Still No contractor, made a phone call

We are a month behind the scheduled start, and he's still not here. The disposal bin is still empty and in my back yard, I still have a window in my living room, a spiral stair that cannot be installed and a serious lack of tolerance for 'Monday' and 'early next week' which has came and gone several weeks now.
Today's call again got his voice mail, today's message is that I need him to either get here and do the contracted job or refund my deposit and I will get someone else to do the job. This delay is fouling up my life.
Along with a huge chunk of my settlement funds, the other work I need done up there in the attic on hold for the most part, the garden has gone to weeds while I worked up in the attic to clean up the insulation so ceiling joices were ready for sub floor and stuff moved away from areas where work needed to be done.
I am stressed out to the max over this and my foot is in pain most of the time from work, I need this roof replaced, the dormer built, the spiral stair kit installed, the sub floor down, the wiring on end walls done, the insulation work done. And want it done this month..not next month, not next year.
And to top it off, I am getting calls from collection agencies looking for a man I have not see or heard from for more than 11 years, who never shared a home with me during our short marriage. He did not manage to scam me out of any amount of money, he did verbally abuse me and would have physically abused me if I had not gotten him out of my life when I did. I made a huge mistake trusting him, not seeing the man behind the mask, but I wasn't the stupid fool he thought I was, he never had his name on my home, vehicle or accounts that mattered, or access to much.
So, now it's been close to 12 years since I even heard his voice on a phone, I am getting collection agencies calling here, 2 in 2 days, looking for him.
He could be dead, I have no contact numbers, have not had, and I didn't really have that when I thought we were trying to make a life together.
So, not my problem, calling me does not gain them anything,

and right now it's not even making waves in my pond, just find it funny...
Just when I think my life has problems and is a mess, I get calls from collection agencies looking for Ken Gean or for Michael Ferrin... guess my life has some issues and stuff I need to take care of but at this time I don't have collection agencies calling me because I am behind on payments, or have just not paid my bills and am trying to duck out on them.
And I will either see the contractor here and work being done or I will see my deposit back and give the job to Raffa and his crew. If necessary I will take legal action, not something I want to do, but I am not going to just 'give away' a huge chunk of my settlement funds.
Today I see the podiatrist and hopefully we start to find some ways to lessen my pain and walking issues with my damaged foot. I need to keep working, I need to get through my work shift and not be miserable long before the shift is done.
I will get the garden dealt with, will get the insulation and sub floor out of my truck and up into the attic, will get finished with the wiring on the north wall so it can be insulated, will finish the insulation work on the south attic wall that I do have started.
And I am making changes in the plans for the upstairs bathroom, it has to fit the space there, it will have to work with the old chimney for plumbing chute, and it has to work with the ceiling/roof angles. I have bath #2 on paper now, have not checked measurements to see how they work but will before I go to my Dr appointment.
I can handle a lower ceiling/slanted ceiling in the bathroom if I plan it out right. I want things a certain way but if it does not work, then I will change it and like the change.. It's planned to be 5 foot wide, and that should not need changed, but I might have to change what order things are, right now it's toilet, sink and shower across the west end..like that but not sure I have the height for the shower.. can move entire bath east and get it to work...got plenty of space to work with up there, but it's how much space am I willing to give to a bathroom and just where I am willing to have that space taken out.
well it's almost 9 am so I need to get busy or I won't be showered and at that appointment on time, it's at the clinic south of the library so at least it's not a far drive, can run the bike..like that idea...

Phone call, the contractor will have some guys here tomorrow to get started- - his rep is very good, his work is very good, I really don't want to have someone else do this work but Need it started and done...

construction delays and pain

sure have me dealing with depression now. I don't think it will last, and I do think the contractor will show up, know that there are delays and he's small, not a lot of crew. The heat issues are a huge problem for construction work, and we are not dropping much below 80 at nights right now so it's early when it's hard to work on roofs and such.
My foot is being miserable, as are my hands, and and knees and back, so my pain levels are high, and I am spending time on my bed resting instead of out in the garden or up in the attic with the wiring project. And I am working late right now, Barb is on vacation so I am staying to finish up.
I will get through this, the house will get a new roof, the dormer built and the spiral stair is now is shipping so it will be here before the dormer is built.
Finances are ok, I need to balance the checkbook, and I need to put some $$ on my lunch card at work but that means a trip somewhere, Save-A-Lot, Wal-Mart, but sure am not getting it done.
I am getting the laundry taken care of, and I will turn the water on when I get home tonight so that will help the garden out. And I will try and do better, and I will plan to go to Springfield Friday as need to get x-rays sent or on disk for my doctor appointemnt..
I will be ok, just takes time, and I hope to see work done soon.

Construction delays still

But the work on central air starts early Tuesday/tomorrow morning, and I hope the work on the roof and dormer start soon too. I have the dormer window in the living room, the pipe to make the soil stack outside, have started taking things off the shelves, my dolls and other stuff I collect, moved some stuff in the attic where the new dormer goes, moved the antique chest of drawers that was living between the kitchen door and the bathroom wall, where the dormer will be going, so now my house gets to become a worse and worse mess. No place to put things, no place to store things and no room here.
It will get worse before it gets better so the sooner it is started, the sooner I can start putting the house back in order, clean up all the dirt and dust that gets knocked loose, and start work up in the studio, wiring, insulation, subfloor, and the spiral stairs will be here in just a couple weeks.
I need to balance the bank account again, need to pay a few bills again, need to run some errands tomorrow or Wed. and I need to mow again.
I am making progress on the garden weeds, I am almost done with reweaving the cane back in my rocker, have cane ordered and it should be in shipping now, this time I ordered a full bundle so will finish up this chair and store the rest.
It's ok to be back at work, my vacation was frustrating at times because I expected to see work being done here, be doing some of that clean up, go back to work with a good start on the attic studio, the central air done and be planning out the future upstairs bathroom.
My life here is pretty good, I won't say it's perfect, there's a few rough spots, some things that go hard that I don't often mention or write about..but I keep finding a way to see the light at the end of the tunnel, or find a blessing amongst the rocks and thorns.
This house might not ever be finished, this place might always be a renovation in progress but it's my renovation, and my little corner of the world and it works for me. I make a point of making it work, and I put in the sweat equity and the dollars that it takes to make it work.
Morning will start early, know the dog will have my up early and the air cond guys will be here early too, by 7:30 or so if the message on the answering machine is right..oh, great, Julie gets the window units and I get windows I can see out of and a quieter house!!! Ya, I like that idea...

construction delays here

Well, the air was to be done this week,now I expect them tomorrow, the contractor for roof and dormer was hoping to start here Monday, the 11th but first rain and now our heat wave has slowed him a week and he might be here Friday but the 18th is more likely.
I am on vacation this week, the rubbish bin is here now, I pouted yesterday after talking to my contractor and then curled up on Larry's couch and took a nap. It didn't change any thing much but I will do what I can this week, I can work on the wiring that needs done on both the north and south end walls, I can insulate those walls or at least get started on that. I can pull out some of the insulation that has gotten wet with the leaking roof problems and dispose of that. I can work to move some of my stuff stored up in that attic so it's more out of the way for the crew.
I can still work on the weeds in the garden, I will still have the mowing and watering to do and I still have Darrell's doctor appointment Thursday morning in Springfield as he is not to drive himself until after that appointment.
So, today Larry and did his blood work in Rushville, took cucumbers and beans to his sister, went to breakfast with her and husband, went to check out camp grounds in the area, went to Dot Foods, late lunch and came home and so from 8 am until after 3 p.m.I had Larry entertaining me.
Now I have picked the squash, sprayed the plum trees for the Japanese beetles and the squash for the squash bugs, looked at the tomatoes and paid my bike insurance bill.
I need to make a Wal-Mart run and also buy stamps so will do the stamps tomorrow as I have a letter with medical bills to send to State Farm, these should have been paid last month with the settlement and I bet they were but the accounts are not up to date. They were on the list of what was being paid out when we did the settlement paperwork.
I can buy some of what I need for the electrical work in the attic at Wal-Mart and get started with it instead of waiting until I go to Springfield, that will help me feel i am not totally wasting my vacation time.
I'm making knitting progress on Jake's socks but not on my purple sweater. I have to do the repairs on the old crochet bedspread I am sending to my aunt, she will enjoy it far more than I will and it was a great auction find.
I can also work on the caning replacement for the back of the rocker that was last summer's auction treasure. I have a lot of the materials needed so can start and order what I need, work until I run out and finish up after the materials come.
So, I don't need to pout or be screaming bored with my vacation. I might not be getting my new roof but I will be getting stuff done here that does need done.
Larry knows and laughs about the word 'relax' being my least favorite work in the English language.
Now it's not yet 5 p.m. and getting dark, so we might get some rain, it's needed and would help break the heat wave. My house is staying comfortable with what my kitchen window unit puts out but Larry's trailer gets miserable by afternoon and it's late at night before it really starts to cool off. Heart conditions do not tolerate real cold or hot and humid very well.

3 Day weekend and it's hot and dry so far. ..

Larry and I went to a family reunion picnic yesterday, his mother's side and out rural in a tiny town that's slowly shrinking away. I did start the day with watering the garden and picking the green beans.
Today I tried on the way too large bike cover, I can alter it and for $20 including shipping I can make it fit, the cost was less than buying the fabric and making 1 from scratch. It's now marked and on my bed, I might get that done today, I can't be outside long working on the weeds as the heat index is already high and it's not 10 am yet.
I finally finished the pair of blue socks I have been working on for months, they are mine and not a priority. I am making very slow progress on the purple sweater, I have it done to the sleeves and they knit down from the shoulder. I think they are about 1/2 of the length they need to be so they have grown some but at 8-10 rows an inch I can knit a long time and not see any amount of progress on the sleeves. It will be done before it's cold enough to wear it.
Larry is working on my little blue bike again, he's not sure what the problem is but I think part is for his own entertainment, good thing I have the red bike to ride..
He will resolve it's problems, if needed I will order parts for it and he will get it back together and running.
So, next week the house gets air and I get price quotes for air/heat in the attic, the week after that I am on vacation while the work on the roof gets started.
It will allow the crew to work later as I won't have to leave for work and I will be on hand if needed and to help with daily clean up, and I will hopefully get some work done outside that has been put off too long. All the flowerbeds here need work so it's not just the garden that has a weed and grass problem I need to deal with.
But I am doing far better than I was this time last year. I am back at work, I have gained a lot more walking ability and I AM NOT INVOLVED WITH a very dishonest man who has huge financial problems, I am still getting calls from collection agencies looking for him. I also get them for my oldest son, the people who used to own this house and who ever had my cell phone ## before I got it, normal problem with pre-paid cell phones but part of the small annoyances in life.
But I hope that man in Utah gets his creditors to leave me alone, it's hard for me to have a good opinion or him with stuff like this happening several times a month.
Well, I need to head back out and deal with some more of those garden weeds as I have a lot out there I want done in the next few days

Almost July

and we are having sunshine and temps up in the mid 80's so it actually feels like summer now.
A 3 day weekend, we have a family picnic Saturday and I hope to work on the weeds in the garden and on my blue bike. I still need to resolve it's fuel problem, think moisture in the fuel or dirty gas.
Work is going ok, have a week of vacation coming when we start work on the house in mid-July. I am looking forward to not having window air unit running and making noise. A quieter house, more comfortable and in time lower utility bills will sure be great improvement, along with that replaced roof so I don't deal with leaking roofs and all that brings.
I will pay some bills on line in the morning and also call and make arrangements for the roof disposal, want to know we will have the dumpster/roll off here when the work starts or before.
I drooled over wood floors on line today before work and priced sub-floor, will have that sub floor but not sure I will ever be able to afford the wood floor I would like but sure saw some nice flooring.
1 of the women in our dept got the maint. planner/kitting job so that put her job up to bid, I hope to get it and be permanent instead of temp so bid for the opening.
i am watching finances tightly so that my settlement goes as far as possible on this old house and the work I need or want done but get tempted by techie stuff and dolls, good thing I am too busy to go to Best Buys and play right now. .. .

Shopping for stairs

I have been shopping for stairs, spiral stair kits to be exact, as that is what will be installed for access to my attic. And I did not know there were so many out there, but have several price quotes and will get the stair kit ordered. It might not be here when the job starts but it will show up and get installed.
Both my air cond. guy and my roof/dormer guy were here today, and I have busy July coming up, and will take a week of vacation time when the roof/dormer contractor is here.
I have to arrange the refuse bin we will need,and I have to figure out where to put everything I have sitting on shelves now while the work is being done.
Once the air is done I get rid of the window units and loose that noise, once the roof is done I will get to enjoy a dry house and know it won't be long before the dehumidifier quits running all the time and I will start hearing the noises from the train instead of all the noise from things running in the house.
there is going to be a lot of work going on here for the summer, and possibly this fall and winter.
And in the meantime I have to change oil in my little bike, and work in the garden. We have a picnic thing Sunday with Larry's family, but I do not have this coming or next weekend planned out and will have time to catch up on a few things needing done around here, like weed the garden...

great Weekend

I will get photos posted but not this minute...Larry and I had a great weekend, didn't let the rain bother us, stayed until Monday morning, had sun all Sunday afternoon and evening so ran around on our bikes, walked a bit, Larry visited with 1 of the camp hosts, someone he has known for many years, I went riding while the guys chatted and caught up.
Today was busy, business in Springfield, and did find the locksmith there could and did make me spare up keys for my little bikes, and for $2 per key which sure beats paying $9 for a blank, plus postage and then paying to have the key cut. That was the on line seller I found who would have gladly sold me the same key blanks the local locksmith had. I did try the ones for the blue bike and they work just fine..
And I signed the contract with Brannon's for the central air, that will be done within 3 weeks, probably within 2, depends on when the parts all come in, someone will be here Thursday to let me know more and also look at what I want for the attic studio, and then work up some options and prices for me.
I got 2 deck materials costs, 1 for pressure treated, 1 for composite, think deck will be support and frame/joices and then deck it a few boards at a time as paycheck allow...composite is just over double the cost of pressure treated, so that would help me work the higher cost and better/lower maint material into the project...
Busy day tomorrow, and plans for the weekend, several auctions in Virginia I want to check out and might go to Springfield with Julie and do some things there, Larry thinks a 'girl' day would be good for me, or more like he does not want to be drug around all day while I play...LOL, he's smart enough to know I will be going like a 5year old on an all day sugar high.

Where's that list we made last camping trip??

We did make a list, in the netbook, of what we need and didn't have, what needs done, and so forth, now I need to print it out or copy it and edit/print so we can work on getting more organized this trip..
The awning is on, we did get 2 sizes of trash bags,aluminum foil, hangers and a new set of on clearance sale sheets, these are for Larry's bed at his house, some what will fit his taller mattress and won't be crawling off in the night, hate that.
And the phone calls today were a car salesman, Larry, insurance guy and a bill collector looking for Michael Ferrin. The machine got the car salesman's call, he can't call early enough to catch me before work, Larry wanted to let me know he had the awning on and was back home, insurance guy and I have an appointment next week.
I don't enjoy calls from collection agencies looking for someone who does not live here..that includes my oldest son, a man I used to date, people who I bought this house from 6+ years ago. . . some I can get stopped, the computer ones are annoying as I can't do much about them and the bad attitude humans get me hostile fast.
But Larry and I have reservations to go camping, a house/dog/bird sitter arranged, the mowing is done, the laundry is washed and dry, the weather will be ok, we will have the dvd player and a stack of movies, I will raid my collection ..and take my Kindle, my knitting, and probably not the bikes but will call a friend about borrowing his ramps, the same ones that I sold him as I didn't own a bike any longer. . .
Work is going ok, I get a bit faster at sorting equipment racks each week, foot hates me some nights but that will be the normal for the rest of my life. I am making a living, paying my bills, supporting myself and my old house,my pets and hobbies.
I'm dating a great guy who isn't trying to change me, isn't trying to use me, isn't lying to me about some huge debts. And we do stuff together that we both enjoy and want to do, like last week's trip up north, and the camping trips, and scooting about town on our little bikes.
The house will get it's new roof, and probably central air. I might get started on that deck in the back, that would be nice and I might get some other stuff done, new sidewalk along the south side of the house would be nice, new porch would be great...
I might break down and buy a few nice summer tops that I can wear instead of t-shirts, now that would be a change.
It's time for a quick snack and off to bed, know I will be up early and have a long and busy day....

A Great Weekend

I took Friday off as a single vacation day and Larry and I headed up to Rockton IL to see and bring home another 1981 Honda Passport, red and in almost showroom condition.
The trip up was the I and make fast time, as the seller had plans that meant picking up the bike before 4:30 or on Saturday. We made it in good time but had to call to get directions to the house, his e-mailed directions were terrible but his wife was a great 'over the phone' map. LOL, but we did buy the bike and loaded it in my little truck, under the camper shell. It was a tight fit and I am glad Larry did not have my camera in hand when I was worming to the front of the truck bed to strap down that little bike.
Then it was down to Rockport and find a motel, then off to Red Lobster to eat very well, we were stuffed and back to the motel. We actually went to Rock Cut State Park on the way down, thought it was very pretty, enjoyed the ducks feeding their young on the spillway there.
We came home by smaller roads, followed Rock Cut River some, and just played tourist, I drove and Larry had great map book and was a terrific navigator. I think we both had a really great escape.
I even got home in time to pick the green beans again, we picked up strawberries on the way back so ended up with fresh green beans and ham for supper with strawberry shortcake for dessert.
Sunday I went to Springfield and went down to Edwardsville with others in our doll club for our Annual June meeting at Laurie's shop. This was the first time I was able to go so had NO idea what a fab shop she and her father have there.
The little bike did get out of my truck Monday and is Larry's garage, it's raining now so I am not getting the neglected mowing done, Larry is working on the red truck again, some hose blew Sunday, he's off to pick up the replacement that had to be ordered, I have house chores so will be working on them instead of off playing with him.
We do have the new awning in and Larry's got a Thursday early appt. to get it installed and we have camping reservations again so plan to run out Friday and set up camp, hopefully more sheltered than the first trip and hopefully better set up and organized than the first trip.

Reservations Made!

And we are going camping again, same state park, different camp site, with afternoon shade and hopefully not as much wind exposure if a storm comes up. And the bikes are going with us, or so the current plans are.
My little bike goes to work with me now, it's a short ride, only 2.5 miles or so, I would not have much chance to ride it otherwise. And lots of people think it's cute. I can like that, I am female and we like 'cute'.
Today we had the first green beans from the garden, I have them weeded and hilled up and hope they do better than prior years, I have not hilled them up for support in the past.
The corn is short and starting to push up tassel stalks, way too short so I do not expect very many ears or good corn this year, the weather just was NOT good this spring for corn.
I don't feel the garden is growing 'right' this year, our late and cold spring and then turning so hot has not been good for the garden, some of my flowers are blooming early too, and I need to dead head some already.
The plant/company has done some computer updating again, and many of us are now password locked out again. I will call tomorrow, go in early so I can go into HRD and get the problem resolved for me, wanted to check the coming paycheck and see if the missing 2 days and overtime had been 'found'.
Have someone coming about Air cond tomorrow, 3rd bid but I don't consider the place in town to be worth considering. . . if I want skinned and taken for a fool I can buy a few lottery tickets.

busy week here

and I need to get with it, eat breakfast, make a phone call or 2, get with the weeds and grass in the garden.
Have someone coming to look at the air cond job so they can give me a bid, have laundry to put away and need to wash a load of jeans, floors are a mess, sand and wet sandy dog, something about all the rain, but we track in a lot of sand any way, it beats clay in my opinion.
Not sure if Larry will go with me to get the newest bike for our collection, it's a long and hard drive for him, hips and knee gets to hurting bad and it will fit in my little truck, I measured my bike, it's same size. And I hope to have Friday off and go up then, if Larry goes, I will spring for a hotel for the night and come back Saturday.
Now I am wanting a small trailer to haul little bikes on, my truck now has air and would easily pull small trailer with the bikes when we go camping.
the garden is growing fast, I need to give away the leaf lettuce that needs picked and thin the radishes, have peas that will soon need picked and the green beans are making tiny beans so I will soon be giving away loads of beans. The corn is getting taller and Kid only killed a few stalks, the potatoes are flowering, my first potatoes here. The squash and cucumber plants are growing slowly, but looking good, I need to get out there and get busy with the hoe where I can use it and then the seat and hand tools in the beans and such where I can't use the hoe as well.
It is a better summer than last year's was, I am so much stronger, doing more than my orthopedic team ever expected me to be able to do, more than I expected me to do.
Having found a small enough motorcycle I can ride is wonderful, I like the bigger tires than a scooter has, easier on our rough roads and they are vintage cute bikes, I like that part too.
I have made a lot of progress emotionally in the past few months with this recovery, and with getting my life back to a stable and content place. It will never be the same as before the accident but I've come back a long, long way.
Well, time to get busy with the day.

the much awaited camping trip

Well, we were a bit disorganized but did manage to leave town and get to the camp ground and Larry was starting to set up when I headed back to town and Work on Friday.
I found my way back to camp with no problems just after midnight and Saturday was blue skies, hot and doing great. Until late afternoon when I took the netbook and headed on foot to the host to use the free wifi and book reservations for the weekend after next. It being Father's Day and the place packed...and the storm came in, I did not have the BRAINS to head back to the camper, winds tore the awning off . . and our great weekend away went flat/sour fast. Larry has everything insured, we will recover from it, my netbook will dry out and be fine but for a 'shakedown' camping trip, we sure managed to shake a lot of things we didn't plan to.
There sure are some advantages to tent camping, but Larry has to have air cond. with his heart condition. And I admit that 'portable house' of his sure is great 'digs' and I know he will calm down, get over the mad, he's already called the insurance, he is already arranging to get the awning roller thing home, and ya, he will go camping again, next trip we will do better, I understand what goes where, what needs done and we will be better set up, have stocked better, take the little bikes...
But I am glad to be here in my house with the birds and dog while he unwinds with his recliner and tv and without my chatter...

It'sNot for Sale..

Well, I got my first offer to sell the bike--No, it's not for sale, NO I will not set a price, and I rode it to work today. It sure looked little there with all the much bigger bikes in our bike parking area. The ride home was nice, but I am wanting a windscreen/bug shield for it. And a good fitting helmet or brain bucket for my head..
3rd week on the new job, 2 out so we are all working a bit of overtime to get everything done that has to be done before we all can leave for the night. I won't complain about the extra $ as I have plenty of bills to eat it up.
We did have a good weekend even with all the rain. I got some weeding done, the mowing done, it needs done again so maybe tomorrow I will get it done before work. Had some bike time, some quality Larry time, and rested up some.
Now I have to get organized, get things done, get calls made to more contractors and get bids on the work here needing done. If I don't hear from State Farm by the end of the week I will make a note to me about calling Monday.
in the meantime, I have things to get done, weeds to pull, a very small motorcycle to get used to riding...

Love the job change

Or at least my foot does and it was great having a weekend off to do things and attend church again. Larry has my little Honda Passport running and so I rode it around some, still have to get the plates on it but pal Carl didn't sign it where he needed to, talked to him by phone last night, he's glad the bike is running and will be in town Wed and come by and sign the title for me, he's on 2 week vacation so I can't catch him in plant today before work.
Saturday we did breakfast out with Larry's pals, then I came home to get some things done while he did yard sales with his daughter, she's hunting baby things for the baby due early this fall.
Later we went to Clayville for a festival held there, came back through Jim Edgar Panther Creek state park and looked at the camping area, picked up information and marked our little map with where there was some shade. The campground is new enough that the trees planted have not yet grown enough to provide much shade.
Larry's 30' 5th wheel does have central air but it's nice to know which sites would suit us best, and we liked it that the camp sites are so widely spaced, more feeling of privacy than some camp grounds, despite how short the trees are.
Church was great and many were glad I was able to come again. We have a cook-out after services next Sunday and I will bring fresh veggies and dip.
Busy getting bids on the work here for new roof with dormer and knee walls installed, and on central air. Have some places to call still, know a roofing company is coming Wed. I have hopes of seeing the first bid show up soon for roof/dormer and knee walls, it will be mailed.
The first for central air is about the same as what I paid to have central heat, new furnace and new heat ducting put in that old house in MO I bought when Sam and I divorced, but that was 1994 and costs have gone up.
I will have to put some photos here of the new little bike and also the work on the house as it's done. With over 80mpg I will really use the bike around town and to work all I can, and also still ride my old 10-speed bike, it's good for my heart and lungs and legs.

Beat tired, long shifts this week

I'm putting in a 7 day work week this week due to the job change and overtime the past 2 nights so IRS will like next week's check, and I will too. But my old body is not impressed, it's tired, it hurts and the gnat bites hurt and itch and I did put stuff on to try and avoid that nasty bug stuff...
but Kid and I did get some work done outside, still a lot of weeds and grass in the garden but have a good start on it now, got to keep working out there despite the bugs thinking I am a free meal.
Talking with contractors now for the new roof and dormer, need several quotes/bids and then make a decision and get on a work schedule to have that done. It will be great to no longer have a leaking roof, and know I am well started on the attic studio space.
Larry is still playing around with my Passport, it's not running yet but he is chasing down wiring problems and correcting as he goes.
I'm still getting a lot of trash spam coming from M.F.'s mail address, not impressed and wish they would stop showing up...easy to delete but it's still annoying.
The job change puts me non-union and so my earned vacation time was paid out/cashed out so I have great paycheck coming and wrote the check for what I still owe on the little bike and hope to see the title signed over and in my hand Friday.
Think the meds for the bug bites and ouch are kicking in..falling asleep so it's time to go get into bed instead of falling asleep here...

rain and more rain

Kid is doing better, most of the garden is planted and up, have a lot of weeding that needs done but too wet and cool to be outside.
Start work in frock/equipment tomorrow, better pay and hopefully less misery for my foot and ankle.
will be heading to Larry's place soon, he's not sure what to fix for supper either.
It's been a long haul, the past 7.5 months of work but I managed to do my job and carry my own weight and do work the others left un-done.
right now I'm feeling a bit moody, nothing wrong really, same stuff, too much debt, roof that leaks worse with every hard storm than it did the storm before, foot and ankle that hurts most of the time...
Know my life is pretty good, getting things worked out, bills go down a bit every month, the garden is planted, something I could not really do last year, i got stuff divided and re-planted that I wanted to do last spring and could not do by myself and had no help to do the job.
The job change is not permanent at this time but could be, and 2nd shift all week so that will make a change for Larry and I, we will have to figure a way to have quality time together during the week, harder with the schedule but he is looking forward to weekends together instead of the thursday/friday stuff I have had.
I've got an old Honda Passport I still owe $ on that we will be working on, hopefully I will soon also have my motorcycle permit before we have it running and it paid off really soon so I have the title and get it licensed.
Will have the settlement done soon, will be glad to have those medical bills off my back and no longer worry about them.
Glad I have gotten the mouches out of my life, including my #2 son. He's here in town but knows I don't have any money to help him out. He needs a job and to earn his own living, I have to, others have to, he can too...

Idiot Dog

Kid will not stay in the yard, even with me outside and calling him back, over and over. He did not understand that those vehicles were Dangerous..until this morning. He and I were walking the yard, early, and he had to be Stupid and run across Wall Street to go sniff at the corner where the people across the street set out their trash.
Trash day was yesterday and they do not use a trash can, just the plastic bags on the ground and plenty of them..so plenty to sniff.. I am calling that fool dog back and he waits until there are a car and a truck coming to decide to dart across the street..The pickup hit him, and he took off running,not home to Mommy but wildly through the back and up the alley.
It took over an hour before I found him and got him home, he has some scrapes and I hope he has learned something about those moving vehicles..I need a fence or electric pet fence here, I need a dog to get smarter, get a little less wild and crazy and figure out staying on our property is NOT the most stupid thing he could be doing..
So, now I have had my early morning stress, I can't afford to take the dog to a vet so he and his scrapes will have to heal up on their own. Most are small but 1 on the right lower shoulder area is rather big. He's going to hurt for a while but he usually learns fast, I do not have to put the trash up,he does not mess with my knitting, or shoes or chew up books, even if they are on the floor. I am hoping his little brain will think about this and figure out something about streets and cars and stay out of the street now.
Think I will go play with a pattern and some fabric, the dolls are so much better behaved than my much loved but not very smart dog...

Sun is out and I'm hurting,

man, that stinks, we finally start seeing nice, be outside and work in the garden and with my flower beds and both my hands and my right foot/ankle hate me.
With 3 people on vacation in a department of 11 there is no way I have a day off until sometime next week.
Kid is restless and wants out to play and run, which means I spend my time getting him back into our property most of the time we are outside together and that gets frustrating.
But I did get the temp opening in the frock/equipment room and start that job 5/16 and it has a better pay scale. That should help the finances here but I will have to be careful and practical and pay off debt as fast as I can.
Larry is doing well, he is walking more and doing small things on the camper, yard clean up and of course, running around town and enjoying having more energy. The new pacemaker really seems a lot bigger than the last one but some is swelling that will go down over time.
I am looking at auto web sites and dreaming a new with warranty and loads of safety features auto and today I looked at local realty listings. I don't want to move, I do like my little place, but at times I look at all the work needing done and get discouraged, especially when I think about living here through the renovations.
I should see a settlement from the accident by the end of this month. It will be good to get that behind me and have 1 less weight on my shoulders.
My blood pressure is staying down to acceptable numbers and I am checking it 2x per day,ok, so I do forget or not bother when I get home from work some nights but I am watching it. I did salt and vinegar chips for supper last night but I am still doing without caffeine and surviving that.
The Kish club doll has not arrived so I need to call them today and did get the phone # written down, now need to see if I can find my club membership card.
But the teas I ordered are here in town and out for delivery according to the tracking.
Paycheck is very short with only 3 days on it, but I will pull from savings and know next week I will see a lot of overtime and I am not sorry I took 2 days off to be with Larry for his surgery. And not taking it as paid vacation days means I have more vacation days to enjoy.
Someone is turning Kid loose when I am at work on weekends, so a locking run is top of the list and I will check the bank balance and see if I can swing the stuff today.
Time to get a shower and into clothes for the day, then can probably call Kish in Denver and check on the doll that should have gotten here..or so I think...

Happy May day

Not a bad work day but the family reunion Larry was to attend didn't go well, his oldest sister had chest pains and they took her to Rushville and now will be taking her on to the hospital in Peoria, she's from up in that area. I decided to stay home and not add to the confusion. Plus I will be working 12 days straight and know long hours in a vehicle and at a hospital and back home will be hard on me, without me, Larry will probably ride with his sister Pauline and her husband.
I will pray for all of them, safe roads and that Gladys is soon stable and home. Know it will be a long trip for Larry and is hard for me to not go running up there but know I need to be resting if I am to make it through the long work shifts and not be miserable with pain.
My blood pressure is running crazy, it's spiking very high so I am not checking it at least 2x a day and have really reduced my intake of tea and coffee. I will watch it for a while and if it continues to spike high or starts doing it again, I will know what it's been doing and take the little record to the doctor.. I do know stress is some of the problem, and work stress is something I can't do a lot to resolve but at least Larry's surgery is done and he's improving every day.
I will have to deal with State Farm and get that issue off my worry list, and the few other small things I fret about.
I'm coping with cutting down on caffeine but did notice a bit of headache in the mornings, not sure it's from no caffeine but know I don't run on the stuff so my body will adjust fast and I have some herbal teas coming, was easier to order on line than to run to Rushville and a better price.
I'm still waiting on the doll from Kish collector's club, had hoped she would be here by now but did e-mail them and ask, a doll shop has them for sale already so I know they are being shipped.
Well, it's movies and knitting this evening instead of supper with Larry and I will be sleeping here alone so I better clean off my bed, I've been trying to sew some so cleared my sewing area. Maybe I will even make some time to sew or at least cut out the outfit I want to work on.

A long and wet month.

But the garden is in, or most of it is in and up, most of the pampas grass roots I pulled from my established plants have started growing, only 1 along the south berm has not started growing and it will be easy to replace.
The hosta I divided seems to be doing well, so the north side of my lot is slowly improving and I have been working to find and remove all the tree seedlings that need pulled before they get so big I have to dig them out.
Larry's pacemaker surgery went well and early so that was good for him and those of us sitting and waiting. They put a cot in his room for me so I was handy through the night if/when he needed something. And the process of getting him released went faster than we expected, we were in the truck and heading home before 11:30 am.
I took loads of snacks, lots of knitting, my Kindle, my smallest Ipod, my latest hardback, tea bags and 1 of my traveling cups so I was stocked for the long wait and the stay overnight.
It's stayed cool and a lot of rain, but only 1 frost since I planted the garden. Things are not growing much but at least they are growing, I still need to buy and plant the more tender plants like tomatoes and squash, cucumbers but will be buying the plants soon.
I am waiting for my doll from the Kish club, I joined this year once I have my tax return. The dolls were expected in Feb. but didn't arrive in Denver until mid month April, and have been shipped out but mine has not gotten here and I don't have a tracking number or know if it's been shipped or with who.
I still don't have a settlement with State Farm but think they do have all the medical bills now and I will write them and ask for a date/appointment so we can get this moving on. It will be good to get it behind me and also know all the medical providers are paid.
Larry's daughter and son were there with me, at least until he was well settled in his room, it's the first time I have spent any time with them, I don't know them well and we all have such busy lives, they visit him on their way home from work here in town, and when I'm not around.
They don't object to him having a life, but this dating/girlfriend is very big change for adult kids to adjust to, they got along well with his wife, didn't want him alone and lonely after she passed away but he's not been a single and dating man since they were kids.
I have 2 days off coming up, and then will be working 12-13 days in a row while Anthony is on vacation and working alone most of those shifts. Know my foot will be hurting and miserable but will tough it out, Anthony worked for me Monday so I could be with Larry and worked alone yesterday so I could have that off too.
I am still watching bids posted and looking to bid to something that my foot will tolerate better but not holding my breath.

leaking roof

and plenty of rain to water all my garden and landscaping. Move the bed away from the leaking ceiling and go back to sleep for a while. Count my blessing that I do have a home, a job, Larry, and most of my life is pretty good.
This year I can not only walk my small place but I can also do my own mowing, chase my own weeds and dig up and divide some of my plants. Between the pampas grass and the hosta plants that I divided and spread out, I would have spent around $100 or more to buy the same amount of plants.
Work is hard and challenging, for my foot and because of the co-workers and what they do or don't do..man, I hate dealing with spoilt brat kids or cleaning up after spoilt brat kids and that's how it feels far too often.
I will watch for job openings, read the posted bid sheets and stay tough.
Larry is such a joy and blessing, he's so stable and strong, and solid. He's going to do just fine with this up coming surgery and we are going to have wonderful days, terrific nights and grow our relationship.
My finances are scary tight now, I get so angry about what I spent going out west, and while there, yes, resent the deception and lies, do feel I was used and deliberately used. But I know that part of my financial problems are some bad spending habits, the accident, and my own being stupid.
So, where I can't change the past, I am working hard to get things in good order, change some attitudes I have about money, keep a tighter rein on my money, and get the blasted plastic debt paid off and close most of the accounts. I don't need to ever be in this position again.
So, now to get with the stuff I need to do in the attic, get with stuff I need/want to do before work and go to work once again. I do have a really good life, I did make a very stupid choice in trust over a year ago, ouch, pay the bills for that, and move on. It sure could have been far worse...

The landscaper is working again!!!

Ok, so I am my own landscaper, but I am getting stuff done that I wanted to do last year and was not able to do. I now have pampas grass starts along the entire outer side of the south berm and am watering them now. I have even got some new starts along the north fence where I lost plants, will need a few more to fill in the rest of the gaps but at least I am making progress there too.
The hosta plants are getting divided and re-set so they will be more spread out, cover more area along the northwest side of my property, too much shade for the pampas grass in that area.I got my garden sprinkler cleaned so now it works like I need it to and I ran water in the soaking hose that lives along the east property line, it waters the day lilies and pampas grass along that alley.
I keep pulling tree seedlings everywhere I find them, and will be working on the weeds in the flower beds next.
Kid is not good help and won't stay on our property so ends up on his run and miserable before I am done outside for the day. He will learn but it's going to take time and a really tall fence or electric pet fence.
And I am running some auto comparison stuff for that vehicle I can't afford but would like to replace my old truck with..maybe, maybe...
I am so glad I am able to do more outside this year. My foot will always have problems and I know over time some will get worse but at least I am able to pull the weeds, have a garden, walk my small place and enjoy seeing what progress I have made in the years I have owned this place.
I still have a long way to go but I am seeing progress once again..

The doll club meeting

I had a really good time at our doll club meeting Sunday, took a vacation day so I could attend and do the program for the meeting. It was on artist dolls and I took some of my dolls that had not been out of their boxes for 7+ years. I also was hostess so did vegie and meat/cheese trays that were a great hit and Larry and I will share the leftovers, he needs to eat more vegies and it sure makes easy packing for my work meals.

Oh, rats, the stuff I don't have and need

There is a shipping position open in plant and I have no resume to submit. I have not had one for years, and now, to apply I need to put 1 together...asap...and not even sure where to start.
I am supposed to do something at the doll club meeting this Sunday and don't have that stuff ready either, but it won't take too long for me to chase the information and make up the hand out sheets I will then have printed out at some office supply place on the way to the meeting..cheaper than using my printer ink..so I can get that together but a resume???
I don't have a clue as to where I need to start- - -don't have enough education, LOL, at least not what would help, computer classes, office management type stuff, all my education on that line was when Ben was in diapers and he's 25 now. I don't know when I started as supply clerk, but can go back through some of my own info here and get that, and then there is the 8.5 months I lost with the accident...
But I have until Monday to apply, and I can either get my act together and put together a resume to submit with the on line app or I can not try for the job...and I do want to try. It's 2nd shift and salary but it's something to consider and would get me off my feet, still in the same plant, still doing something I would enjoy and find challenging and worth doing.
Guess I better get my act together as I also need to get the mower started and mow the grass here too before it decides to rain.

Into April and warmer weather..

Did get some stuff done outside, too windy today after work, good work shift but foot is finding it harder and harder to tolerate the job demands.
Larry is cooking tonight, I need to head over there soon, want to pack a change of clothes, need to turn the dryer back on, stuff in there is not yet dry.
Need to start working on the stuff for my doll club meeting this coming Sunday, on doll artists and their dolls..and where some are now, what they are doing...will get busy with that this week and get my dolls out and ready to go with me. Have the Sunday off as a paid vacation day...
Need to make a list and might do that this evening while Larry and I watch tv. I now have a light on 'my' side of the bed so I can see to knit or read while we relax and I have my feet up...nice improvement, foot appreciates me being down with foot elevated, my restless hands are happy and Larry has me there with him, everyone but my dog and his cat seem to win, LOL.
Decided to corrupt Jake's girlfriend, put a link to Tonner Dolls on her facebook page, she's into Twilight and he has that license....nothing like trying to gain another doll collector, now to see if she wants to learn to knit, and if she sews....
Yes, I am plotting...

cold and car shopping

It's cold, I'm cold and didn't sleep well, foot/ankle hurting issues there. The sun is out and I've been car shopping on line. I don't know if I will be buying but I am comparing and making lists and looking at warranty and mpg. I told Larry that color would be an issue too, I don't want to buy a black or really dark colored vehicle, we do want standard trans and air.
And I made a call about the medical bill from Clinical Radiologists that came Saturday. I have most of those accounts paid off now but this one, it's stupid how slow some of this has processed and I do know it's not been my Blue Cross that has been the delay.
But it looks like the medical bills from the accident are all in order,and I should soon see the paperwork from Blue Cross so that can be turned in and we can get with finishing up the settlement from this accident. It's been over a year now, and will soon be 6 months since I returned to work.
I'm sleeping badly from pain issues, Larry is concerned some but knows I have been trying to bid to something easier for my foot and I am taking some tylonal now and then. He doesn't mind that it disturbs his sleep once in a while, but he knows I want to be able to stay at Cargill as long as possible and I want to be able to work in the garden and flower beds, go for walks with him, camping and bike rides as soon as we have his bikes running and that I want to be able to take Kid walking, and ride my 10 speed this summer.
Think I will take a nap today before work, it sounds so lazy but I spend most of Saturday and Sunday at work on my feet and moving so end up beat tired lately, today will be a long and busy day but my Tuesdays and Wednesdays are usually easier for me.
I know I have a very good life, a great man in my life and things are so much better for me today than they were a year ago. I have walked a long and hard road to get to this point and place and have worked hard for the healing progress and for the stability I have gained.

Getting old, you know it's going to storm when. ..

The plate and screws in my right leg start to hurt, or the heel bone and nerves in that same foot really get uncomfortable and stay that way. Or Larry's left knee hurts and won't let up...made a restless night for both of us. An Kid had a huge ham bone, which had to be salty, he consumed a huge amount of water, had to go out to take care of that several times...I'm going to work beat tired and Larry went home to take his meds, try Icy-Hot on his aching knee and to get some rest.
The kindle will keep me company for my McDonald's breakfast today and I will hope when I get home from work Larry is hurting less.
Rain is predicted so I will also move the bed away from the wall and where the bedroom ceiling leaks and hope it doesn't rain much.
I need to call State Farm and do a bit of bugging about the settlement, want all the medical bills off my back and budget and would like to see the settlement done, funds to start replacing the leaking roof and do a few other things.
I did some of the stuff yesterday that I normally do on Sunday so my 'need to do' list should be shorter today, do have the floors to clean and a few other things but hope to have a quiet day and not be running hard on my feet much. And I picked up a can of coffee so do have my coffee club dues and can get them paid.
Daffies are sure getting ready to open, I don't think Larry is really going to pick them so he can give me free flowers...but I did tell him I had them counted...and I did tell him that I love him, and will fuss and worry about it, it just comes with the 'girlfriend' job. He'd already figured that out, LOL, and we're comfortable with US.

E-mails for Meds we don't need.

Today's mail had an e-mail from a guy I used to be involved with...and I think his e-mail has been hacked. If not, then he's sending me links for meds that Larry and I don't need, for problems we don't have. It's ok for others to use Viagra or Cialis or such but here it's not needed or wanted.
I'm not bragging or complaining but Larry and I have great communication, Good chemistry and a very honest and close relationship. We are both tactile and verbal people, like a lot of the same things for activities, same foods, and 'get the joke'.
It's a very new relationship, we know we are building for long term, and with a solid foundation and understandings.
Someone once told me that someday I might just meet my soul mate and I assured him that would not ever be happening, Larry thought his wife and he had a very good and solid marriage and nothing would ever come close, companionship was what he was looking for.
And now we are both figuring out this passionate, close, bonding thing we have between us, nothing either of us expected or were prepared to deal with.
We bring out something in each other, it's there, others can see it, feel it, hear it, it's more than a sexual thing, but that's sure right there, we'd NEVER be able to convince anyone that we are 'just friends' or platonic...
But when it comes to 'sexual enhancement aids' we really don't need them or want them...and e-mail links to them are not wanted...even when it's from hacked mail accounts.
Yes, I know Larry has a pacemaker, I was with him, and watched all the high tech stuff that was used yesterday for the annual device check up. And I go with him for the bi-weekly blood work that he has done every 2 weeks. And I will be there with him if he's in the hospital- -but I am not letting him go hold my hand the end of this month for my dental cleaning...I will probably walk down, it's just a few blocks and then show him my shining teeth once I have survived it.
I don't ill wish anyone, but do have some resentment about the funds I spent with trips out west, poor investment, not a cheap learning experience but I enjoyed the trips so will write off the costs and be so very glad I did the math and figured out the financial issues, found the foreclosure notice on line and learned I had been lied to about some huge financial obligations before they became my problems too.
My debt load is big enough without taking on that of someone else, but it's going down a bit at a time and Larry is very financially stable, able to pay his own way, puts into savings, everything he has is paid for and taken care of.
He also takes good care of his health, and that really matters to me, I am not a total health nut but do believe in personal responsibility and that includes for ones own body.
Now I need to get with payday errands, auto insurance, quick old house project and then get the pansy plants into the ground. Larry and I picked them up yesterday while we were in Springfield for his check up.

Another Monday

And it's cold and overcast, I thought we were to get warmer and sun, and I know Thursday and Friday to expect RAIN, ya, again on my days off. Larry and I are running to Springfield, it will be a good day, regardless of the weather.
The Kindle came last week and it now has a knitted cover, screen savers are on the was and a waterproof cover too..so I can soak in the tub and enjoy e-books. And I really like it, have been taking it to work and reading on my meal breaks, know I will enjoy this device a lot, but still will be reading paper books. I won't spend a lot buying e-books when there are so many available free..
The missing jeep keys turned up yesterday. I parked in front of the house and found them in the street, along the curb. They are the right keys, the jeep moved a few feet further into the yard and Andy's blankets are now in the back seat and NOT in my house, in my way.
I won't go into all that could have happened, the house keys on that ring are NOT to my doors, the jeep didn't get stolen and the keys are now safely here in the house. Not very responsible of the son that had them, am sure dropping them was an accident that will not happen again. He won't have the keys again.
Made it to a doll club meeting yesterday, did some needle felting, but think I am making some sort of dog, not a cute white sheep. But it was nice to be able to go and I didn't loose much work time.
And I came home right after, got the dog fed, and a change of clothes so I could go to Larry's house.
He waited supper on me, we had steaks and vegies, the broiler set off the smoke alarm which would not shut up, we put it outside for a while. The meal was good, the movie was ok and we were asleep early, and woke up way too early.
He's not happy with the colder weather, he's been working on getting the camper ready to go play, wants to go as soon as we can, not far,just an out of town escape, he talked this morning about sitting out, drinking coffee and watching it get light. I am going to remember to raid my blankets so we can wrap up in blankets and not freeze while we do that sit out side and watching it get light stuff.
I know it's not every one's idea of camping but it will work for us, we don't have to go far, just a bit of escape from the routine and town.
And we are doing coffee at home more often, mornings we wake up together, unless it's the weekend, then I'm heading to work and it's McDonalds and I eat breakfast and head to the plant.
The plant is ok, did bid for a job change, hourly management and my dept.head has that department and will be making the decision so I do have a chance. It's look at our records, interviews and so forth before a decision is made, it's not by seniority and I do think I have a fair chance of getting the job.
Life is going ok, get unhappy with my foot and then have to remind myself just how far that foot has come beyond what was expected and how much more I am doing, how much less pain I am having.
Still don't have the settlement done with State Farm and I need to make a call and nudge a bit on that one. Would like it done, those medical bills paid and off my back and know if I have enough left to put on that much needed new roof here.

Quiet house, too quiet..

Friday's storm did something to the phone lines and I have had NO dial tone since then but still have internet. Am waiting for AT&T to deal with the problem which is their problem and NOT in my house..checked the little box outside with a phone I know works...
My new Kindle is out for delivery so I am impatient to get it here and be able to use and enjoy it, and learn how to use it.
It's about 32 outside today with winds that give us a wind chill of 27. Larry wants to start doing work with the camper and in his garage but it's too cold, he has a heater he can take out there but I don't see any reason for him to go get chilled and be miserable. That stuff will wait and maybe I can help him with some of it.
I'm going to toss a dvd in and watch the last of Eureka season 3, knit on the Kindle sock I started yesterday and relax, not much to do here but wash dishes, sweep the floor, fold a basket of clean clothes...and get ready for work...
Ben has not shown up, his stuff is together and waiting for him, Kid is being quiet, the birds are content.
I know I will have a busy shift but doubt if I get the 200 chain put away, it's too heavy for me to lift, wish I had gotten it received Saturday so maybe it would have been put away by Anthony or Dave...oh, well, we will manage.

The lust has died...not buying iPad2

Here I have waited and drooled and waited for iPad2 to be out or at least have that official Apple news conference and now it's come and gone and there's not enough improvement/change for me to want 1 any more.
Which is great for the budget here, and once the state taxes are in my checking account I will be on line at Amazon.com to order that Kindle instead. And to set up a dedicated file, get another flash drive to dedicate to books so I can start working on that e-library I will enjoy.
And it's cool and gray today, had coffee early (for me) with Larry and now have a load of laundry going, bread dough raising and will be making some cinnamon rolls today. And maybe get the camping dishes washed up so they can go over to the camper.
I'm a bit restless today, need to sit and work on the knitting projects, need to get some things ready for tomorrow's trip to Springfield and Darrell's surgery. He's to have all his pre-op stuff done so that I don't end up making this trip and the surgery postponed. I let him know that I would be screaming mad if the surgery was not done and my valuable time taken up.
So, babysit the laundry and the baking and play with my knitting and Kid and quality time with Larry.
As for the iPad, I have a good net book, a good laptop, Jake's laptop, desk computer and will have an e-reader. I wanted a sd card slot and more ram at the same price, LOL, I don't consider 2 cameras to be a huge plus as I would not use them or would rarely use them...great way to save my $$$$ but I still think Apple puts out some great tech tools and toys.

Sad Day

I came home with foot hurting and sad. 1 of our maint.supervisors has passed away suddenly. He took 2 months off to go play in Florida, planning to return in April, work a bit longer and then retire. His last conversation with me had to do with him going where it was warm and sunny and me having to stay and deal with the cold and snow and issue out parts.
Now I want to go curl up in Larry's bed and feel his arms around me and just be sad. But he's sleeping and I will be sad, drag the tea and popcorn to my bed and watch something on dvd for a while and think about Bob Brown, who will be missed in our plant and town.
And I am going to treasure and cherish every minute I have with the people who are close to my heart, be glad they are a part of my life.
And I am going to thank God for the techie box in Larry's chest that helps keep his heart working, for the meds that help keep him alive and healthy and for the the fact that he has become, that we have become a part of each others life.
We talked about his wife today, I know I would have liked her, he still loves her and I hope he always does. They had 23 years together and each day was a treasure for them. He knows she did not want him to spend his remaining time alone and grieving for her, but I know a part of his heart is hers and will stay that way.
I hope she is somewhere that she can look in on how he's doing, I hope she is ok with me becoming his gal pal, his lover.
I hope that Mrs. Brown has great treasures in her heart from the years she and Bob were together, that she has comfort in her time of loss, just no way for me to explain how hard this had hit me, to walk into work and hear the news.
We don't control that time we are walking on this earth, it's not really ours. We can be careful, we can eat right, live a good life and still, it's not always something we have much control or choice about.
Larry did not die with his heart attack, Bob Brown did, I didn't die in that car accident, Mark Young did.
I'm not ready to put into words spoken out loud my feelings for Larry, but the feelings are there, they are in my actions and on my face. And right now I want to curl up in his arms and grieve for the loss of a respected supervisor and for his wife's pain and loss.

Monday again..

The past 2 weeks were loud, busy, occasionally insane but great. Ben is somewhere about but not here at the house, Jake is up in Chicago with his new girlfriend and will fly out from there, and the house is quiet and I am gaining on the cleaning.
Larry and I did supper out and then went by the skating party for his grandson. I didn't skate but both my feet thought they might be able to. Larry loved seeing me so 'grinnney' watching the kids skate.
It rained in the night, enough for me to need to move the bed and hear the roof leak. It won't always be that way, I cope now and Larry does understand how much better off this 'land bound' woman is with her own bit of land and leaking roof, old house than if I was in some rented apartment.
It will take a while to get things here back in order, I need to make more space in the storage area under the house for some more of Jake's stuff and will not gain on that for a few days. My next Friday off I am committed to being the driver for a friend having surgery so the day will start early with Larry and then I will be off to pick up Darrell and to Springfield and his surgery.
So, maybe it's a good thing that Larry starts his days around 4 am all the time.. We will do early breakfast at McD's and then I will be off to Virginia, take Darrell and his car, my netbook, knitting and book to Koke Mill Medical center.
We are talking camping and Larry thinks it's warm enough to start doing the stuff with the camper to get it ready, the drains, put water in the tank and run it through to check for leaks and I will help with some, wipe down the fridge inside and we have to start with stocking the kitchen with dedicated stuff, so we will go through my camping stuff first as I know I have some of what we will want.
We aren't going far, just getting out of town, away from my heavy street traffic, his place, just away from the routine and the tv and friends. We won't do a lot, walk, talk, enjoy quality time, but it will make a nice change of scenery for us. And the pals will imagine we are having a wild time, LOL, his son calls in the late afternoon and hopes he's not interrupting anything, Larry was sitting at the kitchen table and I was dealing with the laundry here. His daughter askes if he's getting enough rest and hopes his heart is doing ok.
Really, people, get a grip, We do Not spend All our time together Tearing each others clothes off.
Not that it's not a fun idea but real life seems to get in the way, as does the dog, my job, food and sleep needs....but we smile and laugh a lot, we like that holding hands stuff and ya, that was his hand on my bum while we stood rinkside and watched the kids skate last night, and neither of us were worried about who noticed (the lighting was dim, we were at the end of the protective wall there).
I'm not going to the Celtic Women concert, we watched the dvds I own, we talked and he would go if I did the driving once we got close to Peoria, and I woke up wanting to replace the bathroom sink here more. I can buy the dvd and cd and enjoy them over and over, the dvd won't let me pull the music for my ipod so it takes both here. And I can start looking at white pedistal style bathroom sinks that would suit me.
It's funny, for several months going to that concert was so high on my list and now I am really wanting the $$ for that bathroom sink replacement. It feels good to know I make those choices for my reasons and someone supports me, listens to my reasons and lets me bounce ideas around.
He watched my recovery from this accident and saw something he wanted to know better. Now he's seeing all the bits and pieces that were not showing there at McD's and other places here about town. I saw a quiet and good mannered man who did not look at me with pity or with disgust over my awkwardness and physical challenges. Who didn't talk to me often or gawk at me like I was some side show from the circus.
Now we are learning so much more, we are both very tactile people, and we talk, we ask and we listen. We both like quiet lives and hold some people very close to our hearts but don't need loads of friends or out with people all the time.
We both try and eat sensible and listen to our medical professionals so we are able to take better care of our bodies and have better quality of life.
We don't want big vacations, huge homes or to go on a cruse and for both of us, this town is Home, we like it here and don't want to move elsewhere. He takes care of what he owns, he manages his finances carefully and practically and he's at peace with the man he's grown into.
So, here I sit, knowing despite the leaking roof, the stuff that is taking up a lot of floor space in my tiny sewing space, the mess in the living room, I really have a very good life that just keeps getting better. And when I'm ready to try that skating, Larry will be there to support me, cheer me on if I can skate, even if it's slow and awkward and hug me close, no matter what.

Weekend and weekend and days off..

I did have a great 'weekend' off and my Saturday and Sunday, days 1&2 of my work week were good too, and then there are 3 more days to the week, Larry's off those days, it's our small joke, he enjoys 'my' weekend, and the calendar weekend and then has 3 days off. It's my way of giving him a different way to see his life with retirement, for medical reasons far sooner than he had planned.
We had fun Thursday, with 6 for supper here, we were busy Friday and even got my plum trees pruned up. We hit McD's for my usual before work breakfast, and I had a busy but good work day and then it was supper at my house and a movie. Sunday was breakfast again at McD's, again,my usual for before work on Sunday and home. Me to rest and get off my foot, Larry to his place, long chat on the phone before I went to soak in the tub.
Boys are still in MO, not something I am happy about, reasons for that stink, and are not Jake or Ben's fault. they should be home Tuesday and Larry will get me to work if need be, I caught a ride home with friend Leta as I will NOT let Larry get up and come get me at that time of the night. I know he doesn't sleep well and he starts his days around 4 am most of the time.
I think we will be taking his camper out as soon as some place is open, set up on Wed. before I go to work and then I can come to my house, do what I need to, get Kid and head to 'camp' and then have until Friday late to break camp. Just be away, out of town and kick back, not far away and nothing exciting planned.
It will be good to have the boys and my truck home, I fret.

Life updates

Jake and Ben are in MO with my truck and might not be back until tomorrow, that guy from McDonald's has been my ride to work and home, he also was part of the help trimming the plum trees this past Friday. And he's Larry, who also likes camping, somewhere close to just get away and be lazy, flea markets and estate auctions, holding hands and cuddling up. We do a lot of laughing and talking, we are comfortable together.
He lives northeast of me, an easy walk most of the time, and has spent months biding his time, getting to know me and for me to get to a place where my life was more together than it was 6 months ago, 8 months ago...
The foot is hurting but I have worn my lower, less support boots for the past 2 shifts and run hard both shifts so I think foot and I have done ok. Foot has to get where we are using the muscles and tendons and ligaments for support instead of depending on high leather boots laced snug.
Nice to have a quiet 'after work', I will take Kid out for bathroom break, call Larry and then go see how long I can soak in the tub, with tea, book, and the phone handy.
And ya, it's nice to be keeping company with a man whose finances are stable, who takes reasonable care of himself and what he owns, who doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, and who gets along with my dog.

Tranis and references...

Jake is on his way home on leave, catches a train in Chicago Monday morning early and I collect him in Springfield around 10:30 am. It will be so great to have him home for a bit, and for him to see that I am doing so much better than when he was home on leave in March.
And 1 of the breakfast at McDonald's gang offered me references and asked if I was in the phone book and what my last name was...his references check out very well...he did find my number in the phone, he's paid enough attention that he knows my work schedule...and we did late lunch out in Jacksonville yesterday and had a comfortable time--I probably talked too much...I hope to continue to get to know him better.
The weather has warmed up so the snow is melting some, most of my place is still huge mounds of dirty white stuff but I hope it goes off slowly as that will reduce the flooding problems for many people.
Busy Saturday, they usually are and the 2nd shift clerk managed to be ticked off at what I did--cleaning up some of the mess he made out of a shipment of labels. They are now tidy and on a cart, checked over and ready to be received once the paperwork is retrieved from the office, he put it through the door slot so I could not get them received today.
Actually, receiving freight on Saturday is part of my job duties, as it's also his, and putting away freight is part of everyone's job duties... The man likes to find reasons to be in a snit, it's a common attitude problem but it's not contagious so I don't plan to catch it, nor do I plan to let poor work habits of others change me.
I'm a little nervous about this prospective dating...not about the man but about just getting involved with anyone. I am glad he's not looking for something that moves fast, has watched me recover from this accident, has had time to watch and think and does want to get to know me better. He's talked with his daughter about it, she's comfortable with the idea of her widowed father dating..and as her husband is 1 of our maint. supervisors I expect her to have him 'check me out' some. I am ok with that too, if it was my dad, ya I would want to ask a bit and do some checking.
My neighbor north of me thinks well of the man, and if asked, will give his honest opinion of me, I mentioned it to him today..and as Steve L has been my neighbor since I moved here to this house, he's seen a side of me that others might not have seen. He is also now 1 of our maint supervisors so he would be who I would go ask if it was my well liked and respected father in law who was getting back into the dating pool. He's been widowed for about 2.5 years now...
Of course right now my world centers around Jake coming home on leave and my job, everyone who knows me or is around me is aware Jake's coming home..

Bad dog, bad dog...

Kid tore up his bed that lived in his doghouse. The fabric bed was out in the snow, the green stuffing is everywhere--obviously a bored and Bad dog today while I was at work. There will be NO new bed for that kid..at least not for a while...
Work was ok, got done everything I needed to do, some of the inventory counting that is running behind (normal) and had a good day. Foot would not agree but we know foot is whiney and complains a lot.
House is peaceful, just the dog, birds, tv and me. Not much good but am watching Murder she wrote re-runs, thinking I want the house warmer, that there's not much really good to snack on and that it's great to have no other humans in the house when I get home from work.
I did watch a cute, funny movie last night, Smooch, and it was fun, I would have liked it better with no commercials but at least Halmark does movies I can enjoy.
I've been back at work over 4 months now, been picking up the pieces from this accident and what it's done to my life and making some progress. And weekend breakfast is usually at McDonalds, see the same guys there most weekends, they have watched me go from the walker and to the cane and back to work..don't really know them but they are part of that emotional support I have had with this long and hard healing.
There's not any way I can explain how much I hurt after work some shifts, or how hard it gets to just do my job and not sit and bawl.
And I come home to that bad dog,who is beside himself excited to have me home..he knew I was not happy with what he had done, but gee, Mommy's home..look, look Mommy, see how high I can jump, look, look Mommy, I am wagging my tail so fast and hard I'm almost bend double...
It's a good world, got some solid friends, got my feet on solid ground, and I live in my own place, where I'm in charge of my own life. I am able to support myself and my pets, and have a few 'goodies' in life.
And today someone asked if I was in the phone book, not quite the same as asking for my phone number but it gave me a lift.....even if the phone doesn't ring...it's a female thing...

Time to 'clean house'

The storm has come and gone, it's bitter cold outside but the roads are safe to drive..I am going to get Ben's gal-pal safely to her home in Rushville..he can go too if he wants. He can stay there if he wants--but I will have at least 1 less human in this house before noon..
I might end up being called in so will have to get the humans up and moving soon...and they are not morning people..too bad...she needs to get home and I need fewer humans in this small house before my attitude gets Nasty.
I so want to be living alone, Ben out and just people who visit and for short visits. I have plenty of 'social' at work..and I have friends, and the internet. I don't need humans living here with me.
I also do not need phone calls from creditors looking for other people, but it happens. Does let me know that person has unpaid bills that they are not being responsible for. And I am not responsible for so not my problem. I have plenty of my own problems and responsibilities here.
I do have the heat turned down, lower than I am comfortable with but not willing to heat or feed those adults staying here more than I have to...but I do understand she needed to deal with her car, they were at the store Saturday when car developed problems and it could be the timing belt. Car could not be moved and she needed here to get it to shop. And then the storm came in, so can't blame anyone for the tiny house with too many humans problem. It just happened..but I can get her safely home this am, I can get house a bit more tidy, my x-box back in my room, the son can tidy up what mess/disorder he is responsible for and maybe I will like my day off tomorrow..
It's a small paycheck due to the day off sick last week, and the next 1 will be short unless I am called in today, I only worked 4+ hours yesterday, but at least I did work those hours. I could have stayed longer but the computer there was being 'glitchie' so that made receiving a battle and most of maint had called in so not much demand for parts from supply..time to pack it up, lock the door, turn in the keys and get home...
I need to motivate me and then the humans in the living room...it's almost 9 already and I need to Rushville and back before noon..

I'm Jacob's mother...

And he gets it from me..that verbal stuff while playing video games..Ben plays quietly, you hear the game but rarely Ben. Jake is all there, loud, involved, vocal..he's that kid of gamer..and now I own an x-box 360 and How to Train your Dragon..and I'm loud, and I am vocal and I might not be very good at the game but you can tell I am playing my silly video game before you get to the front door...ya, I'm Jacob's mother and he got that from me.
Hopefully in a couple weeks he will be here on leave and it will be Jake telling his character how to do it right...and I will find it far more funny now than I did in the past. Now I do know where he gets that from...

bugs and germs at work

It might have been elsewhere but I am blaming work, I came home Tuesday from work with a sniffle, by 4 am I was getting cold meds out of the cupboard and miserable. Called in Wed. and I have spent the entire time in bed, sleeping for the most part other than bathroom needs and up to consume more juice.
Between my badly congested lungs and aching head this old body was miserable. Today I feel a little more human but lungs are still some congested and head hurts, just not as bad. I might even want some food today...
I have not been sick enough to call in to work for a long time, not counting that accident stuff. But there was no way I could make it to work, I did well to make it out of bed to the toilet or kitchen and back.
Today I have bills that have to be paid, a bank account that needs balanced and hopes to have lunch at Pizza Hut with pal Kim. I need a shower, my bed needs clean sheets and I have work tomorrow and will be rested and ready..so I hope.
At least I feel more human today than I have for more than 48 hours...and I will sanitize all phones, keyboards, mice and such here at home and at work and hope we all don't share this nasty bug I picked up.

Ready to either hibernate or run away

It's about 21 above, it's snowing again, and I want to either hibernate until spring or run away to somewhere really warm and green. I have hid in the house most of my week of vacation and can't say I have gotten much done, watched some dvds, read some, knit some, worked on learning to play my silly video game, cooked a bit, did some laundry and wanted it to be warmer.
I will be glad to be back at work tomorrow and hope the roads aren't bad by then. Ben has been here over a week and I am really ready to have the house back to just the critters and me again. I admit to being very content all alone. And I am not actually alone, 3 parrots and a rather large dog do not make very alone.
The time off has been good for my foot, but knitting has been hard on my hands, which is why I have not done as much as I had hoped to be doing. I will not worry about how long it takes me to get things knit, it's not how I make my living but what I do for my own pleasure and enjoyment.
I need to bake cookies and pack up a box to ship to Jake and the rest of his pals, it's been too long since I sent the kids a box.
I am glad I have this old house and that the wiring and furnace are both really recent and that I have gotten part of the windows replaced. I hope to end up with enough from the final insurance settlement to put a new roof on the house, with a dormer and also do the needed knee walls and cross ties the attic will need, for support for the roof job and for the conversion from un-used attic to my studio.
Was asked about what happened between me and Mike and did honestly explain about Mike lying about financial matters, including that huge $275,000 mortgage in foreclosure his name was on. The friend was glad I found out about things before I ended up in financial ruin and agrees I did the right thing to back away before I ended up with huge problems in my life that I did not need or deserve. Not easy to step back and away, but know I have to act responsibly and have to insure that I am able to stay self supporting and keep a roof over my head.

That IPAD addiction of mine

I want an e-reader now, and I want it to be an IPAD but know gen2 is coming out within 3 months and will be huge improvement on the gen 1 IPAD so it's worth waiting for. So, I have to read e-books on my laptop and put $$ into saving to wait for Apple to release the gen 2 toy I want.
It's a good life, I shoveled snow today, not just my snow but Chuck and Alberta's snow too, and that is something I didn't think I would ever be able to do so I have come a long way in the past few months. I know it won't be easy but I will be able to do some things that matter to me. It might seem stupid to others but ya, shoveling the snow for my neighbors does matter to me, it's something I have enjoyed and thought I had lost because of this accident.
Finances will be tight, and I will be struggling for a long time here with paying down debts and with getting this house fixed. But I will be able to do more than I had expected to be able to do. I don't know if I will get back some of what I have lost but the little things do matter to me. I am going to be able to shovel snow and maybe come summer I might be riding that bike of mine.
So, for now I will read my e-books on laptops and be glad I have them, and I will be glad I have a good and good health insurance and I will be glad I have no relationships that are financially draining and that the dog loves my company even when I have scolded him or smacked him for some thing he should not have done.
I will let my little sister chase the love of her life, or whatever, think I can live with my quiet friendship and rare times together out of the plant with a man who has his act together, who is very financially stable, keeps a good job and doesn't lie to me or try to use me.

Vacation---do I HAVE to be off 7 whole days???

So, it's going to be lousy weather, it's cold, I don't have money to play with, and Jake's leave got moved to next month. By the time he let me know it was (of course) too late for me to have my vacation moved.
But Kid got me up early and I made coffee and scones. This time I used 1 cup of bread (high gluten) flour and 1 cup of whole wheat pastry flour, organic and $$$. It was the only pastry flour I could find at County Market last trip to Springfield and GFS, where I buy my bread flour does NOT carry pastry flour--but could order it for me.
We do like the texture of the scones with the flour mix, but at $6+ for 5 lbs and the cost of gas for trips to Springfield..I sure will ration that pastry flour.
I will clean out my sewing space and do some sewing, and I will work on some paperwork that needs put into better order, shred some through the paper shredder and try to not go screaming insane.
Today there is a meeting with our corp. management at the High School and I did a cheat sheet for some thing..so will eventually shower and go play, gets me a $25 Wal-Mart card just for going and I will learn some about projections for this coming year, and so forth.
I did look on line, with Ben's help for Wii games, and have debated getting a Wii but when informed by my very educated (about game systems, anyway) that Wii will NOT play DVD's I totally lost interest.
We know, honestly, I just am NOT into game playing, I like watching Ben play some games but I don't play them, won't really start playing them and so will instead wait for the next generation IPAD to come out, which will happen in April.
I would use an e-reader, but I want 1 that does more---and then would get give the net book to someone...got a short list for that too. I would use an e-reader, do have some e-books downloaded and read them on the laptop but want more portability..and want the bigger screen, the new Kindle with big screen is great for b/w reading but does NO color, there goes colored graphs for knitting and what good is wi-fi if the only thing I can really do with it is download books??? I can do that at home.
I want a card slot, both for the camara card and for holding books I want to keep. I can create a safe place and label little cards...so that's on the waiting list...
And my Fossil watch that Ben gave me does not keep time accurately, so guess it needs a new battery and that means a trip to someplace that can do that...research on line at fossil website...
Oh, well, guess I better get more coffee and save Ben from those scones....

Anniversary date

A year ago I got to meet Tamara, my son Ben's new girl friend, and Ben and I went to Rushville to pick her up and then on to Springfield to play on my day off. We didn't make it home that night, because a man named Mark Young had a fight with his wife about his adultery. And then he headed to his 3rd shift job. I am sure he often made that drive from his home in Petersburg IL to Springfield IL where he worked and I have no doubt he knew the road and the normal traffic conditions on those drives.
But he had been involved in what probably was a bitter fight with a wife of many years and his mind was not on his driving, he chose to pass when the conditions were bad, he chose to not try to minimize the impact of the car in the on-coming lane, or he just didn't notice, or care or --well, he's been dead a year now, we won't get a lot more answers than we have now.
And I am finally released from my surgeon who, with his great staff, put a lot of time and work into helping me have as much recovery as I have had in the past year. So, now State Farm can start getting things done for that accident settlement and all those medical bills paid and off my back.
And I won't be out on the roads tonight, or go to Springfield, I was there yesterday and yesterday I also spent some time with the pal Carl, who while I was sitting on the floor with shoes and socks off, so he could see the difference in my feet now, was told there is a very noticeable difference in the length of my legs from that position, ya, I know, at least 1/2 inch. He thinks more. I think I walk funny/different and will live with what can't be changed.
He is 1 of the few people who really 'get' what I am saying when I say this has changed me profoundly, he had that huge life changing event at 26 when he suddenly became a widowed father of a small boy due to a bacterial infection that couldn't be detected in his young wife until it was too late to save her life.
So, ya, those changes that we can't put into words or explain, he's been there and does understand and does know, as I do, that I will be a while figuring out how and what all 'inside' has changed.
There are some pains/hurts that never go away, you just learn to live with them. That's something he said yesterday..his son is grown with children of his own, but that girl and all she meant, the gaping hole her passing left, after over 34+ years, it is still a loss that hurts.
And it's ok if I have some emotional pain and hurt that doesn't go away, that I find ways to live with and go on, it's what we do.
But today, I am alive, I am back to work and off work today, my normal schedule, and there's a paycheck in the bank , some errands here in town to run, some bills to get paid, it's still cold out but the most of the streets are bare now, the roads are good, we still have snow covering the ground but it is winter.
And tomorrow we work, which means I will see Carl at work, trips to the coffee maker in the boiler room, the razing of the crew about our personal relationship, which is our business and not theirs...and my talk will be about the doctor appointment and the dog, and that Jake's leave won't be until mid-Feb. Silly nosy guys in red bump caps, they don't need to know what is or isn't going on in my personal life, or Carl's but they will still bug us...

Getting ready for Tax time..

It looks like my best tax return is by filing an itemized/long form so that means waiting for the bank to send me the statement on my mortgage interest. But I did file a small hill of paperwork that needed filed and started getting my tax stuff ready and will enter what I can into my tax program.
And part of that filing was bank statements for the past year, ya, I am way behind--so that meant coming across the bank statement from Feb. and March and seeing again how much I spent when out west. Ouch, I sure went through a huge amount of my disability income in a few short days...it's done, it's over. And I learned something I needed to know...and am moving on.
It's snowing and Kid and I went out to clean the snow from the porch and sidewalk, we will do my truck later, it's still snowing, very fine stuff that takes a long time to amount to much but it's been snowing since before I got off work last night.
Kid got worries about noises he was hearing outside early this morning and had to go check, someone with a pickup and blade was clearing the parking lot at the news paper office. Idiot dog bolted across the street, checked out what was going on, sniff, sniff, and then bolted back--he doesn't even look for cars..he just does not understand that he could very easily be squished Dog under car tires fast...I so need a fenced yard, and might get in touch with the guy at work that has the electric fence ad up on the board and see if it's still available...
Have my vacation coming, and didn't find out when Jake's leave is scheduled in time to get my vacation changed so will be off and do a few things here and clean house, read, knit and so forth. I hope to see the power cord for Jake's laptop come soon. It seems to be somewhere between the seller and here but I can't see it moving since getting to an inspection/mailing place in China...
am hoping it just has not been updated and that it's really not spending a week or 2 in a inspection/sorting location. Seller gave me a 10-14 day ship time...but it will get here when it gets here.
Well, got to go play with the tax program...fun, fun...hey I actually like most of that accounting stuff....

Cold winter, hard work shifts

It's winter in central IL and cold, even the sunshine is cold, but it could be worse. It was a busy day with a lot of walking from the back dock to the gate and back. Escorting a 'mud buggy' hauling concrete from a truck packed at the end of our ramp to the halls. I have no idea where the concrete was going but it sure was not our normal weekend 'patch work' going on. And maint had me running when I wasn't escorting the contractor and his mud buggy.
Heat is turned up to 72, I turn it down to 69 at night or when I'm gone, still feels cool and I have yet to give up my work sweater. Kid is being an attention demanding brat this afternoon. He spent most of the night getting sick and tossing his cookies so neither of us slept well. Now he is bored and wants me to sit on the futon so he can try to crawl onto my lap.
My doll sweater knitting is going very slow, I haven't worked on it for several days but do have the ribbing done on my purple sweater and have started the body pattern. Jake has 2 socks going now, starting the heel increases on 1 and the other has a good start. My socks are just past the toes but will be a long time in getting done, they aren't high on my priority list right now.
I hope Cargill has our W-2 available early on line, I had my taxes filed by 1/14/2010 last year. That turned out to be a very good thing as I needed that tax refund to live on after the accident until State Farm agreed to pay my lost wages while I was off work.
This year my income is less than 1/2 of what I earned last year, but I was off work 8 months and 17 days. It's been a very long, hard year for me. I know the next few years will be financially tight but I hope to see debts paid down and some paid off, the house get the needed work done as I can afford it and to make some progress with some of my landscaping projects here.
I think of some of the dreams that died this past year, and of the days and weeks hurting and not knowing if I would be able to return to work.
I'm a harder, tougher, stronger person now, I am not as patient or as kind, or giving as I was. But I don't feel some of that is negative changes, I have a lot of personal responsibility on my shoulders, there is no one helping me with my financial responsibilities or repairing my house.
So, being harder and tougher will keep me earning the living and and getting done what needs done here. And it will keep me from letting anyone take advantage of me, use me, scam me and that is important.

And on the first day of the new year

I got up early for a woman who didn't go to sleep until after 2 am, and got the dishes done, corn bread made, stirred the soup in the slow cooker, it went in after I got in from work.
Otto, my good neighbor and friend came to have lunch with me and talk, we don't see each other often now that it's cold and I am working. I won't go over there if I am not feeling well, he's older and living alone, doesn't need to get sick So, it was good that I am over my cold and weather today is cold but sunny. Kid was glad to see Otto, he goes there to visit often, and chase the cats.
I'm making good progress on the doll sweater I have going, very fine lace weight alpaca yarn on 1.5 mm needles means it takes 16-18 rows to make an inch. I am so glad it does not take many inches to have the body of the sweater long enough to divide for fronts and back and made the under arm.
I love the colors of the yarn and it's by the same company that makes the yarn I used for my blue gansey so maybe they do this or similar dye in their sock yarn. I could see me wearing a work sweater from these colors.
Otto is 1 of the people I can talk openly with about the pain I have and about the emotional pain and mess this accident has made of my life, and might always make of my life. The guy that brings me coffee in Viagra cups also understands some of how this has changed me and my life.
But today is a good day, foot might not be cheering happy but I am walking without the cane, didn't even need it at the start of my day.
The book I am waiting for didn't come, the power cord for Jake's laptop is in shipping, so that means I can make goodies to pack in a Jake box and take into work tomorrow, I start at 5 am so will be starting the coffee there. If the book came I would be nose buried in the book, if the power cord was here I would be dealing with Jake's computer and hoping that it will operate and be usable.
No book, but have dvds yet to watch, knitting to play with, sweater started for me in purple, socks in blue for me, socks in left over blue gansey yarn for Jake and this green/teal/gold/brown I am knitting the doll sweater out of.
Kid has a huge bone to enjoy, he earned it by being my devoted companion, my source of laughter, my warmth when I'm cold, puts up with me on my worst days...it's a dog's job but he does it well.