Catching up

      Well, I don't seem  to  be doing well trying to use my Nexus and the fancy case with keyboard.  but I finally figured out the app, and know where the blog post goes. 
      All our rains are really helping things grow and stay green this year.  Including all the weeds, both at Clayville and here.  I put some time in there yesterday and today I will get the mowing finished and work on all the grass in the front flower beds.
     I came home to a quiet house yesterday and managed to find enough charcoal to use the new Kamado grill I bought Thursday.  I started looking at grills in January, when I knew I could finally get the patio pour done.  Now I need to get the landing planned out, materials bought and work on replacing the kitchen door. 
     My bag of lump charcoal never got out of Jake's jeep so was gone.  But I had some briquets sitting in a bag, that had been in the way but never tossed into the trash here and so used them.  The potatoes were good, I split them and put in butter and chives before wrapping them in foil, the pork loin chops got a bit over done but that is better than not cooked.  It will take some time to learn how to use this new grill but I am going to enjoy having it.
     And a quiet house allowed me to finally finish the bobbin lace bookmark I had started.  Then I made the pricking/pattern for the next one I want to work with.  Each of them helps me learn the skills for bobbin lace, step at a time.
I need to do some sewing, caps and bonnet for Clayville.org and some sewing cases, needle books and a 2nd case for lace bobbins as I now have 2 sizes and too many for the case I made.
     I had 3 weeks up at the head line, the last 2 spent on the job I bid for but I was not able to qualify so will be going back to the dressing line and the pigs to shave and pull toe nails.  I liked the job but it is much harder on my hands than what I was doing, but not as physically tiring.  It will be 6 months before I can bid again, but I don't own any jobs on the dressing line so they can move me about and train me on other jobs.  The crew missed me, as did the bosses so they will all be glad to see me back and a few will miss me where I was the past few weeks.
     It made me feel like I had failed and my Saturday started blue but I sorted out the head problem.  The Rebel got the needed oil change and we went off to Clayville for a while, on to Springfield for cheaper gas, a stop at Lowes for some grill things, did not find the cover for my grill or the smoking stone thing.  A stop at a beautiful Queen Anne Victorian I have admired for years, they have a train shop in the basement and it was open, and very slow day so I got to chat and visit with the man tending shop, the gardens are as beautiful as the house and next Sunday they plan to run the outside trains, weather permitting. 
     I have plans to be at Clayville for our 3 day weekend so if the weather allows, I should be able to run up there for a couple hours Sunday afternoon, it is only a few miles and with the Rebel, it is easy on gas and doesn't take much effort to find a place to park.
     I think Sam is still living down in the cardiac ICU family waiting room, Cynthia has more brain damage, her liver and kidneys are not working well, I have not heard how much damage the lack of oxygen has caused to fingers and feet, but loss of digits was expected.  And the debate still goes on about taking her remains, after she dies, back to the Philippines for burial, with Sam, when upset, calling Jake and having him upset.
     I do understand how very hard this is on Sam, his wife is dying by inches, there is nothing he can do to make her better, the stroke this winter, the staph infection on her artificial heart valve, the whole list of medical stuff, it is done, it cannot be reversed and it is not his fault, it is NOT my fault, and she is only 50, and their son is 14.  And it is Jake's dad and they are close.  I am not jealous, Sam has gone far to make this marriage work,  he did not with ours and he would not compromise, it was his way or I could get out.  I worked hard to make it work his way, to be happy with his way but I could not even have my own political or religious views or different opinion on anything. 
     Ok, so we know I had them, and tucked them away, and more and more of the person I really am was tucked away and hidden, locked down so it would not be verbally and emotionally beat down.  And I supported his way of life and his choices, even when I had doubts.  I showed no backbone and chose to be his door mat.   So, when he needed a strong partner to lean on, he had not confidence in me, and no belief in my abilities to make good choices, and he moved us to Missouri, making that choice for all of us and hated it there and blamed me every day for his choice to me miserable.
     I got over feeling like I failed, and I worked hard, with plenty of mistakes, on rebuilding my belief in my self and in liking my life.  And I wanted his remarriage to work well and to be happy for both of them.  In part, so I could feel I was free of the prison I let him build around me.  So, his 2nd marriage financially broke the ranching operation, had them moving to her home country, that project failed, she came back and then Jake lent his father $ so Sam and James could fly back to the states. 
     So, now she is unable to work, Sam is 68 and they share a home with her other son, his woman and their child and after Cynthia dies, Sam has no idea if he and James still have a place to live, her son is part of the push to bury his mother in her home country but he is not going to help foot that bill. 
     And I think my life is a mess because I could not qualify on a job that would probably have me with far more damage to my hands, far more pain and what was I thinking?  I will go play with the pigs, enjoy the pals that are very glad to have me back, torment the supervisor, I think he should reward/bribe/console me with coupons for free Blizzard's at Dairy Queen.  And I make him laugh, he does appreciate me, which the supervisor over trimming snouts does not.  I am too old, the wrong color, and so forth.  Which is fine with me, really, I had no problems with the supervisor but he didn't value me, and I was not able to do my share and then some, which he needed.  I might have in time, but he did not have to give me another week or 2, which he could have, if he wanted to keep me in his department. 
      There is plenty of flex for supervisors to keep someone they want, regardless of job skills, after over 11 years there, most of it in production, I know how the game is played, and I am ok with going back to the other end, start a bit earlier, laugh more, and like life as well or better. 
     And I did not trade my big tv that I won for the new grill, so it is still in the closet.  Menard's put the grill I wanted on sale, and I have waited a month for the man at work to buy my grill choice and trade it for the tv, a very good deal for him but he didn't get it done and once grills sell out, very few will be available and I wanted the Akorn Kamado grill, and the model with the inner upper rack.  So, yes, I added to my credit debt, and went to town with Jake, Ben and the girlfriend, was up way too late, had too much caffeine, made my digestive system unhappy and still have no working kitchen door or step down to that patio. 
     But my scooter has the new air filter, an oil change and is back to being my ride to work, the Rebel has an oil change and still lifts my spirits and helps blow away my blues, the old house is still my favorite place to live, the attic is still my dream in progress but working well for me and this life is so good, rough spots included.
     I feel sympathy for Sam and his dying wife but know it is not my doing, not choices I forced on them, and not my job to try and fix.  I did get Jake the paperwork for getting a passport, but it will be up to Jake to get that photo taken and go to some place for the next step.  And he can do it in Rushville or Virginia so it is not like he has to go far, and he can pay $60 extra to have it expedited, but that is his choice.  Jake is not wanting to spend his money to go with his dad to bury a woman that boy still hates.  But he is better about it than Ben, who has yet to forgive his dad for letting that woman shove him out of that house, and for letting that woman abuse him. 
     And I quit having issues with her when my sons were out of her reach, and once I moved to Illinois, life for me got a lot better in many ways.  I missed being with the boys, but was back in MO most weekends for several years, and they grew up, with Ben moving to IL and Jake graduating and then joining the Marines.  Now, I have both those boys in this house and pray for quiet and Ben to go back up to Rushville and Jake to go see the girlfriend, go to work, sleep late and leave the tv and computer game shut off.
    So, the dog is quiet this morning, Jake and the girlfriend are still sleeping and I am going to start working on that grass in the flower beds as the lawn is still too damp to mow.     

June and the growing list of things needing done

No matter what I get done, that 'to do' list seems to grow faster than I can mark things as done.

I still need a lot of drywall up in the attic area.  And the lawn needs mowed again, but that is paid for. I have yet to draw up the building plans for the landing, cannot price materials until I draw up the plans.

Laundry always needs done, sewing projects have mad no progress in the past few days and I have not knit a stitch on anything.

The kitchen table is a disaster area but I did wash what dishes were left, Jake had done part before I got home, and he took the girlfriend back to her home and left her there, for a change.

The scooter needs a new air filter but the old one is out and tomorrow I will go get a new one.  And the friend that is doing my mowing will also help build that needed landing, once I get the materials.

I don't think I will manage to trade that 55 inch LED flat screen I won for the grill I would rather have, rats, but at least I gave it a shot.

And at work I got hit, again, by another falling pig.  And I am starting to really hate dead pigs, but I did win a bid to the other end of the kill floor, trimming snouts where I have no chance of being hit by falling pigs but some chance of being hit by fork trucks.

I am having problems getting Jake to accept that I absolutely object to housing other adults.  I will house those I gave birth to, for limited amounts of time, for specific reasons, his being education.

As I was working and helping pay my own way, and pay for the roof over my head since the summer I turned 17, and have worked minimum wage jobs, crappy, lousy jobs, hard, dirty jobs, and even 2 jobs so I could pay the bills, keep a roof over my head, and the heads of others, yes, I do think other people can live with their parents or get their own place, not stay at my house.  

Call me mean, or selfish or say I just do not understand. Yes, I do understand, you want her here, tough world, you can move out and get your own place, she can get a job and her own place and you can move in, but I have reached the limit of being willing to tolerate another adult living under my roof, at my cost, and yes, it is at my cost, even if you are buying the food you 2 eat, paying me a small amount of rent and you both help with house work.

The world is a hard, tough place, and it does not look like it will get any easier, the sooner a person learns to carry their own weight and be self responsible, the better their life will be.  That does include providing their own housing, not camping out at my house, sharing my son's bed.  I could care less about their sex life, that is their business, it is all the occupying my house stuff I object to.  I want MY turf back, and I want people to understand No one has any business pushing their choice of companions into my life, and having them here at MY house most of the time.

Go Home, get a job, fight with your parents, run away and join the French Foreign Legion, do what works for you AS long as it is not be staying at my house.

This is not a free hang out for young women, or young men, or stray dogs, cats, you name it. I do not want to provide a roof, or anything else for anyone else.  I am having enough challenges trying to take care of my own life and my own responsibilities, do not add to them, and staying in my home does add to the cost here, my stress levels, my sour attitude, and in general ticks me off.

Almost the end of the month and my vacation

And my 'to do' list has had several items crossed off, several things added but it has been a good week off with very important progress made, both inside and out.

I like the new patio and now can look at building that landing so in time we can step out the kitchen door onto a 4 foot deep landing, then probably 1step down and then step onto the patio.  The paver patio on the south will need another row of blocks but I can do those a few at a time.

Finances are snug, debt load grew with the much needed truck repairs but it is still a better choice to repair than replace and have payments along with repair bills.

Pal Julie and I spent some time together yesterday afternoon, ran to Jacksonville to eat and brouse, we did very little shopping but I came home with new hand sewing needles, long and very find, 1/2 yard of era appropriate fabric that will go into my needed waist pockets and a new dish for my bug coils as the 1 I had managed to get broken, think the dog might have helped with that, but I want to be able to sit out and enjoy my new, paid for, patio that I had saved so long for and waited so long for.

I am to the ribbing on the tops of both of my period appropriate stockings and had Julie pick a skein out of my stash for socks for her.  I will get it turned into 2 equil balls before going back to work.  And the brace sock that Shadow chewed the toe out is now repaired and in the hamper for washing.

The furnace gets a clean filter today, the watering outside has been done, on line bills paid, and I priced thread for using in bobbin lace on line, not much chance to buy any locally and very little comes with the kit.

I got the bobbin lace kit for $21.50 including shipping and as it prices at $55, that is a good price.  Not the best quality but good enough to start with and I can add a better lace pillow later and more bobbins.  It comes with 24 bobbins, acceptable quality and a usable, needs covered with green or blue fabric pinning board and ok quality lace pins.

The sky is overcast with 30% chance of rain today and 60% for tomorrow.  I can live/work with that.

And I am still not sure what will end up fitting on the patio, it is not big, I have to plan for the space the landing will take and the dog house lives on the northeast corner.  There is the path coming around the north side of the house to consider and the path off the southeast corner to the parking, bikes and so forth to need free of stuff.

I do have my tiny round table and single chair there now and the $25 yard sale find glider, that no longer crowds the bike patio, was in the way of the utility space doors and made snow removal hard.

And I like the glider but think in time it will replace the wooden one that lives on the front porch.

A picnic table is high on my 'think will work' idea list, and I am looking at grills but no funds at this time for one and I am not willing to put it on credit.   Too bad I could not talk anyone at work into trading that 55 inch flat screen that I won for a new, reasonable priced grill.

The June meeting for the doll club is the annual trip down to the Edwards area, am undecided about going as know my funds for play will be tight, so if I go, it has to be a bike trip, and as it is on a Sunday, that limits the shops that are open, so there is a very good chance I will not go.  

I need to take apart the bathroom sink drain to clean it out again, this will make the 2nd time in 6 months for that job, which is double the number of times I have needed to do it in the 9+ years before.

It is small irritations like that adding up that have me hoping for the day Jake moves out.  It is not just Jake's use of that sink that is the problem, it is the living here too girlfriend that helps create the issue. And adds to the clutter, the higher utility bills, which is finally caught up, and the noise levels being a lot higher.  But she is in Jacksonville, working this weekend, Ben is here, and he and Jake game most of the time, so I have NO bandwidth for internet use, and as I pay that bill too, and AT&T Internet sucks and went up $10/month, I am glad the boys are asleep still and Shadow is with them.

Gripe, gripe, whine, whine, complain, but I do know my life is good and I like it.  And I am not going to let any one change it, this is working for me, I am gaining slowly on my debt load, the old house and tiny yard is gaining in needed work/repairs/cleaning and I will cope, tolerate, handle all that needs done or survived or fixed.

Vacation week and rambling

I had a great weekend, Saturday was cool at Clayville but I enjoyed the day there, Sunday was warmer, I gladly folded up my shawl and enjoyed not wearing it all day but didn't find my layers too warm unless I sat in the sun long.

I learned walking fast had my drawers wanting to wind around my legs, think my long wool socks helped this along so I either learn to walk slower or find a cure for the winding drawers.  And I sure wished I had already made my caps and bonnet, the purchased bonnet was just not a good fit and the fabric way too modern for an old woman in 1824.

Broadwell's Inn and stage coach stop/team change opened that year, so it is the time frame I picked for my period wear, the start of our new settlement, the early years of getting it open, trying to get garden plots and planting fields cleared and planted, getting a workable routine established so our days had flow and all needed tasks got done.

And today a friend who does mowing will come get my mowing done, I really need to replace my mower as I am happier when I have done the job myself, when I want/need it done and how I want it done.  Yes, world, I am very territorial about my little bit of sand here.

Sayer Designer Concrete will also be here, our vehicles are out of the way, the rebar and wire mesh go in and the concrete finally gets poured.  I will mention that last night the Weather Channel had us at 0%  for chance of moisture for Monday-Wedensday and early this morning it had changed to 30% for today.

Last week we had rain, and some more rain and every day, a bit of rain in this area.  Our river is not at flood stage but we are not short on moisture at this moment.

Ok, back, took a quick break to take Shadow out and get myself into clothes for the day, before the concractor's truck is here.  

I did some on line pricing for the drywall I am buying and forcing sons to help me get up in the attic, and i do mean, up, not just from the ground floor to the attic, but installed where it goes.  6 sheets is my goal for this week and Ben has agreed to help, Jake and his gal pal seem to live here and be between school sessions so they have no choice, if they want to continue staying under this roof.

My vacation plans are for work here, and this does include Jake's sewing project and cleaning up my attic space so I have order of some sort again, getting the mountain of clean work t-shirts folded and put away, jeans folded and put away, plants moved and the north end of the city parking strip filled in, leveled and some grass seed tossed in.

This weekend I learned that without strong control, I would become 1of those dreaded 'period correct attire police'.  Fortunately, I am well aware that while I will research, and sew for myself for Clayville, I have no right to impose on any others.  And financially, Pleasant Plains Historical Society needs all the venders, volunteers, friends, playmates, we can get, and what they contribute, do and are willing to give, both in time and donations is very important.  A 'period correct police' attitude would be like drilling holes in the bottom of the boat while we are a long way from shore.

But all the research I am doing is fun, I am learning so much, and what I am doing as a member does matter and is already making my life richer. I am a happy minion, and I want to stay a minion and stay happy, and continue to be the one who walks the drainage tubes to clean up human trash and plant growth needing cut back. The 1who tends the gardens, both during events and during those long weeks with no events so weeds have no chance to run wild.

I will keep working on my own wardrobe, maybe sew a bit for some others and be glad we have this group and this historic site for our 'play'.

I will need to post some photos here from our event, and get busy with my day.

Mother's Day

And my youngest sons are here, Jake's jeep is down with electrical problems and died at Auto Zone so he will have to get it towed to the shop down the street and wait for Bruce to get time to fid the problem.  Good thing his girlfriend has wheels and it is bike season so Mom can lend out her truck (again).

I want the first 2 corner posts set for the chain link fence, have the materials and a borrowed fence post digger, first hole was 22 inches deep when I quit last night, I want it 32" but that might be a huge battle with tree roots. The north corner posts both will be battles with tree roots but on the other side, the sand makes for very easy digging.

And it would have been nice to have the patio pour done and the patio usable, the glider on it and the bags of mulch off the glider and spread out, but it will happen, and I will get some more plants moved and some sand moved and the work on the retaining wall finished up.  Just not all this weekend.  But I have a week of paid vacation time in a week so will get old house stuff done here.

Shadow is going through another spell of obnoxious dog attitude, Kid did not have this problem so it makes a challenge and he is challenging the pecking order here.  But he will not be on the top of that pecking order, it is my home and I am top dog/human/boss here, and have that established with my human sons, I will have it established with the dog child too.

Period sewing is making progress but I need to take the hem out of 1pair of drawers and lengthen them a bit, they have a wide hem so it is a simple task, just some time and needle work.  The inner, privacy petticoat has the waistband done and now it is tack down the French seams and do the hem, it is already pinned up.

And I now have a full face helmet again so plan to put the gray helmet up for sale, it is the loosest of my helmets, too loose on my small head for comfort and does not give me as much eye and face protection as I like.  I was not planning to buy a full face helmet yesterday but it fits me correct and was on sale for under $50, and that worked far better than waiting, ordering, paying a lot more and then maybe having to send it back because it did not fit.

No one is quite sure how it works, layers of proper wear for pre-1830 and the Rebel for transportation but I am sure I can manage the shift from time zones, that 'pony' will get me there and home cheap, and I can keep my layers there, or most of them. But I want to sew my "Bernadette's Closet" label in them and have a fabric(so it breaths) clothes bag to store them in.  I am sewing to fit me, and I really do not want other people wearing my clothing, but I will sew for others in our Historical Society.

Well, my scones are eaten and I wants to get busy with my outside projects before the day gets hot off to play labor.

Well, no jobs to bid on again this week

So I will keep hoping I survive the one I am doing and be glad I have a job and a stable paycheck.  

And we are getting rains but not the flooding or tornadoes that other parts of the country are getting.  I moved some plants Sunday so the rain is helping them settle in. Part of the pampas grass has put up new shoots, part looks very dead.  It was a hard winter here.

And tonight I am knitting and reading but soon will gather up my sewing and work on the hem of that petticoat unless I decide cutting out and doing some of the machine work on the skirt suits my mood.  It will take machine work, hand work, machine work and then a lot more hand work.  Sounds stupid but I need to machine sew seams, hand stitch the back opening binding, hand stitch the waist pocket openings on the sides, put in gathering stitches, fit skirt to the waist band, sew on the waist band and then it gets that turned down and hand stitched and a hem.

I did a lot of thinking about my life, the past, poor choices, the direction I need my life to be going, and that sort of stuff while I worked today.  It has been a long and rough road, made longer and rougher by my own poor, stupid, foolish choices.  

I am working hard to make smarter, better thought out choices than I did years ago.  I am also a lot more confident of my own abilities to make good choices, to provide for myself, to earn a living and manage my own finances.

4/30 and now it is 5/2

Boy, that knowing I am capable has sure helped me a lot, and now, many years later I look back, knowing nothing in the past can be changed and know I live now, and move forward.

And the cold spring is a drag, and the patio pour is not yet framed up, part of the pampas grass has not yet sent up any new growth and my finances are a mess.

Shadow chewed the toe out of 1 of my hand knit socks, the ones I knit for wearing under my brace, and a wool/silk blend to boot.  I can fix it but I will stay irritated at that blasted dog for some time. He took it out of the dirty laundry hamper, from behind my back, while it sat here in the kitchen with tea and a book.

Left ribs hurt terribly this week, from pulling toe nails from dead pigs, and no jobs up yet for me to bid to so I hurt and get tough until I come home to whine and feel sorry for myself.

But my Great Basin Wild Rye seed is here and so is my flax seed from England.  The flax goes to Clayville, I hope to get it planted tomorrow.

But I am not going to the doll club meeting Sunday, will do work here at home that needs done and pay my dues instead of buying the gas for a trip to Springfield.  Thought about just dropping out of the doll club for a year or so but I don't want to do that, and finances will improve here.

I am forcing myself to live on my income and to pay all I can on the debt load, and to not buy what I want but to wait until I can afford it, using credit foolishly is a big part of why I have so much of that "consumer debt" and why this house is so far from where it should be after this many years.

My priority list has not been a long term healthy one and I am working on changing that, but it will be a hard road for the next year, and I will do some whining as I go and now and then, probably back slide just a bit.

But it is my life and my future stability, and the house, and that is my roof and my space, so if it matters to me, then I can make the hard choices and keep a tight budget, pay down that blasted debt load, put more time into the landscaping and weeding so I can be proud of my place.  I used to take a lot better care of my flower beds than I have in the past few years.

I am changing that, my place and being here, at my place is high on that list, this is where I like to be, and alone works well for me, I don't miss many people very much, and am not willing to become very emotionally involved with any man, there just is no space for that in my life, my heart, or my brains.

And I can sure live without the sex or the work men seem to take.

Getting ready for Friday and the weekend

Friday starts with usual morning stuff, dog out, dog and birds fed, lunch bag ready and off to McDonalds for breakfast and then to work.  Swing by the post office to mail anything needing to go on the drive to McD's, so that is off the list.

Work and hope no pigs try to land on me, had that happen today, it was not a good day in pig land for me.  So, put in 8 hours or so, then off to the bank and make the house payment, stop by city hall and pay the water/trash/sewer bill and home to take dog out for potty, in for food and get off those work boots and brace.  Check the answering machine, check the email, check Facebook, find something to eat, enjoy the house, tv, maybe, watching "House" on Netflicks, when the internet and time allows, makes for easy entertainment while I do hand work on my sewing projects.

Saturday is spent at Clayville, this weekend I need to start raking the area where we will be planting flax, we are hoping to learn, with internet help, how to not only grow the flax but also gather the seed for next year, rett the flax and then all the prep work to turn it into a spinable and usable fiber, no promises about making any linen, but we will start with seeing if we can get a decent crop of flax for a start.

Sunday will depend on weather and energy levels, I need to start making my petticoats and linen skirt, fabric is waiting, and I have stockings I am knitting that have made NO progress this past week.  I have plants that need moved, retaining wall work to finish and contractor coming next week to do the patio pour.  

And I already need to start cleaning weeds and grass out of the front planting beds.  And out of the south bed along the house, and the roses, and I need the place mowed but no longer have a mower so will make a call and see if a friend is mowing lawns this summer.  

I ended up with poison ivy problems from my planting native day lilies last Saturday so now I am trying to keep it from spreading from my right arm to any where else, the plastic arm guard I wear on that arm at work is not helping at all.

It has just started to rain so Shadow is doing the ditzy dog thing, I have moved a curtain in the living room so he can look out and see that it is just rain, no, I am NOT going to open the door, no, I am not taking you out right now, calm down, it is just rain and we are in a dry house, and it is even a warm dry house.

And that accident settlement paid for the metal roof, the central air, spiral stairs, a lot of the attic materials but this week I have wondered how long will I be able to keep working, how much pain can I tolerate, what if I have a bad fall, what if next time the pig doesn't land at my feet but on top of me.

It would be great if I could work until 65 or 66, but I know I will be doing great things if I make it to 62.  

So, I fret the old house repairs and my stupid credit debt, and work on managing my money better, on not buying on credit, packing my lunch and not spending money in the cafeteria at work.  

I know life here is pretty good, I know I hurt some, ok, lots now and then, but I am managing, and my life is working ok.  The old house is slowly improving, the debt load is shrinking, not very fast, but it is shrinking, not growing.  

Most of the time I am not angry about the car accident, I manage to keep a good balance in my head, most of the time.  But this week a friend asked why I don't look into disability, and that seems to have me on the prod, ready to fight and mad.  Not at the friend, she cares and knows I have hurt a lot this week, helped by that pulled muscle in the left thigh.  But at the changes this car accident has made in my life, in my working ability, and in what I can no longer do.

I know every week I work, every month, makes a positive difference in my financial stability, so it is worth the fight, the hurting and I would hate to be home now.  Maybe when Jake moves out to continue his schooling, then I could enjoy home a bit more.  I love Jake but this house gets very small and I am very territorial, so it is far easier to share when I go to work every day, he has class and work and time he spends off playing or visiting.

It is not my living room, it is more Jake's space now than mine, and the entire lower level is shared space, I gave up my bedroom so I could keep the attic as my space.  It was and still is a better choice, but my dolls are on shelves in that downstairs bedroom, my house payment book lives in a dresser drawer in that bedroom.  

So, I will keep working, and watching for bids on day shift, kill/harvest floor that I could qualify on, do well and not be rotating in and out of places where pigs like to try and drop on humans.  Jake talks about moving out this fall, or after this fall semester, I might have the house paid off with the next tax refund, months and months away, but not too far to think about.

My work goals, first was to make 6 months, then a year, and now it it to work until the house is paid off, then I set the goal at 62, and if I make that date, I try for 65.  Before the accident, I expected to work until I was close to 70, and didn't see any reasons that was not possible. Now, it is small steps, a few more months, another year, see what my body can tolerate, not berate myself if I come home hurting and tired and do very little, or if I spend most of a weekend napping and reading.

Over 4 years now, some very long and hard weeks and months, but I kept pushing myself, and I will keep pushing myself, maybe not as hard as those first months, or that first year, but I am not going to easily join the disabled, I will go kicking and fighting.  

Part of that is the poverty thing, I am able to give myself a better standard of living, part is I am afraid I would be screaming bored and too poor to do much.  Right now I would go crazy and drive Jake up the wall, so it is a very good thing I keep working and a good thing that I have joined Pleasant Plains Historical Society, that helps get me out to play with other like minded people every Saturday, and once I can run the bike most of the time, the cost to play goes way down.  That gas stuff is getting expensive.

So, about that phone message

It seems I have won a 52 inch tv, from the PIC event we had at the plant last week.  The 1 where I snagged a hot dog, and talked to someone about insurance and filled out a card, thinking price checking on insurance for the bikes and vehicles might be a good idea.

It will be living in the box for some time, but will be nice to have in the future, once it has a place to go in my over crowded living room.

But it is not as great as the yarn bowl, made by someone who has always mattered to me and who I will always keep high on my prayer list and who knew I would use the bowl and appreciate it.

And I will not start watching any amount of tv, or DVDs, and I will not be getting any cable or dish service, again, not something I want or need in my life.

But the event was right there, as I was walking out the gate, and I was hungry so the hot dog came on handy and I am not really pleased with my insurance agent so filling out the card for contact about insurance was smart.  I just didn't plan to win a big tv that I now need to make space for and making tv space is not on my 'want to do' list any time soon.

But moving some plants is on that list, and so is working on my underpinnings and skirt, apron for Clayville, and figuring out just what I am going to do for a bodice.  And working the patterns for stays and core head coverings into the budget is on that list.

But the Basin wild rye seed is ordered, a full pound and I will be tucking seeds into the ground near all my pampas grass plants, the ones that still show no signs of life.  

Tomorrow, after work I will go up to Rushville and get my photo taken and also take the paperwork from both auto and bike insurance and see about prices with a different company and come home with a new tv, that will probably go up to the attic, box and all, for at least the next few weeks.

A good Saturday

It started early and going good, got a bit rocky/scrambled/off track before the coffee was made but I decided to just ride out the waves, get done what needed done here at home and then take the Rebel to Clayville.org instead of the truck.  Could 'blow away' the stress and issues and make the day a good day regardless.

Not a big crew working clean up today but the Calvary were there for their spring muster and it was nice to have company while we worked.  Every bit of area we get cleaned up is 1 more area done and 1less to get done.  Windy so no burning but plenty of piles to haul off to the back 'lot' where it can be later turned into mulch, firewood or burned.

At home the scooter took me to Save-a-Lot so I could buy tea and some sausage to go with the potatoes and fresh chives I planned for supper.  Ran into a neighbor, they also had property survey this spring and a very nice wood privacy fence installed.  They have more income for such and Lisa said they are now really able to enjoy their back yard and are working on landscaping and getting better lawn growing.  They have had a lot of our local sand loving nasty burr growing plants for the most part and not a lot of luck getting rid of them.

I will not envy them, know her husband is railroad and good, solid income, she works the local Video store, and they have no at home children but now are up to 2 dogs.  I will be glad to see my patio get poured but have no date on that as of yet and I will be glad to start fencing.  

I might go ahead and get a post hole digger and the first 3 end posts, it takes 3 for the north side, each end and where the fence across to the north west corner of the house goes, it will get a gate also.  The south side will have the fence run east from the corner to past our auto parking area, corner and then go to the south property line and on east to meet the east line.  That area gets double gates at the bike patio and a smaller gate at the path up to the patio.  I can see some of that in my mind, but cannot yet see the landing coming out the kitchen door.  I think once the patio pour is done and I can see the height from it to the kitchen door, I will be able to 'see' what I want for that landing/steps down from the kitchen door to the patio.

I need to get flax seeds ordered so we can get them planted at Clayville, it would have been normal to have grown flax and made our own linen and wool items back when it was settled, there were very limited amounts of 'store bought' fabrics available and communities grew their own fibers, and turned those fibers into what they needed, wove and knit both.

Doll club meeting tomorrow, the Kish doll and clothes I made go to Donnell who might add to the wardrobe between now and the UFDC convention, she is going.  I had hoped to do more sewing but I come home hurting and beat tired so often.  Not much gets done once I have taken the dog out and then fed him and me, gotten the work boots off and again, taken something for pain.

But I have a good paycheck and my debt load is going down, my old house makes creeping progress but any progress matters and I love my life here.

Being in the Pleasant Plains Historical Society and involved with Clayville.org is something I have always wanted and now am doing that, sewing for the proper wear for the person I see myself as 'could have been' back when that small stage coach stop and inn were alive and a community.

I am chasing information on line and learning a lot about the actual lives of people who lived in those times, and will be able to share that with our visitors as I do tours or demo skills from those times, some which we still have and use today.

Empty spaces

We lost another long time employee at the plant, a part of that rather small circle of people who brighten my work shift, stay on my prayer list, in general, have value and importance to me, somehow, some why.

The space won't fill, it was Dan's space, I will miss him as I know his daughter and grandson will, and I know an aunt will, she also collects dolls, and his mother might still be living.  He 'did, for his aunt, and I think for his mother.

Life moves on, I know that, but now and then I look at the small empty niches in my 'important people' space, there in my head and heart, some still living but no longer part of my life but still missed, still thought of, still on my prayer list.

As I go into spring, and what all I have to do, want to do, plan to do, I miss being able to share my life with these people, hear their voices, their laugh, and their view of what is going on in my small world.

I will make today a good day in my life, for all of you, those who have moved on and those still living, because each of you had a part in helping me become the person I am today, and that is a good thing.

Sewing progress

I have joined an area historical society and their preservation project, Clayville.org so now am working on the proper under garments for that time period, 1820-1850.  And this means sewing and fitting patterns to my body so they are comfortable and fit correct.

One starts with drawers, so prototype #1 is/are done, the pattern tweaked and #2 cut out, the machine work started.

Let me tell you, my grandma's great grandma would have used the electric sewing machine if she could have, and modern cutters and rulers to make quick work of cutting out some of those large pieces.  

As I sit here, in my house built in 1900, I am certain the first people to live in this house would appreciate the electric lights and the central air and heat.  I am sure they would have liked the hot and cold running water, the shower, washer and dryer and indoor toilet.

Metal roofs were around then so my new metal roof probably would not have seemed so wonderful to them as it does to me.  But I lived with a badly leaking roof for over 3 years and every time it rains, I appreciate this metal roof and a dry home.

I have a lot to learn yet about this area, central Illinois and when white settlers first came and started building homes, clearing for farms, draining swamps and bogs.  But this is my home now, and I am becoming a part of the community.

I now have 11 years at this plant and 9 years of living in this house.  I am working on the house and grounds/yard this year, the survey is done so I can now fence the east/back area so the dog has more freedom, once the fencing is done.  The contract is signed for the concrete work for the kitchen patio so I hope/expect to see that done before the end of this month and the money for that is set aside.

I have landscaping work to do, plants to move, areas to add a bit of great Beardstown sand and fill the low spots some, a bit of grass to try and get established and plenty of grass to get out of planting beds and weeds to fight.

And I will find time for sewing, doll things, a quilt or two, and clothes for wearing at Clayville, so I am correctly dressed when I am there, guiding tours or showing how to do something, from caning a chair to spinning and knitting to quilting.

I am very blessed in my life here.  It is not perfect, work at Cargill is very hard but I keep working and keep paying my bills and fixing on my old house.  I have some solid friends, and Jake is doing good.  I am reasonably healthy and the dog often thinks I am great.  

Things are not perfect, but some things will change with time, for the better, some things I can live with and some things are just not my problem.  I might have to remind myself of that now and then, but I am getting much better at knowing when to step back, keep my mouth shut, tell myself it is not my job to fix, and a long list of things I used to let stress me.  

Both at work and in my personal life, I did not break it, I do not have to fix it.  I work at doing my job to the best of my ability, how other people work is not my problem, unless it directly impacts me and then I do what I can to reduce that impact.

In my personal life, all my children are adults, they make their own choices and live their lives, I do not clean up after them, do not fix the mess they make or pay their bills and I work hard to not give advice unless asked.

And I am not anyone's entertainment committee nor am I responsible for their happiness or their problems.  That is a big step for me, not feeling I should do what pleases someone else before what pleases or suits me.  But, I am single, owe no one any duty or obligations and I plan to keep it that way, and I do not need or want anyone to take care of me, live for me, build a life around what suits me.

So, the prototype underpinnings will be orchid and lavender, because it is fabric I already own and cotton sheeting which is correct for underpinnings, I will buy white cotton some time in the future, and by then I will have the patterns tweaked to my liking and own several changes of drawers and chemise, quite wealthy, in fact for that time period and being among the early settlers.  It is a very good life for this old woman.

Cold and windy weekend again

It seems like winter will never leave this year.  We are back to cold and windy again, hard to get the outside clean up work done with this sort of weather but I got a lot of the raking done after work this past week, when it was nicer.  

The survey is done, and paid for, think both myself and the neighbors north can live with where that line between our properties actually ended up being and hopefully they will agree with the fencing I have hopes/plans for on that side.

I do have most of the pampas grass cut down but will need to cut back the roses, think they all suffered winter kill almost to the ground with this past winter.

I have patterns ordered for underpinnings appropriate to 1820-40's and will start sewing as soon as they come and I have time to trace off my size and cut the fabric.  Now that I am finally able to attend meetings and get more involved with Pleasant Plains Historical Society and Clayville.org I want period appropriate wear for when I am there.  It will be open to the public in mid-May so I need to get busy.

We hope to do the needed outside clean up but the weather is working against us this weekend.

I need to make a few calls about the kitchen patio, should see 2 bids coming from the contractors that were already here but I would like 3 or more.  Once that is done and paid for I expect my savings to be empty or almost.

It will be slow and nickel and dime progress on the fencing, kitchen landing, steps and door replacement but any progress matters.  It is my place and I am working on taking care of it and on improving it.

A great spring Saturday

Shadow had me awake and up early, usual schedule for us now that I am working day shift.  But it gave me time to start graphing out my property, I need to plan the fencing so I can get costs of it by section/area.  And I start with graph paper and drawing it out.  I have marks where the house is but cannot draw that onto my map until the survey is done.  Then I draw in the fencing, measure and write in the distance from each corner post to next, figure spacing for posts, gates, how much chain link it will take.  And the easy part is the paper, the hard one will be the cost.  It will be a case of getting some posts, setting them, filling in the needed posts between 2 points, then the chain link fencing, and then the next section.
Jake went to Springfield with me, we walked the entire quilt show, saw every quilt, walked by every vendor and then went to Lowes to get the bike patio pavers and wall blocks.  Out to eat and then leave me for the doll club meeting while he ran where he wanted to go.
He took Shadow for a long walk while I started taking down the retaining wall so we could dig back another 16" by 11 pavers long.  Most was done before I came in, I did hit some ground that was still frozen, but the hope is, regardless of weather, I will get the area dug out, the new patio pavers set in where they go, the retaining wall built back up and rake some.
The first contractor will be here Monday after I get home from work, I need that bike parking area done so his measurements can be close to accurate for his bid, and I want my bikes back where they belong.  I will worry about the south end of that retaining wall and planting bed later, it moves back far enough I can walk between it and the fence, once the fence is installed.
I hope this is the last time/year I add to or change that bike parking space, it had grown a bit every spring, but it did resolve several problems for me, the sand washing down in front of the utility space door, a solid place to park my scooter, a shady corner to sit out and enjoy some fresh air.
I want to do a small patio in the front, on the north side of the porch, partly is better drainage and a place for the trash container but it would be nice to have a bit of a sitting area on the west side of the house that did not feel as public as the higher and more visible front porch.
I have been invited to attend a meeting of the quilt guild in Springfield, it meets monthly on the 2nd Monday of each month so I will try and see if I can make the meeting next month.  I miss being in a quilt guild and now that I work days I can start doing some of the things that have been on my waiting list for so many years.
Bikes were out today, and I am putting off buying that wind screen for the scooter until I have the survey and the concrete patio job paid for.  I really want it and to be running that very cheap on gas ride to work as soon as I can, the wind screen will make it easier to ride in cooler temps so run to work mornings sooner, thus saving gas and miles on the truck.
But the big projects outside are first, and the fencing costs need to have priority and importance and I will not put the windscreen on credit. Rats, rats, that financial discipline stuff I am working on. Good for me in the long run but not so much fun to live with in the here and now, want it now world.
I have to remind myself how very fortunate I am, all the nice goodies that I already have, the amount of credit debt I am paying interest on because of some of that want it now.
My dental work, the big jobs on my truck that went on plastic, the air conditioner for the attic, those things are not my credit problem, but a doll, or tech device, a few other things, those are the stuff I need to absolutely Not put on credit, and that includes bike stuff, gifts for others, music CDs or any DVDs.
It is getting better, I am getting more stable each month, I have the funds for my survey and the patio pour, and neither are small cheap jobs, the additional materials to make the bike parking larger is also paid for, the bills will all be paid this month, and there will be food in the house.  But I will not be adding even 1 cheap $5 cd to my music collection, I will not be adding any new plants to my planting beds, books to my collections, or doll patterns, fabrics, yarns....
Any one who knows me well, knows I have plenty of dolls, patterns, books, fabrics, yarns to keep me entertained and those who know my place here in Illinois know I have plenty of work outside to be done this spring, lots of pampas grass to get cut down, lots of grass to remove from planting beds, roses to clean up, dog poo to keep on cleaning up.
I will be fine with a strict budget, I will not feel sorry for myself or think I am abused and a year or two from now, I will look back and see just how much I gained.  A lower debt load, a nicer property that I do love and want to take pride in, and dolls with lovely clothes I have made, maybe another quilt or two to put on a bed or gift, knitted things that money cannot buy.  All gained by strict budget and working on what really matters long term to me.  But I still want that $159 before tax and shipping wind screen.  It will still be available when it will work into the budget without cramping me or causing a delay in what really needs paid for first.

That book I would like to read

The one that is my life and go back about 4+ years! and see how it would go if a man had been honest about his finances.  I wonder what difference that would make, what roads we would have taken and where we would be today.   I know you cannot go back and change things but I have to wonder how that might have changed our lives.

With honesty, you can find a way to resolve things, make wiser choices, find a way to deal with stuff like major financial issues.  Without that honesty, some day the world will come crashing down, and every one looses.

Here, in this old house I make slow progress on stability, pay down debt load, fix a bit on this place, keep my truck running, keep going to work, and keep liking who I am and what I am doing with my life.

But it is spring, and as I start cleaning the outside grounds of my small place, as I watch plants come back to life, I wonder where would we be if just that one thing was changed.

I am finally getting the property surveyed and have plans to start fencing and I am hoping to finally get the concrete pour done for the patio off the kitchen and have the kitchen door replaced.  Yes, the house still needs a lot of work, yes, I will keep at it, probably the rest of my life.

Well, there is no way to change the past, and no way to fix some things, honesty would have gone a very long way to make a huge difference so long ago.  Now, I work on my life and hope that his life is going well and he is happy.

For the most part I am, oh, not with my lungs and the crud in them from my recent bout with the flu, or the annoying foot and ankle, but those are small things, most of the time I am very glad to be me and doing what I do with my silly little life.  

Do I miss him? Yes, but I can live with that too, I miss my grandparents and my mom, people that matter are never replaced, their space in your mind and heart is only theirs and when they are gone, no matter why or how, the space is still there, it just sits empty.  I dust it out now and then and go on living in the real world, not some book where I get to re-write parts and see what happens.

Rains and gray skies

I had hopes for some sunshine but got up to rains and the day stayed damp and cool.  But not bitter cold, not snowing and no winds whipping around.

So, instead of clean up outside, I did laundry, and cut out 2 doll dresses and got the machine work on them done, will work on the handwork tomorrow and watch movies, do not expect it to be nice enough for me to spend much time outside.

But at least I am making some progress on my UFDC project.  Shadow tried to help so now I need to retrace and cut out the back bodice pattern he managed to destroy for me. We had a quiet day for the most part with Jake off at work, the local radio station playing and just me and the dog here at home.

There is so much I need to get started with outside but I will not battle the cold and damp for a bit of yard work yet.  And the weather channel is already predicting another winter storm hitting this area mid week so I won't get excited about spring just yet.

Friday Started Funny

and I wil give credit for that to both the local paper and the early morning gang at McDonalds.  It seems that the front page told the world that Cass county will now be able to issue same sex marriage licenses.  That alone isn't so funny, it's just updates in changing laws, funny was Johnny Walker telling Larry Lung they could now come out of the closet and go ahead and get married.  They went to school together, and off into the service about the same time, both ended up with heart problems and disability about the same time, Larry spent the last 4 years of his wife's life being home to care for her, Johnny's wife is still living and battling COPD, the same disease that took Larry's wife.
So, they have known each other most their lives, seen each other through hard times but no, they really aren't romantically involved, or even interested in changing their hetrosexual life style.
Larry doesn't think he wants to support Johnny's stint collection or share the remote control for the tv.  So, it looks like I might still have invitations to go camping and Johnny's wife will still have her driver and yard sale buddy for now.
At work I followed Jeff today on our job rotation, with Enricho following me, normally Jeff is behind me on the rotation, not sure what happened today but know I didn't remember where I was to start and the guys seem to depend on me to remember.  We managed to get through the day, shave hams, pull toe nails, shave bellies, shave hams, pull nails, shave bellies, and around and around 3 of us go, 9400 hogs was today's count.
Vacations are being scheduled, I have 3 weeks now but will take 1 week as seperate days and hope to use 1 for the concrete pour on that patio that I have yet to see any contractors here to look over the job and it takes that to put in bids.  But the weather is improving and it is time for the production departments to start scheduling the coming year of vacation time, hourly management went from June 1 to May 31, production does it in March and I have no idea when maintenence does their scheduling.
I am going to try and work on keeping my budget tighter so I can pay down the debt load more, waste less money and also put more into the old house, with outside being higher on the list this spring/summer.  I need the survey done and paid for, I need to start fencing and I want the patio done, the back door usable again and that might mean a $$ replacement and then build the landing and stairs down to the patio.
The work inside can be nickle and dime work for now, as will the fencing be, corners and then posts between and then buy chain link to go as far as I can, 55 feet across the east line will do the alley. Not sure how far up the south side before I corner for parking area and then come to the south east corner of the house, with 2 gates, walk through and a larger one for the bikes to go through from their parking patio.
I will have to see where the north line ends up and then know if the neighbors have a problem with their above ground pool and the deck with it.  None of that is grandfathered so it will have to be within city and state code once the survey is done.  I will not agree to giving them use of any of my yard but wil agree to some very limited time to get any structures or things off my property.  But I will either fence to the line or both of us will fence with a 2 foot space we both maintain between the properties, with each of us loosing 1 foot x 115 feet for that space.  City code allows the fencing to property line between 2 properties if both agree, if not, both are reqired to fence and each has to give up that foot by length of property and both get fined if it is not maintained for grass and weed growth.
The house is still a run down old house but the foundation is now solid and the roof is good. Most of the windows are new, double paned and the electrical, air and water systems are good.  I look at what all still needs done and feel that I have gotten so little done but forget what all I have done, and that includes the bikes, the trips, the dolls, books, yarns and so forth. 
So, it is a good life here, and I do like this old house, and do plan to keep on working on it, some nickle and dime, and once it is paid off, and the furnace replaced, the hope is to refinance for a major kitchen renovation and have the kitchen done well and long term very usable.  Right now I can't see the kitchen done, but I do know that I no longer want white cabinets and that I do want them to go to the ceiling or at least be closed off to the ceiling as I do not want a dust/dirt area that takes a ladder to clean.  And seeded glass in some of the cabinet doors that will match the framing of the art glass I now have hanging in the dormer window. 
But for now, I will be content with what I have, and my weekend to get some things here done, including clean up after our dog outside, doll sewing for our UFDC convention that I am not going to and some sleeping in, if Shadow will let me.

12 degrees outside and covered in that cold white stuff, again

It is now 13 degrees outside, covered in white stuff and the dog has had me out so he could potty and play.  I did start shoveling, and will work on it here, and across for Alberta and Chuck during the day today.  But wish the dog would drag out other humans, I seem to be his designated human for cold, snow, winds ,rain trips out to potty.

My lot in MO is sold and the money in my bank account, and I hit the Springfield Home and Garden show Friday after work.  I have 2 concrete companies that will come look at my patio job and hope to get at least 2 more to come look, put in a bid, 1 is here in town so want to give the very local company a chance for the job. 

The bike patio will have to get some changing first, I have survey planned and fencing so need the bike parking entirely behind the house, not with a 16" paver row hanging off that line.  I added those pavers for my longer Rebel and it was just so much easier to add them there than unstack the retaining wall and dig out another 16" by 14 feet long area.  I will be doing it now, before the patio is done, and then have that so the patio will be able to tie in somewhat on the south side.

The fence will be gated across the bike parking space, and I need a human gate, and I will probably have more gates than I am happy paying for, but in the long run, they will be worth having, it will be just the initial cry and whine as I buy each one.

Today I will work on the snow shoveling and the laundry, have a load in the dryer to pull out and fold, have work jeans  yet to spray and wash the bottom 6" of the legs and then get washed, dried and put away and will knit, work on finishing the 2nd doll dress, plans for a quiet day. Jake and I will work on getting his taxes done too, and he will be doing part of the work, or all of it with Mom's help.

 Handed  my current case to Ben, with the new Nexus tablet he does not know I bought for him.  He will owe me help with mine for years to come, LOL, but it think he can handle that.

The Home and Garden Show in Springfield was smaller than I had expected but I had fun, found plenty to look at, came home with information on stuff I am interested in, and a place to order that platform with drawers for my bed when I am ready to move back downstairs. I looked at specialty baths, with plans for going very handicapped accessible when I move/replace the tub downstairs in the future.

The tub moves to the north wall and the door between the bathroom and laundry area moves east a few feet to make less problems with my much loved, used and needed spiral stairs.

But, alas, until I get a bathroom upstairs or the funds to pay a bath company to come in and do the job while I have some vacation days, the tub will not get moved and I will duck under the metal stairs and occasionally nail my head or shoulder on metal stairs.

The end of this month will make my 11th anniversary at Cargill here, and I am glad to be back on the kill floor, like working days, the end of March also marks my living in this house 9 years.  When I look at that time frame I feel like the work on this house has gone very slowly, but it have less than $5000 left to pay on the 2nd mortgage, the one that paid for replacing 1/2 of the foundation, at a higher cost than I paid for the place.  And the metal roof is done, paid for with no refinancing to pay for that.  Most of the windows are replaced, with the addition of 4 new ones, south attic retreat, 2 in the north attic studio area and the last new window is my east dormer window.

Part of the attic has drywall up, all is insulated, the 2 baseboard heaters work great and allow me to adjust the upstairs temps to suit my needs/wants.  The portable air conditioner was a good decision and will be even more effecient as I get more drywall work done up here in the attic.  All the wiring is done except what will be needed in the future bathroom and it is framed in and had drywall on the outside walls.

I will have to do a lot of reading on bathrooms before starting work there as it will get a custom tiled shower, to fit the space and sealing for moisture in the entire bathroom area is very important and the place to start. I have plans for a single unit for heat, light and exhaust in the ceiling, and then there will need to be at least 1 outlet, possibly 2, and a light over the sink.  I am planning a corner sink unit, might go custom with base and splurge on a cool vessel type sink.

Well, now it is almost the end of the week, Ben likes his Nexus 7, will help me with mine and I am going to order the case with keyboard as soon as I can to replace the case I gave Ben.  And I will do some tweaking with my Nexus also.

The weather has gotten a bit better so I need to start cleaning up the dog poo that Shadow has dropped all over the place.  And call contractors about the patio job so I can end up with several estimates/bids for the job.

I get discouraged at the credit debt I have, the lack of progress on this old house, my personal relationships, my poor choices in life, the past mistakes, you name it, I manage to find plenty of reasons to mentally beat myself up some days.

I need to work on the reasons I waste money and add to my debt load when I really do want to pay off credit cards and get some of those accounts closed.  I know at times I am my own worse enemy, but that does have some advantages over the days when I was letting some man screw up my head and my finances.

The winter seems to have been so long this year and cold.  The house seems to have stayed a mess, no matter how much work I put into picking up, sweeping, cleaning, you name it, I keep loosing that battle everywhere in the house and the dog does the outside mess for me to clean up again and again.

But I do know it is not a terrible life, I am ok with my place of work, like my old house and know the problems and the costs and the years of work ahead that might never end.  It is my house and my life now, not in the hands of someone else and me having little or no choice in the direction I am going.

Outside plans for this year

I know inside the house needs a lot more work but I am going to put some money and time into landscaping and outside stuff this year.  I have a survey planned and money put away for that and I am making calls to concrete contractors for bids on doing the back patio this spring also.
Once the survey is done I will start the fencing work, east/alley line first, then up the south side to the parking area, back to the northeast corner to start that fence.  I want something decorative on the front/southwest side and I am not sure where gates will be or what will be completely fenced but do want that for most of the property so I have a safer dog area.
I will work flower beds and grasses around the patio, plans include a 6 foot high privacy screen on the south side of the patio, above the bike parking patio.  The house gets a small, narrow landing and steps down to the patio and I am looking at grills.  I hope to see the back door replaced and using it most of the time before fall, and I will find time and some funds for more of the drywall up in the attic area, but I need a fence to keep the dog out of the neighbor's pool and out of the streets.
It looks like I will have the current mortgage paid off in less than 18 months, wee, and then I will save up and plan for furnace replacement summer of 2016, then to save a bit and talk to bank for the kitchen to get professional overhaul and solid surface counters and nice cabinets. 
The property in MO is sold and that money will be paying for the patio or most of the costs, have called 5 contractors but have yet to see any one here to look at the job.  Winter is slowing that down but 2 have contacted me back.   My calls had me leaving messages on machines, but I will call back in a week or so.  I am not in a huge hurry but know I do need to get contractors looking at the job and bids so I can make a decision and get on someone's work schedule for this spring or summer. 
I have not heard any more about Cynthia's condition, nor seen anything yet on Facebook, do know it is normal to keep a person sedated for up to 2 weeks after the surgery she had to deal with the brain bleeding.
I have them all in my prayers, something to leave in God's hands and then go about my life, take care of my own responsibilities here.
And part of that is UFDC donation for this coming convention.  I have the doll,shoes, undies and 1 pair of tights, nightgown needs hand work, 2 dresses need hand work and I need everything I am donating done by our April doll club meeting so Donnell can do the photos, paperwork and pack it to take to the convention.
I won't say I am thinning down my doll collection very much but UFDC will probably get at least 1 doll every year as part of our club's donations to help with costs for something.
It has been a very long and cold winter here this year, colder than prior years for me, and more snow and ice.  I am not the only person tired of this weather but there is a home and garden show in Springfield this weekend and I plan to go, Larry will go with me but I don't know if we will go Saturday or Sunday.  We are hearing rumors of work Saturday but schedules are posted Thursdays.
Getting to this place in life, and this place with this old house has not come easy, hard work, making good choices over and over, cleaning up the mess from a poor choice or two, working every day even when I hurt, trying to watch my spending and working on breaking some bad money habits.  No one handed me any of this stuff in my house or the house, the truck or the job.  I have worked for them and I will keep working to keep them and take care of them. 
Wish a few other people would accept that their crappy lives are the result of their crappy choices and accept the fact that unless they work to make their life better, it will just stay crappy and NO, blaming others won't fix a thing.  Figure if I can do it, than others can too, especially if they are in the same genetic line as I am.  Not talking about anyone I gave birth to but a sister that I do love but will not feel sorry for.  Her crappy choices have put her where she is and in the financial situation she is in, I won't help her out, she has to start getting out herself and working on being honest about her situation and why she is in the spot she is in. 
In the meantime, I will plan to play with graph paper and plan out some of the outside stuff, see about getting some plants on a wish list, look and see if I can buy the basin wild rye plants this year or just seed and so forth but right now it is time to shut down and get to sleep.

A day off and life progress

The plant has a big new equipment install going this weekend so kill floor is off today and cut floor off Monday so the work can get done and the $$$ outside contractors that came to install some of their company equipment can get their job done and leave.
So, it is still cold and still windy, doubt if I do the outside clean up I need to do, Shadow and I need to take the cart and clean up after him as soon as we can, again.
Jake and the girlfriend are inJacksonville, decided to stay there, bad winds and her parents didn't want them on the roads after class so Jake gets parked on their sofa.
I need to make the house payment today, will leave me with 24 or less to make, paying extra every month means I might actually be down to 23.  Nice thought, will probably refinance for doing the kitchen, expect to replace the furnace without needing to do that, have it planned for after the house is paid for and before I retire, easier to replace it early while I can easily manage the cost than once I am on a fixed income and it has a problem and the parts are no longer available.
The news on Cynthia, Jake's step mom is not much and not really good at this time, she is under sedation while the medical team watch her brain, normal after the surgery to deal with the bleeding issue.  It can be as long as 2 weeks waiting time, hard hours with a hospital a long drive from their home town.  The extent of damage the stroke has caused cannot be determined at this time but it does seem to be more on the right side than the left. I have asked those I know to add the family to prayer lists, and I know all of this is very hard on Jake and Ben.
We all hold grudges, she put a lot of work into driving the boys away from their dad and into trying to make my life miserable once she married Sam. She was a huge cause of the financial problems which forced the sale of the farm, including what should have been Jake's with our divorce agreement and property settlement.
We do not want to see the burdens that will be placed on Sam with this stroke and the damage that will come from it.  It was a severe stroke, there is no way she will recover completely and she will have a very long and slow recovery, with no idea at this time, and huge medical bills that are not all covered by insurance.  Trips down to Columbia from Milan will be long and cost, James is still in school, their son and they are the caregivers for their grandson AJ, her older son's child.
And we are over here in Illinois, with our not perfect lives, Jake and I live in this old house I am slowly fixing, he works part time, takes college classes and has a girlfriend. Ben lived at the town north of us, working at local restaurant, shares a place with friends and is working on paying off his debts.
I have a labor job at the local meat packing plant, good insurance and benefits, a life I really like, good friends, some outside interests like the doll club I am a member of and that Honda Rebel I love to ride.  I do believe in karma and think the scales of life get balanced in ways we do not understand.

Know I am blessed with my life

I hurt a lot, foot and leg from the accident, hands from work but I usually bounce out of the plant after work and I go in ready to work and glad to be there.  I take some over the counter pain meds but not a lot and like the days I take nothing for pain.

Jake's step mother had a stroke early this morning, life flight down to Columbia MO for surgery to stop/control bleeding in her brain.  No idea at this time what her condition is or what her future will be. 

She abused both Ben and Jake, called me a whore and did all she could to make as much hell in my life as she could when we lived in the same county and I have no liking for her and not much sympathy.

But Jake loves his dad very much, they are close so what hurts Sam, hurts Jake, who despises his step mother but arecently wired money to her for meds she has to have and did not have the funds for.

So, I count myself fortunate and blessed.  I like my life, like my job, live in my own home and am slowly improving it and my health is pretty good, all things considered.

I don't think Jake's life would improve by this woman being dead or seriously disabled, I do think she may have earned such but it would make Sam's life harder and that would make huge waves in my son's little world.

So, I will pray for her healing, for them to get through this very challenging time and I will count my many blessings.