Storms and surgery..

Well, I thought surgery was rough, then life got rougher when a storm rolled in late Monday night and took out the power, a lot of trees, the roof from an apartment building, and made a mess of town. My power was out from about 3 am Tuesday until about 8:30 p.m. Tuesday but we didn't have a lot of storm damage here, tree limbs down at my neighbors, some smaller stuff down here and I still have a lot of small twigs and branches to clean up that came from nieghboring trees but it will be there later too.
This surgery go-round I have had a lot more pain but the foot is tolerating some weight today so that is making me hurt less using the walker. I am very out of shape, just ask all the places from my waist up that hurt from using that walker, and it's only been a day or 2..heal, heal, please--foot heal fast.
I got the insurance form back from my dr. that I left there Monday before the surgery and now it has to go to Cargill to be filled out by them and I will do that tomorrow. I have an appointment in Springfield with the company for this supplimental income insurance and that is my next Monday project. And I have everything organized and in the insurance file I am packing around now days.
Outside is very hot and humid but with all the rain I will say my plants are looking great, they came through the storm very well, the plum trees didn't even loose much fruit.
And I got the policy for our disability insurance at the plant, and it clearly states 18 weeks of disability so I am short 4 weeks and if the plant and union have not cleared that up by next Friday I am going to get an attitude. After 24 weeks of this accident recovery and the ton of insurance paperwork I have dealt with and the fact that that insurance has had the same forms filled out and turned in about half a dozen times now, yes, I am tired of dealing with it, I am owed the remaining weeks, get them paid NOW.
Since the power was out all over town McDonalds was closed and Julie came over early to 'Maggie' sit so Ben could help with clean up for my elderly neighbors. We got a sundress made for her Betsy doll and it went home in her pocket. She will be my driver Friday to get my lost wages check so that lets Ben have less on his shoulders. It will be cooking hot but I know once the insurance bugs are worked out and I get the monies owed I will have the funds for the air cond. repairs on my truck and have that done.
I do like the sundress pattern I drafted up and think it will work well for the 14 inch dolls but have not tried it with the Kish dolls but might get 1 done soon. It works up fast and can be done with a lot of different skirt options.
Well I need to get something more done here than blog...

Surgery update

Ouch and more ouch, I think I hurt more from this surgery than from the first one. And this time I have bled through the bandaging, and soaked the gauze pad that was put over that. I am on bedrest until Wed. and then I can be up as foot will tolerate it and it can support weight as it will tolerate. I cna also redo the dressing as I feel need, as of Wed. so that is a plus too.
I will not know what I have really gained for several weeks, some bone was removed from beneath a tendon and also the broken edge that has been a pressure sore problem.
When the heel bone was broken it was not the 'usual' downward/flat force breaking it. The foot was most likely broken by the brake peddle being shoved up, which shoved some of those broken pieces up as it broke the bones.
Since they could not be put back where they belonged, I now have a rather wierd heel bone with a jut out on 1 side..that is where the trimming was done..If it could have been put back where it came from, I would have far less problems, my heel is now very wide and slopes a lot to the outside edge. And that is only part of the reasons I have gait and pain issues that might be life long. I have been dealing with the pain without any meds, including over the counter, most of the time, so hope to continue that.
We, my dr. and sons, friends, myself, all hope that this surgery also helps improve my gait but the dr. and I are both aware it might not change that at all.
I hope to get all the paperwork for the supplimental income insurance ready and as they have an office in Springfield, I hope to be able to take it there when I go pick up my lost wages check from State Farm. That way I can make sure they have everything they need or want or get a list of the additional information they need. This insurance was 1 of the union sponsered things and I had signed up for it a month before the accident and thought it only covered if I was out due to illness. It doesn't pay me much per hospital/outpatient time nor does it pay me much per week but we are now at week 24 so that is a lot of weeks of back pay I am due...and hopefully I will get it filed for and see the check in a reasonable amount of time.
I know things with this accident could have been far worse and for the most part I do appreciate all of that. I am working on several different 'life plans' so that I have some ideas and some groundwork for something other than Cargill Supply clerk, if that is a short lived future or a job I cannot go back to at all.
A very large settlement from State Farm will be well invested, I am already doing some of the advance work for having several 'baskets' for several nest eggs. And I am looking into what all I can/would be able to do to earn a living IF I cannot do it standing on my feet for all or most of an 8 hour shift.
Job/education is an option I am willing to consider, it might be what is in my best interest long term and I know there is oppertunity for that education here in town, in Jacksonville and in Springfield..the gas costs will make me cry unless I do buy a very gas thrifty vehicle..but it's worth looking into....I have to have several options for a way to make a living, for a future I can like to be content.
Well, post this and then check past posts for typos....

Geting ready for surgery--again...

Looking at that truck makes me think the foot doesn't look so bad after all, at least it has improved a huge amount and my much loved little red truck has been hauled off for scrap long ago..
I have had a black Justy, a silver Accent and now a Red Mazda totalled, think I need a tank with cow catcher on front, sides and back....will settle for taking for the little gold truck and being glad I have transportation for now.
The weeds and grass are mostly gone from the garden and it will be a week or so before plums are ripe, but some are staring to turn. It will be a couple days before there are more squash and cucumbers to pick so I should be back in the garden before too much has happened there--so I hope.
Looking at dolls, and someone's new dress for their Kish, looks really nice, dropped waist dress with pretty ribon at waist, and on the Creamcicle doll with her lovely red hair...don't have 1 and they are going on E-Bay for more than I will/can pay....
Got most of the insurance paperwork started, am glad for insurance that makes the house payment and also the supplimental income stuff that I forgot about and am now starting that paperwork and will hopefully see the check for the back 23+ weeks come soon after they get all my paperwork..it's something we could get at a special price due to the union and I took it out about a month before the accident and was thinking it only covered if I was out of work due to illness, I know that has always been my worry, getting really sick and missing several weeks of work....
The current socks for Jake are going fast, will soon be putting heels in and then doing those long, long legs....his box is ready for mailing except for the customs paperwork, didn't know it took customs paperwork to ship stuff to a Marine on a US boat wth a bunch of Navy and other Marines..will get experienced, box has a pair in it so need it sent before this pair is done...
No food or drink after midnight--no tea to start my morning..I will be sad and missing my tea before that surgery time....Ben and I should eat in town before we come home...that and gas in the car are on the budget....
I do count my blessings here, know I have a lot to deal with but day by day I manage to do what needs done, and if I am not making progress with building savings or working down the list of old house jobs, I am seeing good progress with the landscaping. It's sweat equity more than $$ so that has helped and all the rain has mad it easier for my new plants and divided plants to settle in well.
I should be able to work on some sewing projects while I am again off my feet, have a sun dress pattern I am working on, think I need to go ahead and cut it out and see about fitting it to the doll and get a dress made up...it's 1 I think Julie will like and find easy to work with. She's going to finish the dress she has been working on and next I want her to learn to do gathered skirt to bodice and so the sundress would work for that and be simple.....plus that would give me a reason to get busy and work with the pattern..
Animal Planet is tonight's entertainment, Ben is asleep already, think this having a girl friend is hard on his sleep, he seems to spend time up with her and then is dead beat when he returns home...here people do not get to stay up all night and sleep during the day...

SSI

A couple friends of mine draw SSI, a friend of my friend Popeye draws it, 1 of the gals in 1 of my on line doll groups finally got approved..so it's something I know a bit about, not a lot though.
Here in the USA I get a statement from Social Security telling me what I have paid in, what my social security will be per month if I retire at 66, 70 and 62, what I can now draw for SSI benefits if I become disabled, what they pay out for death benefits, you know, that sheet you look at and then file or toss away.
So, now I wonder about that knitting blogger on the other side of the Missouri River whose blog I read and even now and then post a comment. She had a job that should have earned her far more SSI than I could draw if I have to start drawing it now, and with it comes qualifying for medicare, so now I have to wonder about 1 of her recent posts..about no income because she cannot work at this time, about the high costs of her therapists and all her medications....
My thinking is that she should be drawing SSI and medicare, which means those high $$$ numbers she put in her blog just might not be accurate, and that she is financially far better off than I am right now. I won't be sending any yarn gifts or buying her art. She's able to buy her own and is living with a man, her ex, who probably earns far more in 1year than I do in 2 or 3 years..
She's painfully shy but wears things out in public that scream "look at me". I don't know anyone who actually hates attention that willingly wears clothes that make them noticable out in public. And if going out of the house is so hard, I have to wonder how she managed the train trips I know she has taken in the past year or so, long train trips on trains full of strangers....
I'm a bit shy, not as bad as I was as a child or teen, I've worked hard to push myself to be more social, to talk to people and I do realize that no one is looking at me to find faults all the time, most of the time, no one is going to hurt or laugh at me..I'm no longer the shrinking wall flower I was at 14 or 5..good thing.
I will still read her blogs, and realize that someone who is or claims they are, seeing several different shinks, is on several strong anti-depression meds just has issues that are theirs alone, she's going to take things far more personal than they really are. But, since she can't work out her own head problems and get control of her life, be able to be self supporting, I don't see me looking for any support there, especially emotional support.
And I don't make phone calls often, don't have long distance service as I so rarely need it, a calling card from ATT works for that..minutes never expire and Jake is now out of reach so sure aren't calling his cell to gab with that boy. So, no, I sure would not call someone I do not know personally to get emotional support in dealing with this blasted life changing accident.
But I am tweaked that something so small as my size 7.5 foot could take control of my life and my future. I've always worn good shoes, tried to take good care of those feet that have to support all the rest of me, that take me where I want to go..you know, all that 'foot' stuff...
And now, 1 foot and the damage that has been done to is has changed my life, forever...rotten luck, but then I could have been far worse hurt, just look at my little red truck. And the driver at fault had great insurance that is being very responsible..yes, it could have been far worse...Ben and Tamara were with me and were not hurt very badly, Yes, God did take very good care of me..
I have some anger issues some days, some depressed, moody days, and I also am finally going through menopause so can blame that for some of the mood issues...
But I don't need a shink to get through this, or pills to help me cope..I do have a very solid faith in God, and some very solid friends that tolerate me on my really bad days, celebrate with me on the really good days and just are really HERE for me...even when I shut them out for a while.
Ya, I will still read her blog, but now with a different view point than I had at 1 time....it's amazing how her funny postings years ago were great and now too often her postings are ravings that just are not worth my time..and I really do manage to have plenty to do with my 'off work from acident' time...big garden to chase weeds and grass in, flower beds to do the same in, doll outfits to make, doll outfits to design and create patterns for first..knitting, friends I spend time with and church I need to be getting ready to head for....

Garden Produce!!

The first cucumbers and squash came out of the garden today and Ben and his gal pal helped some with the weeding project. I should have it about cleaned up before my surgery and my back to walker and keeping foot elevated...I will not be down long but with all our rains the weeds and grass grow fast.
And if it wasn't rain, I would be watering my garden and the weeds and grass there would still be taking over. It's an annual battle here that got worse with all the seeds in the compost I bought from the plant compost..loads more grass and weeds but it also helped my little sand lot..and all those weeds and grass are going to compost too..just not in my garden.
Monday insurance paperwork goes with me to leave at my dr.s office, the monthly form that gets my mortgage payment made and the new form for the supplimental income insurance--that I didn't think about until I found the policy--in the doll patterns I had been working on just before the accident..good thing Julie has gotten me working on that pile of patterns...the payment per week is not a lot, and it pays $50 per hospital day/outpatient surgery but since I didn't get it started when the accident happened they will pay up the back 23+weeks, the $150 for the hospital stay and 2 outpatient surgeries..so I will have the $$ to have the air cond. in my turck fixed and maybe even pay off my Victoria's account...and my property taxes this year...
I got 1 pair of socks done and in a box to ship off to that Marine son and I have another pair almost to the heel, they are going fast, light gray with re-inforced heels and toes..knit toe up and when I run out of gray the socks get black tops. It makes a lot faster knitting and more enjoyable for Mom.
Talked to Mike on Skype tonite, we've not done that for a long time, nice to see his face but he was playing cards with his family so it was a distracted conversation.
Well, I have early church so it's past time to get everything shut down and get some sleep...

Good Weekend

I had a good weekend, Ben went to spend time with his gal pal so I had the place to myself. Did some more work on the battle with weeds and grass in my garden, did a bit of movie watching and knitting and did some sewing. And even found time to take photos of some of my dolls in my front border. The dolls are all by Kish & Company and the girls are all wearing dresses from Bernadette's Closet, my label..my designs and my work...
Sunday starts with breakfast at McDonalds and then off to church in Rushville, and Sunday School, I attend the early service...
We had rain off and on, I was able to sit out on the front porch and do handwork during some of it..I am hoping someday to have a bigger porch and far more privacy than my busy city street for that sitting on the porch and watching the rain stuff.
Today my pal Julie was here to keep me company and work on sewing projects, she is learning some sewing skills and working on doll outfits for a doll I gave her several years ago. The great thing about learning to sew doll clothes is IF you mess up, not much loss in materials if you toss it out..and lots smaller when it comes to hand work, a hem turned up by hand on my skirts is far more time and work than a hem on a small doll dress...Julie is learning fast and a lot of fun to work with.
We've had enough rain for a while, I would like to get the weeds and grass cleaned up in the garden before June 21 and my next surgery on my foot. I will be back in the walker and unable to walk for several days, possibly as long as 2 weeks.
Mike and I talked on the phone, no news there, we talk every day--but he hopes to be moved out here in 4-6 weeks. I hope so, I can live with that schedule. And Ben will take me to surgery and Julie is going to ask where she works for July 6 off so she can take me for my appointment to get the staples out and then we can do the 'girls in town' fun.
And I found paperwork for some insurance I took out in December, payments come out of my checking automatically and that should pay me some for this accident, $ each time I am in the hospital, $ each outpatient surgery and $ per week I am off week. So, I have been in hospital, and have had 1 outpatient surgery, 1 coming up and have been off work because of this accident for something like 20+ weeks...the claim paperwork is being mailed to me..and I will get it filled out, all the copies of medical stuff made and it back ASAP...and hope for a big check that will hopefully go pay down some of that high interest credit debt that has built up with this accident...know I would sure feel better if I could drop some of the debt load, even if it's just a small amount.
This accident has been very hard on me, financially, emotionally as well as physically...

Kish kids in my flowers

About that accident

Bo, if you find time to read my blog, everyone who does read my blog..I am posting a photo of that little red truck I liked so much. This was taken about 5 days after the accident on 1/14/2010. My son and his gal pal were with me and both had very minor injuries. Most of me got off lucky, but my right foot/ankle recieved permanent damage. I am walking and I have surgery #2 on 6/21/2010. I might never be able to return to that supply clerk job I love so much, that employment that gives me a good standard of living, good medical benefits and retirement pension.
I read a blog that at times makes me wonder just how self centered any/all of us get at times. I hope I don't sound like I need/want everyone to be there for me..but, if you read my blog, just once, would you please say you do realize I am not having a perfect life..and that the problems in your life just don't always hit me as so terribly bad.
I do understand that being shy and depression--but I don't drown my fears, worries, or anything else in a bottle or takes chemicals to 'adjust' my brain chemestry. My problems are not brain/body chemestry--well, menopause can get some blame for a bit--but I do know I have the ability to cope and deal with my issues and problems.
Yes, this accident has changed my life, permanently..not just my right foot and my walk...emotionally, financially, physically--it's all been torn apart and I have to rebuild.
Very little will ever be the same, even sitting at my sewing machine and sewing has new challenges, washing the dishes, mowing the lawn..the life I had before 9:30 p.m. Jan. 14th of 2010 is gone and nothing I can do, nothing anyone can do will give me back all of that life.
There's no one going to pick up the pieces or pay the bills..yes, there will be an insurance settlement and IF I am fortuante I will eventually be able to return to that job I miss so much and am really good at.
If I am unable to do that job--I will cry and then start figuring out what pieces I do pick up and how I rebuild my life and world. It won't be the same as the 1 I had, it won't be the one I dreamd and thought I was working toward--but it will be mine and I will manage.
I am slowly cleaning the weeds and grass out of my garden, it's not the garden I had last year but it is a garden and the plum trees are loaded. I am seeing progress on those flowerbeds I have put 5 years now into building, growing, nuturing.
And I am teaching a close friend to sew, and how to adjust and fit doll patterns to her Betsy McCall doll. That doll was my Christmas gift to her years ago, came in just underware so Betsy has been waiting a long time for Julie to start that wardrobe.
So, I don't make jewery or knit wild and unusual things but I do still play with dolls and I do own my own label and I will still work on getting that label known in places where doll lovers go looking for clothes for those dolls I do sew for.
I am not the woman I was before the accident, I don't know who I am becoming right now. I think the butterfly has a better life change. But I cannot change what has happened, I can work on how I deal with it and what I do, what decisions I make.
I thank God daily for all the many, many blessing in my life, they are countless..but I also acknowlege that I have some anger issues, more moodiness, and a lot harder view and attitude. And I know that hard view and attitude are what has gotten me through the pain filled days and nights, the isolation my injuries have created. And it will help me make wise long term decisions financially and emotionally as I rebuild myself and my life in the coming months and years.

June is here and going fast

Time is flying--or I don't make time to blog..but the garden is growing and I am working to catch up with the weeds and grass there. The flowerbeds are looking good this year so far, it's great to see what all has really settled in well and is thriving.
The roof leaks worse than it did this time last year..but some day I will have a new roof.
The foot is making little progress at this time but I have another surgery to trim/smooth some rough bone edge that is causing pressure sore problems and a lot of pain so I am really looking forward to that and hoping it helps with not only pain but also wearing shoes and walking with less pain and less gait problems.
I am working to keep finances in better control and deal with my debt load and not do as much wasting money. There are a lot of responsibilities on my shoulders and I will continue to deal with them and take care of them.
Right now I am working on taking care of my life and my issues/problems, including this accident and all the waves it has created in my life, both emotionally and financially. I do know I am not able nor am I willing to take on the problems or responsibilities of someone else, no matter who it is or how I feel about them. My ability to cope is limited and I am accepting those limits, just cannot streach or give as much as I could even 6 months ago.
I know I have to be very carefull and invest the settlement when I get to that place, I do know now there is no way I will be working all the years I had planned to before this accident, my foot problems are going to create a lot more stress on my knees, hips and spine. That really stinks but I cannot fix all of it and neither can any doctor. I will count the blessings where I find them and appreciate the healing I have had and what healing I end up with when I am to the point the doctor or doctors determine I am as healed as I will probably ever be.
I do know there's no hero coming to make anything here perfect and wonderful and I won't expect the lottery to be mine either--but State Farm is dealing with this very responsibily at this time and I will hope they continue to do so..and if need be I do know how to get a lawyer and work with that.
Mike and I don't talk much right now, time schedules are not matching up well for that and there's a lot I am not talking about right now..just things we both have to work on and work out..and responsibilites that need taken care of by each of us.
I know I will not be having anyone else shoulder my debt and financial issues, they are my doing and I will be taking care of them..and I won't be taking on those that belong to someone else. Making sure they are not able to become my problem or that my settlement cannot be attached or taken, to pay IRS or other debts is very high on my list of why I will make some decisions and choices...
There's a place up for sale I have always loved the look of--I don't expect to be able to buy it, am sure it will be sold before I have my settlement but I will take photos and go see the interior of the house Friday. It's 4.6 acres and out of town but close enough for a easy drive to Cargil and work..and I could have so much fun with it. Plenty of room for small orchard, bigger garden and lots of landscaping..some cedars along the highway frontage and it would rapidly become secluded and very private..dream on...
God has done a great job taking care of me, and I am not complaining, menopause is finally here-I think, that has been a life stage I have wanted to get through and be done with..so now I am getting there and in time my body chemistry will get back in balance and that will help my moods and outlook.

May is almost gone

And I am working on the weeds and grass in my garden, and trying to walk at the Y in the work boots, as my foot will tolerate it..and trying to just cope with pain that doesn't ever go away, just goes from not a lot to makes me sick to my stomach and almost has me in tears.
I am spending some time looking at new cars at manufactures sites, and thinking about investments, trying to control my impulsive spending.
It's warmed up, I run both air conditioners off and on, I don't want to keep the house very cool, just so we can cook and eat and not be miserable.
My flower beds are looking better this year so far. The new city strip is settling in and starting to grow and bloom, the south berm is where I am dumping all the weeds and grass I am pulling, on the street side. I will toss some sand over it now and then and in time have a place to plant some hardy low maint. plants.
My little doll house is up and makes handy storage, and will make it easier to use my sewing space. I could be sewing but instead seem to do more down with my foot up this week.
I think some of that is due to my mowing the back part around the garden and plum trees. The ground there is rough, it's not easy mowing and it's very hard walking for my foot.
Between pain and being moody I am having a rough week but will be in MO this weekend for my oldest grand daughter's high school graduation. She's gone through a lot and pushed hard to get this far, and to learn to raise her son.
Maybe if I go bug the weeds and grass in the garden area I will cheer up some...it's good for the garden at least.

The sun came out!!

We've had so much rain this spring, it's meant that my new plants have gotten off to a good start and the weeds and grass in the garden have flurished.. I am working them out by hand..it's slow progress but the hoe just stirs them about, and with our moisture, they just live and grow, just in a bit different spot.
I am glad I am able to be out and working in my garden, I was not sure I would be able to do some of the things I have enjoyed and are a part of my quality of life.
I will never wear heels and have feet that match, every time I dress nice I will look down and see that huge and deformed right foot and feel ugly..that might be stupid to someone else--but all I have to do is look down and feel ugly..it's right there--that ugly damaged foot.
and walk, I will feel awkard and clumsy and out of balance for a long time, maybe for the rest of my life..but I am walking with no cane most of the time..and the pain is usually there but tolerable..not enjoyable but it's been worse..
I don't have words to explain how this has messed with how I feel about Me, and about my life..but I will not let it beat me..and I will make my life good, and have quality of life. . .just different than what it was and what I had dreamed and planned and worked toward..
Going up stairs will be slow and careful, I haven't gotten that going down stairs to be very workable..but I am walking at the Y now and riding the stationary bike there and it was a red letter day today, I did not have to stop and re-position my foot, I did not hit my leg, foot, ankle on the peddle crank once!! Man, that is huge for me but such a small thing in the real world...
Time to head to bed before that self pity stuff comes out and gets me...

Blogs and arguements

Was reading a blog I read often, and then all the comments on the latest post--which was more arguement and stupid idiot stuff than anything else. It's a good thing I have a lot of time to waste some days, as that's what it was...
I hope I don't waste time and cyber space with all the trash I was reading--and I won't be doing it again...but now I know what was posted and the comments and direction. I will try and not put my thoughts and opinions out in cyber space in such a way that it generates such stuff as I was reading...
Here we are having more rain, the roof leaks a lot with as much rain as we've been having and I forgot about the plastic storage boxes up in the attic to catch rain..so they were over flowing..blame it on the accident. I dealt with it today and I was up in the attic and handed the filled bucket down to Ben. So, that translates in my foot would support and allow me to do that job, a job that is part of my 'life in a renovation project'. And 1 more small thing back to feeling normal in my life..each small detail I can get back to 'normal. helps me feel like my life is getting back to something that works for me.
Kerr's called so my boots are in, hopefully they fit and will be work-wearable and my foot will tolerate the right boot, and we can make the left boot fit my normal left foot snug enough to be comfortable and safe for work. I will run up tomorrow and try them on, then go on to Peoria and collect Jake's new treasure, it's waiting there and will stay here until he can come home and get it. I also plan to do some vehicle looking. I am NOT bying at this time but looking at what I will want after the settlement--which might be a year or more away.
The 1994 Ranger truck will for for me for now, but long term I am looking at something newer, with more safety features and more room. Plenty of time to look, collect brochures and so forth, and I do enjoy doing some of that. Kia has a cute one coming but it won't meet my needs or wants--cute is not what I need, it's too small, not enough space---and I do not want several vehicles, just 1 that will meet all my needs and a few of my wants.
The dolls will get attention/sewing later, the garden and flowerbeds will get attention when it gets dryer...wet and cool day today and I will admit I have done little today

Saturday

The dishes did not get washed, the kitchen floor did not get mopped but I did get groceries bought and put away, did get some work done on the garden project, some grass removed, some plants in..will keep working at it and will be fighting grass and weeds for a while. That Cargill compost from last year is still 'blessing' me with lots of grasses that I really do not need in my garden..weeds for lawn and grass for garden..something just seems wrong with that.
I do have some progress on the right foot sock..figure I have about 60 left foot socks, 2 of each color/pattern and none for the right foot..so am doing 1 to fit and then I will know what I need to do to knit several more.
Jake called twice today, he and his 'brothers' in the platoon are deployed Monday and they are glad "Mom' was healed enough to bake lots of cookies for Jake to bring back..all send their love and appreciation.
I am looking at newer and probably safer vehicles to replace the 1994 Ranger I picked up to replace my Mazda that was totalled in the accident. Another accident close to were mine was Tuesday. Man of 28 killed, 3 vehicles involved, roads blocked and a detour when I was coming home from my Dr. appointment really had me rattled and shook..and I drove the rest of the way home feeling I wasn't very safe in the truck I was in.
I have months to go before I will have a settlement check, if not far longer. Plenty of time to do some looking and comparing and thinking long term..not going to jump into anything, not going to finance anything and I know repairs to the house and $$$ tied up in some long term investments is first..but I should be able to swing a far newer vehicle with more safety features, including air bags and better build 'roll/crash cage built in...
Not a car, I need to haul cargo, like pavers, and plants and lumber and so forth, and toss camping gear in..I need something that will do that and be easy for me to get in and out, not too bad on gas, don't think I will get a little pickup..thinking Hyundai Tuson or Santa Fe but not buying so can keep looking and comparing when it suits me and I have time..can do a lot of checking now days on line...things I do want are automatic transmission, air cond...and cruse control. I do not want sun roof, power windows..carpet in the back cargo area, sat radio..too many frills...I do want rubber mud mats, and to buy seat covers Before it ever leaves lot and a steering wheel cover..and a color I like....will NOT agree to buy anything until I have my settlement, can wait for car to come from factory if that is what it takes to suit my list....dream, dream, LOL, old house repairs, landscaping and wheels.
I can dream doll dresses too but then I find myself trying to find more sewing time..have several ideas to work up there but have not made the time the past few days but do have the material and it won't take much to tweak a pattern to work for what I want....bed time as I have early church, dishes and then head to doll club meeting and pick up pal Julie on the way...

AJ Great to hear from you...

I walked about 8-10 blocks and back today--no cane and with shoes on--and didn't cry or whine--much. So, I am making progress, saw my orthapedic dr. Tuesday, 5/11 and he is still very pleased with the foot's progress, says to get the work boots in and fitted and softened, walk a lot, keep with the therapy, and come back 6/8 and he will see how things look. The heel bone looks more solid this x-ray, still some small gaps and rough looking areas..but all things considered, a very good vist and I came out feeling far more like celebrating than last visit..so went to Hancock Fabrics. I now own a mini craft iron, great for doll things, I have been using it, some fabrics, buttons..and came home to wash fabrics so I could play in my sewing space.
I still do not have my garden planted, will not put in corn this year but put melons in their space..and will buy plants with this coming State Farm lost wages check..and pay on bills. But the flowers are looking good, the stuff I put in where the city tore up the strip between sidewalk and street looks good, the day lily roots are starting to show tops, the stuff I dug from my beds is growing, the purple salvia I dug out of everywhere it sowed it's self is doing well..so that is progress.
And I am adding to the doll clothes collection--and will soon have enough things that I will start a 'for sale' photo album at the Kish group I am in, then will have to do fashions for other dolls that I am in groups with and set up a for sale photo album.
I have at least 3+ weeks before there is any chance I can go back to work so will work on getting Bernadette's Closet into more than just a dream and a label sewn into the doll clothes my dolls keep gettng...
It's been rainy, Jake's leave was far too short, I got 3 days of his around 10 days, ok, 5 if you count the 2 days that were mostly road time..he's being deployed and all I know is he will be riding around on a troop ship and is going to take some college classes that are available with some of that confined time he will be having.
Cami is graduating the end of this month, her son is 3 and is now 'taking care' of Jake's horse Gallop, who has a frame and springs and was Jake's first horse. Jake thinks that's a good place to store his much loved childhood treasure, I will go bring it here to store if they move to someplace with no room or when Colby is too old for such toys...
Well, have to start Friday early, with phone call to State Farm to see if my lost wages check is mailed or will be at their office waiting for me to pick it up and take it to the bank--we both use the same bank, that is handy...they own me back wages and are not paying me all 80 hours per 2 week period but will owe me the rest with the settlement..along with what I spend on new glasses, on replacing work boots, on orthapedic and $$$ sneakers so I had something I could tolerate and that would help correct my foot's twisting and rolling..along with all the rest..such fun, loads of paperwork..more medical paperwork to drop off when I pick up my check..

I am walking!!!

Have graduated to a cane and parked the walker..so that is progress. And in therapy, and have worked my head around the fact that my right foot will always be far wider than the left one. The heel bone pieces were seperated by a lot of fluid and since the bone pieces did not die, but lived and grew---they grew as the fluid and brusing left--and it was not possible to put all those little pieces back where they belonged. It works great with jig saw puzzles but not always possible with badly fractured bones. . . so the heel bone is far bigger now and odd shaped.
So, got a lot of shoes I will never be able to wear, or at least the right shoe will never fit again. But I am walking, and I am gaining on that ability to walk, balance myself, do normal living things.
I will probably never see a pain free day again, but I did order a pair of very wide steel toed work boots and when they come in, the shop will help me try to fit them to both feet, the normal one and the damaged one. If they can't fit, they ship them back and we see if we can come up with another style/size/brand that will work.
And the water meter is in, the landscaping is done, except for some mulch on the city strip I am working, and some sedum on the flowerbed where I had to lift plants and then re-set them.
It was a rough week or two as I emotionally dealt with the fact that I would never be able to fit into my shoes I already owned, that buying 'normal' shoes would never happen again, that I would be dealing with this accident and what it's done to me every time I needed new shoes, every time I wear something that shows my ankles and feet..like dresses and sandels..I don't know if I will ever feel 'ok' about it. But I cannot change it and I will not let it mess up my head very long.
I will plant my garden, and I will work my flower beds and I will get work boots that I can tolerate wearing and I will get back to work and do my job once again.
Popeye came and did the mowing for me Thursday/yesterday and this morning I raked stuff out of the pampas grass along the alley before I went to my therapy appointment.
Then when I got home I put on my orthapedically fitted very expensive sneakers and lifted another 4+ feet of turf and weeds from the city strip and planted it with those plants I got yesterday. Seems that Home Depot has perennials on sale and ad on the radio so I ran to Jacksonville and got $40 worth of plants to add to the ones I already had put in where the crew tore up installing the water meter and valve.
There's a lot of feet between the south end I did when the city replaced the fire hydrant and what I just put in but I have gained a few feet. It will take a few weeks for it to start looking good and some is annuals to help fill in for now but in a year or so I will start seeing what I want, a border strip that does not require mowning and won't need much watering by the time we are paying for that water by the gallon.

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13 weeks and still counting...

Saw my dr. on the 13th, no surgery at this time. I learn to walk again, get into therapy, start using cane instead of walker, and find some sort of shoes I can wear.
Ok, got the cane, am rarely using the walker, have 15 pair of shoes I can never again wear..and 1 pair of roller skates. The right foot is several centimeters wider at the heel than the left foot. Very small amount of that is swelling. The heel bone was spread out and now I adjust to what I have for a right foot.
Walking is creating a huge amount of pain, the heel is not even level so that means foot twists and puts strain on leg bone, knee, hip and even my back.
I will never have the old 'normal' back. No buying a pair of normal shoes, no expecting normal walking..not even sure what will be done about work boots but have cried over the shoe issue today.
I feel like the nightmare just won't end, like Mark Young hops out of his grave to slap me into a ditch over and over..and my foot now hurts alot, all the time.. I do know things will improve some with time. But Tuesday was hard and the days seem to just get harder.
The weather has cooled off today too. I should have worked on getting my garden raked and start planting but instead cried, dug out my shoes I know I can't wear and took a photo, cried some more..I want my old, normal life back, my normal walk and normal foot. And that will never happen..other people have had to deal with far worse things than I have..I can get through this but sure have a lot of problems with it today.
Will take something for pain before I go to bed, have the walker handy as I have found I just can't be sure of walking, with the cane or without to get to the bathroom in he night..that too sucks...

12 Weeks and still a long way to go. . .

I am making progress, no cast, the black support boot and walker, pressure sore is healing up, I am gaining some. There is bone that will have to be removed on the outside edge of my foot, just below the ankle joint, it's slowly growing, piece or pieces of the heel bone that got shoved up at an angle or so it appears to me. Pain is managable most of the time.
It's getting warmer and green, the plum trees are leafing out, they bloomed and the weather was great for that, Mike was here for a week, he left out of Fort Madison 4/10, heading back to Albuquerque and work..Ben is gone too so it's just the birds and me for a few days.
I should be asleep but am having problems with that..think it's snack time or some such thing...missing Mike, thinking about the old house project, we did some rough drafts for renovation project. The settlement on this accident should allow me to have funds for that, some funds for long term old age...pay off part of my credit debts...so we are playing with graph paper and rulers and ideas for the house.
It's great to have someone else to bounce ideas off, I did find some of my original graph paper plans, but Mike and I never had time to look them over.
I know at times I don't get the words right, but I have been working on this attic studio dream since I bought this old house..had drawings of what I wanted for some of it that have not changed...that west wall being done with shelving built in..built in the way I want it..and that spiral stair case, the bump out for it and dormer.
We are talking now about bumping out the whole back 4 feet..it's got merit, I like most of the changes Mike is working on drawing up..but need to think about them. It changes what I was 'seeing' in my head for the east side of the house, for my bathroom, and kitchen and that too I need time to think about and to also work on my own drawings and ideas.
We both agree that metal roof is the way to go, to have that open porch as close to what original look was, on demand hot water and a few other things. He wants to replace the entire water lines with something I don't know about, new and more flexable, not as available here yet.but it will be awhile before that 'job' needs done so plenty of time to see if it becomes more available here.
We do agree that stucco is the way to go for outside, not plastic siding that in 15 years would look bad...
But some of what he is talking about I am not big on, stripping out all the exixting drywall and plaster and replacing it, refinishing the maple floor----he has never lived in a renovation project, I have and know the down sides of that. This house will be a longer project, more money and living in it during the renovation will get very challenging---with him out on the road most of the time and me dealing with the dirt, the dust, the mess and all the other problems such a huge overhaul would become.
And I am not sure I see the reason or logic in stripping out all the walls and replacing them---things do not have to be perfect..I do want ceilings pulled except for the kitchen beadboard that Miguel and I worked so hard to get up..but I do not see pulling down the living room walls or the bedroom walls or all of the bathroom walls--ok, so maybe the bathroom ones will go..but I will be drawing some lines on some of that 'tear it out and put in new' as I will be the one paying the costs and living with the mess for the most part..
It is and will stay MY house, and we agree that the settlement will also stay MY settlement, anything I invest in Ferrin Square will be done with paperwork and business agreement.
The house, my credit debts and some $$ put away to grow and for my future is first.
But I have to heal and be released before there will be any settlement and at this time I don't even see that coming any time I can put a month on, much less a back to work date..and I miss work, and I don't like the physical limits I have now..and I don't like the uncomfortable or down right pain I 'get' to go through...

Still working on that healing stuff

It's been over 10 weeks now, I am out of the cast for now, into a support boot and starting to put limited amount of weight on my right foot and walking WITH SUPPORT. And I expect another surgery to remove some chunks of bone that were pushed up along the outside edge of my foot and now are a serious shoe problem. But the pressure sores over that area have to heal first and that is happening. I see Dr. Mulshine again 4/13 and hope he is pleased with the progress I am making with exercize and with getting the foot to tolerate weight and walking again.
I did get 2 more weeks out west with Mike and most of tghe time I was on the road with him. Most of the time the weather was great, loads worked out well and the time together was priceless.
Spring is finally here, I have started working on cleaning the flower beds and need to start working on my roses. Today was too cold and windy, Ben and I did some errends in Springfield instead. And I have curled up in warm corners with books..I am retreating into books to deal with the foot healing, the pain and the frusteration this accident and my injuries has created.
I do know my foot is making progress. But I didn't wash the tube socks I bought to wear under the support boot and now have a rash from what ever chemicals/sizing/starch was in the socks. They are in the dryer now, and had the needed washing I neglected to do before starting to wear them.
It's a quiet house tonight, Ben is also hiding in books and we are just barely doing what needs done around here some days.
Jake is out at sea, he wants Ben to come out for his birthday and I think it's a good idea, Ben can do with the change and Jake wants his favorite brother to meet the important pals...hard to believe my bay is almost 21.
The foot is still very swollen and a long way from healed, I am weeks and weeks away from being back at work and that is very discouraging for me, I will cope, not any other real choice.

long and slow..

Winter has seemed long and cold and gone slow, now the accident seems to be going that way too. My foot swells up rather fast, I am still spending most of my time in or on my bed with my foot up.
I know this is just something I have to get through, cannot force my foot to heal faster, I can't change time and avoid the accident..and I have plenty of reasons to count my blessings and realize how fortunate I really am.
I have good doctors taking care of me and my damaged foot. My loan officer insisted on disability insurance for my mortgage and loans at First National so those payments are being made for me, and the driver at fault had good insurance..which has taken responsibility for this accident.
I have Mike Ferrin back in my life--after over 33 years...the first time he asked me to marry him, I was 20 and told him that his mom wouldn't like it..I thought he would someday regret it and I couldn't take a chance on him some day walking out or asking me to leave..I didn't think I was good enough..
Now, we've set a wedding date--hopefully I will be back at work and that I can get the time off...and this summer he will be moving here, my husband, and the man who makes my life far more complete than I ever thought it could be..
I will get through the long and tough days ahead, I know my foot is making progress, that in time I will be back walking and working and out in my garden.
Tonight I would like a long hot bath with a foolish book and M&M's..can't take the bath with this foot in fiberglass cast, no M&M's and the foolish books just bore me to tears lately..I am being discontent with my current sitation..and know it could be far worse...

Another Monday..

Right now my clock reads 4:50 am. Way too early for me to be awake and starting my day but am awake, didn't sleep great, some pain, some itching, some burning..this full fiberglass cast stuff has it's ups and downs...up is the better protection and stability for my foot. The list of 'downs' is long..and won't improve for grousing about things.
I will say the cream and orange socks just need the yarn ends worked in to be done, the pink socks are very long and getting cuffs, knee socks I will like to wear. I am working on some doll sweaters and have patterns for several but am not sure about yarns for them and don't have extra $ to order any at this time. I will have to see if the stash has any for the hooded, cabled one I really want to try.
Mike is again in Green River Utah, laying over and will be in Salt Lake/Provo today. A better trip than the one we made together, I am so glad he's decided his health is important and to take better care of his body...love that man so very much.
My life here was so good and worked so well for me, I had that 'single and dating' stuff worked out in my head. A job I love, an old house I am slowly fixing, a town I am settling down into, things seemed so very good..not too many rough spots in my little road...
Maint. guys talking about FaceBeook and finding people from their pasts, kids they had gone to school with..being able to do a bit of checking on them without contacting them..it's called FaceBook stalking I am told...those guys chatter at the supply window...and it got me thinking..
There was this boy, I dated him 2 different times, he was, the memories of him were some of the treasures in my heart..I had looked for him via the net before, and through the Mormon links, could not find him, not even a whisper..thought he might be dead..it happens, knew when go got married, my mother let me know that--and that I let a real treasure go...
I thought of that boy, the young man and the life he had--in my imagination- with a wife that adored him, with stable paychecks, great kids that did good in school, involved in the Mormon church and the stability and balance I saw in Mormon famiies I had known. For so many years I imagined him having such a good life..wanted that so bad for this special person..who I didn't believe I was good enough for..
A search on Facebook found him..not in the marriage and life I imagined, all grown up, not the awkard 23 year old who I remembered but a man, who had seasoned well with a life more difficult and challenging than I had ever dreamed. And seperated from his second marriage--wait--his fisrt was supposed to last forever--it did in my head..
Time and thought..debate and think..find my courage..have an idiot moment and send 4 lines of a poem he had written years ago...a tiny thread across 33+ years of distance and past...something easy to ignore, just a few words to put a crack in a door we had both closed so many years ago..
Never thought he would still have any feelings for me, never thought I'd be also opening that door in MY so carefully guarded heart..or shaking up his world, my world..a few words he wrote so long ago..
Now, we are going to have that life together we walked away from so many years ago..now I am going to have that man who does love and accept me, the real me and doesn't want a different me, he's going to have that wife that adores him, whose face lights up at the mention of his name, we are going to have that romance that burns with a warm and steady glow..that closeness that can bridge many years and a huge amount of miles...
This accident still sucks, his getting sick when I was out there was Not good--but we are growing closer--we are turning these challenges into positive growth steps in that life together we are going to have, that we are building now...
And my old house will get some much needed work far sooner--because of this accident. I am making lists in my head of what is most important so I make wise decisions with the settlement $$ from this accident..and we are going to make a great life together..I will heal and be back at that job I love so very much, he will be moving his business and truck here..and I will marry that man, he asked me when I was 20 and I told him his mother would not like it--but I did not tell him NO, and he didn't push or ask me to write...
We have 10 kids now, I had just 1 back then..so there are 9 kids that exist because of the choices and directions our lives went. And I like most of those kids that I know, love a couple beyond measure...want to get to know the rest of our 'tribe' and will as time goes on.
Because of this accident I am not working but had a week out west with Mike, his mom who does like me, met 2 of his kids, spent time with his sister Nora who was my sister Bird's pal..and because of this accident, I will probably be going out again for time with Mike, and it looks like even a few days with my aunt Ellen.
Because of this accident I get to go to knitting gatherings, and to a woman's retreat. And have problems doing simple tasks, and take a lot of meds for pain and loose a lot of sleep...
Because of this Man, my dreams and hopes for the future have changed, priorities have changed..and who I believed myself to be has also changed some too..adjusting to that now...life is a living and growing thing..

Friday--6 weeks from date of accident..

And the foot kept me awake most of the night with pain and Yes, I did take meds..and more meds and I was NOT up a lot Thursday, had foot elevated a lot of the time.
Just 1 of those kind of days..some days healing is more painful than others...but I am healing..slowly, slowly.
Sun is out but it's cold, hope to see the first check for lost wages, mailed several days After I was told it would be mailed, will make note on envelope and put that in the file too.
Ben got the fabric down I wanted for work on Mike's quilt top so I hope to cut the borders today and maybe the backing pieces cut and ready to seam. I am not sure I can get the layers together with the cast. If I can I do not know if I can machine quilt it either..
But I have several things I can be doing, a bit at a time, do a little, back down with foot up, and then do a bit more...foot is going to have 'rough' days and better days..I will hope the better days outnumber the rough ones soon...

Bad cast lining..

Lost track--didn't get this posted..but cast and foot were seen, new cast and liner done a bit different, told to do more down time and try to be up less..
And most of the medical billing has been dealt with. State Farm agent was out of office a few days but said the check was mailed so expect it Friday or Saturday.
I need to go see the financial office at Memorial hospital and my bone dr. anyway and make sure they have the correct insurance billing information. My Blue Cross from work will be paying on the bills and has set up an account or something, they will then bill State Farm for the costs and by paying a % of the bills that will help avoid me being turned over to a collection agency..
With the long length of time I will be under medical care I am glad to know that medical insurance from work will be looking out for my best interests better than either my car insurance company or the insurance company of the man who caused the accident.
Mike is doing better but I think it will take a few weeks for his body and the maint meds for his high blood pressure and thryoid to get in balance. I am so glad he is working to take care of himself, he's so very important to me.
I was able to go join the knitting group at Sticks and Strings, the yarn shop in Jacksonville Saturday for a few hours, nice to be around other knitters and nice to be out of the house for a bit to 'play'.
Jake called while I was there, and he told me how wonderful I am because I knit him socks..boy knows how to keep Mom knitting him socks. I have a pair done and plan to ship them to him Monday.
State Farm says I am approved for lost wages to be paid while I am off work, the first check will be mailed Monday, I have some form to sign and I also will be getting my disability pay, did let the State Farm agent know that had been cleared up and would be paid also. He said that did not affect my lost wages but appreciated that I let him know.
I don't think State Farm will 'catch up' the past weeks but I will keep track of what they pay and all the lost wages will be caught up with the settlement--and I will remember that I am OWED those wages, it's not part of the 'pain and suffering' and neither is the medical costs, they too are the responsibility of the driver at fault or his insurance...
There will be lots of paperwork and numbers to look at and keep track of..and I need to remember that man's insurance is NOT doing me a favor by paying what they are obligated to pay--
No amount of money will give me back the lost time, or erase the pain I have already had to go through. No money will fix the problems I will now have the rest of my life with my right foot and leg. That metal plate will cause me pain when it gets cold for the rest of my life..that's just something I will have to live with, it's not going to go away.
I did go to the union hall and Do get disability and that is in process and I need to check on it Monday also. And they will pay me 18 weeks total and catch up the back weeks from the time of the accident..so that will help me get thing caught up and some $ put back into savings to replace what I pulled out, my auto insurance paid so I don't worry about that, Ben's contacts paid for, my new glasses paid for--which State Farm will have to re-imburse me for...
Did finally get forms to fax back on disability from Cargill. This is something that we actually 'buy' with our co-pay for our insurance--so woman in HRD that said i did not qualify was wrong...and they will catch up the back weeks so I can expect a good sized check when they get to that point..at least I know it's in process, finally.
Got another pair of socks done, and am knitting on a doll dress for the Kish 14 inch dolls, have 1 so she can try it on..and knowing me, once it's done I will photo and set a price--quite willing to sell the clothes off the backs of my dolls..

Casts and pain..

The trip west had more adventure than we hoped or planned as Mike got sick while we were on the road between Albuquerque and Provo and ended up in the hospital there. He is out and will be taking much better care of his health now and I coped well with the situation.
The staples came out Tuesday, more x-rays, decision was fiberglass cast for 5 more weeks, heel bone has gone from very small pieces to 'mush' but I saw x-ray and think mush is progress. Dr. Mulshine does not know if that heel bone will have a socket for the leg bone to fit into or not yet..it's wait and let things heal and see.
The bone with plate and large screws is looking good, the other small broken bone is healing ok, everything in place...
It's going to be so much longer than I expected. I did get to the union hall and have 18 months to be able to return to work and still have my job. I also paid 6 weeks of my health insurance co-pay so my savings is almost empty but have that monkey off my back for a couple weeks. I do qualify for disability pay and Duke, with the union got the paperwork for me and I made the call, today I will call Dr. Mulshine's office as they have form faxed to them to fill out and return..and although it's not what I make a week, it will sure help and I am not as paniced about money to live on.
It pays 18 weeks and right now it looks like I will be off work longer than that. When I got out of the hospital I knew I had a couple broken bones in my foot/ankle but imagined I would be back to work in 8-10 weeks. Now I will be in casts 10 weeks and not know what will be next step in repairing my foot.
Today I woke up around 6 am by that pain monster, got some tea and tylonal, still having pain but it's more tolerable than about 3 hours ago. I was up and about a lot the past 2 days, that might be part, the foot is not swelling, I am wearing a full cast, not split and if I swell any I will sure know fast. So, it's not swelling, but that plate and screws hurts, the scar from that surgery in not comfortable and the ankle on other sides says ouch, top of foot is uncomfortable..foot has a lot of tissue damage and swelling still.
5 weeks and it's still a huge ankle and foot compared to the other one..
I am getting dressed in work cargos and shirts now, not in bed all the time, cooking some of the meals here, doing the dishes some. Trying to re-gain as much of my life as possible but 5 weeks into this accident and I grieve for my life the way it was BEFORE this accident. A long list of things I was getting done that has become a long list of things I cannot get done.
Hours and hours in bed with my foot up and trying to deal with pain that my allergies prevent me from taking any heavy pain meds for.
Worry about finances because HRD at Cargill told me I did not qualify and no way to get to union hall and talk with them for weeks..worry about my credit and how I would by food and pay utility bills.
Worry about crawling into a dark hole called depression and having problems crawling back out. Being up and dressed is helping some with that, having bedroom north curtain open more is also helping, I need light and being in the dark bedroom for so long was hard on me emotionally.
The trip out west really helped me get back some of that emotional stable ground I have stood on for so long. People who really care about me, lots of bright natural light, better meals, and even Mike getting sick and my coping with that, instead of being the helpless cripple, I was the strong woman who stayed with the truck and had it ready to roll when his son got there, who made sure our stuff was out of the truck and at Leonard and Jessica's house. Mike learned some of my strength and stability, instead of his taking care of me, I took care of his truck and our stuff while he was taken by ambulance to Price, then Prove...from a shy and insecure girl I have grown into a very competent woman.
But I will still have problems dealing with this accident and what all it is costing me, from replacing a very loved red truck to the things I am not getting done to missing my job and the faces there, the work I do..that at times eats me up, I wake up so early on Saturdays and Sundays, my 'day shift' days and then it hits me, no work for me..long hours to get through...

Finding my solid ground again...

I am now in Albuqueerque with Mike and his sister Nora, their mom and the kids, actually slept all night last night, first night I have slept more than 3 hours in a row since the accident. The cast is not comfortable but I only took tylonal 1 time yesterday!!
I still have to deal with the financial situation, hope that State Farm will pay the lost wages or part while I am off and I will talk to the union to make sure that I am not eligible for disability pay. All those years of paying union dues I hope the union is able to help with this situation and I am getting my emotional balance and my brain working very practical and logical, or as logical as I get.
Being here is good, I am eating better and my digestive system likes that, and seeing the mountains gives me a joy. I like this desert country, looks so like where I grew up but I know I thrive in my mid-west river town. I have put my roots down in that sand and am growing and love my life there so much.
I miss the plant, my job, the faces that are part of my normal work days, miss it so much it hurts at times but I will heal and I will be back to work, supply clerk, I might not walk as fast, move as easily but I will be back and rejoyce often to be there.
I still have no understanding why that man chose to try and pass other cars when it was obviously not a safe thing to do. He isn't paying, unless you call death paying. I don't know where his soul is, but I do belive in the afterlife he does have to be accountable for this accident, for what he has done emotionally to his family, and for what he has done to Tamera, Ben and myself. There is no price high enough for causing harm to someone else.
But I will deal with this, leave some things in the hands of God, put my strength in God and in those close to me. Being here with Mike and family is so emotionally good for me at this time, and being out of my bedroom and bed is also helping me get a better prespective and think clearer...need that to deal with all this stuff.

lost Wages

Well, now I have had 3 weeks of suffering from this acccident, 3 weeks of no wages earned and paid into my bank account so I can pay my bills and live my little life here. My call to State Farm about my lost wages got me many hours wait for a return call and then to be told they expected to pay me my lost wages with the final settlement once I was medically released.
This is NOT acceptable, my wages are earned weekly, paid into my checking acccount weekly and I keep my bills paid, put money into savings, pay my income taxes, budget my own finances..live my very single and independent life.
At this time I cannot even take care of my dog, or clean my house. I cannot function in my own home without help, I cannot drive or walk un-assisted or do any of the things that are part or were part of my normal life before this accident.
It is totally unacceptable for me to become impoverished or have any financial problems due to this accident and my not able to go to work on my normal work schedule.
I have been required to spend most of the past 3 weeks in bed, with my foot propped up, dealing with pain that, due to my allergies, I am seriously limited in choices for pain relief.
I now have had the first surgery and have at least 1 more to go through. I am facing weeks of not only unable to go to that job I do really love and miss, but not able to earn my living, not able to walk, to drive, to shop, to do my own cooking and cleaning.
I do rrealize it was not Mark Young's intention to mess up my life so badly, nor was it his intention to make me suffer so much or to financially impoverish me. But his decision to pull out into the west bound lane to pass the car ahead of him was the cause of this accident that he died in and that now has me trapped in a un-ending nightmare I cannot wake up from.
I hurt so bad, nothing will change that much except time. My whole life has become a mess that I don't know how to put back in order. There is in asking why this happened to me, it certainly was not my choice and it was not God's doing either.
A man going east made a poor choice, my truck, myself and my passeners happened to be heading west, the timing and place we all were in made me the other car in that accident.
Facts, hard and not changing by anything I can do, the accident happened, State Farm will need to pay my lost wages in a timely manor every week, including the 3 past weeks, it was their client driving that was at fault..laws and responsibility issues.
It does not matter that is suits State Farm to pay it all lump sum. I earn my own living and I get paid weekly and I then use this paycheck I earn to pay my bills and buy my groceries, put into savings or do whatever I choose to do with my earned wage.
I will get this matter dealt with today, hopefully, and talk with the doctor and then do what it takes to get through the next days ahead.
And I will keep working on getting through this accident and my injuries. I will not let it totally foul up my life, nor will it turn the plans Mike and I have for a future into a mess.
We have a right to our life and future together, we have a right to build that life together, and this accident will not foul that up, we will not let that happen.

First Surgery done..

And I do like Memorial--but the woman assigned to take me from prep room down to surgery floor was not polite, nice or at all people friendly..Ben was good, made calls to Mike for me, did update post at Facepage for friends, made sure when I came out they had my bear and knitting to hand to me--they were NOT sure about those needles..but the bear goes under my right knee to give a bit of lift and support, makes foot more comfortable, offered pillow or rolled blanket, no Bearsie fits just right and he comforts me..silly thing but works. The knitting helps me cope with pain..even if it's 1 very slow stitch at a time and as I cannot have much for pain due to allergy issues--Yes, I Need that knitting in hand...so, they learned something about pain control with limited drugs.
1 bone repaired, 1 is healing correct and the heel bone could not be worked on due to open abrasions on skin in that area that still must heal before surgery. I did not talk to DR. and Ben thought he would talk to me also so didn't pay as much attention as he should have. But Dr. feels postponing surgery is actually better for heel bone as it will have more growth, bigger pieces and better chance to do more/correct more.
He did not like having to put me through another surgery but with open wound in that area, no other choice.
Ben is already asleep, early, not yet 9. Facepage is having 'issues' so I can't update there or post on friends 'walls' to let them know I am ok.
I am having pain and counting hours until I can again take something..know that should be short term.
I will have to make calls tomorrow to the city about not being able to pay my water bill at this time and to the insurance companies about some disability pay. This is clearly Not my fault that I am not working but in the meantime, tonight makes 240 hours of missed pay and I have no other income, no one else here working to pay the bills..and the stress is upsetting me terribly. So, I will start with phone calls and see what can be done about getting insurance companies moving on that disability pay I am entitled to..and as soon as possible and direct deposit IF possible...
I have also dropped between 7-10 pounds in the last couple weeks..and at my height of almost 5'6" and 124 pounds to start with--no, I do not have weight to loose, not eating well and stress, it sure can't be all the exercize I am gettiing, napping knitting and keyboarding does not burn many calories....

Updates--

well, to start I corrected my birthdate here..I am really not 253, and not born in 1756..not sure how I made that error..but it hits me funny today.
I actually did get a lot more sleep, nice change. And today the phone calls have been medical, my specialist office about my surgery, time is moved up, the hospital with my pre-registration, a lot I can do by phone and make the very early morning very easy for me...and Nancy. I will have Ben take me instead of her hauling out so early, but let her know how we are doing. Not am I more comfortable with Ben as my anchor going under and coming out of anasthetic, Mike is more comfortable with knowing Ben is there and has the cell phone to call him off and on and keep that man so far away in close touch with what is happening.
I managed to get a load of clothes into the washer and even into the dryer. Was a challenge to get my walker close enough to the dryer and had to use something to push the on button as it was out of reach but the clean clothes are drying! I might even tackle the dishes. The kitchen condition really upsets and stresses me...know Ben is a lazy slob and know nagging him upsets and stresses me as much or more than the mess in my kitchen.
I am worried about finances, Darrell called and I mentioned it and his comment was go get lawyer...God, how I hate that sort of Stupid...
I know there is disability pay coming to me, I know I am keeping up on my end of paperwork but things take time..including disability pay...
I know we have food and a roof and I am not running in the red yet. Yes, I have bills I want paid, hate to not have the city water and sewer paid in a timely manor..need to call them today and let them know the problem..hate that too, is hard blow to my pride.
I know, it shouldn't be, but it's like a direct hit to my independence and self suffeciency, my strength...being able to pay my bills and pay them on time, have worked hard to have that, it matters to me, it is a part of WHO I am...so not being able to have them paid and paid ON time or early, really psycologically hurts me..that's just a part of who I am..
it will get better, I know some of that is just me stressing about what I can stress about...but still, it would be nice to get something from somewhere that assured me of income while I am unable to work, due to no fault of my own.

Paying bills, trying to get life back on track..

I don't know when I will see any disability income, the tax refund is almost spent and I still have a stack of bills needing paid..this not working stinks, this spending a lot on gas for rides to doctors and such does not help..
All the hard work I have put into keeping my finances balanced, trying to pay down debt, trying to save a bit now and then seems to have gone down the river with this accident. And the frosting on this cake is bill collectors for bills owed by the prior owners of this house.
Collectors are--against law, mind you, running this address through phone directorires and calling MY number to try and locate these people. The house was sold to me years ago, public records available, the phone # I have was mine more than a year before I bought this house, again, records the collectors have access to. I do know some of the regulations governing bill collectors and I am Not in a good mood about a lot of things--calling me over debts that are not mine, calling My phone # to try and locate someone I never knew, I bought a house, did not have to get to know the sellers...adds to my anger and stress.
Yes, it's Maggie on the war path and wanting someone to fight with, or just some answers and being sure I can keep my bills paid on time. It upsets me terribly to not have my bills paid, to not be putting a bit in savings every week. To be so unsure of what my future will be, when I will be walking again, when I will be back to work..I hate being so scared of so damn many small things...
I know I am doing what I can, I know I need to calm down and find some patience and faith. State Farm is being very responsible, and so is Met Life. I have my medical disability paperwork at the plant turned in, I have the paperwork for the bank here and will drop that off today on the way to the eye appointment.
I know I didn't foul up my life, I know I am not fouling up my finances and my long term future but at this very minute I feel like a huge failure..but yes, I do know I am not the fault and that things will work out..I just need to do what is my job, keep paperwork in order, keep the foot up, eat food good for me and Not let stuff get me upset...today a lot of small things are making huge waves in my small pond and I need to get a grip, it is MY pond, I can stop the waves..relax, and just do what needs done and not blow things out of scale...

This not sleeping well stuff is the pits...

I did go to sleep around 9:30, watched Star Trek dvd's until I was nodding off and had hoped I would sleep at least 4 hours. I took Tylonal and was comfortable--or as comfortable as I seem to get but was awake well before midnight.. foot itches and burns more than hurts, nerves tingle and 'crawl' and that isn't something like Tylonal 'fixes'. I think Bayer Back and Body helps some, know it's part of the healing, know I have to get through it and will.
My body hurts some from being in bed laying on my back or propped up that way, can't be on my side long, this stupid damaged foot won't tolerate that..great, my life seems to be under the control of my right foot...
Mike didn't call as he didn't want to wake me, I wasn't on line so he hoped I was asleep and just e-mailed me, he will load out of Albequerque some time tomorrow, not sure what direction he will be going, he will let me know. So far his brother Steve is winning the 'loose 20 pounds' contest they have going..we all do a lot of posting on Facebook, fun way to keep in touch for those of us that like the net.
Sister Lucy is having ups and downs, in the process of divorce, health issues and the man is elsewhere for work..not exactly sure which man this is...not the one she was so in love with a month ago..
But I have sure done my share of changing men in my life...and am not living her life...would not trade ever...
I will get through this accident and it's complications, will be sewing doll fashions and taking care of my garden, will be working my supply clerk job and paying my bills. In time Mike will relocate his trucking here and be based out of central IL instead of the southwest corner of Utah, and we will still talk a lot...I might not be able to go run jump into his arms, but his arms will still be there for me..this accident will slow me down in some ways but it will not stop me from living and enjoying my life.
I did take some Bayer Back and Body, am snacking on some crackers so hope to soon be back asleep for a couple more hours, eye appointment to replace my lost and probably badly broken glasses, will be nice to quit wearing safety glasses but at least I have them.
Maybe I can go to Albequerque for a few days after my first surgery, Nora and Mike's mom would love to have me, he might come get me for a few days, I sent a list of the yarn shops there..a change from my walls here. I can take the train from Galesburg right to Albequerque and the train is handicapped friendly. The cost isn't too bad either, about $200 round trip..we will split the costs probably.
Right now he can't afford to take off a week and fly out here, and with the accident I would not be skipping work. It will all depend on my medical team, I have not asked yet but Nancy thinks they won't allow it. My thinking is that is is very possible if I am ok after surgery and I set up dr. appointments so I don't miss any. I am not talking about a couple weeks, just a week or so, and I will be well cared for.
Well, ate my crackers, have my tea almost gone, guess I look this over and post it and hope the foot lets me get a bit more of that sleep stuff..

Broken bones, life on hold, nothing will ever be the same..

My little red truck is a mangled mess, my right foot has broken bones that might not ever be correctable, I am spending my hours down in bed with my right foot up, dealing with pain I have never had, not even with 2 kids born at home.
Today I decided to make cornbread, something I fix so often I don't need to look up directions, takes about 5 minutes to mix it up from scratch and then about 25 to bake..hot out of the oven, split with knife, butter and honey and eat while hot. It took me 2 hours to end up with cornbread to eat and then I had help getting it out of the oven. I also ended up back in that bed, with that rigth foot back elevated, more pain..no, it's not my normal life any more and it won't be.
The face brusing is healing, I will replace the broken glasses and quit wearing my work safety glasses.
I will put money and work into this gold truck and have transportation I can depend on, but I loved my little red truck and have lost that forever, and I have no extended cab so I lost that space also. I need to pay Fischer Auto for the last of the bill on the brake work on the red truck..not sorry I had the needed brake work done..this accident was nothing I did wrong or didn't do that I should have.
From what I have learned, it was nothing more than a poor decision to pass another car, made by a man on his way to work on a 3rd shift job. He did not intend to die in an auto accident, he certainly did not intend to hurt others
or cause them problems.
But, his action of pulling into on-coming traffic when there was no chance to pass safely, and to not get back into his original lane was the cause of this accident. My actions of trying to slow down, of trying to get as close to off the paved road bed as I could might have reduced the damages we recieved, but the cold and hard facts are I was in a very severe accident. It has changed my life, my plans and schedule and will continue to impact my life, probably for the rest of my life.
This is Sunday, it's normally 1 of my most favorite days at work, maint will be busy, I have the floors to clean and office deliveries to make, make sure there is enough paper in the copy/post office room. Contractors through the plant doing what they do, sometimes equipment in and out through our back warehouse dock.
I'm in the boiler room coffee club, we all chip in to buy the coffee and filters, Sundays are often the only day I can get down to fill my cup, every other Sunday Carl McDaniels is the boilerman on watch and he always has the coffee going. He's a good man and I miss seeing him along with all the others that make up my routine.
I have been blessed with a job I love and go bouncing into work almost every day. I work with people I absolutely like being around and have management that I admire and really care about. I think I have the best bosses in the whole world..
And right now, every day, I am here at home, in bed, with my right foot up, 1 bone so badly shattered I don't know what if anything can be done medically to repair it.
I miss my job, the work, the management, the faces that make up my work world..I miss it from the time I wake up well before day light, I miss it as I am falling asleep at night.
I love my old house, this little bit of land it sits on, but the job and Cargill, that's what gives me balance, what pays for all I have and I take great pride in that I EARN my living and my way in life.
And now, today, I have no idea what I will have for income as I heal, how I will keep bills paid and food in the house. A disability check is not the same, it's money that will pay the bill but it does not feed my heart the way that earned paycheck has done. My emotional balance, my self sense of worth, all of that is tied up with that earn a paycheck and pay in my share of taxes.
This accident has taken that from me, maybe not for ever, but for now, I do not have the emotional security and sense of self worth that paycheck from Cargill has given me every day since I started work there.
I have not cried over this accident, I will not let myself cry over it, I am afraid if I start crying I won't stop. There is so much I hurt emotionally over, so much I have lost already with this addident. If I start cryiny I will fall into a dark hole I am not sure how I will climb back out.
I am afraid of how this will financially impact my keeping my bills paid, growing my savings, fixing my old house, paying down debt load. I'm afraid of how it will physically change my life. To never dance for joy, or hop and skip, to not run, roller skate, wear silly high heels I love. I might never run jump into someone's open arms--that was on my up coming schedule. Now I hope I don't trip over my walker stumbling to meet Mike...no slim, dancing woman...and I am afriad I will stay mad and angry about the last minute choices of a man now dead...
I am afraid of the up-coming surgery, not the surgery but it's that being put under with no one here to be my anchor to hold onto. My friend Nancy will take me but she doesn't have or understand my fears, She doesn't know how that dark terrifies me, a dark I am afraid of going into and not being able to find my way out to the light.
I should be looking for dormant oil to spray the plum trees with in the next couple weeks, it needs done while they are dormant but I now can't do that job. I need to be planning the garden and what goes where, what I am goint to start from seed so I can have those special plants. But I cannot do that this year, I plan a garden, I will have some sort of garden, for me, for friends and neighbors, but it won't be the garden I had planned last fall.
How do I measure the changes in my life? The cost of not getting stuff done that was on my list, the saddles not oiled and put away, the doll outfits not made and sold, the house chores I can't do, the friends old I can't visit, the cookie boxes to the Marine and his platoon I am not making?? What price can you put on this stuff?? HOw can you know what each of these and all the other things means to me??
How do I explain my happiness and joy at going to work every day??
And how do I keep facing another day in this bedroom with my right foot up, not knowing how many more days and weeks I will be laid up, waiting on healing?
I know I am strong and determined and will get through this battle and survive. But it's not a battle of my chosing or of my doing and being mad at a dead man I never met doesn't gain me much peace at this moment

So, I keep on updating

It seems that boy has grown into an amazing man--and single and did know the rest of tht poem he had written many years in the past. He's runnng his own business in the southwest, he makes me laugh, I don't have a clue why this is our time, 37 years ago was not our time, nor was 33 years ago but now is..and we are working on building something that bridges years and a lot of miles, a huge amount of miles some days..
Life here was looking really good, the tax return was filed, Ben was still here at the house and he and I, along with his gal pal were off to play in Springfield, on my day off.
I have to admit I love that having Thursdays and Fridays off, and taking Tamera with us to Springfield for a few errends, a meal out and time to get to know this girl my #2 son is fond of, oh, ya, great Thursday for me, Jan 14..a few $ so I could afford to feed all of us, custom coffee cups to pick up at a shop in the mall, a couple things on my silly list including a bag of bread flour at GFS...and home by a reasonable time...nothing wrong with the plans, solid little truck I keep putting work into, fixing, taking care of.
The son I am closest to, the first gal pal he's ever found important enough to bring into Mom's life..ok weather for this time of year, laid back time schedule because I have Thursdays and Fridays off...did let Mike know we were off to play, had the TracFone with us, but not my Net tablet...Ben had the current David Weber book in hand, and it was a great afternoon.
OK, so the shop didn't have the cups done--cups that were ordered several weeks before and now were 2 weeks late in being ready--but they got done while we mall crawled--ok, so the coloring was a bit pink but the lettering was good..2 matching cups with photo of the Jake, Ben and I on them, 1 for me, 1 for that boy from the past..and then off to the east side of town for Asian buffet, cuz it's really good and I was feeding a guest..then to Wal-Mart, bluetooth for the laptop, wow, Star Trek Voyager season 1 for $20, and season 2, ok, a bit more but I am collecting and a Trekkie....then head home, first to my house to go through the sock yarn stash for yarn for socks for Tamera, then take yer on up to Rushville...
We were west bound, a fair amount of traffic, close to 9:30 at night, I wasn't thinking about 3rd shift people heading into work, just wasn't thinking about why there would be such heavy traffic at that time of night, knew we were running around 55, not much more, cars behind us but none close in front at that time..dry or slightly wet in spots roads..good traveling....
The traffic east bound was steady, not much gaps, when the 2nd car coming east pulled into the west bound lane, to pass the car ahead of him?? I don't know, I just knew we were in a shit load of trouble, traffic moving too fast, car right behind me, too much slope and soft, if I take the truck off the side I will turn it over and hurt the kids.....just seconds and then I was in the hospital, cold, bright lights, voices, hurting all over--Nude!!!now, that paniced me a second, warm blankets tucked around me..where were the kids??? Were my kids alright...I need on line, need facebook to let Mike know we are ok,,no phone # with me, no cell phone and NO, I do not remember or know phone ###...and no idea what happened after I saw the car pull into the west bound lane and thought I had a shit load of trouble heading my way...
Tamera has broken bones in her face, it could have been far worse, she is also afraid in a car at night, gets panic attacks..not a bit of fun and is afraid of surgery to repair the broken bones. But she lived, she is alive and will heal, will deal with the emotional trauma and fears.

Ben, that boy got his friend out of our mangled truck, got his mom's legs freed and her to the passenger side, worked on trying to calm that mom as help arrived and the pros came to do their job. His sternium got cracked, he got some brusing, he is not staying at Mom's taking care of me..at 24, he is not doing much living his own life but taking care of mom...

too long without posting and too much has happened

I should have posted here when Jake was here for Chirstmas, and I had a house full of tall and loud sons laughing..it was a great week, had some time off with that tall Marine, Ben came to stay and be able to spend time with Jake, Bryon came over to bug Mom and spend time with Jake, he visited Kim..did the bar crawl 1 night..his saddles are still on mom's bedroom floor, still needing oiled and stored.
I baked and made fudge and Jake took back about 16 pounds of goodies to share with 'our' platoon...and a pair if hand knit socks he won't be sharing.
It was great having my tall baby home, that boy is now just over 6'3" and stands tall, at just over 150 he needs a few pounds to cover all those long and lanky bones, is maddly in love with his SAW which I understand is a very big and heavy Gun that can cut down trees...
Jake's dad and step mom are selling out the farm and moving to the Phillipines this June so Jake has to move everything here he wants to keep, including his not running right 1961 Studibaker Lark....

Then there was the maintenence guys gabbing at the storeroom window, like they will do if there is more than 1 of them there-about Facebook and looking up old pals and school mates..and me running the name of that boy from the past through Facebook.
Jake is why I had a Facebook account, and that boy from the past, I hadn't found him through Google or the Mormon church stuff I could access..best place to look for a Mormon boy--or so I thought....
Facebook is fun, and there were 4 guys with that name but only 1 that had a daughter also named Stormy, only 1 that went to school at Roaring Fork, only 1 who had JD for another facebook friend--so 4 lines of an old poem and a question asking if he knew the rest..
I didn't want to make any waves in his life, just wanted to know if he was alive and doing ok..my life here in IL is so good, I am finally able to say I am 'home' and belong. I really like my old house and my funky life here, the crazy hours I keep with work, the job as supply clerk in the 3 rd slot..the garden and flower beds which bloom and grow maddly for me..didn't want to make any waves with that very special boy from the past, just wanted to know he was alive and ok...

White cold stuff outside!!!

I came home from work on roads starting to get slick and was very glad to be staying home. It wasn't a bad shift, no contractors moving equipment through the warehouse for a change.
Ben fixed supper and I made peanut butter fudge, need to make and gift that stuff along with home made bread..and need to get busy with cleaning out the computer desk so it's ready to move.
I did add some photos to my facebook but have a lot more I want to have accessable to pals on line..in time, at least I got some up there...
And the Christmas letter is done and 6 copies printed out, now to buy some cards and get them addressed and out into the mail..before Christmas.
House feels cold but I know it's not really that bad, furnace is up to 74 right now and it's not that bad outside..temp check---29 happy degrees!!! NO, the snow won't be melting during the night...
Right now I'm scheduled to work 3 more shifts and then be off 4 days but I have to wonder about Sunday--maint and contractors are working but no one in supply is scheduled to work..I will talk with my supervisor tomorrow and make sure everyone is on the same page and in the same book...
I am connecting with old friends through Facebook, it could be interesting, but I am not looking at making any huge changes in my life--other than the living room changes that I have coming up and hopefully the window replacement changes that I want to have take place this coming spring/summer.
It's nice to have Ben here but it's just for a short visit, he's helping me with some things here before Jake comes, will house/bird/dog sit so I can be gone overnight to take the computer desk to MO and come back with Jake..and he's going to spend the time he can with Jake while Jake is here...
I need to get to bed soon, got stuff I need to do tomorrow before I go to work, need to get busy with boxing or bagging up the stuff here at my computer desk and clearing off the library table, it will move to this corner to be my new computer desk...

white stuff outside tonight. . .

Well, I guess as it's December and a week before Christmas I can't whine too loud...and it isn't as cold as it was last week while I had vacation.
Jake will be getting on a plane in a few hours, he flies into Kansas City, his dad will pick him up and I go over the 24th, see Cami and her boy and then get Jake and all the things of his we can move here...
Sam is planning to relocate to the Phillipines with his wife..she's from there and Jake will adjust his lfe plans..not much else he can do with Dad selling the farm Jake has helped keep going and helped support.
Jake will change his legal home address to here and move what he can to here for me to take care of for him, his great grandpa's desk, his Aussie saddle, his Studibaker Lark..quilt mom made...what ever else is important comes to Mom's house and he works on building his own life...
Ben is here visiting and has been helping me with some projects I needed done to make space for that huge old desk. I still have a lot of tidy work to do and my computer desk is going back to Mo and to Cami, she has place for it and can use it so I will gift it to her and then have the space once things are moved around for that very big desk that has become Jake's...
I'm battling the heels in his current socks but have them almost done and will before I go to bed. The alarm is set already, start work at 7 am tomorrow..
Will be having 4 days off over the holidays, that was a nice suprise, it will give me more time with Jake than I expected to have.
Well, at least I got around to posting something here...