looking at land...

Well, it's been 3 weeks since the last surgery and I wore sneakers today and went to look at 20 acres that are for sale...grass and weeds and a blank canvas I could do a lot with. Cornered on 2 black top roads, not a bad drive into Beardstown or to Cargill for work.
And the foot is making progress, better progress than my bone dr. and I expected..I am not yet dancing but I am sure walking better and I expect to be down at the Y walking and riding the stationary bike within a week.
I don't feel I will be ready for Cargill and 8+ hour work days, 40+ hours a week by Aug. 5, my next dr. appointment but I am feeling like there is a good chance I will be going back to my supply clerk job before fall has really set in..hope, pray..work hard at it.
And I have some doll outfits ready to do a photo shoot and then put up for sale at 1 of the on line doll groups I am in. It would be great if some or all of them sold, I can always make more clothes for my dolls, LOL, sell what they are wearing and make more and put them up for sale..that would be fun and make a bit of play $$$.
I do have plans to buy land or a place out of town with some of my settlement money and invest the rest in long term stuff that will pay me an income, and then re-invest that If/while I am earning that Cargill paycheck. I want some place to build a small farm.market garden and a life I really like with more privacy and space.
It won't be easy, and it will be my place and my decisions alone. Unless someone is willing and able to invest financially the same amount of money I put in, it stays just mine....and at this time Mike is struggling to pay his bills on time and keep his truck and trailer licensed. He has back income tax return to file and pay income taxes, he might have debts from his marriage with Annette to deal with so I am not willing to gamble my settlement, or paycheck or credit on anything that is not on solid financial grounds.
I have worked hard for years to have what I do have here, and I have made some really bad choices in the past and learned some hard lessons from them. I will not be putting my name on any joint bank accounts, and I will not invest any money into anything that is not already a solid and profitable business.
Buying a home with some land out of town with some of my settlement funds is not the same, it is a home and garden that I cannot turn this small property into. And it will not be an 'us' or 'we' thing. My vehicles are mine, not 'community' or 'family' propety, and while I am willing to 'share' my home and bed with a man I do care about, I am not doing any partnership or giving that same man much 'vote' or input into what I decide to buy, how I decide to invest and that list goes on.
We are both in our 50's, with grown children and past marriages/relationships. I don't expect someone to support me, to pay my bills or take care of me. I also am not willing to support them, or pay their bills or take care of them.
There will not be any vacations, trips to Europe or other places that I pay for, unless I am going alone and it's my earnings that I have saved up for that trip..my settlement is not going for such foolish things. I don't plan to buy what I do not want to have, and I do plan to have my life run the way I like it. Being able to support myself gives me the right to be my own boss, and if some man wants a 'partnership' he will have to be a true partner, that means both financially and work wise. And that means being able to put both the $ and the work in before he gets much of a vote.
I'm thinking a geo-dome for a house, and no huge whirlpool bath tub, whirlpool, maybe, but not huge. I am seeing a lot of money and work in planting trees for windbreak along property lines on the west and north, and fencing along the property line, I want to know where my lines are and I want others to know also...
Look into wind generators, solar power, sand points and solar power for that along with electric back up.
It will take a machine shop/garage and a green house, a very small tractor and some equipment and a green house. A lot of planned out irrigation and water lines laid out and a raised road bed into the property, and power and phone lines.
So, now I have 2 places on my list for potential places to settle into, and I have a foot that is feeling more like it just might make it back to Cargill and give me back some of that life I worked so hard to build here.
And I have a start at that dream of mine for selling my own label doll fashions, some hand work on a few things and some photos and I will have be putting BERNADETTE'S CLOSET out there for others to see, and hopefully buy...
I will honestly say I do feel Mike has a lot of work to do with his trucking business, at this time he will stay based in Utah, and I am ok with that. But we do not have much of a relationship with living over 1000+ apart,and we are not building much of one any time in the future. It's just not possible.
That does not mean I am 'dumping' things, but I am being practical and realistic about things. Dreams are nice but they do not fix leaking roofs, put groceries in the house, keep the heat bill paid in the winter, the phone and internet service paid for.
I do think Mike will be able to pull his trucking business out of the hole it happens to be in right now, but I already invested money in that business when I was out west with him this spring while I was still in the cast. Now, it's up to him to take care of his business and I will work on what I need to do here.
I have a lot of paperwork to keep dealing with, and bills here to keep track of and keep paid. A garden that needs a lot of hours of hard work to clean out the grass and plum trees that need picked and cleaned up. I have sewing work I want to get done and knitting projects to take care of. And the therapy program my doctor and I agreed will work best for my and my foot.
So, both of us have some very seperate responsibilities to be working on and taking care of. He will be out here when he can make it out this way, not to relocate at this time but he hopes to be soon hauling out this way now and then.
It's not perfect but it can be workable for both of us as long as we both understand our lives are seperate and will be staying that for for the forseeable future.
This accident has changed how I look at the future, and what I see long term for my life and direction. My 'roadmap' for life was torn to shreds and now I am looking at working out a new roadmap and direction. And it does need to be my decisions and what I feel/know will work for me long term.
And I do not feel it is selfish to be firm about some things, it's not 'our' place as long as I am the 1 who has paid for the land, the house construction, the improvements, and so forth. I do not look at Mike's truck and car hauler as 'ours', in fact I do not want any part of it. It's not a good financial investment and if I want to throw away money I will buy a lottery ticket or another doll for my doll collection, shoes for my dolls, patterns to sew with...