Being sad

    I am feeling sad and lonely today, a bit lost and without direction. . . But I know it not going to last long, my plants outside are growing and I took my first cutting from the kiwi vines to put in a pot so they can root.   And I did some much needed cleaning and putting stuff away.  

     I have 2 quilt tops made, 2 quilt top kits to them into quilts and plenty of fabric and even batting. . And yes, plans for tomorrow are to set up backing and lay out and layer and pin at least 1 quilt together.  I will machine quilt them here.  I have neglected the upstairs and studio area for about a year now, it’s time to take that space back under control and be creative, I need to do more than knit socks.

  I wish there was a way to rebuild a relationship with my only daughter but I know that reaching out to her might be similar to sticking my hand into a basket with an angry cobra. . . I know she told me to get out of her life and to stay out of her life, and for what, 18 years, I have done that, kept out of her life, kept her in my thoughts, my prayers and have stayed out of her world/life. . . Always wishing het health, to be happy. to be financially ok, and to have a happy life. .. 

  I am working with the plants here, this area is centuries of river deposited fine sand and silt, so growing much that nature didn’t design for this area has been a bit of challenge at times but my winter hardy kiwi vines are doing well. . Ok, the $$ plant bought At an area nursery did not survive our winter well, but all the other kiwi plants/vines have, so I took some cutting and am hoping they will root, 1 will go at the south end of that front bed, along the ‘new’ front porch and I am not sure yet where I will be putting the others IF they survive and grow roots.  .

   Thinking back and time. . It’s been years since anyone has lived here with me, or even spent the night, no one has slept over until recently when #2 son and his partner stayed. . And I learned that I. Don’t cope well at all with other people here 24 hours a day. . .my failure more than theirs. . . At times I feel” like I have failed life, parenting and a long list of . . . .

   But there’s that idiot dog who loves me, the cats that are comfortable here and that I do keep their litter boxes cleaned, and food in the bowls and all the 4 footed housemates manage to share the same water bowls. . And the house plants have survived the winter, some will go back outside once it’s warm enough, I am not winning the battle with the weeds outside it I do keep fighting that war.  

     I have been retired for over 6 months now. . And am still adjusting, I miss the $$, the routine and balance that working has given me, the patterns and now I have all that time to figure out what I need to do, what I should be doing and how to make sure I live with far less $$$ to do that living with.

But it’s past my bedtime and that rescue insane dog already has most of the bed. . . .I will be ok, and I am making slow progress on upstairs cleaning, the weed pulling, the debt reduction and life.

   

     

Working on me

   I’m working on me, trying to work on old house projects, on getting my finances in better order, and in setting some solid goals to reach for.   Life here is doing ok, and I am managing ok, but there’s times I want that man who went back to Mexico and his life there back here, in my life, in my world and yes, back in my bed.

     Funny, a house built without a solid foundation never stays solid, never holds up long term, and that’s what our 5 years together was, a house with no foundation. And that’s what we really had.  So, I will keep working on this old house and on my own foundation and accept my flaws and work on building my strengths and work on liking who I really am.

     The hand is healing, and it seems that I have won the war against the pathological infections, so that’s so positive and I am going to keep working on the little finger and hope for more improvements but I know it’s going to take time and it’s going to be slower than I like.

    But in the meantime I have some fun dolls to sew for, great fabrics and I have ideas and fun making doll clothes and probably more doll debt than I should have.

Damn! Didn't think out and plan for bitter cold weather!

 So, now I am seeing the flaws in my. totally electric room by room electric heating.  I obviously was heating under the house far more with that forced air furnace and all it's under the house ducting than I realized.  And this is the coldest winter we have had in years so ya, good way to see all my flaws in my heating system.  But I will deal with it, and work on it and learn and improve, but it's going to be a very cold week here.  Even my attic studio is cold!

     And I am still having weight problems, but am finally off the antibiotics, so hopefully I am well past that septic 3 pathogens problems.  The right little finger will never recover completely or be 'normal' again, but it will continue to gain some for a while.  And I am not being very abused at work, it seems that all of management appreciate my willing to work and do as much as I can, and not complain and I seem able to work well with most people.  

      American Girl seems to be the dolls of choice for my current doll sewing projects, last winter I did a lot of quilt top piecing and I might still do some of that this winter but am working on doll wardrobes, 1 is for that Marie-Grace that belongs to my daughter Stormy, I am finally finishing up the last items for her wardrobe, I did get those books and enjoyed them and so now I am doing the nightgown and will make her 'wrapper' which is a tied housecoat thing, .  it wraps and ties, so ya, housecoat, dressing gown, robe, and at that time and place, a 'wrapper' for a young girl in a family of modest income...  the nightgown only needs handwork to finish and I have finally made a decision on the fabric and pattern for the wrapper.  I will tweak/alter the pattern from the 1840's girl's work dress for that item as I haven't found a pattern and can make this 1 work.  The next wardrobe and doll is for my daughter in law's niece Stevie, she's getting a red haired doll, I replaced the original wig and she's a farm girl who loves pink so her doll will get clothes for that farm life and some of that pretty pink stuff too.  I have several of my older American Girl dolls that I plan to make some clothing for, I have never sewn for Josefina, despite having her and her patterns since she was released.  And I have my own Molly version, she's probably a re-wigged Kirsten with a brown wig, as these are her blue eyes and the right era doll production.  I did make Addy clothing years ago but never sewed for Josefina or Julie and now have several more dolls to sew for so plan to work on wardrobes for each.  And I spent a lot more than I should have at the American Girl winter sale so have a lot of seperates and yes did buy multiple of some so can put the same sweater/top in wardrobes and then make or come up with skirts and/or pants to go with them.  And estate sale flannel has become nightgowns, 4 of the same and 1 of just the pink with big dots for Stevie's box. And that used up almost all that flannel.  I am putting a lot of donated and estate sales fabrics into the doll sewing and making good use of those purchases.  

     And I am involved in a 'treasure hunt' here. . .it seems that while stealing my new Timex watch the cat or cats managed to pull off the back and that part and some of the watch 'guts' are missing.  I expect to have a much cleaner house as I seem to be cleaning as I hunt. . . and I am chasing out dust bunnies and cat hair, dust and what not while I hunt every crevice and under everything.  Darn cat!

     Life is very good here, yes, I have spent way too much $$ on things I didn't need but it is my earnings and my life and my responsibilities.  My electric bill will be very high this coming bill, but I will manage and am not going to regret ending the natural gas furnace.  Some work and investment in insulating under the house, especially the underside of the floors will help a lot.  

     We are currently working over 8 hours and 6 day weeks, but this winter storms and cold has slowed this week down, some was the wet slop making it hard or unsafe for trucks to get in and out of farms to haul pigs to the plant and now it's this very cold spell.  We worked short Friday and were less than 6 hours today.  And as I am back on the production floor, I am working the full shift, in different jobs that have me doing quality control work, but. no knife handling or other work that's damaging to my already damaged hands.  

   The cats are looking for warm spots, they think it's cold tonight too. 

Time Passes Too fast

      And I don''t find time to blog, or check posts at Modern Vespa but today I  really need to write/verbalize my thoughts and what's going on in my life.

     Work has given me carpal tunnel in both hands, I will have surgery, it did get postponed once already.  My prognosis is minimum-moderate recovery, oh, that's months ago and yes, work has made the problems worse.  And I get to add in a work injury that got me a permanently damaged right little finger, 9 stitches, 3 pathogens and a fungal infection, and yes, all that stitches and bugs was the local emergency room.

     I did't ride much this summer because of the hand problems and this fall I didn't get the bikes in for winter storage or even batteries out.  Blame the hands, the work accident, the 4 days/3 nights in the hospital fighting the infection problems.  But it adds to me feeling like I have failed once again.

     But I am now back on 2nd shift, life patterns work far better for me when I work 2nd shift,  I have a very good team of doctors, so the infections are almost cleared up and I know I have a top surgeon for my carpal tunnel surgeries and they will now be done in Springfield Clinic outpatient where I will not be in any risk of getting any infections or pathogens to go with the carpal tunnel repairs.

     I spent too much $$ on dolls and doll stuff, but it's my $$ and my life and I am sewing dolls clothes and being ok with my rather solitary, single life.

     I did't think about the floors and how much heat those darn vent tubes gave off, but am now room by room electric heat, and no more gas.  And I will insulate those floor, but this winter My feet will not be very happy downstairs.  I am making progress on some things, it's not a perfect life but it's a work in progress, and that's all we get, trying to do right, trying to do better and trying to make life work.

     And I did a crazy thing that might be a waste of $60 or might get me some discounted, probably factory reject American girl dolls from a overseas company that buys pallets of 'imperfect' made for American brands goods.  So, I might get the dolls and have to do some work to fix/repair/or buy wigs, storage boxes, or I might ge scammed.  But I did call my credit card company and they are replacing the card.  And I have over 30 days to file a claim if my 'goods' don't show up.

     And I am now finally getting to where I actually use my $$ MacBook Air,  I finally decided my huge problems with it were the blasted trackpad and I just needed to get a mouse.  After spending all the $ on it and it sitting for the past year, or longer, ya, I just needed to get a silly mouse.

     We are having a mild winter so far this year, and I hope it stays that way.

Interesting possibilities on the horizon

      I’m very comfortable with my solo life, and it’s been years since I have dated or even wanted to, but there’s that guy who’s now in maintenance, he was in our quality control department ages ago, and left.  But he’s back, has been for a while and I’m no longer just a familiar face, there’s that smile we both seem to have when we notice each other, it’s a fun flirty thing, we are well past teenagers in school but ya, there’s some of that vibe going on.

     No, neither of us know where we are going with this attraction, and with our crazy working hours, our shifts overlap, I start before he does, maintenance works 12 hour shifts now and often 7 days a week, my life has 10 hour working days but rarely a Saturday or Sunday.   We do both live in the same small town and even on the same side of the railroad tracks, he has a dog, I have too many cats.  I don’t know if we have any common ground, interests, or anything at all besides that little spark…

     But we will just have to see what happens, I think we have both been through some rough, hard times, both of us are not moving very fast, but ya, I think there’s a possibility of romance and maybe even some intimacy, but not just yet…

Darn contagious respiratory crap!

     Being sick was NOT on my schedule, or budget but I've come down with some respiratory crap and yes, have been to the doctor, and yes, I did pick up the prescription, and yes I will be wearing face masks at work the rest of this week to reduce sharing it.

     So, I am working on Ben's socks, did start setting up the yarn for the next pair of socks, but still have to wind it into 2 balls.  And I am hiding up in my studio because the kitchen feels cold and I am already miserable.  And chilling easily, while running a temp.  But I did see the doctor, and I did forget to pay my co-pay so will go back tomorrow before going to work and get that paid.

     And watching YouTube and some of the people I follow, touring chatou in France.  Way too grand for me to live in but fun to watch.  And will be going to bed early.

Neighbors and life choices

      I do like my neighbors, I don’t know most of them very well, and I only visit with the retired couple across my south street side.  And today I baked bread, I do that almost every weekend as I don’t buy bread.  And so I called and asked if they would like a loaf, and took it over and chatted a bit.

     But i don’t know if I can do much more of that, she’s so bitter, angry and looking to blame so many ‘others’ who don’t ‘belong’ here.  And she’s also lost a grandson, adult due to drug overdose.  And of course she’s blaming all the ‘illegals’ who come across our southern border, dressed in the most expensive clothes and bringing all those drugs.  And the crime and high prices are partly due to all those Africans who should go back where they belong. . . .

      But it’s actually US legal citizens who are bringing those drugs in, and it’s a damn shame so many people Choose to use those drugs, and who choose to drink.  And those people who she’s complaining about what they buy at our local stores, they are MY coworkers and we have been running anywhere from 44-60 hour weeks for about 2 years now. The overtime pay is nice but we all could get by without so much of it and have more quality family time.  

     Yes, they are, or many are driving good vehicles, and they are paying for them too, many have been here and legal for many years, people who had babies now have college graduates, honor roll seniors, kids looking at buying their first homes.  My little kids are also adults too, time has flown by.  

     I get it that their fixed income doesn’t go as far as they would like, and I do understand that his stroke, soon after retirement has not been easy for either of them, but it’s not any of our immigrant families here that are at fault, they worked darn hard for the $ that is buying those groceries and that meat in those shopping carts at our local Walmart. 

     And the border is Not open, those Africans worked hard and paid filing fees and more fees and worked for years to come here, and most work darn hard in that same meat packing plant where I work.  And the Hispanic people have worked hard for what they have, from cars to homes to clothing to kids going on to College. And the Burmese are here now and are great workers, clean, tidy and polite. 

    I also have a good car, and a couple Vespa bikes, but I don’t have any $ television subscription service, no reason to pay for something I don’t want or need. I also make a good living at that plant, and because I overpaid my taxes, and I deliberately do that, I had a very healthy refund from both the federal and the state revenue services. 

     I wish she wasn’t so angry, so bitter and I also wish she didn’t listen to so much trash from Fox News and similar sources, but I can’t change her mind and I can’t make her life happy, rich or bring back that dead grandson, an adult who did work at our plant years ago, I actually was training him on a job when he quit, I don’t think he worked a full month at or plant, or at many of the jobs he’s has had over the past 15+ years, so, thinking and adding, he was not a young kid but a man in his mid 30’s to early 40’s. A man who had a long history of making what I saw as poor choices.  

     I don’t want to ever get that bitter, that jealous of  others, that angry at life and at people I don’t know.  My life isn’t perfect but I will say I am happier now that I am back on 2nd shift. My life just has better balance, and I have quality time playing with yarns and fabric and making things. I like being a maker of things like quilts and socks and doll clothes.