My new ride, Fraelsi

My new ride, Fraelsi
Fraelsi means Freedom in Farose

Monday, August 30, 2010

Gray clouds and gray days

Today is 1 of those gray days, but the funneral is done and Otto and I are ok. As expected I am resented by some of the relatives for stepping up, but they had years to do that and were too busy. Now, they are resentful that it's me Otto talks with, asks advice from and depends on when he needs something. They weren't there to sit with Don so Otto could go get groceries or to help clean up bowel movements or clean the filthy house so the hospice people had a better work environment.
But they want things and are sure Don would like Otto to fill their want list. Don asked for a few things to be given to a few people and it's been done, Don's sister asked for just a photo and went home with a framed one. But those other relatives can go buy their own collection of Elivis DVD's, Otto helped Don order and pay for the ones Otto now has, he's not just handing that stuff over, they can go buy their own or offer Otto $$ IF he wants to sell.
I didn't make enough time for my 'old guys' and I can't change that, I should have done more sooner. But I was afraid to offend them by asking/offering a lot more help. I get told I am too bossy, too willing to take over, and I do not want to walk all over the pride of those who I care so much about. We're past that now and I do tell Otto to talk with his brother and wife about things, and I tell him to make his decision, not what Maggie would do, but what works for Otto..
Foot and Belly are not happy today either, know I am healing, know belly had surgery just over a week ago and I am NOT living in 2400 with all the cool Star Trek healing tools, I have so little patience with my own body. Healing is doing well, it's not going at my speed, I just need to accept that I cannot force my body to be all fixed just becasue I want it that way.
I sent a letter to Jake today, let him know I have a long legged dog for him to run with, that I am looking at buying some land if I can afford it and to build on it, that I ended things with that guy over financial issues, that I had surgery for appendix but am healing and am fine...I left out the stuff about frusteration and aggrivation and just plain trying to keep from climbing the walls.
Back to resting on my bed because that is what my body needs, and I am so fed up with months and months of that. It would have been easier if that blasted appendix had decided to go punk a couple months ago, when my foot had me far more laid up, it would be nice if the accident never happened..ya, ya, so whine and accept and adjust.
I did get the chilies picked, need to set up the dryer, think I will dry cayannes and see if I can sell the Habeneros at the Farmer's Market tomorrow, sure know I have dryed alot already and so if I can sell a few, that would work for me. They are a pretty mountain on a cookie sheet in the kitchen now, orange and red and bright.
I need to either start putting doll outfits up on e-bay or decide I have dolls that like huge wardrobes, and get back to sewing more, that tends to cheer me up, and I do have the Doll Club Christmas exchange to sew for and have not even looked to see what doll my exchange person wants something special for. Hopefully a doll I have a body to fit things to, that makes sewing far easier here. And a doll big enough to be easy to sew for would be nicer than 1 of those tiny ones, I can and will sew tiny for gift but I sure won't for sale..
Ben and Tamara took my truck to go to J-ville and get part for her car, will be glad to see them back and know my truck is back safely. I worry far more now about stuff like that than I did 8 months ago, gee I wonder why.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Sleepless nights

I'm too hot, my bed is uncomfortable, my 'ouches' hurt but not enough to take something for and my brain is restless and moody.
As I am slowly improving from the appendix problem and resulting surgery I get to go back to that 'accident post' body/foot feel. And that's a let down. I want this accident over and done with. Ben should have his settlement done soon, and I will be glad that is taken care of for his part but for me, even once the final papers are signed, the final medical release is done, I won't be done with dealing with the effect of this accident on my life and my body.
I tried to ride a bike once so far, that was not really successful but I didn't wreck the bike so there is hope, right? But climbing into the attic for my caning stuff was a struggle and until I no longer climb a ladder to get into the attic, it will be a struggle.
What used to be easy, what I used to take for granted, now will be up hill battles the rest of my life. Most of the time I am able to accept that and know I will get to the top of that hill. But there are times when I feel so defeated by my own body.
I haven't always taken the best care of this body, but sure have not abused it. I don't always eat a balanced meal, but I am not overweight and don't have weight related health problems.
I don't have any drinking, drug or smoking issues and really do not live on M&M's, despite the rumors otherwise.
I admit I am not good at long term romantic relationships but some of that is because I am very independent and self-sufficient. At my age, it's far better to be alone than to deal with the mess that comes with a lot of the men that are single and in the age group I am willing to date.
I don't have a lot of 'mess' to drag into a relationship and will not be helping them clean up their mess. And being lied to about stuff that could become huge problems, especially ones that financially could really damage my ability to keep my little world going so nice and stable, those I really back away fast from.
At 54 I am able to put a roof over my own head and pay my own bills, now I know that roof needs repaired but I have been consistantly working on this house since I bought it, and I knew it would be a long and slow haul to turn it into the place I know it can become.
I do, as I should, ask myself, ask that man, what he is bringing to the relationship, what better quality of life does our being together gain both of us? And yes, I do ask myself what that man can do for me as well or better than I can do for myself, and improved sex life does not count on that list.
Neither does companionship as I do not lack companionship and friendship in my life. So, what good qualities and what abilities and what problems are all taken into my consideration and yes, I do weigh things, and judge things. It is my business to keep my life in order, not the business of my children to end up having to clean up my mess or help feed me in the future because I did not think and plan for myself for that future.
I realize that my writing how I feel, and being honest with what is going on in my life here at my blog has offended someone, maybe more than 1 someone, but I have this blog so I can write my feelings, my real life stuff and I do know the 'world' can see it, and can criticize, nit pick, run me down or pat me on the back. I do think about what I write, and I almost always preview and re-read, or save to draft and think over, re-read before posting. Some of that is to correct typos and spelling errors, some is so I can be sure I am not just 'letting out all the mad'.
I'm not going to post a laundry list of my issues with someone, and at this minute, a certain someone, but I will say I did have a great time out west the second trip, and am glad I made that trip. I learned a lot about that man from the past, both positive and negative, I filed a lot of those conversations away to re-think, re-evaluate and to weigh.
I don't think I would have realized some things as soon without that trip out west, and learning later could have been very costly for me. So, that accident and ability to spend almost 2 weeks in the southwest has brought me sooner to see some major problems that I will not allow to become a mess in my life.
I did learn just recently that legal notices are now available on line and not at all hard to pull up. I went through a foreclosure on the house in Missouri, when after 2 years I could not get it sold and I could not live and work here and also make those housepayments in Missouri, and I am still paying off the difference from what the house sold for and what I owed. And it's around $1500 now so I am seeing progress and will have that debt gone as soon as I can.
Finding out I had been lied to about a name on a mortgage that was in default, realizing I had been lied to, decieved about that from the very beginnning of our 'back in touch' stage, he's right, it's not about the settlement, it's all about huge lies about huge financial obligations that he would be dragging into my life and that could turn my stable finances into a disaster for the rest of my life, accident or no accident, settlement or no settlement.
I will say I am very glad my dog was still at the vet, they kept him overnight when he was nutered. It would have confused and upset him greatly to have been here with me, at about 6 am last Saturday, raging though my own house, ranting about lies and low life creeps and ya, those that know me well, you know the upset and angry me.
Breakfast for me and a trip to Virginia to get that dog from the vet, time at home with that pup and then a walk with that pup, and time to calm down before sending an e-mail, to be told once again he was not on that mortgage...he could have googled his name and pulled up that same legal notice I pulled up and raged and ranted and foamed at the mouth about.
You know, it's not that he is also on that mortgage that was defaulted on, it's that he lied over and over about being on that same mortgage that had me raging. And there is no way, with a mortgage that huge and what all you go through now to get a mortgage that he did not clearly know what paperwork he was signing his name to when that mortgage was taken out.
I have to wonder, anyone would wonder, if he so clearly lied about this, what all else has he lied about and just why did he choose to lie??? And I had to wonder if he thought I was totally stupid, that he thought something like a huge mortgage that was defaulted on would not ever come back to haunt life down the road? Let me say here, clearly, those things do come find you and they grow while they are hunting for you...
And none of that changes the facts that I do have to make my life work, that I do have the right to protect myself, and that I do have the right to be open and honest on my own blog, knowing that anyone and everyone with internet in the world can read what I post.
And some of those people are again saying, foolish Maggie, by now you should know to run a background check on a man before even going to coffee with him. And most really are not concerned about it, they also have very real lives that they are busy living and what I post about some man they don't know, won't ever know, isn't important to them.
So, my advice is that if my posts offend you, please just quit reading them. Don't let what I feel, what I write be important enough to make waves in your little pond. Shut me out, close that door and walk away, it's not worth the stress. And that 'make your life miserable' comment, well, I try and not make threats that later I might be held accountable for. Getting revenge for my post strikes me as very immature, very huge waste of time and certainly makes somone one a lesser person..along with possibly putting them in legal trouble. Loads of things now days are against the law, many of them are so traceable now. Also, you have to matter to me to have much effect on my life, and you have to have influence with those that do matter to me to be able to use them to make waves in my little, I am staying in my own little pond and want that man to go play in his pond and realize, accept that he and he alone is accountable for what he said, did and the results it had in our relationship..that never really got started before it was done in by his financial issues and his lies about financial issues.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Auction find

So, I drug Otto over the other side of town to an estate auction, to cook him in the sun, starve him and help load an antique rocker that needs the seat re-caned. For $35 I think I have a treasure, and a trip to the attic will get my book and caning tools, a few minutes on line will get me the needed cane supplies and a few hours of work, ok, quite a few hours, will get me a great chair.
Of course, yes, I know I don't have any room for this chair now. But I will have in the future and if I didn't buy it now, I would not have it for that future. And I will enjoy the caning work, and I think Otto enjoyed the auction and being out among people. I know I did, saw my supervisor, saw Janna from the office, saw some of the plant bosses, had a good time and even stayed within reasonable on my bidding. I knew to stop at $135 on the cedar chest that I also did not have room for, didn't even bid on the smaller blanket box that went really high and didn't bid on stuff I didn't have need or reason to want. And as soon as I won the chair, I left Otto to chair sit while I went for the truck and billfold so I could pay for my silly chair and get it home before Ben cam looking to skin me.
Kid was thrilled to have Mommy home, could care less about the chair.
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Friday, August 27, 2010

Friday's update

Julie was here today and I was already out of the shower. She's studying some food safety stuff for up-coming test, she is working her way up the McDonalds ladder and I am so proud of all she has done with her life. She's not letting her alcholic husband drag her down, she's got her place paid for now, a job that has a future and she is doing the work to make it a better one. Go, girl, Go.
Today part of Don's oxygen equipment was picked up, Tuesday at 9 the other company is to be at the house to take care of their part. We got all the meds bagged and off to the local pharmacy for disposal, to see about terminating the Don's cell service.
And we started looking at cleaning and inventory and what needs gotten rid of. It will be months of slow work, we are not getting in a rush but a bit at a time. I will post all the non-working tv's on freecycle and see if we can get someone to come for all of them, 4+ that don't work or have problems.
Don and Barb's clothes and the 'depends' and such will be donated where they will do someone else some good. Otto does not need them and does need room to live. We will have stuff to go to auction that can go, stuff for the metal recyclers here to collect and so forth. But little by little I will see that Otto has a home to live in he can afford and keep cleaner and that is safer and more comfortable for him to live in.
It will take time for him to adjust to being there alone. He will never stop missing Don and Barb but we know they want him to live and go on with his life and to enjoy it. Some is easy, but there will be hard and rough days for both of us, easier for me, I wasn't their care giver, they weren't the center of my life. And I am younger and looking at going back to a job 1 of these days.
The foot worked hard the past few days, is glad to be in a shoe with support today, the belly is not yelling ouch as loud but is still bloated and that will take time to leave.
I see my foot dr. early in the morning and then later the same morning I see my belly dr. LOL, now I have 2 doctors to get approvals from before I can be released back to work.
Mike Ferrin called yesterday, sympathy about Don's passing, concern about my appendix and hospital stay and not a word about his deception/lies about his and Annette's mortgage. And not a word of 'sorry' about his lies or so forth. He can't 'fix' the problem with Facepage to put me back on his friends list and wants me to take care of that. It won't happen, I deliberately shut every cyber door I could for him to peak into my life via Facebook and I want it that way.
I don't know what tomorrow's plans are, I am bugging Ben about the mowing and I will pitch a fit if he does not get it done for me.
I asked Otto if he would like to go to church with me this Sunday, he thinks he will and that it would be good for him, I agree, he needs to get out some and he needs to NOT be the free driver/help for all the mouches that have been waiting for Don to pass to use Otto. Don and Barb will be disappointed in me if I let everyone or anyone walk on Otto. He is a kind and gentle older man who does not need people taking advantage of his lonely hours now while he adjusts to being alone over at that house that just days ago had 2. Don and Otto never adjusted to Barb's passing so now Otto has a huge adjustment and will be very easily hurt or used. He's not stupid but he has little experience with many things, a quiet country man.
I hear the mower going so hope Ben moves things like the hose and Kid's toys out of the way. Ben is a good kid but sure can be lazy and hard to get moving or motivated.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I'm Home, I'm home, I'm home

so that 'velcro' dog can now hang on my feet and legs. And Otto has his support system back, Don passed on last night and I have already talked to the paster who will do the service, he and the dr feel Monday at the soonest for me.
But the laundry Ben didn't get dry and taken over to Otto is now over there, the clean stuff that was in the basket here is folded, and what I needed is washed and folded. I had a good supper and made the phone calls I needed to, made sure I took my 2 antibiotics and mpain meds and am working on my gaterade that will help replace some of the minerals I lost.
It feels so good to be back in my little old house, despite it's problems. 3 nights at the hospital was a long time for me. I will say I was well cared for and actually slept well. And the hospital tv had HGTV which I don't have a home. I had a nice room mate who had emergency gall bladder surgery and was ouching too. She also is diabetic and can go home tomorrow if all her counts are right.
Now I will help Otto with setting up Don's funneral, and making all those calls we make once the day and time are set. And with desposing of Don and Barb's meds, yes, almost 3 years later, her perscription meds are still in the house. Otto didn't know what should be done with them.
We will work a bit with some cleaning, we will do small things that won't be over my weight lifting limits, or tire me out.
The chilies here need picked again, and the new doll outfit needs photoed so I can put it up for sale, I still need to do the 'on line' bill paying I do, kitchen floor needs mopped and the dishes need done.
All the pieces of my 'normal' life that really matter to me, the people, the things, the routine chores that make my small world here. I am so blessed, I am so fortunate, it is not a perfect life but it works so very well for me.

Improving, slowly

This ruptured appendix stuff has really kicked my butt. Yesterday was miserable all day, nausia, diareha, pain...but slept good, woke up feeling some better, more like 'me' and lab came and drew blood so that is a positive sign. Know the surgion will want to see white cell count has gone down. Not sure what else they will look for but the cherry and young resident -again- told me she thought I could go home, gee she said that Monday and Tuesday and there was NO WAY the surgion was ready to release me.
I do get real food and can have a shower-once all the paperwork has gotten processed for those orders.
Know I have a lot waiting for me at home, Otto and Kid and my life. And time to put up Mike's photos, time to write 1 of those 'notes' I do on Facebook that Mike hates. Too Public, too open for him. But I am not hiding much in my life, and certainly not his 'dirty linen'.
I don't know if he is just that 'stupid' to think I would not figure out his lies and his financial problems, or that I would not care, or that I would figure I was too deep into the relationship to bail. I would not have bailed, not out of My boat, he would have been out with life vest or less and I would not have been concerned about sharks, after all, his sharks, not mine.
I will never know what all was going through his brain, but that comment about 'our relationship ruining a good thing' sure has me puzzled. Maybe another woman foolish enough to rescue him from his own financial mess, maybe it was the end of a long held dream of life with the woman he thought I was.
My questioning mind has to wonder but the man has not enough significance to me for it to be really important. He proved his lack of necessary qualities to be a partner with me, and he proved he is not and probably has not for years, been worthy of trust.
Me, I am going to make this life of mine work, get over this appendix problem, get back to work, get the settlement done with State Farm and go on with my life.
And now I am going to shut this down and see if I can get a real breakfast...

Monday, August 23, 2010

hospital again

this time for ruptured appendix. Came in Sunday and had emergency surgery. This am I felt good but sure feel terrible since noon, going down a miserable hill, so sick to my tomach, hurt so much. I know I WILL survive ths but sure am sufferin right now.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

I like Hospice!

Day started before 6 am with running across street to help Otto with some personal care for Don. (and back to bed when it was done) then over to start some much needed house cleaning. Hospice sent people, 3 today to get things set up and started, Beth, Fawn and Naomi, all kind, patient and considerate people. Don now has had a good bath, his pain med was brought and doses set up for Otto, and there will be someone every day, even weekends to do something, or check and also to make sure Otto is doing ok.
My tomorrow starts early with Kid to vet before 8:30 and then quick run to Springfield and back to get Kid and come home and check on my 'old guys' and see what needs done. I will be working on the neglected house work over there for days to come, a bit each day.
and I will also get my mowing done today and work a bit on my weeds in garden and flower beds. paperwork for State Farm, all that other stuff that has me busy now...
Nothing that I cannot drop and run if Otto calls, between us and Hospice, we will see that Don is able to have the best care we can give him, in his own home to die as he wants, and in his own time. There's no other gift we can give him at this time..

Giving me space

Mike if you are really checking this... I consider your booking cars coming to Springfield a deliberate action to manulipulate/force/push me to see and talk to you. To spend time with you when I have asked that you get your financial house in stable order, this does include your 2009 tax return, and that you let me be for now.
An address where I can leave your meds in Springfield would be very workable for me. Nothing else would be, I do not have time, nor will I make time for you tomorrow. Right now Don and Otto are the top of my list and you are at the bottom or not even on that list.
Please respect my right to be left alone in my own home, town and corner of this little world

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Good day today

Julie was here today,and the chilies got into the dryer. I helped Otto get safety rail on the open side of Don's bed while Julie 'dog sat' for me. Then we went out to lunch. This afternoon I saw with Don so Otto could get groceries, took a book and my knitting.
The High Point of today was the call from Jake, he is ok, the last box I shipped has not gotten to him but they are expecting a mail delivery within the next few days and he wasn't able to tell me where he is/was. He has heard from his dad so that relieves his worries about Dad.
Kid and I walked 3 blocks this evening and then I put on DIY and started working on the doll things I have cut out.
Now that school is starting I need to work on some 'school clothes' that might sell. All I have in my on line shop right now are summer things.
Hope to walk Kid early in the morning and then get some outside work done and also finish up the doll things and get them posted up for sale, would be great if I could sell some of the clothes I already have done but there's always Christmas gifts for my doll pals.
DIY's This New House program had a great house by on it, far bigger house than I want built but really beautiful home.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

long day, tired..

Don is home and resting quietly, Otto got most of the med scripts filled, 1 has to be ordered. Don's van is bigger, brakes are not as tight as mine, and it has side and back window curtains...lots of stress driving that tank in city traffic, in a city I am NOT familiar with the streets.
Glad to be home, the study book on prayer I ordered was in today's mail, Kid is also beat tired and sleeping, poor dog, 2 days in a row of having to be on his dog run instead of under my feet.
Glad to come home to a very quiet house, hope if the phone rings it is that Jake boy, been weeks now since I've heard his voice.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Good Day, sad day

Otto and I made the run to Peoria to visit Don, it's been too hot for me to tkae that elderly man up to see his even older friend in the hospital so the cooler weather made a good road trip. Tomorrow we take their van and bring Don home, Otto is to get some hospice assistance with Don's care and Don is coming home to live out his remaining time where he wants to be, home.
The nurse that talked with us made Otto and I very aware Don's time is very limited but he is still capable of making his own decisions.
So, after a talk with us, the medical powers consulted and the decision was to allow Don to return home, to Otto and what hospice help that could be arranged and that despite the living conditions, Don had a right to that choice and all would be done to help and make his remaining time here as good and as comfortable as it can be.
Otto cared for Don's wife Barb, and does the best he can, but he's old too, now and can't do it all alone, and I can only do so much to help. None of us can turn that place into a much newer house with good plumbing, good roofs and floors.
It's in God's hands, and Don and I have trust and faith in God, now we will have to use that belief and faith to help Otto through this and to make sure he decides to keep living without his best friend. The 3 of them were such a tight family unit, they built a family out of love that many people never have.
And they watch out for me, they brighten my life just by their caring and watchful eyes, there is no way to explain what good and kind neighbors I have that accepted me into this corner of the world and helped me make it home.
Now, I will help Otto see that his life still has purpose and value, that even though Barb's body left, her spirit and love is still here, even though Don's body is leaving, his love and spirit is still a part of Otto. And when I get that settlement, we will go shopping for that headstone that Don couldn't afford for Barb, that Otto can't afford for Barb and Don. State Farm can buy that bit of stone, I'll do what they never had a daughter to do for them.
And I will cry and grieve with Otto, and include him in my old house renovation plans, my look at land plans, my monolithic house plans and maybe if he's willing, get him to go to church with me when I can.. He will be so lost and alone. I know how that can feel, so it's my turn to reach out, my turn to be the friend.
And on the way home, we came by Green Valley, it wasn't too far out of the way and the Miller's monolithic home..which has solar panels and wind turbine..woooo. Now, Otto does see what I am talking about, not just the photos on the internet. Something to take his mind off the hard stuff we faced at the hospital.
Now I do my silly life stuff, Kid is thrilled to have me home, Bryon came just after I got home so helped pack some bed pads over for Don's use. I had several packages of disposable bed pads that will help make some of that home care a bit easier.

Friday, August 13, 2010

1 of Grandpa's Rules of Life

I heard it alot, from the time I was very small. My maternal grandparents raised me, along with a sister older and the brother younger. Money was tight, rules were rigid, and I knew that Grandpa ranked up there just under God when it came to authority in my life.
"Whoever pays the bills writes the rules." I knew growing up that meant Grandpa was the boss and Grandma was boss after him. And in my life as an adult I also lived by that rule, if the man, regardless of marriage or not, was supporting me, he was the boss. When I have been the one paying the bills, I have been my own boss.
What I buy with my own money is mine, I do not have to share it, it does not become 'ours' just because I have a relationship with a man. I also do not consider what he owns to be mine, and my debts are mine alone, and his debts are just his and will not become mine.
That also will go with my settlement from this accident. I appreciate input but it needs to be just that, input, and not framed with any 'we' or 'us' words. Because it is clearly not 'we' who was in this accident, unless the 'we' happens to be my son Ben or/and his gal pal Tamara.
If I re-roof this house, finish renovations here, that is my project and my decisions and my financial obligation. This house will never become a joint venture with a man, I have had it for 5 years now and have 5 years of money and sweat equity here.
If I buy land and built, again, unless someone has a partnership agreement with me and is putting the same funds into the project, cash, not loans, it stays JUST my property and my decisions and I might share ideas but it will not become 'our' project if I am the person paying the bills.
Maybe that sounds selfish, maybe that sounds hard and mean but I have footed the bills and been on the loosing end with relationships before. I know I have some debt load now and a house with a roof that leaks. But I also have some credit, a paid for truck that runs, insurance that is paid for months to come. I also will be seeing a rather good sized insurance settlement with this accident and do not need some man 'helping' me invest or spend it--to his advantage.
My finances are slowly improving, I admit my checkbook math was off this week, I admit I forgot to put down the utility bill and ended up pulling from savings, but I did have funds in savings to pull.
7 months tomorrow from the accident, I am still not back to work but I am getting some parts of my life in order. I do have some goals once again, I am now emotionally far more stable than I was several months ago, it took some time for me to accept that it wasn't a nightmare. Then it took some time to realize just how much damage had been done to my right foot, and what that damage would do to me, for the rest of my life. And I am still healing some.
Life is hard, and to survive it, I have to make hard choices.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Rain, Rain and leaking roof...

Man, I like rain storms but this leaking roof stuff gets old fast--and knowing I will be living with it for many more months or a couple years--that really stinks. But I will keep living in this old house, insurance is currently making the payments for me, and I will make them once I am back to work or when something is settled with the insurance. The insurance on the mortgage will make the payments as long as I cannot return to work so that is 1 worry off my shoulders.
Pal Julie was here today and we worked on making her some curtians for her trailer, it and her lot are now paid for. Usually we work on doll outfits but she had some fabric and so curtains for her bedroom were the project for today.
I am making progress on the house plans, and thinking on landscaping plans. I need to make several copies and ink the main 'walls' so that I can then do several different interior plans and do some exterior stuff too.
I really want a nice front/west porch on the new place, and would like it deep enough to sit out there and watch it storm when it's warm enough to do that. And a deck off the kitchen/east so I have a place to entertain and have a grill and cook out some.
I am considering long term insurance costs and long term having to pay my property taxes, and also up-keep costs and utilities and do plan to have solar panels and want to look into wind generators..
Mike is hauling from Albuquerque to Salt Lake again, think he got into Albuquerque Thursday and loaded out today...not sure if he has 3 cars or less...but it's not my business and not my finances to balance. And it won't become mine either.
Ben and I did haul sand out of the utility space under the house and now have a damp area that tells me there is a leak in the main sewer line so we will be doing some more digging and clear that pipe out so we can find the damage and repair it before we start storing anything in that area. No idea when or how long it's leaked, not much but enough that the sand is damp and staying damp.
Julie is coming over tomorrow and we will finish up her curtains and do some other stuff. We might even get up town so I can pay my insurance bills that are sitting on my desk. And we might work on some doll things too..

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Staying Busy here

I am managing to stay busy here, Ben is back for a few days and is helping me with removing sand from the utility area so that we have more storage room under the house. Now I have a lot of sand to move onto the berm as I have time.
Ben will get his things stored under the house and help move Jake's so we can then again work on moving out more sand and making more space so I can start moving some things down from the attic to under the house.
I pulled up some info on monolithic homes and will do some rough plans and check into finding if there are any firms around this area building/putting up monolithic structures. I did get a new printer and it's software is installed on all my computers now. And was able to print out some floor plans from a company that does monolithic plans and building supplies.
I am considering buying a new landscaping program and playing with it and various house ideas so I have some 'view' of what I might end up with, if/when I buy some land and build a home.
Have church and doll club meeting tomororw, Ben will be here with Kid so that gives me less worry. Kid had his shots and has an appointment for nutering later this month. He is doing well here and getting a bit more energetic, he's been starved for a while and is somewhat run down but is young and seems healthy so should recover fast.
The foot and I go back to the docter Sept. 2, so I hope to see some improvement in the next 4 weeks and will try and not overwork it in the meantime. I know it is healing, and that I push too hard some times but I am trying to be more considerate of that damaged foot.
Mike is working on getting his finances in the black and his income taxes taken care of. His financial situation has had a negitave effect on my feelings and confidence in building a life with him. That is something I know is very important to me, financial stability and accountability.
I am working on getting my finances back in stable condition once again. It won't happen fast but I also know as long as I am careful I will see the debt load drop a little each month and in time I will have the settlement to pay off my debt load. But I am not waiting for that to start getting my finances under control and managable.
And I am no longer going to talk with Mike about the settlement or much of my long range plans for my life or the settlement. Right now I feel that is a wise decision, it is my settlement and I need to be the 1 making decisions. He needs to manage his own business and get it on track, it needs far more work than does my business or settlement.
So, despite a very painful foot, life here looks really good, got a dog who loves me, got space to store Ben's things, got a handle on my finances, got food in the house again, got great friends and a house over my head. Ya, life is looking pretty good here

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

New Kid in the house..

I admit I love dogs, and big dogs best of all, so now a neighborhood stray has gone from shelter across the street, to the house north of me, to my house. And I will admit once I was sure there was a good chance no owners were looking for him or would be claiming him, I was off to Wal-Mart to spend $80+ on dog stuff. Ya, food, chew bones, toys, cable tie out, collar. Flea stuff, wormer, and came home to set up for living with a pup that has a long way to grow into those huge feet.
I can afford to support him, and he's not too bad a Kid, doing good at leaving my things alone and only chewing on his things, doing all toilet things outside, needs some training but I only told him once last night 'Off' and he didn't try to crawl onto my bed with me.
He did ok with the trip in the truck, met the human #2 son and Tamara, coped ok with being fastened out on the new cable run while I took the human kids back to Rushville. We went up to get them so they could get a book and parts for Tamara's car.
Mike talks like he is working on his financial issues. He can or not, but I will rapidly end this relationship if he does not clean up his financial mess and we will both sign legal statements if he moves here that clearly do not give the other any legal claims on property or possessions owned by the other person or bought by funds earned or gained through any settlements.
Which translates to I will make sure my property and accounts stay secure and that long term he never gains legal claim to any of them.
He talks about what all he and Annette had, and how well they did financially but I will believe what I see and not what I hear. I do understand about all the yearly renewall costs hitting at the same time, they do for me also. But this financial bind seems to be on-going, and his income taxes not even being filed is a bit scary for me. He does say he will get that taken care of as soon as he can get down to St. George and get the needed paperwork.
In the meantime I will do what I need to do with my life, and get finances in order, some things here at the house done, like Ben's stuff better stored and not in my way, the weeds and grass cleaned up in the garden and flower beds and so forth.
I do not think foot is ready for back to work but do feel it is making progress every day, not fast progress but progress.
I need to work on some doll things, wish more of what I had up for sale at Kish-Chrysalis/yahoo would sell, but I do have things cut out and need to work on getting them sewn and done.
Well, I need in clothes and boots and see if Kid will go out and spend some time outside while I work on some of that grass left in the garden to clean out.
Tomorrow is See Dr Mulshine day and as a friend also has MRI and needs a driver coming back, we will go together and that will probably do in my mall crawling and trying to find some non-steel toed boots I can wear. Steel toes are fine but I do know I will be keeping this foot in boots most of the time for a long time to come and need something more than work boots for that.

Sunday, August 01, 2010

August is here!!!

Let's see, the lawn is mowed, the plum trees no longer have plums, most of the weeds and grass are out of the garden, I have the materials ready for tomorrow's job. Church was really good, foot is not happy with me, that has something to do with why most of the garden is free of grass and weeds.
I got Martha's project done and delivered, Tamara's socks are knit and only need the ends worked in, Julie's sock yarn is ready to work and I am casting on the first sock, the humming birds found the feeder finally.
Jake called Friday around 6 am, good connection and great to hear his voice, he has gotten the first box I sent, not the 2nd and I mailed another Friday. He says 'sand just like in the movies' and temps of 130, all the water at the Army base he's at is trucked in.
Mike is in Albuquerque, my cell phone is on the kitchen table turned off, Mike does know it's turned off and I want some space while I think some things out. His finances being still in a mess is my stress issues, and I did let him know that. It's not about the funds I put into helping him out, it's about the mess his finances are Still in, it's about 2x in 5 months the Verizon service has been so far behind his service has been shut off or almost shut off, despite my putting $325 into that in that same 5 months.
I have had times of extreme poverty and I still never had my phone or utilities shut off. I have managed to build up credit and this accident has brought that down some but I will rebuild it. And I have been building up those material goods we humans need, like a running vehicle and a roof over my head. I can do those things for myself and I can hire someone to do what I physically am not able to do.
There is little place in my life for someone who cannot manage their own support, and I am not saying Mike cannot support himself, but he has some serious financial issues that he needs to deal with if he wants a long term, working relationship with me. He needs his taxes filed and paid or making payments on that, he needs to keep his bank account in the black, he needs to get his trucking business in the black.
It remains to be seen if he can do that on his own but I have invested all the money I am willing to and it is not important to me that those funds are paid back, what does matter is that he gets financially stable and stays that way. And I will not help that come about.
It is my job and my responsibility to deal with my debt load, my credit cards and the huge amounts I now owe. It is my responsibility to make sure State Farm has all the information I can give them with this accident settlement, that means the photos and list of shoes I will never fit in again, the reciepts for the new work boots, the new air balance sneakers and the clothes I was wearing that were cut off me at the hospital.
I do take in every medical paper that comes here so they can make copies for their files, and I do try to keep them updated on my medical progress. I do know this will help with some of the details of the settlement.
I do my mowing and house chores, keep working on the budget and the doll clothes. I work on the weeds in the garden and flower beds, I take care of what is mine to the best of my ability. I now feel I have solid ground to stand on, did before this accident and I admit it shook the foundation of my little world but it shook it, not broke it to pieces.
Mike has a lot to learn about me, some things I am not able to explain or talk about easily. I do not want to run his life or control him, but I do have a right to protect myself from financial damage. I know he doesn't plan to dump his problems on me or on my door step but that could very well happen unless he take care of them.
My own finances are not very stable but they are getting more stable each month. I know it will take me a long time to get them back to what they were before this accident--without the settlement. But I can get my financial 'house' back in order, and I do know there is that settlement that will really change my finances long term.
It's going to be secured very fast, as will any properties it buys and the buildings/improvements on that land. I don't plan to let anyone freeload or live off me, or off that settlement from my accident.
I'm not happy about the situation, I am not happy with the stress and the lack of trust I now have in Mike's ability to be financially stable. But I know what issues are mine and which ones are his doing/his problem. Words are easy, but it's the actions that prove value to those words.
I have no idea even if Mike takes the time to ever read my blog, but the link is where he can easily find it and I know I have given him the link. I feel he 'slides' away or 'gets a phone call' or 'has to go' when I bring up some things. So, I will not try to discuss things very much.
I will do what I need to do for my own stability and balance, both emotionally and financially. It's something I have learned to do, and am very capable of doing.