Middle of December?

     Riding season went far too fast, fall flew by and winter is starting to feel long and cold.  But I still have the entire house to myself, at least as far as human inhabitants go.  And for the most part, I really like it.  The entire attic space is mine!  My looms and weaving are in the south end right now, and need more attention and the sewing is several works in progress in the north end.
     The job change in plant has me coming home with more energy and less pain so I’m getting a bit done on some project almost every day and I’m happier.  I will not claim the house is any cleaner but it’s quieter and that works well for me.
     We are seeing a little more overtime this fall than we had last year, and I am enjoying that.  Bills paid on time or early, extra paid on credit debt and some play money.  Right now sewing seems to get that money, and I have a wish list for this coming paycheck.
     Jake calls, he’s settling in well and he and his dad have a ‘tiny house’ now.  An old school bus that someone else started as a mobile tiny house and Jake and Sam now are living in and working on.  And enjoying being up in the high country Colorado.
     Ben is still at the truck wash, has a gal pal living with him and is working on the old truck, right now it’s a fuel pump problem.  He seems to be doing well and staying self supporting which really matters to his mother.
     I am working on some ‘head’ issues now and then, old memories, old choices, things I cannot change, and others whose choices were not my doing and I’m not willing to accept any guilt for their bad results.  There are no ‘do overs’ in life, and no parent makes all the right choices and does everything ‘right’ all the time.
     I do care about all 4 of the children I gave birth to, and want them to have lives they like and that work for them.  What they have done for years is their decisions and their choices and their roads to walk.  I accept that and have learned to live with the distance between myself and the older 2.  They have the right to have no relationship with me, and I am ok with that, it’s not my choice but I can live with it and make my life work.
     I spent last week sad, walking through memories of 40+ years ago, and my life then, my daughter then.  A blonde haired, brown eyed baby Sasha baby doll, a hard fall, a long way from family and no friends, loss of a planned pregnancy, the loss of my much loved grandpa, a very rocky marriage and sewing for a doll shop, sewing for a Christmas gift for that child who turned 4 that Thanksgiving.  My bright spot in my life was my daughter, she was my world and everything I did was to give her the best possible life I could.  I made some really not workable choices, not her fault and not really mine, too young, too far from solid good advice, too much of the wrong advice, too afraid to stand my own ground, to stand up for myself.
     I can’t change that, and I will send this EBay bought doll on to raise funds for either the Sasha conventions or for UFDC, once she has a nice wardrobe and I’ve gotten through the sad and blues days.   And my sewing and creativity is again bringing me joy and happiness, small things, small dolls and my skills and ability, and having a really great work space.