Counting down to Vacation

     Right now work has some issues, maintenance issues at the front end had us standing around way too much today, we had some product, and a gap and then a bit more and another gap and the day drug on until after 2:30.  We will be working Saturday, and I am not complaining, I can sure use the $$.
     I did get out and set up the little tent Jake gave me, and there is no way I can take it to Michigan Fiber Festival and camp 4 nights in that tent.  It cannot be fastened down to the ground well enough to be secure in any amount of wind and it will not be dry if there is any rain.  So, I ordered a better 1 that should be here early next week.  I will also pick up seam coating stuff and some water proof spray so I can treat all the seams and the cover here, once it comes.  I do not want to be soaked or have my stuff soaked, and there is no weather control.
     That standing around give my brain too much time to wander around, and it has been dragging out some of the trash from the past, yes, I need to sort our and 'clean out' some of that, there is no changing the past or mistakes and poor choices I made in the past, I have grown a lot and changed a lot, I am not the same woman I was at 21 or 25 or even 45.
     I might create silly day dreams but I am firmly rooted in the real world and know who I am and what I want and need in my life.  I don't need or want a romantic or intimate relationship with anyone, I don't want a companion, a live in or a man to complicate my life and my enjoying my life.
     It is my life now and my time and my chance to do things I have wanted to do most of my life, to go when I want to go and where I want to go.  The new tent will easily pack on the GTS that I recently bought and we can go camping where I want to camp, just me and the scoot, I can run the roads I want to run, see the places I want to see on my own time schedule.
     Living alone here once again is working, some adjusting and some issues, like pet care when I am going to be gone very long/overnight but I will work on that, Ben is still living close and I have a pal or 2 I can trust with a key to the house.
     Finances are snug right now but the paychecks are improving, and that will help the finances.  All my medical bills are paid off right now, Lowes is paid off, Bergners has closed their credit accounts so that 1 was paid off and is now also closed. 
     I have changed my car insurance from Progressive to Geico and that should same me some $ also.  I will also change the bike insurance but not this week, juggling money some right now, have a lot that has to be paid in the next couple weeks, and that I want paid before I head off on vacation.
     It's been 12 years since I went to Michigan Fiber Festival, and that time I took angry, unhappy, pregnant Cami with me, 14, and in the middle of a huge family conflict, she needed away before her parents could abuse her more than they had.  My daughter has not yet made peace with me for standing up for Cami's right to make the decisions about the pregnancy.  Her mother knew she was having sex with a 28 year old man that Stormy worked with and didn't care, but was going to force Cami to terminate the pregnancy because of the problems it made in Stormy's life. 
     That is not a decision that others should make for a woman, regardless of age.  She is the 1 who has to live, the rest of her life with that decision, push counseling, push thinking about what your life will be like 5 years from now, 10 years from now, but let that woman make her own choice for the reasons she believe are right for her. 
    For most of my life I had let others make my choices for me, and did what they wanted me to, tried to be the person they thought I should be. And I still have some anger issue about that but you can't reason with the dead, you can't change the dead and the only thing you can do is look at all the reasons why they might have made those choices, why they did what they did, learn from it and move on. 
     So, the first and so far, only trip to Michigan Fiber Festival had some kid issues, but I really enjoyed it and this time I am going alone- ok, so not quite alone, I'm taking a 12" doll for company, she will not take up space, won't eat anything, won't complain, and I might have some fun with photo ops.  I need to dig out some patterns her size and make her a few things, if they are not finished, 1 can finish them up at Allegan.

Work, weekends and vacation time.

     Work is ok, longer days which means a few more $ in the paycheck, which sure helps, I'm running a very tight budget, my own not being careful enough with spending and buying the GTS is a huge part of that.   But I refuse to have regrets and I did sell the Rebel and paid down credit debt with most of the $.
      Last weekend I got pal Kim to go with me to play in St. Louis, she needed a go play break, she's an only child and now dealing with aging issues for her parents, her mom requires far more care and supervision than Dad can provide and is now residing in a nursing home, doesn't know Kim or her husband when they visit.  Kim and her parents are very close, and this is so hard for her.  Watching and dealing with a much loved mother dying by inches is hell.
     And my vacation in August is coming, I am working on getting my act together as I am going to Michigan Fiber Festival, taking 3 classes there and going alone!  I had talked with pal Larry about going and he really wants to but I don't feel his health is up to the travel and possible weather conditions and I am NOT going to spend my hard earned vacation dealing with some one else's health issues, or worrying about them. 
     And I like my own company, don't want to spend that much time with him and do not want to deal with sleeping arrangements and having him wanting to maul and play with my body.  I don't have any desire to get sexually aroused and do not appreciate a damn incapable of the act man trying to stir my body.  It just makes me screaming mad, his desires and wants in that line are not acceptable for me.
     I would love to be able to pack up and take the GTS but know I can't afford the costs of a pull trailer that the scoot could haul, the hitch, the wiring work for the lights and the cost of title and plates for a blasted little go behind trailer for my scoot.  So, maybe I will work on seeing if I can accomplish that for next summer and be glad my little car gets great gas and will have enough room for everything I need/want for my little camping trip and classes up in Michigan.
    And I don't know what I am doing with this coming weekend, but running the GTS is probably very high on that list of what I will do. 

Making progress, at least with a few things

     I did get the Rebel sold, and paid down debt on buying the GTS, which is a great ride and a very good buy.  I do have a cover and the USB outlet ordered, and Ben will help me get it installed.  And since it's bigger and heavier, I am finally working with improving the grading from the street to the bike patio to get better drainage and make it easier for me to move the GTS in and out.
    And I am working on that family tree, I seem to 'hang dead bodies' on it every time I am working on it, it's expanding in some interesting directions, like the cousins and distant cousins and their spouses, which are actually not in my bloodline, but their children, would be.  So, I think that private in the Confederate Army is not a blood uncle xx times removed but the husband of that xx times aunt..  But I am slowly gaining on the tree stuff.
     Jake is now back in Colorado to live, Jaime is settling in to having his place to himself and likes it, Ben is now living on the other side of the tracks, so he's a few blocks away but it takes a round about trip to get to the house he's living in.  And I am happily adjusting to living here with just the dog and parrots for company.
    Work is going ok, shorter hours and the change of jobs in plant is helping me have less pain and hurt less, all very positive things in my small and silly little life.
     Temps are warm to hot, and the past few days have not cooled much at night.  I am still keeping the thermostat set at 78 for the air conditioning, upstairs is not very comfortable unless temps drop and I can get some cooler air coming in the windows but I'm not up there much, just not much time to sew or hang out up there.
    It's a quiet life here, I like being single, bills get paid, there's food in the house, I have peace of mind and like myself and what I am doing with my life.  I do think about what it might have been if this or that relationship had worked differently and thank God for not letting me end up with those disasters.  I count being single as a very huge blessing.

Changing Rides

     I will have to get some photos here but after 5 great years with my Rebel I now have that bike up for sale.  I didn't expect to be selling it for another year or 2 but a friend found me a really great buy on a Vespa GTS 300ie Super, dressed out and with very low miles.  I now have that bigger scooter, my LXV which I love and ride to work and all over and will not part with and have run out of bike parking space on my small bike patio.
     Work is ok, I did make a job change to a job that is less physically demanding with the same pay and better co-workers so that has improved my work attitude and lowered my stress issues.  And I don't hurt as much and am doing more at home after work, which is really great.
     Ben has moved out, he's working the local truck wash and seems to be making his life work better.  And Jake is on his way back to Colorado to live there, he helped his dad move back there earlier this month and came back here to get his Army Reserve stuff moved to Colorado, and pack up his things and say good bye.  I do hope it works for him and his good pal Darcy is  driving/riding out with him and will be flying back, a bit of vacation for her and she 'inherits' his house key and becomes my 'other kid'. 
     The new/used Vespa is a big splurge right now, I had not expected to find a scooter this summer but have started looking as I notice my right foot is doing more sneaking away from that brake pedal on the Rebel and I'm doing more looking down to see where that foot is, not the safest thing to do while cruising along the road on a motorcycle, no matter how small the bike is.  I do think I am safe to run it this summer and maybe next but thought I would start looking for used scooters 250cc up to 400cc, I don't know what all is out there or prices so thought some advance shopping would help me make a better buying decision. 
     I did not expect someone to find me a 2009 Vespa GTS with only 234 original miles for a price I could afford, but people do crazy things, including spending probably around $10,000 on a Vespa and then not riding it any amount.  The couple divorced about a year after getting this scooter, the wife got this scooter and could not ride it...years later, it's up for sale and I know a great deal when I see it, or rather when a friend calls me to check on it.
     And it's time to get to bed, work tomorrow and I actually look forward to going to work again, that's a nice change after several years of boxing stomachs, hurting, and working with 2 jerks. 

Looking at things differently

     I'm looking at my life, at my past, at how I got to where I am both physically and mentally, emotionally and looking at where I want to be this time next year.  It has been a long and not always easy road but worth the living and a lot of lessons learned, some I needed to 'take the class' more than once to learn from.
     And I'm accepting that the way I 'see' things is not always the way others do, and what works for me doesn't for others.  I can do a bit of giving here and there but I'm finding there's not much stretch or  give left in me, or much compromise.
     I work a hard, occasionally physically demanding job in a meat packing plant, that is how I earn my living, that takes up a big chunk of my day, 5 days a week, and occasionally 6.  I do have a job that I like, co-workers I like working with and that helps but it's not my 'family' and it's not my life, it's what earns the money that pays for all that matters/
     There's this old house, the payments on the current and 3rd mortgage in my 13+ years of ownership, and pays for the work, the materials I put into the improvements and repairs.  There is the bills for heat, lights, cooling, water, trash, property taxes, that job earns the money that pays for those things too, and the food I eat, the clothing I wear, the food I feed my pets.  That paycheck buys my dolls, my yarns, my internet service and the devices I use to enjoy and use that internet.
     That paycheck pays my vehicle insurance and registrations, repairs and upkeep, and it make the payments on that Mitsubishi car and that Vespa scooter I ride and love so much.  But it's not my life, it's not my best friend and it's not my family. 
     And I'm not sure always about where I will give in or what I will give up to make a relationship work with anyone.  I don't want a man in my bed, not in my bed in this house.  That stage or want is past and this new space, or recovered space, with all the time and hard work I have put in, with the new bed, new mattress, new sheets, it's just mine, and I don't want anyone 'invading' this peaceful space I have created for me.
     And that camping stuff, I'm glad he's found a place he likes and has a permanent place for his camper, he owns the lot, is a member of that little club/organization up there, and likes the location.  I don't like it, it's like being in a small camper town, it's not being out and away from the humans and their 'stuff'.  There is no waking up and looking out a window to dawn slowly lighting up nature, at just what's natural and finding peace and balance.  It's looking out into a small, crowded, campers way too close for my comfort, way too peopled for my peace and balance. 
     I'm not sure what sort of balance and compromise I will make, but he does not see the person I am, not all of me and there's so much of me and of what matters to my heart that I keep close, that I don't share, that is not anything I will share.  Especially with someone who gossips and does not realize he's crossed privacy lines, so now I don't tell him much.  He can't talk about what he doesn't know.
     And I've had several years of very single me that I have gone where I wanted, when I could, at my pace, for my reasons and I don't have it in me to give much of that up.  It's warming up here, finally, a late spring and I have the Vespa out and will soon have my Rebel out and ready for the road.  And I am not willing to give up that riding, and that for me, means hours of riding, long and sometimes hard, pushing riding.  It feeds my soul, there's just no other way I can explain what that freedom means to me, and I will have it, will not let much be more important than my needs and some of my wants.
     I'm not a calm, restful person, I'm not going to become a couch potato, a tv watching, cuddling affectionate person.  And some bridges were damaged and I'm not willing to repair them on my end, he didn't see that he was damaging the foundations, he didn't respect my ownership or my rights or put himself in my shoes with his actions...he will get back some of my time but not much and no trust, and not very much give, there's just not much left in me.
     No, I'm not mad, no I'm not depressed but I am looking at the coming summer and the weekends and what really matters with my very valuable time and how I want to spend that time.  It's not something I can go buy more of, once that day is gone, I don't get it back, so yes, what I do with that off work time does really matter to me. 
     I want and need to do old house stuff, and yard stuff, and I have other 'stuff' that matters, like time to knit or sew or read and time to ride. I am not going to spend very much time in some little camper village, wishing I was home or elsewhere, that is just not going to be happening to this old woman, not this summer and not the ones that come after.
     

The office corner

     I still need to put together the stand/base/storage cubes for the printer, but most of the work is done.  I need a new power strip, will mount that on the wall in the corner, easy to turn on and off and plug stuff in.  And I want a new coffee cup warmer, even if I don't turn it on often, it gives me a fixed place for a cup or glass to sit.
     I could have added another coat of plaster and had a nicer looking job but I am so damn tired of plaster repairs, I've gone through over 60 pounds of dry plaster and have sanded/spilled/slopped far too much of that and I am still cleaning it up.
     We are finally seeing warmer weather, but reports for the weekend have us cold again.  I have a Doll Club event Saturday and Sunday am I will be signing up for my classes at Fiber Festival in Michigan. 
     And I've been eaten by scabies once again, yes, again, Jake's dog Thumper, he gets bathed here with something to kill them, Ben and I quit having a problem with them and then Jake is back, the dog is with him, and comes back to stay here and Ben and I deal with scabies once again.  I am going to end Thumper coming to stay.  I cannot afford to have open sores on my hands and lower arms, wrists, I am now working the upper bung job, which means I am flushing pig shit, full of all sorts of bacterial contamination out all day, a good way to end up with a serious problem with all the open sores, even with gloves, plastic sleeves and all that stuff.
     I am pleased with my bedroom, do like the color of the walls and trim, and like the progress I have made on this old house this winter.  It will be cleaner, warmer in the winter, cooler in the summer with more drafts shut out, and the room is comfortable.  I still have more leaning and putting away stuff but will do a little at a time.  It's sort and clean and decide what goes in the trash, what goes out to the shed, what goes up stairs and what belongs in here and where. 
     I will use the laptop a lot more now, and admit I am looking at new ones, despite the fact that this 1 has very little time being used since I bought it.  I think I just want to buy myself something and I sure don't need to add to my debt.  But I have been known to do some very stupid things with my credit and there are worse things I could get in debt for.  But I don't need a new laptop, I am just wanting something else....and it would come with Windows 10, which is part of my 'hate' issue with this one. 
     Time to clean me up and get to bed.

Never get caught up here

,      I just found I never posted what I had written in early December 2017, so it's up now and I still like the little black car but will be glad when it's sitting under a cover and I'm running bikes again.  It's a 'warm weather' thing, and today we have had rains, cold winds and more rain.
     But I am finally back in the downstairs, only 'real' bedroom this old house has, and I like the pale pistachio color I am painting the walls and the hedgerow olive I'm doing the trim and shelves in works great for accent.  The gap from the old brick chimney is this week end's project, and it's closed up, the new power outlet for my office corner is in and wired and working, and I will be working on that plaster work in this corner for a while.  Every day, another coat to build out and fill in, and sand as needed, but I have slowed down the drafts from the huge gap I started with this morning and I've lived with that all winter.
     Larry Lung invited me over for movies and cuddling but I decided home, a shower and quiet night in my own space works better for my old and hurting body.  He's living in the home he's lived in for years, and is retired, I'm still living in a renovation project, still working and still don't have enough time to get everything done on that 'to do' list I keep trying to get done.  But the shelves are up in the bedroom, so all that stuff I packed away to redo and repair this room can start going on the shelves this weekend, the 'dirty work' is done, at least in this space.
     Work was crazy all week for me, trying to train on a new job, took weeks to even get the task/job duties paper signed and then I'm still boxing stomachs,flushing stomachs, inverting stomachs, boxing bungs, trading people out to get vacations scheduled, boxing bungs, and finished the week with being 'given' to the front end and washing pig mouths for the day.  It all pays, it's work and it pays my bills, and it will calm down, at least somewhat.
     Politics and the president seem to be a daily disaster, and it looks like a rolling disaster that is bent on doing all the damage he can, while he can, with the GOP aiding and abetting the crimes.  Oh, it will be something most of us will survive but I'm not sure how long it will take to repair the damage, to our country's reputation, to our economy, jobs, and to the planet.
     But, for this evening, the house is warm and dry, and there's plenty of food, the music playing is my choice, the peace and balance in my life is from my choices and my hard work, and tomorrow will see the laundry done, the wall corner get a bit more plaster added, the toys and treasures coming out of the plastic totes and those moved out of my way.  The sewing studio will get some attention, stuff moved back into that storage area I keep hoping to turn into the upstairs bathroom, and maybe even some sewing done.

December 3 and far deeper in debt.

     First, I’ve been running older vehicles, which have needed repair and have had me without a vehicle while work was being done, expensive work that I have then put on my credit cards and paid high interest on, Never getting it all paid off since that car accident January 14, 2010.
     I was seriously worried that I would not be able to go back to work ever or if I did, it would only be for a very short time, so I admit that I would not finance a replacement vehicle for the little red Mazda truck I lost in that wreck, and that I really did like.  And I had it less than a year, because April 1, 2009 some fool in a hurry to get to the bar before closing time had to try and crowd past me in our company parking lot, going out to the highway.  That stupidity on a young man’s part totaled out my Hyundai Accent, which I had bought new, had less than 10 years and less than 91,000 miles on it....
    The Neon was bought because the transmission went out on that old ‘94 Ford Ranger I bought after the accident and I had been putting work and money in that since I bought it...  Jake lent me his vehicle but it had problems and it didn’t take me very long to be on Craig’s List looking for a low cost car so I had my own transportation while my truck was down for a very, very expensive shop visit.
     I’ve had that Neon almost 2 years and have put close to $4,000 into it, including purchase price and I still would not be confident to take it across country or try to make a long trip with it.
     So, I went on line car shopping for a new or nearly new car I could look at owning and driving for the next 15 years or so.  And I used CarFax.com to do a lot of that looking, with a 200 mile radius from my zip code for a location range and went down manufacturers web sites to look at their economic car lines for models to look at.
     The hunt was not about or for what I ‘liked’ but for what was or would be the best long term purchase for my life and my needs.  And Saturday I got my friend Jaime to go with me to Columbia MO to look at, drive, and sign papers and bring home a 2017 Mitsubishi Mirage, under 6,000 miles, was able to extend that original 50,000 mile bumper-bumper warrenty to what will be over 94,000 miles of bumper to bumper warranty/just under 10 years.  A 5 year payment plan at 5.5% interest and yes, the car is black, inside and out.  The very last color I would choose IF what I wanted and liked was the top concern on my list.
    On the way home I was able to check my mpg, a nice technology perk on new cars, and the car was 38. something at it’s lowest and 46.something at it’s highest during the 125+ mile return trip to home, with speeds between 40 and 65 mph.  I can sure adjust to black, oven hot in the sun, shows all the dirt and every scratch for that gas economy and for that long and far less worry warranty stuff.
    I’ve named the car Mit, and refer to it as the new Boyfriend.  I’m hoping for a very long and stable relationship and I know I will be supporting ‘him’ and buying ‘him’ things, including non essential stuff, and I already have stated.  He’s under a car cover now, and that back seat has a protective cover already.  I have cutie butterflies for sun shades in the car and today while I was in Springfield I got sheepskin front seat covers I will put on this coming week, some ‘girley’ stickers/decals to put on the car (so I can recognize it easier), some tiny lights that have a power plug in for the cigarette lighter/power port.  The interior seems so very dark at night, I can’t find my coffee cup yet.  The 2 tiny lights will stick somewhere underneath so the front floorboard area has a tiny bit of lighting when I plug them in.    I’ve ordered those window ventilation strips, that will make it easier to leave a window open a tiny bit, very necessary when it’s warmer or hot and prevent rain from getting in.
   And my hands get a sheepskin steering wheel cover, I’ve found those are the most comfortable for my hands year round and so are worth the cost to me.  The car came with new, never out of the package all weather floor mats for both the front and back, Jaime and I installed them while paperwork was getting prepared for me.  I called and got the insurance work done and paid for while I was also waiting on paperwork and then called today to give them the lender information.
     I should be getting a packet in the mail from the dealership with the 2nd key, hopefully the owners manual and the needed paperwork to get it registered and pay the sales taxes here, it has a 30 day tag on it now and I will run the Neon, which is up for sale already.
      I’m now carrying more debt than I am comfortable with, but I am also paying down some of that high interest credit debt, but will keeep funds in checking until after the taxes and registration is paid for, then pay down more high interest dddebt

Winter blues and it's not even Thanksgiving yet!

     I had a really great summer, did a lot of riding, both on the Rebel and the Vespa, even went to a scooter rally and had an awesome 3 days down in St. Louis, playing and learning my way around.  So, I have no valid reason to gripe, it's not even really bad weather yet.
     I have a warm and dry house, a job that pays me enough to live on, plenty of fabrics and yarns to play with and all the needed tools for that play and then some.  So, I can sew and knit and enjoy my studio, my tech devices allow me access to the world and communications with others with similar interests and hobbies.
     There is food in the house, the parrots are being quiet, the dog is being good, at least right now and I am reasonably healthy, all my normal aches and pains are being reasonable, so I do realize just how fortunate I am.  But, I am not getting things done that I should be, a baby dress to finish up, before Alice outgrows it, tabi sock I am working on an working up the pattern and I need to get some work done on them, I am not happy with them and am already figuring out tweaks to my pattern, but I want at least part of the foot of each done before I start another pair and tweak that pattern some...toe area shaping ideas that will possibly improve the fit and the look...
     I have a doll dress cut out, still need to cut the bodice lining and then get busy sewing it, but I don't seem to get much done after work.  And I should be doing notes an research for the doll club talk I am giving this next meeting, which will be here very soon and I am not very ready.
     Finances are tight, and that's all my doing, I use credit when I should just NOT buy the non-essential 'goodie' that I am wanting, and I know that.  Some of the credit debt is from auto repairs, and that was needed at the time but very costly and not getting paid down or off very fast.  But the doll/yarn/tech debt stuff is absolutely me being very self-indulgent and I need to do far less of that and far more paying down debt and keeping a tight rein on my bad spending habits.
     It's late, I need to eat and get to sleep, 4:30 am comes very early and I actually do work hard at that job I have, that earns the money I spend on everything, from house payment to occasional candy and chips.   I need to count those blessings and appreciate more what a really good life I have and do a lot less grousing and grumping.

Damn thief at Work

.    That orange, short steel came from the prior employer, this plant has never stocked/used/had that color/size/type of sharpening steel--so whoever stole it today, after I moved from the bung table to get boxes for stomachs or to help finish packing the last of stomach production, took a very easy to identify piece of MY personal work equipment--getting caught with it could end their employment at the plant.  I was screaming mad when I was done and went to get my scissors guard and steel and found the steel, which was attached to that scissors guard, gone.  I reported and make sure 3 different 2nd shift kill/harvest supervisors were aware of what it was, how to identify it and who it belongs to, where it was stolen from and also the 2nd shift supply person, in case it gets turned in to them.
       We are short a lot of people, vacation, medical  and call in, so it was a long 11 hour day for me, my usual set up work, then to bung table to work there all day, then back to stomachs to help them finish up.  And the ex-husband's cousin had to keep telling me I was lying about taking the Rebel Saturday and going to St. Louis.  Stupid ass, there's no reason for me to lie about that, yes, I did run down there, breakfast at McDonalds, it was 47 degrees when I went to McDonalds and not up to 50 when I headed south out of town, past 'Dosh and down the old road, through Bluffs and a right turn to head west, over the drawbridge on the Missouri and through Detroit and then Pittsfield and over the Mississippi River and into Louisiana MO, head south on 79 and get gas, pout as the bridge out of town is being replaced, NO traffic allowed through, back to 54 and detoured to Bowling Green, county roads back to 79 and on south.   Gas again just before 79 blends into I70, east this time and watch for crazy cars, big trucks and the sign for 270 south, and down, Off at Page Street and hunt for the hotel I am booked at for the Missouri Loves Company scooter Rally in less than 2 weeks.  Found that and also found a sigh that read "caution, duck crossing".  And learned that a few blocks east on Page Ave I would find Waffle House. That solved my breakfast early worry, so off to find state highway 100, and Flying Tiger Motorcycle, our rally meet up/sign up location.  From there back west on 100/Manchester to Steak N Shake, which had free wi-fi, our up in this neck of the world do not.
Then to go find Knitorious and see what they have, drool, drool..came out with a beautiful skein of Ancient Arts sock yarn in a amazing brown--and generally don't buy brown yarns/fabrics/clothes.
Easy directions, just follow the same street I came down the other direction, it changes names and it would take me to I64, and gee, there is the Ikea store, I do know where I am!
On I64 east and over the river, turn off for state highway 3, the old road up along the river, and from 1 old road to another and on.  Gas again in Grafton and put the liner back in my summer jacket.  And head north on roads I know and love running.
    Gone about 11 hours, over 330 miles, about 4 gallons of gas, temps from 46 to over 80 and then coming back down to just above 70.  Hours of time alone, of feeling free, winding roads, sun and shadow, trees and old buildings, seeing part of the older St. Louis, just me, my ride and my peace and balance.   No, I don't lie about that, both bikes and my car were here at 8 am, and again were all here about 8:30 pm. But that little silver Rebel was long gone by 9 am, me and the Rebel and the road.
    I now can find that Red Roof in the night, and know where I can get breakfast at 4 or 5 am, I can find the Rally meet up location and feel that I will be safe alone at that hotel.  That was the reason for the trip, my stay is booked but I have time to change it if I was not comfortable with the hotel or the ride from there to the Rally meet up.
      And I don't lie about buying very expensive resin dolls or high priced yarns, I don't have to.  I pay my own bills, earn my own living and have been single for over 12 years now.  I don't answer to my adult children or any one else.  My life is mine to live my way, and that includes long solitary rides on the Rebel or my Vespa.  And it was a really, really great day.

August already?

     And I have no idea what happened to most of July---- but that central brick chimney is finally removed and I have a vent installed into the studio, not a lot of cool air but some and enough to make it livable up there, or at leas so I can sleep better at night.
     But our heat wave is over, for now, nights are dropping into the 60's and I put the insulated liner in the rain liner for my summer bike jacket, thought this morning that would be a good idea.  And I need to sew 2 patches onto the heavier jacket before it's cool enough to need it.  1 is from the St. Louis Zoo, the other was part of my birthday gift from Ben, he got me 2 patches from Girl Genius, an on line comic we both follow, so now I have Oggie to watch my back and Agatha will go on the other jacket.
     I don't know where my after work time went tonight, it's almost 9 already and time for bed....

Need to clean out 'junk'

    So, today I a charging up several rather worthless cell phones so I can try and wipe them and then drop them off somewhere that takes such things, small things but there is no reason for them to litter my house, as they are now 3...
     And I am doing similar sorting and cleaning out as I come across things, either use or get rid of for some stuff, way past time to do some of that sort of clean up work.  I don't need a bigger house or more storage room, I need to better use what I have and some of that means getting rid of what I need to get rid of.
     It looks like a hot and dry summer, we are not watering much here, Ben is now working and pays the city utility bill and has no reason to want to pay for grass that we then need to mow more often, and I need to pay off a medical bill that isn't in the budget so that will eat up any extra money I might have thought I had.  And I have credit debt that I absolutely need to work down as fast as I can, that interest isn't helping me get more financially stable.
     It looks like I am getting my autoimmune issues and sciatica under better management for now, any progress is positive, and I am accepting that my body demands more rest if I want to be able to stay employed any length of time, and with the debt load and with the house needing the work and money that takes, I need to work as long as I can, every week, every month, every year more is important.
     The Vespa is waiting for a part, some under warranty work, once the part is in, I will take a Saturday to run down, early to St. Louis and get the work done, and take the major, faster roads down, not the old river roads I enjoy far more that take longer to get there.  But what matters is having the work done and getting the scooter to the shop as early on that Saturday morning as I can.
     Life here is good, not perfect but very livable, I am terribly unhappy with our political situations which will not be getting better very fast and with the serious financial problems this state is in, and the fact that the problems are NOT being dealt with, which means the debt load grows by leaps and bounds....makes Illinois a place to move away from, to not come visit and to not consider moving to, not good for the state, and not good for those of us left living here.
     Well, it's time to go check on my laundry drying in the sun, saves running the dryer and heating up the house, the attic has been getting warm, way too warm to suit the dog, LOL, but it's not as bad as it could be, and we are slowly improving the energy efficiency of this old house.
   

Secrets, lies, things taken to the grave...

     My mother's sister is still living, so the fact that my grandparents lied to her and to my mother about adopting my older sister, myself and my younger brother is a lie that they took to their graves, and that I am still keeping secret.   Telling her there never was any adoption, no custody papers were filed that I could find records of, not in Michigan, where I was born, not in Colorado, where I was raised.  

     And she never knew I have curvature of the spine, it's genetic, it's a born with thing, and my grandmother was a very competent nurse, who was certainly close at hand when I was born, and raised me, had to know--but I just found out this month--and I turn 61 next month...  Another secret..one that genetically is passed on, as recessive, at least in my 2 younger sons, and I sure never noticed any abnormalities in my older 2, and hope if there were any, I would have been informed.

     But people still hide abnormalities, lie about 'defects' in themselves or their mates and children...  And back when my grandmother was growing up, those thing were hidden away, and when I was growing up, well, she sure didn't want any of us kids labeled 'crippled' or handicapped...  

     And it's never been a real problem, yes, I have known my spine is'weird' down where the crack of my bum starts, it's always been that way, and some seats in cars are miserable, as they sit me so that my weight is on those damn out of line bones, and after looking at the highway pegs and my Rebel, I know those pegs would shift my weight enough to put pressure on those blasted bones..no highway pegs...would love a longer stretch for my longish legs but it has to be a downward stretch, not forward.

     And that damage to my right leg/foot has me shorter on that side--so that tilts my pelvis, ya, right about where that blasted spine has it's kink.  And those bones are the ones that take the jarring when my feet slip and I land hard on my ass...  which all probably contributed to the arthritis from there down I now get to enjoy and that is about where that lovely sciatic nerve branches out to go down the legs, oh, you can see where this is going.....

     Learning all I can, figuring how all the parts go together, and what I might be able to do to have less problems and less pain is the long term goal.  Being annoyed at the long dead for their secrets is just something I get to deal with, work my head through and then go on with making my life work my way.

     And since I have 2 weeks of vacation, and plenty to do, and some great weather and 2 awesome bikes to ride, an old house needing work and plans, I will not spend much time with what the dead knew and took to their graves or trying to figure out why I was never told.

Already the middle of May

     I don't know how time goes by so fast and I seem to get so little done.  I keep working and keep paying bills, but everything else seems to be on a 'to do' list that I don't have the energy or time to get to.  Maybe it will get better but I am not betting any money on it.
     I am battling with some autoimmune disease issues and chronic anemic problems, joint pain and always being tired.   The old house projects are so far behind schedule, the sewing and knitting never gets done and the house needs a lot of cleaning.  But I do manage to get laundry done and usually put away.
     Jake has finally graduated college, history for his major and is working on going on to Army officer training, He has worked hard these past 4 years, both to support himself and with his classes, and a very long drive back and forth for the past 2 years for those classes.  Now, he's moving towards the next steps in his life and his future.
     Ben is living here, takes care of  things that need done and takes care of me on the days I seem to need someone to make sure I eat or get to bed.  He doesn't seem to have a direction or drive to chase much for his life and his future.
     I don't know what my life will be in the future, but I know I will make the decisions and it will be what I need and want far more than what someone else wants.  I spent way too many years of my life living to suit and please someone else and being often treated badly for the effort.  So, now it's my funny little life, in my funny old house, working my labor job in a pork processing plant and being the person that works best for me.
     Now, I will post this and at least I have managed to get that done, along with a lot of updates to Windows...and the laundry.
     Another work week to start and get through, another city utility bill to get paid tomorrow after work, the small things that are parts of my normal little life.

That old house progress

     Well, I've owned this place now for 12.5 years, lived in this house for 12 years, worked the plant for 14 years and I might be working on this place all my life.  But I am seeing progress on the attic expansion, the north/studio area only needs some painter's caulk around where the floor and walls meet, work around the windows and then trim and woodwork installed.  I am putting trim up on the south/retreat side, and have my doll nook almost done, a bit more caulk to seal up the wall/floor joint, touch up the paint and add some trim will finish that area up.  

    Today I washed up the tins that I bagged up in MO in 2004 and stored here.  I have now put some on the shelf on the quilt rack, that was a yard sale buy last summer, it needed a bit of work, and I painted it white.  I will fold a quilt over the bar on it today...

    The entire month has been gray and wet, February was nicer but  we don't get to pick the weather, we just find ways to cope with it.   I had the Rebel out in Feb., and hope to see both bikes out now that it's finally April.   

     Last year my entire tax refund and some paycheck money bought my little shop building, so the bikes have a winter home and I have moved the wood shop equipment out there.  And it's become storage too, someday I might get it cleaned up and tidy.

     This year the tax refund has gone on bills and into this old house, the new mattress and day bed for my retreat, the new lights, the trim and such.  But it's been a god investment, I know I have a long way to go, the front porch is next, and siding and eaves on the dormer, then the downstairs bedroom.  I will get as much work done as I can, but not add a lot of debt load.  What I put on credit has to be paid off before I can go on to the next project or I have to have the money.

     But I keep thinking I have a really good life and that's important

Bike shows and taxes

     I took a friend and we went up to Chicago Friday for a overnight play day.  A yarn shop visit and meal out, a stay at a nice hotel and then to the Motorcyle show.  Hundreds of bikes, lots of vendors, hundreds and more humans.  Some-ok, a lot of awesome show bikes, plenty of new bikes to look at, sit on , sign up for a ride or to buy.  Lots of walking and seeing and a new helmet that I needed.
     A trip to Ikea to look at beds for the attic retreat, which is not done yet but after looking on line I needed to see the actual day beds I was interested in to decide which would work best for my space and needs.  Great weather and a nice time.
      Today was mud work, drag the clean laundry out of the dryer and battle with my federal and state taxes, which are now done.  I did not owe IL taxes this year, they owe me a few $$ but very few.  Federal return is smaller than last year but I made more, so imagine that is some of that, higher income probably put me just over the line for higher tax bracket this year.
     We are having a mild winter still, and I am not griping about that, I still have a long way to go before this house is really energy efficient, but I do make some gains and a bit of progress every year.  Getting the attic expansion finished will help, insulation, siding and closing in the eaves on the dormer will gain some more but I think a lot of foam in the space between the insulation blanket and the house framing/foundation in the crawl space and utility area will gain me the most in the near future.
     But I know I have a good life and many blessings.  I whine some but I do realize just how good my life here is.  I know I do the work and make the choices to have that job and this house and all the other stuff, none of it came easily or free.  But yes, I do live in a good place, in a good country and am fortunate to be born here.
     I don't like the political problems right now and am not very sympathetic with those who voted for Trump and the Republicans when they start feeling the pinch from the policy changes.  Today it was someone I have known and cared for most of my life, and the subsidy that has helped keep diabetic testing strips affordable.  That was part of that government waste she wanted cut so bad, along with preventing abortion and making America Great again.
     Diabetes is one of the fastest growing diseases/health problems in America now, and the policy that helped keep those very needed testing strips more affordable was not something she thought about loosing with her voting choice, but I don't think it will be the only thing that changes and hurts her and many others. We will all suffer with the policy changes, while those making the changes profit and get richer.
     I don't like it but I also know that her choice and her vote helped take away that subsidy, from her and from everyone else that needs those testing strips, no matter what party or who they voted for.
     So, we can all suffer together, or we can stand up to our government and we can tell them that we do need an Affordable Health care plan, or a national health care plan, that we need to be more environmental, we need to work towards more renewable energy and get farther away from fossil fuels.  We need to have sensible immigration plans that work, we need to have refugee programs that work and we need to get a plan that helps bring the undocumented in this country out of the shadows and into being part of the legal work force and into having a reason to respect and work with the legal system.
     I think we are in for a few rough years, and it's not my idea of fun in my old age.
 

Old houses and attic conversions

     It was the summer of 2004 when I bought this house, and late August before I got possession, filthy, stinking and crawling with cockroaches. But is was once a solidly built cottage for a working family, in 1900.  And the framing was locally grown hard oak, the carpenters worked hard to build a good home.
     It's now January 2017 and I am seeing drywall on the south end of that attic conversion.  The north end got drywall finished and painted last winter.  I don't make fast progress but it is also paid for materials and my labor and that of my son Ben, for the most part.
     The north studio is a mess, but that is how it goes when you do renovations in a small house you are living in.  Everything moves from 1 space to another and back and around and gets dirty and drywall dust gets everywhere.  But it's improving and I have my lowest winter heating bill yet, despite gaining about 600 more square feet of living space.
     And I keep working in that pork processing plant, making a living, paying my bills and taxes and liking my life as a single woman in an old river town.  I live a good life, my own life and my way.  I am not happy with the newly inaugurated president but until he manages to get himself impeached, I guess we are stuck with him and with the Republicans doing all the damage to us they can.  And it looks like they will be doing a lot of damage to everyone but the very rich.
    And I will find a way to survive, and get by and keep living my life.  I will fight what I can, do what I can and hope we as a country survive the madness we seem to be descending into.

The end of 2016, the start of 2017

     Hard to believe that 2016 will be ending in just a few hours, it's just past 7 p.m. here in central IL, we (the plant) put in just over 8 hours today and I came home to play with the drywall mud in the south end of my attic project that seems never ending.  The north end got finished, except for trim work, last winter and this winter Ben is helping (some) me get the south end and the dormer/stair well done this winter.  I have 3 days off and 2 are paid, so I hope to get work done to the point of painting the southwest end and being able to move the plastic draping and all the stuff so the south east end can get finished.
     I am still dealing with the problems with the 401K rollover and Roth funds.  But most of the money has been sent to me, an 'interesting IRS issue' is now the current problem, like some idiot did not look over the check and paperwork before putting it into the Fed-Ex envelope and send it off to me.  Roth funds are post tax and taking out state and federal taxes again should have been easy to catch and correct--if someone whose job including looking over every detail of that--had actually looked it over....I did tell him to fix it and that I had no problem calling his boss's boss on his private work line to leave a message again--which I had already done, per his request, If there were any problems..the taxes out again and the check short was reason enough...
     But I am making old house progress again, and I am working down the debt load some, and have too many knitting projects going at the same time.  But my new winter tam will soon be done, using up some wools that were my mother's stash. I am slowly working on the re-knitting the sleeve to the purple gansey that Shadow damaged a long time ago.  1 of my new stockings has a heel, the other is ready for that, and then I work long, long legs.  But I also have yarn coming for a new sweater for me, and it will be here next week so I better get busy with a few other things.
     2017, wow, I remember when I was 17 and thinking that 2000 was so far off.  Now that's way in the past, that damnable car accident is almost 7 years past, me and this old house have been  making slow progress since August 2004, and I am getting old fast.  I am not happy about who won the Presidential election but we will see how that goes, Not a lot I can do about who has that position but I can sure raise my voice, write and keep track of what our elected and not working for us senators and congress are doing.
     JBS is a harder taskmaster, and they have changed how our clock/work time is figured, which has managed to short me for some of the time, every day that I am working.  I don't know if I will be able to get it corrected but I will now keep track of when I punch in and punch out and meet with the union if it does not get resolved.  It's not my supervisors doing, but corporate has some interesting ways of keeping a tight budget and a few other things.  We got out 1 day this week to have JBS work rules in print, pages and pages, on the hallway wall going out, in English, French and Spanish, and a lot of rules, and all are a 2 strikes and out the door, so any 2 can get you walked out...
     I had plans and hopes of those Roth funds doing more, going farther, paying down more debt but I won't complain about what I did with the money, some went into savings for my vacation plans, some went to pay on that iPad mini I wanted but did not need, so now owe under $200 on that account.  I bought a good floor jack and some other tools, and I bought some yarns, and paid on bills early.  And some bought the needed drywall for the attic project and that newest bucket of drywall mud.  It bought the car the $51 light housing for the center brake light so that can be fixed once it comes.
     And so far, I have not gotten me any new dolls for a while, but I have a lot of doll debt on my PayPal account that I had hoped to pay down with those Roth funds and that didn't get done.  But I am making some progress paying off debt, I know a lot of my Chase debt, both cards, are putting work on the car and truck on plastic, and a not trustworthy shop..  So now Ben and I are we did doing all the work we can,   We did the tie rods on the car an the windshield washer reservoir and will replace that light housing when the part comes, and we replaced brake lines on the truck and put new shocks on the front.  I did the valve adjustment on the Rebel this fall too.
     I don't want to be mean or nasty, but part of my life being so good is my being single and not dating and owning my own life and my time.  My finances are more stable, my emotional health is far better and I am happier.  I like this old  house, despite all the work and money it has taken and it still needs and I like where I work, the town I live in and who I am.  Life without some man wanting my time, trying to control my life or money is very workable for me.   Yes, it has drawbacks but I will keep the drawbacks and stay single and happy.

Winter is Coming

     And not just in Game of Thrones, it seems to be hitting Illinois now too.  The wind chimes on the front porch sing all night, the wind howls and I am so glad to have done as much work as I have gotten done to make this old house more weather tight and energy effective.
     But life here is pretty good, I've been single for over 11 years now, have not been dating anyone for about 3 years, maybe longer, it just really doen't seem important.  I am really liking my life, who I am and what I am doing, most of the time.
      There is nothing wrong with being in a relationship, making that work, but I've really done badly at it and now, I'm 60, and I can enjoy the single life without feeling I owe it to someone to let them take up my very valuable off work time with their wants and needs and demands.
      Winter plans are for lowering debt, getting more interior work done here in the house and better order to my chaos, and plan for and save up for a vacation up to Canada, about 520 miles each direction, not counting all the play I do, for the Mad Bastard Scooter Rally, being held in London, Ontario Canada in late June.  I will need wet riding gear, a passport, a map of where all the yarn shops are between here and there I want to visit--  and my old truck, my new Vespa and I will, all by ourselves, make my very first trip out of the country, my very first real vacation.
      And I am still not happy with who our President elect is, or all the hate and anger and racism this long and ugly campaign season has brought out, or all the nasty attitudes it seems to have opened the doors to.  But I am vowing to stand up against such, every where and every time it rears it's ugly head, including at my place of work, a very racially mixed, immigrant heavy location, and that mix of people suits me well.
     And I am still battling with Windows 10 and Microsoft, and my silly iPad refuses to let me use my blogger app to post on either of my blogs.  But knitting is going nicely at the kitchen table while I use the iPad to watch Netflix and The Crown, my current knitting entertainment.
     I am considering my managing to escape several things to be a God given blessing, and I am now starting to remind myself to take my own advice-don't rise to the bait if you don't want to be the fish- especially when it comes to stuff on Facebook.
      Yes, it is a rather solitary and self centered life, but I am solitary by nature, most of the time, and I am paying for that self-centered life with my own hard work and earnings, which are mine, then, to do with as I see fit or want to.  I don't owe it to anyone else to make their life better, easier, nicer, happier and I don't expect them to do that for me either.
      If it suits me to do things for someone else, that is my right and my choice.  I do get to pick who I let into my small. personal life and time and who I will do things for, spend money on and so forth.  That again is my right, and being related by blood does not make any obligations.
       And now it's time to eat my breakfast and head to the plant for a 8+ hour Saturday once again.  

Busy life

     I tried to start this several weeks ago on my iPad and had problems so nothing was posted.  Now I am trying again with my laptop but also chasing a doll sale on line, trying to clean up my attic north end, the sewing area, my current sleeping area and get started with finishing drywall work on the south end.
     I spent the summer playing when I was not at work, the old house got no work done, no doll sewing was done, not much knitting was worked on but I put about 3000 miles on 2 small motorcycles and really enjoyed my off work time.
     So, now that the plant is working 6 days a week, and bike riding season is about gone, I will try and deal with the attic disaster/mess, the south end not being a finished area, not enough time, hurting a lot and needing a place to sew.  Today is the start-and Ben is still living here o I do have help at hand, and I can afford any needed materials with all the overtime we are making!
     This old house is important to me, it's my home, my shelter from the weather, and from the world, my sanctuary from all the ugliness out there some days.  But, since I live here with just my parrots, dog and occasionally a son, and I don't have much company/visitors, it is easy to just put off or avoid all the work that needs done to have a weather tight, easier to keep clean, looks nicer in the eyes of others, home.
     So, this summer I put a lot of miles in riding, on my 2008 Rebel which I've owned 4 years now, and I traded my small Honda Metropolitan in for a Vespa LXV 150ie, which was new, fuel injected and runs like a dream.  We've spent the last 2260+ miles getting to know each other.
     I've gone on 2 different runs with people from the St. Louis MO area, both times to Hermann MO, the first was with people working for or who have also bought 'rides' from Moto Europa, the shop in St. Louis where I bought my LXV.  Much bigger, faster, more powerful bikes but I had a great ride and proved that little 150cc LXV could really and that I could ride.  The most recent run was with 30 DSG out of the St. Louis area, a scooter group.  And it was the coldest ride I have made, so I learned I could do that 57-67 degrees stuff but sure would dress warmer next time and my chaps would be on me, not at home.
     Now, it's November, the day is sunny and nice and I am staying home, the laundry is done, I am started working on the south end of the attic area and my little bed now has clean sheets and the quilt is on the bed, still not tidy or tucked in but at least that is started.
     And I will work on cleaning up and making some order here in the north sewing area so I can gt some needed sewing work done, before the doll club meeting and before the Doll Club Christmas party the very first Sunday in December, which is now less than a month from now.
     The Presidential election this year has become a very ugly campaign season, I have a lot of concerns about this election and who is running, neither candidate is a really good choice but 1 is a far worse choice than the other.  But the hate and ugly attitudes that have come out all over the country, including in my place of work have e wondering how we, as a nation, can recover and men those torn down fences and walls.  Hate, once turned loose, is very hard to get caged back up once again.  But I can refuse to be a part, and I can work to keep my heart and soul in good order, to avoid people filled with this ugly hate, racism and nasty attitudes.
     I have made some really poor, crappy, stupid choice in my life,and have worked hard to fix the mess and problems.  It has taken me a long hard walk in life to have this life I live, and I keep working to keep it the life I want and I like.  I keep a job and I keep my bills paid, My credit rating is good, not excellent but I can live with good credit.  I don't need excellent credit, and i am working on paying down that long term, high interest debt I have built up on those damn credit cards I have been too careless with.  My debt, my decisions and my job to pay them down and accept paying that money eating interest while I work those debts down.
      There are no words that really explain how I feel, where I am at with my life, and so I will just say that this life works well for me and I am content.  Or I am able to do what I want when it matters, I can afford what really matters to me and no one else runs my life or makes my decisions and I am not making decisions to make someone else happy.
     When I was a young woman I lived my life to make a young man happy, all decisions were based on what he wanted and what worked for him and what pleased him.  Today I can honestly say that he is part of why I can ride a motorcycle as well as I do.  Because he made me learn to ride the bike and not the brake.  His pushing me, his criticism made me learn a skill that I use and enjoy now and has others complimenting me on.  Now, he's a burned out, discontent, petty and lives a poor and miserable life.  His choices have created that life, and all the best of the man he was back when I was 17-20 are, as far as I can see, the parts he threw away or wasted.
     But the best of what he taught me is part of the good parts of me, of the woman I am, of the life I enjoy.  My choices, my decisions and my taking my life back from him and his influence and becoming smart enough to finally just stay away from him.  He's not around to watch and say, with pride, "I taught that gal to ride when we were both young and crazy."  That's a bit sad, but it's also how life goes, people need to be cared about, appreciated, important and when getting stoned is more important than a relationship with someone, in time, if they are smart, they go away and never come back.
     Gifts are sometimes the skills we help others learn, my life is so much richer from the skills someone cared enough to teach me, pushed me to learn, forced me to help them so I learned on the job.  I carry that with me, the memories, both good and bad, and I use those skills for so many things, from cooking to knitting to working on my own vehicles and my 'rides'.  I am a better person for those skills but some came at rather high prices and I spent a long hard time emotionally paying for those skills.
     Yes, I have sympathy for those with problems, but I know those problems had some help getting in their lives, choices, we just have to make choices, it's part of being humans, and you can't always see where that choice will lead you or what it might bring into your life.  But each of us has to work on our own roads and life, I can't live my children's lives, or the lives of their children.  I can't and sure don't want to live the lives my coworkers have.  It's not a shoe that fits me, and not what works for me, some have really solid, good lives, some don't.
     So, here I sit, the first drywall mud is on in the baseboard heater area, the fan is going, Ben helped me get up the plastic sheeting to close off the south attic area so drywall dust won't filter through the entire house, or at least make it harder for that to happen.  And I will keep the power off on the attic baseboard heaters until the 1 on the south end is back on that wall.  That means the drywall area finished, primed and painted.  Both heaters are on the same breaker so having 1 off the wall and not safely usable means having both shut off.  Yes, incentive for me to get off my lazy bum and get the work done today.  I don't have to do a huge area, but I will do the immediate area and do it correct and so it looks nice before that heater is attached where it belongs and the power back on.  I have a couple small plug in heaters and 1 is running now here on the north end, to keep this space tolerable for me to be in.