Rain, Rain and leaking roof...

Man, I like rain storms but this leaking roof stuff gets old fast--and knowing I will be living with it for many more months or a couple years--that really stinks. But I will keep living in this old house, insurance is currently making the payments for me, and I will make them once I am back to work or when something is settled with the insurance. The insurance on the mortgage will make the payments as long as I cannot return to work so that is 1 worry off my shoulders.
Pal Julie was here today and we worked on making her some curtians for her trailer, it and her lot are now paid for. Usually we work on doll outfits but she had some fabric and so curtains for her bedroom were the project for today.
I am making progress on the house plans, and thinking on landscaping plans. I need to make several copies and ink the main 'walls' so that I can then do several different interior plans and do some exterior stuff too.
I really want a nice front/west porch on the new place, and would like it deep enough to sit out there and watch it storm when it's warm enough to do that. And a deck off the kitchen/east so I have a place to entertain and have a grill and cook out some.
I am considering long term insurance costs and long term having to pay my property taxes, and also up-keep costs and utilities and do plan to have solar panels and want to look into wind generators..
Mike is hauling from Albuquerque to Salt Lake again, think he got into Albuquerque Thursday and loaded out today...not sure if he has 3 cars or less...but it's not my business and not my finances to balance. And it won't become mine either.
Ben and I did haul sand out of the utility space under the house and now have a damp area that tells me there is a leak in the main sewer line so we will be doing some more digging and clear that pipe out so we can find the damage and repair it before we start storing anything in that area. No idea when or how long it's leaked, not much but enough that the sand is damp and staying damp.
Julie is coming over tomorrow and we will finish up her curtains and do some other stuff. We might even get up town so I can pay my insurance bills that are sitting on my desk. And we might work on some doll things too..

Staying Busy here

I am managing to stay busy here, Ben is back for a few days and is helping me with removing sand from the utility area so that we have more storage room under the house. Now I have a lot of sand to move onto the berm as I have time.
Ben will get his things stored under the house and help move Jake's so we can then again work on moving out more sand and making more space so I can start moving some things down from the attic to under the house.
I pulled up some info on monolithic homes and will do some rough plans and check into finding if there are any firms around this area building/putting up monolithic structures. I did get a new printer and it's software is installed on all my computers now. And was able to print out some floor plans from a company that does monolithic plans and building supplies.
I am considering buying a new landscaping program and playing with it and various house ideas so I have some 'view' of what I might end up with, if/when I buy some land and build a home.
Have church and doll club meeting tomororw, Ben will be here with Kid so that gives me less worry. Kid had his shots and has an appointment for nutering later this month. He is doing well here and getting a bit more energetic, he's been starved for a while and is somewhat run down but is young and seems healthy so should recover fast.
The foot and I go back to the docter Sept. 2, so I hope to see some improvement in the next 4 weeks and will try and not overwork it in the meantime. I know it is healing, and that I push too hard some times but I am trying to be more considerate of that damaged foot.
Mike is working on getting his finances in the black and his income taxes taken care of. His financial situation has had a negitave effect on my feelings and confidence in building a life with him. That is something I know is very important to me, financial stability and accountability.
I am working on getting my finances back in stable condition once again. It won't happen fast but I also know as long as I am careful I will see the debt load drop a little each month and in time I will have the settlement to pay off my debt load. But I am not waiting for that to start getting my finances under control and managable.
And I am no longer going to talk with Mike about the settlement or much of my long range plans for my life or the settlement. Right now I feel that is a wise decision, it is my settlement and I need to be the 1 making decisions. He needs to manage his own business and get it on track, it needs far more work than does my business or settlement.
So, despite a very painful foot, life here looks really good, got a dog who loves me, got space to store Ben's things, got a handle on my finances, got food in the house again, got great friends and a house over my head. Ya, life is looking pretty good here

New Kid in the house..

I admit I love dogs, and big dogs best of all, so now a neighborhood stray has gone from shelter across the street, to the house north of me, to my house. And I will admit once I was sure there was a good chance no owners were looking for him or would be claiming him, I was off to Wal-Mart to spend $80+ on dog stuff. Ya, food, chew bones, toys, cable tie out, collar. Flea stuff, wormer, and came home to set up for living with a pup that has a long way to grow into those huge feet.
I can afford to support him, and he's not too bad a Kid, doing good at leaving my things alone and only chewing on his things, doing all toilet things outside, needs some training but I only told him once last night 'Off' and he didn't try to crawl onto my bed with me.
He did ok with the trip in the truck, met the human #2 son and Tamara, coped ok with being fastened out on the new cable run while I took the human kids back to Rushville. We went up to get them so they could get a book and parts for Tamara's car.
Mike talks like he is working on his financial issues. He can or not, but I will rapidly end this relationship if he does not clean up his financial mess and we will both sign legal statements if he moves here that clearly do not give the other any legal claims on property or possessions owned by the other person or bought by funds earned or gained through any settlements.
Which translates to I will make sure my property and accounts stay secure and that long term he never gains legal claim to any of them.
He talks about what all he and Annette had, and how well they did financially but I will believe what I see and not what I hear. I do understand about all the yearly renewall costs hitting at the same time, they do for me also. But this financial bind seems to be on-going, and his income taxes not even being filed is a bit scary for me. He does say he will get that taken care of as soon as he can get down to St. George and get the needed paperwork.
In the meantime I will do what I need to do with my life, and get finances in order, some things here at the house done, like Ben's stuff better stored and not in my way, the weeds and grass cleaned up in the garden and flower beds and so forth.
I do not think foot is ready for back to work but do feel it is making progress every day, not fast progress but progress.
I need to work on some doll things, wish more of what I had up for sale at Kish-Chrysalis/yahoo would sell, but I do have things cut out and need to work on getting them sewn and done.
Well, I need in clothes and boots and see if Kid will go out and spend some time outside while I work on some of that grass left in the garden to clean out.
Tomorrow is See Dr Mulshine day and as a friend also has MRI and needs a driver coming back, we will go together and that will probably do in my mall crawling and trying to find some non-steel toed boots I can wear. Steel toes are fine but I do know I will be keeping this foot in boots most of the time for a long time to come and need something more than work boots for that.

August is here!!!

Let's see, the lawn is mowed, the plum trees no longer have plums, most of the weeds and grass are out of the garden, I have the materials ready for tomorrow's job. Church was really good, foot is not happy with me, that has something to do with why most of the garden is free of grass and weeds.
I got Martha's project done and delivered, Tamara's socks are knit and only need the ends worked in, Julie's sock yarn is ready to work and I am casting on the first sock, the humming birds found the feeder finally.
Jake called Friday around 6 am, good connection and great to hear his voice, he has gotten the first box I sent, not the 2nd and I mailed another Friday. He says 'sand just like in the movies' and temps of 130, all the water at the Army base he's at is trucked in.
Mike is in Albuquerque, my cell phone is on the kitchen table turned off, Mike does know it's turned off and I want some space while I think some things out. His finances being still in a mess is my stress issues, and I did let him know that. It's not about the funds I put into helping him out, it's about the mess his finances are Still in, it's about 2x in 5 months the Verizon service has been so far behind his service has been shut off or almost shut off, despite my putting $325 into that in that same 5 months.
I have had times of extreme poverty and I still never had my phone or utilities shut off. I have managed to build up credit and this accident has brought that down some but I will rebuild it. And I have been building up those material goods we humans need, like a running vehicle and a roof over my head. I can do those things for myself and I can hire someone to do what I physically am not able to do.
There is little place in my life for someone who cannot manage their own support, and I am not saying Mike cannot support himself, but he has some serious financial issues that he needs to deal with if he wants a long term, working relationship with me. He needs his taxes filed and paid or making payments on that, he needs to keep his bank account in the black, he needs to get his trucking business in the black.
It remains to be seen if he can do that on his own but I have invested all the money I am willing to and it is not important to me that those funds are paid back, what does matter is that he gets financially stable and stays that way. And I will not help that come about.
It is my job and my responsibility to deal with my debt load, my credit cards and the huge amounts I now owe. It is my responsibility to make sure State Farm has all the information I can give them with this accident settlement, that means the photos and list of shoes I will never fit in again, the reciepts for the new work boots, the new air balance sneakers and the clothes I was wearing that were cut off me at the hospital.
I do take in every medical paper that comes here so they can make copies for their files, and I do try to keep them updated on my medical progress. I do know this will help with some of the details of the settlement.
I do my mowing and house chores, keep working on the budget and the doll clothes. I work on the weeds in the garden and flower beds, I take care of what is mine to the best of my ability. I now feel I have solid ground to stand on, did before this accident and I admit it shook the foundation of my little world but it shook it, not broke it to pieces.
Mike has a lot to learn about me, some things I am not able to explain or talk about easily. I do not want to run his life or control him, but I do have a right to protect myself from financial damage. I know he doesn't plan to dump his problems on me or on my door step but that could very well happen unless he take care of them.
My own finances are not very stable but they are getting more stable each month. I know it will take me a long time to get them back to what they were before this accident--without the settlement. But I can get my financial 'house' back in order, and I do know there is that settlement that will really change my finances long term.
It's going to be secured very fast, as will any properties it buys and the buildings/improvements on that land. I don't plan to let anyone freeload or live off me, or off that settlement from my accident.
I'm not happy about the situation, I am not happy with the stress and the lack of trust I now have in Mike's ability to be financially stable. But I know what issues are mine and which ones are his doing/his problem. Words are easy, but it's the actions that prove value to those words.
I have no idea even if Mike takes the time to ever read my blog, but the link is where he can easily find it and I know I have given him the link. I feel he 'slides' away or 'gets a phone call' or 'has to go' when I bring up some things. So, I will not try to discuss things very much.
I will do what I need to do for my own stability and balance, both emotionally and financially. It's something I have learned to do, and am very capable of doing.

July's almost gone

And I still have a lot of grass and weeds in the garden to clean out, the plum trees need me to clean up under them, the flower beds need cleaned out..the list is long.
But I am wearing steel toed work boots every day and working in them here at home, I have 2 pair to get broken in, 1 pair is wider and higher topped and those are the pair State Farm will be re-imbursing me for. That is going ok, I think the back of the left heel is having more problems with the damaged boots than the right mangled foot is.
Mike is here, hauled cars into IL late last week and now is waiting on checks to get into his bank so he has fuel $$ and can then book cars needing moved and be working again. I didn't expect him to come and then end up waiting on funds to be back on the road. But it is his business and his job, not mine.
I did finally get my disability pay problems resolved and should see that deposited in my checking account either this Friday or next. I only get 18 weeks total and it's now almost 28 weeks from when I had my accident so it's taken almost 4 months to get this paperwork problem resolved. It seems that it's been faxed and faxed and not scanned and keyed into the correct file--and NO one working there could find it or get that corrected???
Mike and I did go look at the land I am interested in, and do drive bys with the 2 places with homes on them that are on my 'wish list' and we also went and looked at modulars and found a floor plan that was very workable.
The settlement will be tied up as fast as I can get that done once this is settled, I have several places/people who will help me with investments and I have a list for that move out of town dream. And know which new vehicle and even which salesman I will be going to.
I still might be getting a lawyer before it's all done, and did discuss with Mike why his insurance agent and the lawyers she knows and trusts are NOT who I will be dealing with. They are in Utah, I am in IL and I will have a lawyer here whose office I can walk into and meet with in person. Everything will end up in some sort of trust that will secure it for my blood heirs, and for my use.
I have confidence in him being able to support himself and to also buy things he wants or needs or feels are important. I did not explain that includes a sofa or couch for my next home. That is and will continue to be a very low priority item for me...I have never been a person for laying around on the couch and so it's not important.
My foot has made good progress but there is no way to know if I can work long term at Cargill until I am trying to do that job. I sure hope to be back there before the end of Aug. and to be able to stay long term.
Our doll club went by train to Chicago to public day with the UFDC convention, or at least some of us were able to go and had a great time. I was suprised at how well my foot tolerated the trip and all the walking and standing around I did. And I had great fun.
I am not happy about the situation with Mike's financial bind but as I have already invested $$ into his business when I was out with him in March, and I have far too many responsibilities of my own, I will not scramble my budget and finances to help him out. He might eventually re-imburse me what I have already paid into fuel and meals and the new ramps, but I am not concerned about that money. I am just not going to put any more into his business other than pay some on the cell bill with Verizon, my phone adds $10/month to that bill and I have no problems paying on it and paying more than my cell services costs. But I am not going to be playing tourist now, or doing any other helping him out, and I am not doing a lot to entertain him.
It's not a vacation that he is on, it's supposed to be working and expanding his area of car hauling so he can work on building this relationship he wants with me. I have no problems doing my share of work but from the very beginning, before this accident, I was very clear about my life being here. I will not relocate from this area, the accident will not be changing that.

Saturday

I got the mowing done, foot was not impressed but the job got done and the place looks better. I will have to water later but for now I am staying out of the heat outside.
I am doing a lot of thinking about what I will be able to do, physically in the future, have some big decisions to be making and need to look at a lot of different issues and what I really need and want. Lots of different angles to consider.
Today the mail had the green card, so someone with Standard Insurance signed for the forms 7/14 and no one can claim (again) that the rest of my disability pay from the plant is being held until they get more medical information from my doctor. I would like to see the rest of my disability show up in my checking account by Friday the 23rd but know they will drag it out as long as they can.
I can't find the doll pj pattern I wanted to work with but do have a nice summer dress pattern and plenty of fabric that would work with it, plus fabrics that would make great summer shirts. I need to get out some fabrics that will work for more cargo pants also, have some that looks like camo somewhat and could do a couple pair out of that. If I don't sell some outfits soon I will be running out of room for them.
Mike says he's loading 3 cars to haul from Salt Lake to Peoria, and will leave Monday. I don't know how long the trip will take, or how well the truck and trailer will make the haul but I decided a couple months ago that Mike's trucking business is His business and I am not going to worry, advise or invest in it.
I have a lot to work on in my own life, my finances are not in good shape, my house is a mess, my garden is overgrown, I am still healing up from this car accident and from this most recent surgery and still have a lot of pain and problems wearing shoes any length of time.
Right now there are at least 2 places up for sale that would work for me, once I have my settlement, the 1 with the huge house and no screening from the highway, and the 1 that is just land and maybe more than I really want to manage. Both have good points and bad ones. And neither might be still for sale when I am finally have my settlement from this accident.
The foot really hurts, I had thought that by now I would have far less pain. I do know the surgery has helped but I am just not healing as fast from this last surgery as I thought I would. The surgery scar looks good though and I am putting a lot of cocoa butter cream or emu oil on it several times a day. I am just so tired of hurting like this all the time. I am not getting a lot done while I spend so much time down on the futon or on my bed. Brusing, the bone where the shaving/chipping/filing took place, the nerves that got moved around, streached, frayed. I think it's those nerves that 'twing' and have me to the point of screaming that is the worse. I know all the pain is reduced from jsut after the surgery and just after the staples were removed.
Well, nothing good to watch except music videos, being up on my feet has me almost in tears from pain (again) so I need to figure out what I am going to do to get through the hours.

Bernadette's Closet is Open

I finally got some doll outfits done, the photo shoot done and edited and an 'for Sale' album up at Kish Chrysalis group on Yahoo...so far no sales but some interest. So, this is a start, later than I had planned last fall or the first of the year, but I am making progress.
And Ben is helping me with the weeding in the garden so that is going faster, my foot is letting me do more shoe wearing so that is helping and it is also letting me sleep a bit more.
And I have been looking at companies that make geo-dome homes/kits for home ideas for that land I looked at. I know I am a long way from settlement for this accident but I am making some plans and decisions about what I need to do with the settlement. At least 2/3 of it will go into investments that will help make me an income.
I hope to go back to work and be self supporting once again but know I have to plan for the years ahead. So, investments that make and re-make income do really matter. And setting them up so they stay working for me matters too.
I hope to have enough settlement to take 1/3 and pay off all my debts, buy the out of town place of my choice and do the work needed there to have what I want for a home and green house, water system, machine shop building. And I have a max amount I will spend so if the settlement is at or over 1 mil, the $ figured for home site does not get to increase too.
Mike thinks he will be able to haul a load to Peoria area by sometime next week, I will be gone Wed. night and Thursday, and plan to talk to Jason at State Farm early next week and see if I can pick up my lost wage check Wed. while I am in town and not need to come back for it Friday.
I know I will have a long and fun and busy day Thursday with the group from my doll club going by train to Chicago for Public Day at the UFDC Convention.
And it's great that I and possibly another of our group will be doing a 'sleep-over' with Cindy so we don't have a long drive before we get on that train around 6 am. Another fun thing for me and I will be taking Cindy some outfits from Bernadette's Closet for her dolls as a hostess gift.
Our temps have some down some but not a lot and it's very humid out, even this early in the day, but I am enjoying summer, even if I cannot do all the things I had hoped to be doing.
It is now just past 6 months since the car accident, my foot is still healing from the surgery done on June 21, but it is making good progress and I really do think I have a better chance of being able to go back to Cargill and my job there in supply.
Mike has a long way to go with getting his trucking business on solid ground, financially and he will have to do it on his own, I cannot help him at this time and when I have the settlement, I will not put money into something that is not a solid investment and with good books I can look at and know what I am investing in.
I do think in time Mike can turn his trucking into a profitable business but he will have to do it on his own.
And I will not be getting married now either, just too many financial issues lurking to attach to my income/property/settlement from his IRS obligations, and his past marriage. I have plenty of my own problems to deal with, my own financial issues to take care of and I am not at all willing to share out this insurance settlement to pay off some one else's debts.
But I do a lot of thinking and day-dreaming about what I would do with that 20 acres I looked at, and have a 'game-plan' for the house on 4.6 acres I looked at. It's currently a short property list for buying and either or both might be sold before I have my settlement but at least the realtor and I know we can work together to find what I want. She has enough info from me now and has met me so won't be wasting her time or mine showing me things that are not workable for my needs and wants.
Now it's time to get this posted and get bibs on and go work out in my garden for a while, before it gets hot.

looking at land...

Well, it's been 3 weeks since the last surgery and I wore sneakers today and went to look at 20 acres that are for sale...grass and weeds and a blank canvas I could do a lot with. Cornered on 2 black top roads, not a bad drive into Beardstown or to Cargill for work.
And the foot is making progress, better progress than my bone dr. and I expected..I am not yet dancing but I am sure walking better and I expect to be down at the Y walking and riding the stationary bike within a week.
I don't feel I will be ready for Cargill and 8+ hour work days, 40+ hours a week by Aug. 5, my next dr. appointment but I am feeling like there is a good chance I will be going back to my supply clerk job before fall has really set in..hope, pray..work hard at it.
And I have some doll outfits ready to do a photo shoot and then put up for sale at 1 of the on line doll groups I am in. It would be great if some or all of them sold, I can always make more clothes for my dolls, LOL, sell what they are wearing and make more and put them up for sale..that would be fun and make a bit of play $$$.
I do have plans to buy land or a place out of town with some of my settlement money and invest the rest in long term stuff that will pay me an income, and then re-invest that If/while I am earning that Cargill paycheck. I want some place to build a small farm.market garden and a life I really like with more privacy and space.
It won't be easy, and it will be my place and my decisions alone. Unless someone is willing and able to invest financially the same amount of money I put in, it stays just mine....and at this time Mike is struggling to pay his bills on time and keep his truck and trailer licensed. He has back income tax return to file and pay income taxes, he might have debts from his marriage with Annette to deal with so I am not willing to gamble my settlement, or paycheck or credit on anything that is not on solid financial grounds.
I have worked hard for years to have what I do have here, and I have made some really bad choices in the past and learned some hard lessons from them. I will not be putting my name on any joint bank accounts, and I will not invest any money into anything that is not already a solid and profitable business.
Buying a home with some land out of town with some of my settlement funds is not the same, it is a home and garden that I cannot turn this small property into. And it will not be an 'us' or 'we' thing. My vehicles are mine, not 'community' or 'family' propety, and while I am willing to 'share' my home and bed with a man I do care about, I am not doing any partnership or giving that same man much 'vote' or input into what I decide to buy, how I decide to invest and that list goes on.
We are both in our 50's, with grown children and past marriages/relationships. I don't expect someone to support me, to pay my bills or take care of me. I also am not willing to support them, or pay their bills or take care of them.
There will not be any vacations, trips to Europe or other places that I pay for, unless I am going alone and it's my earnings that I have saved up for that trip..my settlement is not going for such foolish things. I don't plan to buy what I do not want to have, and I do plan to have my life run the way I like it. Being able to support myself gives me the right to be my own boss, and if some man wants a 'partnership' he will have to be a true partner, that means both financially and work wise. And that means being able to put both the $ and the work in before he gets much of a vote.
I'm thinking a geo-dome for a house, and no huge whirlpool bath tub, whirlpool, maybe, but not huge. I am seeing a lot of money and work in planting trees for windbreak along property lines on the west and north, and fencing along the property line, I want to know where my lines are and I want others to know also...
Look into wind generators, solar power, sand points and solar power for that along with electric back up.
It will take a machine shop/garage and a green house, a very small tractor and some equipment and a green house. A lot of planned out irrigation and water lines laid out and a raised road bed into the property, and power and phone lines.
So, now I have 2 places on my list for potential places to settle into, and I have a foot that is feeling more like it just might make it back to Cargill and give me back some of that life I worked so hard to build here.
And I have a start at that dream of mine for selling my own label doll fashions, some hand work on a few things and some photos and I will have be putting BERNADETTE'S CLOSET out there for others to see, and hopefully buy...
I will honestly say I do feel Mike has a lot of work to do with his trucking business, at this time he will stay based in Utah, and I am ok with that. But we do not have much of a relationship with living over 1000+ apart,and we are not building much of one any time in the future. It's just not possible.
That does not mean I am 'dumping' things, but I am being practical and realistic about things. Dreams are nice but they do not fix leaking roofs, put groceries in the house, keep the heat bill paid in the winter, the phone and internet service paid for.
I do think Mike will be able to pull his trucking business out of the hole it happens to be in right now, but I already invested money in that business when I was out west with him this spring while I was still in the cast. Now, it's up to him to take care of his business and I will work on what I need to do here.
I have a lot of paperwork to keep dealing with, and bills here to keep track of and keep paid. A garden that needs a lot of hours of hard work to clean out the grass and plum trees that need picked and cleaned up. I have sewing work I want to get done and knitting projects to take care of. And the therapy program my doctor and I agreed will work best for my and my foot.
So, both of us have some very seperate responsibilities to be working on and taking care of. He will be out here when he can make it out this way, not to relocate at this time but he hopes to be soon hauling out this way now and then.
It's not perfect but it can be workable for both of us as long as we both understand our lives are seperate and will be staying that for for the forseeable future.
This accident has changed how I look at the future, and what I see long term for my life and direction. My 'roadmap' for life was torn to shreds and now I am looking at working out a new roadmap and direction. And it does need to be my decisions and what I feel/know will work for me long term.
And I do not feel it is selfish to be firm about some things, it's not 'our' place as long as I am the 1 who has paid for the land, the house construction, the improvements, and so forth. I do not look at Mike's truck and car hauler as 'ours', in fact I do not want any part of it. It's not a good financial investment and if I want to throw away money I will buy a lottery ticket or another doll for my doll collection, shoes for my dolls, patterns to sew with...

And the foot still hurts..

But I drove myself to Springfield and did my errends there, met with a realtor here in town and made an appointment to see a property next week, had supper with friend Nancy, talked to Mike on Skype and worked on the camp shirt pattern I am trying to adjust for the Kish dolls.
Nancy kept telling me how bad my foot looks. It looks better than it did with the staples in..and better than it did the day after the accident..ok, so I didn't get to see it then..but you get the idea.
Yes, there is a lot of swelling, and it's expected, and pain, yes, I was told. It will slowly go down, it will improve, at least to a certain point. We do not know that point until foot gets there and stops improving...
There is a quilt show in Jacksonville I would like to go to tomorrow if the foot is up to that. And if I can get 1 camp shirt made that fits ok I want to do a couple photos outside. And the plums need picked, put them up on freecycle and hope I can get people to come for them.
It's not raining and I am so glad of that, the house needs to dry out, the lawn needs mowed and I need to clean out the weeds and grass in the garden as I am able to.
Mike thinks he will be here by early Aug. but I don't expect that to work out. If I count on him getting here by a certain date I will be setting myself up for disappointment. But he thinks the truck is ready for the trip and all the scales and DOT checks that coming here will mean.
He and I have a lot of things to work out, learn where each of us draws those lines. I am far more independent and self-suffecient than any woman he has been involved with has been. And I am not willing to do much joint accounts, have been burned that way, I do not want my name on his accounts and his name will not be on mine.
I have been living on my own and going my own way for a very long time, even when my sons moved here for work I did not change my solitary ways. They were adults and it was not my job to cook, clean or do their laundry...so I do not plan to become the cook and housekeeper for any man.
This insurance settlement will be my business and I will choose my own investment assistance and my own lawyer when and if I feel the need for one. And what it buys will be in my name alone or in a trust that only my blood/genetic decendants have gain from when I am no longer living.
Mike will have to accept that I will not be very involved in his children's lives, have no interest in becoming 'Grandma' to his grandkids or want to become business partners unless he is able to put 50% or more of any start up costs.
My vehicles will be mine, he will need to own and maintain his own, it's not my job to provide any one else with 'wheels'. That might sound selfish but I have provided my own transportation and supported my own transportation and figure if I can do it, then any one else can also.
I will live in my own home, and I will pay the bills there, but if anyone else wants to eat, they better help buy the groceries, do the cooking and pull their weight with work needing done.
I won't be paying for any one else to have great vacations, I don't plan to make life 'easy' for any one.
This accident has changes a lot of things in my life but it is not changing who I am and what matters to me. It has taken me a long time to become the woman I am, I have paid a very high price for some of that learning and will not let a large insurance settlement turn me into a fool.
I also will not judge Mike by anyone else but by his own actions.
It will take me a long time to get my credit back in good shape because of this accident. I worked hard to repair it after the foreclosure in MO, and did not have it back to where it was when Con-Agra shut down. Now it's going down the tube again and I will accept that and know I can rebuild it once the settlement is paid out and I get things back in order, some debt paid off and my life back on some sort of track that works for me.
Life is really good, but I work to make it good, it does not just happen that way. I have a long way to go to rebuild my life and make it into something that works for me, but I do know what does not work for me.
I hope to go back to work at Cargill but now can accept that I might not go back to my job, but I will do something else and I will make life work and like what I make it into.

No Staples!!!!

The staples came out, and that was ouch and more ouch, think 1 out of 10 didn't hurt when removed. The new x-rays look good, Dr. Mulshine was able to remove ove 1/2 inch of bone edge and smooth it, this should help the tendon in that area and the nerves which apparently were running across that broken edge of bone.
There is a lot of swelling that will slowly go down, I am not back into shoes yet but once I am I can start back to walking at the gym at local Y and also stationary bike when I feel ready. I think this, once I am healed up, will increase my odds of returning to my job at Cargill. And I am all for doing that.
The foot will always be deformed some, but I think it will be more tolerant to being used as a foot, I know I have a ways to go yet but at least I am making some progress once again.
And we got rain again, and the roof leaked, both in the night and then in the rain that started before Julie and I got back to Beardstown.
So, this ended up being a very great birthday...and Ben and Tamara took me out to pizza then we girls gave in and watched Zombieland or some such thing with Ben...now the movie can be returned to Kim.
And I am thinking a geo-dome would be the great house to live in on that land I don't own but hope to some day..few acres and a little market garden, a job I love, a home in the country I love, place for my sewing and books and dolls...ya, I could really think my life was going well again...
Foot hurts right now but I am winding down and will soon be tucked in and sleeping. Had a long and busy day but it was a really good day.
Tomorrow I need to call American Family on my supplimental income insurance claim and see where the paperwork on that is..chase it down...
Got the 'have to pay' bills written down for Friday so will have that organized and should be up to driving myself, oh, that sounds great!!!
Maybe the weeds and grass in the garden will get worked on again, that sounds good, along with getting plums picked and I can mow my own lawn again.
Have patterns and fabrics for doll shirts/tops and the blue thread I needed to sew some of the stuff I have cut out...progress, progress...
Back to the doctor 8/5 and hopefully by then I should have most of the insurance battles and bugs worked out for a while...

Foot hates Staples

The foot is miserable, the staples come out tomorrow..the foot is recovering from the surgery, no new problems, it is just staples and the surgery ouches..
The plums are getting picked, as I can find people to come pick them and take them away. I am working on some knitting projects and on some doll clothes projects. Ben is up in Rushville and I really like having my place to myself, just wish his stuff was elsewhere, and stored under the house in the utility area Does count as 'elsewhere'.
The kid north, Nick, had his vehicle side-swiped last last night, the kid that did it was parked a couple blocks up the street at his mother's place. Crime quickly solved by Beardstown police..I really do have good neighbors whose house was broken into and robbed while they were out of town on vacation, thieves were rapidly caught, most of the goods were returned..
Heat index is high today and the garden is turning into a weedpatch once again. I need to be battling that and will as foot allows--which is not nearly enough right now to keep up with the growth...
Budget is going to be snug for a while but have property taxes and house insurance to make and know I will rest better once both are paid. I will keep battling Standard Insurance for the rest of my disability pay, and I will call American Family about the supplimental income and see if they have all the paperwork they need to get that claim started and the first check to me..
It's going to be ok, I will make life work for me..but the reality is that I will be making it work for me and there is no one for me to fall back on. I have great friends, my sons are not bad guys but they have lives of their own to work on.
So, I am ok with the independent and on my own stuff. Had a lot of practice and have learned the hard way to not count on, not depend on and not put much trust in any man to be there. Not saying men are bad, just that my life works far better with far less problems IF I do not depend on a man to 'come through'. Words are great, but are meaningless without the actions that back up those words..and once said, yes, I do watch and see if the actions are there to accomplish what was said.
I know I have personal issues of my own, and financial issues that also are my own making and my own responsibility. But I have for years been taking care of that and will continue to do so. It will take me some time to get the balance back after this accident and the financial damage it has done to me, but it will happen and I will get out of the red and in the meantime, I rarely am getting deeper in the red and each month actually climb some out, not much but any step ahead is better than a step behind, even staying in the same place is better than sliding back a bit.
So, do what I need to do here, have laundry basket with clean things that need put away, have plenty of dirty stuff to wash, have letters to write, a package to send off to Jake, doll tops to create...and most of the time I really like the life I have. Not the accident, but I am dealing with that, and will continue to deal with that.

Fresh Plums

The plums on my trees are ripe, and the trees are loaded. I also was not able to spray with dormant oil this Feb. or with anything for bugs after blooming times. So the Japanese beetles are rampant and so are several other nasties--but I still have a lot of fruit and have been doing some work cleaning up the dropped plums and weeds.
I know I am so very fortunate with all the insurance coverage I have that is helping pay bills for me and support me. I know I am fortunate that my son and his gal pal were not badly hurt and that I did not get more injured that I have been.
And I have a great support team that is helping me, my friends here, my internet friends, the prayer groups that have me and my foot on their list.
So, all in all, I cna say that this weekend, when we celebrate the founding of this country I live in, it's a good weekend, regardless of the opinion of my blasted right foot. Hope every one has a very good weekend

Miserable foot..

I know I am whining, but this blasted foot does not want to quit hurting, and I know getting the staples out will help and that happens 7/6. Today is 7/1 so that is closer than I was 3 days ago. I know this surgery will help some and that the pain will lessen once the staples are out..after the foot gets over that 'project'.
Jake called from Darwin Australia the other night, just had a minute or 2 but he's fine, happy and has t-shirt and coffee cup for mom, Mom asked for post card mailed from there that she can rub in his older brothers faces. He's going places they only dream of seeing, he has steady paycheck and the other 2 don't even do much job hunting as far as Mom can see...that might explain why I keep knitting socks and sending boxes to that son and don't do much for the other 2...got to earn those 'mom perks' once you get old enough to work...
I do have some doll things cut out today and will work on them in a bit, doing some of that 'down with foot up' stuff that does help lessen the pain and the swelling.
Later I need to go talk with the union chief about a few things, go to Wal-Mart and get more wrap so I can re-dress the foot..and I need a shower so that means bagging the foot so it stays dry.
But I am able to shower far easier than with the cast and the cast was on 5 or 6 weeks, and I survived that pain and the walker and know I am walking, not even using the cane most of the time, I am running my sewing machine, working in my garden some so I have made progress.
It's been a long, long recovery but I have gained some each week.
I know that I won't ever be back to where I was before this accident. That fact took me a long time to accept but I have walked through that rough patch and have it behind me. And I am looking at what I can do, what I can build for my life 'post accident' and know I can make a good and content life and I can do it 'on my own'.
But I also know that beyond doubt, all the best 'cards' are in my hand when it comes to car accidents, no medically documented prior medical issues to complicate what is prior problems/damage and what is NOW, no weather issues to be partially to blame, and the clearly at fault driver had very good insurance, as did I. And we both had valid license, I was slowing down to try and avoid/lessen the accident.
So, money-wise, I will have a large settlement and I am already working on investment ideas/plans and I am going to be mean, nasty and hard about this settlement. It has to provide for my life, and for a long life and for any up-coming medical issues that show up down the line.
And I know that before this surgery I didn't have very many days in a row that were this painful. Well, I did but had moved beyond that place, so it stinks to go back to spending so much time down with my foot up.
I know most of me is ready to go and do things, the right foot might never be ready for that, and there are things the right foot will Never be able to do..but I am very fortunate and count my blessings every day..just whining about the hurting that gets really vicious and mean the past few days.

Chasing Paperwork

Today started out good, Ben and I shipped a box to son Jake, somewhere with a bunch of other Marines on a nameless ship in a nameless location and then did breakfast at McDonalds. I had a real Phone Call from that Jake which was a huge suprise and so got to tell him a box was on it's way.
An errend for a friend and then off to Springfield about the supplimental income insurance I took out in December and did NOT know would pay me while I am off work with this accident. It's something I took out in December 2009 because I was worried about being out of work Sick...and never thought about after.
The policy came after the accident happened, got shuffled around until it ended up in the doll clothes patterns I was playing with the days before the accident. And they have an office in Springfield..so appointment there and then off to gather medical records from the first hospital stay and the 2 out-patient surgeries. And sort through the papers, and the insurance office in Springfield will get the paperwork off to the main office..and maybe in a reasonable time I will see the first check and hopefully it will be for the 3 hospital/out-patient trips and all the weeks of weekly income it's supposed to pay..
But that is done for now, and I can hope to spend a couple quiet days at home and not be on my feet so much. And work on doll outfits, and weeds in the garden and some of those other silly things I do with my hours.
I'm not sleeping very well but think most of that is this foot and staples project. It is healing and I have 1 more week to 'tough it out' and I am able to be up and walking more and using the cane far less...
So, a good and informative day and hopefully I will soon have a healthy insurance check and can get that air cond. in my old truck working.
The sounds I am hearing outside make me think we will be getting more of that rain stuff..well, everything I planted out front this spring is really thriving with all this rain. I have only watered it 2 or 3 times since planting.
Some new fabrics to wash and dry and maybe I will get Julie's sewing machine working for her so we both can sew. I really need to get some things done and then get photos taken and put them in a 'for sale' album at the on line doll groups I am in. I might actually get something sold!

Thursday again...

24 weeks today since the accident and I was inside the plant today!!! The first time in 24 weeks, and it was just to get another insurance paper filled in and signed..and my personal items out of my locker. The landscaping that was put in a couple years ago is looking great, and it was good to see the gals in HRD, I used to make sure they got their office deliveries and paper..now someone else is doing those duties while I am working on recovery.
Ben did take me to see some of the storm damage that had not yet been cleared up, it's amaging to see huge green trees turned over and their roots up, and some tore up sidewalks. We had some huge and very old trees torn out by the storm, but considering it whipped through this old river town and got trees all over, there has been very few homes and business buildings torn up. A fair share of vehicles were under trees, parked and I did see a few towed down wall street, looking like they lost the battle with the tree.
Insurance companies will be crying but it certainly could have been far worse and we all realize it and appreciate it. And the town will get cleaned up, the damaged and up-rooted trees will be removed, the holes their roots left will be filled in and in time some of those trees will be replaced with new growth.
Today would be my day off, unless I worked for someone else and got paid overtime, winter ended, spring came and went and now we are into summer. Turnover at the plant means there are a lot of new faces there, new people I don't know and now, might never know. I'm not going to go back to crying over this accident, I think I have about finished up the crying and am now starting to look at what pieces I have and what my life can become.
There's still a chance I can return to work, but where a couple months ago I knew I would be back at work and soon, now I know that the chance of that happening is not as likely as I had believed. But I still have a lot more weeks before the company terminates me, we have either 12 months or 18 to be out with non-work medical or other issues. 24 weeks is over 5 months but I still have a lot more months that I could recover, that my foot and my body could heal enough for me to return to my job.
In the meantime, the gals in HRD and I had a minute to talk, several have me on prayer lists at their churches, it's made a huge difference for me, knowing I matter enough for that, knowing they care that I am doing ok.
My life here has been so blessed and so good, if I can return to Cargill, that is great, and if not, my life here will still be a good one. I have the ability to make it a good life and State Farm will give me the financial ability to do that also.
And in the meantime, I have my garden to tend, my flowers to nuture, my friends, my knitting and sewing and all the many other 'gifts' that are my life here.

Storms and surgery..

Well, I thought surgery was rough, then life got rougher when a storm rolled in late Monday night and took out the power, a lot of trees, the roof from an apartment building, and made a mess of town. My power was out from about 3 am Tuesday until about 8:30 p.m. Tuesday but we didn't have a lot of storm damage here, tree limbs down at my neighbors, some smaller stuff down here and I still have a lot of small twigs and branches to clean up that came from nieghboring trees but it will be there later too.
This surgery go-round I have had a lot more pain but the foot is tolerating some weight today so that is making me hurt less using the walker. I am very out of shape, just ask all the places from my waist up that hurt from using that walker, and it's only been a day or 2..heal, heal, please--foot heal fast.
I got the insurance form back from my dr. that I left there Monday before the surgery and now it has to go to Cargill to be filled out by them and I will do that tomorrow. I have an appointment in Springfield with the company for this supplimental income insurance and that is my next Monday project. And I have everything organized and in the insurance file I am packing around now days.
Outside is very hot and humid but with all the rain I will say my plants are looking great, they came through the storm very well, the plum trees didn't even loose much fruit.
And I got the policy for our disability insurance at the plant, and it clearly states 18 weeks of disability so I am short 4 weeks and if the plant and union have not cleared that up by next Friday I am going to get an attitude. After 24 weeks of this accident recovery and the ton of insurance paperwork I have dealt with and the fact that that insurance has had the same forms filled out and turned in about half a dozen times now, yes, I am tired of dealing with it, I am owed the remaining weeks, get them paid NOW.
Since the power was out all over town McDonalds was closed and Julie came over early to 'Maggie' sit so Ben could help with clean up for my elderly neighbors. We got a sundress made for her Betsy doll and it went home in her pocket. She will be my driver Friday to get my lost wages check so that lets Ben have less on his shoulders. It will be cooking hot but I know once the insurance bugs are worked out and I get the monies owed I will have the funds for the air cond. repairs on my truck and have that done.
I do like the sundress pattern I drafted up and think it will work well for the 14 inch dolls but have not tried it with the Kish dolls but might get 1 done soon. It works up fast and can be done with a lot of different skirt options.
Well I need to get something more done here than blog...

Surgery update

Ouch and more ouch, I think I hurt more from this surgery than from the first one. And this time I have bled through the bandaging, and soaked the gauze pad that was put over that. I am on bedrest until Wed. and then I can be up as foot will tolerate it and it can support weight as it will tolerate. I cna also redo the dressing as I feel need, as of Wed. so that is a plus too.
I will not know what I have really gained for several weeks, some bone was removed from beneath a tendon and also the broken edge that has been a pressure sore problem.
When the heel bone was broken it was not the 'usual' downward/flat force breaking it. The foot was most likely broken by the brake peddle being shoved up, which shoved some of those broken pieces up as it broke the bones.
Since they could not be put back where they belonged, I now have a rather wierd heel bone with a jut out on 1 side..that is where the trimming was done..If it could have been put back where it came from, I would have far less problems, my heel is now very wide and slopes a lot to the outside edge. And that is only part of the reasons I have gait and pain issues that might be life long. I have been dealing with the pain without any meds, including over the counter, most of the time, so hope to continue that.
We, my dr. and sons, friends, myself, all hope that this surgery also helps improve my gait but the dr. and I are both aware it might not change that at all.
I hope to get all the paperwork for the supplimental income insurance ready and as they have an office in Springfield, I hope to be able to take it there when I go pick up my lost wages check from State Farm. That way I can make sure they have everything they need or want or get a list of the additional information they need. This insurance was 1 of the union sponsered things and I had signed up for it a month before the accident and thought it only covered if I was out due to illness. It doesn't pay me much per hospital/outpatient time nor does it pay me much per week but we are now at week 24 so that is a lot of weeks of back pay I am due...and hopefully I will get it filed for and see the check in a reasonable amount of time.
I know things with this accident could have been far worse and for the most part I do appreciate all of that. I am working on several different 'life plans' so that I have some ideas and some groundwork for something other than Cargill Supply clerk, if that is a short lived future or a job I cannot go back to at all.
A very large settlement from State Farm will be well invested, I am already doing some of the advance work for having several 'baskets' for several nest eggs. And I am looking into what all I can/would be able to do to earn a living IF I cannot do it standing on my feet for all or most of an 8 hour shift.
Job/education is an option I am willing to consider, it might be what is in my best interest long term and I know there is oppertunity for that education here in town, in Jacksonville and in Springfield..the gas costs will make me cry unless I do buy a very gas thrifty vehicle..but it's worth looking into....I have to have several options for a way to make a living, for a future I can like to be content.
Well, post this and then check past posts for typos....

Geting ready for surgery--again...

Looking at that truck makes me think the foot doesn't look so bad after all, at least it has improved a huge amount and my much loved little red truck has been hauled off for scrap long ago..
I have had a black Justy, a silver Accent and now a Red Mazda totalled, think I need a tank with cow catcher on front, sides and back....will settle for taking for the little gold truck and being glad I have transportation for now.
The weeds and grass are mostly gone from the garden and it will be a week or so before plums are ripe, but some are staring to turn. It will be a couple days before there are more squash and cucumbers to pick so I should be back in the garden before too much has happened there--so I hope.
Looking at dolls, and someone's new dress for their Kish, looks really nice, dropped waist dress with pretty ribon at waist, and on the Creamcicle doll with her lovely red hair...don't have 1 and they are going on E-Bay for more than I will/can pay....
Got most of the insurance paperwork started, am glad for insurance that makes the house payment and also the supplimental income stuff that I forgot about and am now starting that paperwork and will hopefully see the check for the back 23+ weeks come soon after they get all my paperwork..it's something we could get at a special price due to the union and I took it out about a month before the accident and was thinking it only covered if I was out of work due to illness, I know that has always been my worry, getting really sick and missing several weeks of work....
The current socks for Jake are going fast, will soon be putting heels in and then doing those long, long legs....his box is ready for mailing except for the customs paperwork, didn't know it took customs paperwork to ship stuff to a Marine on a US boat wth a bunch of Navy and other Marines..will get experienced, box has a pair in it so need it sent before this pair is done...
No food or drink after midnight--no tea to start my morning..I will be sad and missing my tea before that surgery time....Ben and I should eat in town before we come home...that and gas in the car are on the budget....
I do count my blessings here, know I have a lot to deal with but day by day I manage to do what needs done, and if I am not making progress with building savings or working down the list of old house jobs, I am seeing good progress with the landscaping. It's sweat equity more than $$ so that has helped and all the rain has mad it easier for my new plants and divided plants to settle in well.
I should be able to work on some sewing projects while I am again off my feet, have a sun dress pattern I am working on, think I need to go ahead and cut it out and see about fitting it to the doll and get a dress made up...it's 1 I think Julie will like and find easy to work with. She's going to finish the dress she has been working on and next I want her to learn to do gathered skirt to bodice and so the sundress would work for that and be simple.....plus that would give me a reason to get busy and work with the pattern..
Animal Planet is tonight's entertainment, Ben is asleep already, think this having a girl friend is hard on his sleep, he seems to spend time up with her and then is dead beat when he returns home...here people do not get to stay up all night and sleep during the day...

SSI

A couple friends of mine draw SSI, a friend of my friend Popeye draws it, 1 of the gals in 1 of my on line doll groups finally got approved..so it's something I know a bit about, not a lot though.
Here in the USA I get a statement from Social Security telling me what I have paid in, what my social security will be per month if I retire at 66, 70 and 62, what I can now draw for SSI benefits if I become disabled, what they pay out for death benefits, you know, that sheet you look at and then file or toss away.
So, now I wonder about that knitting blogger on the other side of the Missouri River whose blog I read and even now and then post a comment. She had a job that should have earned her far more SSI than I could draw if I have to start drawing it now, and with it comes qualifying for medicare, so now I have to wonder about 1 of her recent posts..about no income because she cannot work at this time, about the high costs of her therapists and all her medications....
My thinking is that she should be drawing SSI and medicare, which means those high $$$ numbers she put in her blog just might not be accurate, and that she is financially far better off than I am right now. I won't be sending any yarn gifts or buying her art. She's able to buy her own and is living with a man, her ex, who probably earns far more in 1year than I do in 2 or 3 years..
She's painfully shy but wears things out in public that scream "look at me". I don't know anyone who actually hates attention that willingly wears clothes that make them noticable out in public. And if going out of the house is so hard, I have to wonder how she managed the train trips I know she has taken in the past year or so, long train trips on trains full of strangers....
I'm a bit shy, not as bad as I was as a child or teen, I've worked hard to push myself to be more social, to talk to people and I do realize that no one is looking at me to find faults all the time, most of the time, no one is going to hurt or laugh at me..I'm no longer the shrinking wall flower I was at 14 or 5..good thing.
I will still read her blogs, and realize that someone who is or claims they are, seeing several different shinks, is on several strong anti-depression meds just has issues that are theirs alone, she's going to take things far more personal than they really are. But, since she can't work out her own head problems and get control of her life, be able to be self supporting, I don't see me looking for any support there, especially emotional support.
And I don't make phone calls often, don't have long distance service as I so rarely need it, a calling card from ATT works for that..minutes never expire and Jake is now out of reach so sure aren't calling his cell to gab with that boy. So, no, I sure would not call someone I do not know personally to get emotional support in dealing with this blasted life changing accident.
But I am tweaked that something so small as my size 7.5 foot could take control of my life and my future. I've always worn good shoes, tried to take good care of those feet that have to support all the rest of me, that take me where I want to go..you know, all that 'foot' stuff...
And now, 1 foot and the damage that has been done to is has changed my life, forever...rotten luck, but then I could have been far worse hurt, just look at my little red truck. And the driver at fault had great insurance that is being very responsible..yes, it could have been far worse...Ben and Tamara were with me and were not hurt very badly, Yes, God did take very good care of me..
I have some anger issues some days, some depressed, moody days, and I also am finally going through menopause so can blame that for some of the mood issues...
But I don't need a shink to get through this, or pills to help me cope..I do have a very solid faith in God, and some very solid friends that tolerate me on my really bad days, celebrate with me on the really good days and just are really HERE for me...even when I shut them out for a while.
Ya, I will still read her blog, but now with a different view point than I had at 1 time....it's amazing how her funny postings years ago were great and now too often her postings are ravings that just are not worth my time..and I really do manage to have plenty to do with my 'off work from acident' time...big garden to chase weeds and grass in, flower beds to do the same in, doll outfits to make, doll outfits to design and create patterns for first..knitting, friends I spend time with and church I need to be getting ready to head for....

Garden Produce!!

The first cucumbers and squash came out of the garden today and Ben and his gal pal helped some with the weeding project. I should have it about cleaned up before my surgery and my back to walker and keeping foot elevated...I will not be down long but with all our rains the weeds and grass grow fast.
And if it wasn't rain, I would be watering my garden and the weeds and grass there would still be taking over. It's an annual battle here that got worse with all the seeds in the compost I bought from the plant compost..loads more grass and weeds but it also helped my little sand lot..and all those weeds and grass are going to compost too..just not in my garden.
Monday insurance paperwork goes with me to leave at my dr.s office, the monthly form that gets my mortgage payment made and the new form for the supplimental income insurance--that I didn't think about until I found the policy--in the doll patterns I had been working on just before the accident..good thing Julie has gotten me working on that pile of patterns...the payment per week is not a lot, and it pays $50 per hospital day/outpatient surgery but since I didn't get it started when the accident happened they will pay up the back 23+weeks, the $150 for the hospital stay and 2 outpatient surgeries..so I will have the $$ to have the air cond. in my turck fixed and maybe even pay off my Victoria's account...and my property taxes this year...
I got 1 pair of socks done and in a box to ship off to that Marine son and I have another pair almost to the heel, they are going fast, light gray with re-inforced heels and toes..knit toe up and when I run out of gray the socks get black tops. It makes a lot faster knitting and more enjoyable for Mom.
Talked to Mike on Skype tonite, we've not done that for a long time, nice to see his face but he was playing cards with his family so it was a distracted conversation.
Well, I have early church so it's past time to get everything shut down and get some sleep...

Good Weekend

I had a good weekend, Ben went to spend time with his gal pal so I had the place to myself. Did some more work on the battle with weeds and grass in my garden, did a bit of movie watching and knitting and did some sewing. And even found time to take photos of some of my dolls in my front border. The dolls are all by Kish & Company and the girls are all wearing dresses from Bernadette's Closet, my label..my designs and my work...
Sunday starts with breakfast at McDonalds and then off to church in Rushville, and Sunday School, I attend the early service...
We had rain off and on, I was able to sit out on the front porch and do handwork during some of it..I am hoping someday to have a bigger porch and far more privacy than my busy city street for that sitting on the porch and watching the rain stuff.
Today my pal Julie was here to keep me company and work on sewing projects, she is learning some sewing skills and working on doll outfits for a doll I gave her several years ago. The great thing about learning to sew doll clothes is IF you mess up, not much loss in materials if you toss it out..and lots smaller when it comes to hand work, a hem turned up by hand on my skirts is far more time and work than a hem on a small doll dress...Julie is learning fast and a lot of fun to work with.
We've had enough rain for a while, I would like to get the weeds and grass cleaned up in the garden before June 21 and my next surgery on my foot. I will be back in the walker and unable to walk for several days, possibly as long as 2 weeks.
Mike and I talked on the phone, no news there, we talk every day--but he hopes to be moved out here in 4-6 weeks. I hope so, I can live with that schedule. And Ben will take me to surgery and Julie is going to ask where she works for July 6 off so she can take me for my appointment to get the staples out and then we can do the 'girls in town' fun.
And I found paperwork for some insurance I took out in December, payments come out of my checking automatically and that should pay me some for this accident, $ each time I am in the hospital, $ each outpatient surgery and $ per week I am off week. So, I have been in hospital, and have had 1 outpatient surgery, 1 coming up and have been off work because of this accident for something like 20+ weeks...the claim paperwork is being mailed to me..and I will get it filled out, all the copies of medical stuff made and it back ASAP...and hope for a big check that will hopefully go pay down some of that high interest credit debt that has built up with this accident...know I would sure feel better if I could drop some of the debt load, even if it's just a small amount.
This accident has been very hard on me, financially, emotionally as well as physically...

Kish kids in my flowers

About that accident

Bo, if you find time to read my blog, everyone who does read my blog..I am posting a photo of that little red truck I liked so much. This was taken about 5 days after the accident on 1/14/2010. My son and his gal pal were with me and both had very minor injuries. Most of me got off lucky, but my right foot/ankle recieved permanent damage. I am walking and I have surgery #2 on 6/21/2010. I might never be able to return to that supply clerk job I love so much, that employment that gives me a good standard of living, good medical benefits and retirement pension.
I read a blog that at times makes me wonder just how self centered any/all of us get at times. I hope I don't sound like I need/want everyone to be there for me..but, if you read my blog, just once, would you please say you do realize I am not having a perfect life..and that the problems in your life just don't always hit me as so terribly bad.
I do understand that being shy and depression--but I don't drown my fears, worries, or anything else in a bottle or takes chemicals to 'adjust' my brain chemestry. My problems are not brain/body chemestry--well, menopause can get some blame for a bit--but I do know I have the ability to cope and deal with my issues and problems.
Yes, this accident has changed my life, permanently..not just my right foot and my walk...emotionally, financially, physically--it's all been torn apart and I have to rebuild.
Very little will ever be the same, even sitting at my sewing machine and sewing has new challenges, washing the dishes, mowing the lawn..the life I had before 9:30 p.m. Jan. 14th of 2010 is gone and nothing I can do, nothing anyone can do will give me back all of that life.
There's no one going to pick up the pieces or pay the bills..yes, there will be an insurance settlement and IF I am fortuante I will eventually be able to return to that job I miss so much and am really good at.
If I am unable to do that job--I will cry and then start figuring out what pieces I do pick up and how I rebuild my life and world. It won't be the same as the 1 I had, it won't be the one I dreamd and thought I was working toward--but it will be mine and I will manage.
I am slowly cleaning the weeds and grass out of my garden, it's not the garden I had last year but it is a garden and the plum trees are loaded. I am seeing progress on those flowerbeds I have put 5 years now into building, growing, nuturing.
And I am teaching a close friend to sew, and how to adjust and fit doll patterns to her Betsy McCall doll. That doll was my Christmas gift to her years ago, came in just underware so Betsy has been waiting a long time for Julie to start that wardrobe.
So, I don't make jewery or knit wild and unusual things but I do still play with dolls and I do own my own label and I will still work on getting that label known in places where doll lovers go looking for clothes for those dolls I do sew for.
I am not the woman I was before the accident, I don't know who I am becoming right now. I think the butterfly has a better life change. But I cannot change what has happened, I can work on how I deal with it and what I do, what decisions I make.
I thank God daily for all the many, many blessing in my life, they are countless..but I also acknowlege that I have some anger issues, more moodiness, and a lot harder view and attitude. And I know that hard view and attitude are what has gotten me through the pain filled days and nights, the isolation my injuries have created. And it will help me make wise long term decisions financially and emotionally as I rebuild myself and my life in the coming months and years.

June is here and going fast

Time is flying--or I don't make time to blog..but the garden is growing and I am working to catch up with the weeds and grass there. The flowerbeds are looking good this year so far, it's great to see what all has really settled in well and is thriving.
The roof leaks worse than it did this time last year..but some day I will have a new roof.
The foot is making little progress at this time but I have another surgery to trim/smooth some rough bone edge that is causing pressure sore problems and a lot of pain so I am really looking forward to that and hoping it helps with not only pain but also wearing shoes and walking with less pain and less gait problems.
I am working to keep finances in better control and deal with my debt load and not do as much wasting money. There are a lot of responsibilities on my shoulders and I will continue to deal with them and take care of them.
Right now I am working on taking care of my life and my issues/problems, including this accident and all the waves it has created in my life, both emotionally and financially. I do know I am not able nor am I willing to take on the problems or responsibilities of someone else, no matter who it is or how I feel about them. My ability to cope is limited and I am accepting those limits, just cannot streach or give as much as I could even 6 months ago.
I know I have to be very carefull and invest the settlement when I get to that place, I do know now there is no way I will be working all the years I had planned to before this accident, my foot problems are going to create a lot more stress on my knees, hips and spine. That really stinks but I cannot fix all of it and neither can any doctor. I will count the blessings where I find them and appreciate the healing I have had and what healing I end up with when I am to the point the doctor or doctors determine I am as healed as I will probably ever be.
I do know there's no hero coming to make anything here perfect and wonderful and I won't expect the lottery to be mine either--but State Farm is dealing with this very responsibily at this time and I will hope they continue to do so..and if need be I do know how to get a lawyer and work with that.
Mike and I don't talk much right now, time schedules are not matching up well for that and there's a lot I am not talking about right now..just things we both have to work on and work out..and responsibilites that need taken care of by each of us.
I know I will not be having anyone else shoulder my debt and financial issues, they are my doing and I will be taking care of them..and I won't be taking on those that belong to someone else. Making sure they are not able to become my problem or that my settlement cannot be attached or taken, to pay IRS or other debts is very high on my list of why I will make some decisions and choices...
There's a place up for sale I have always loved the look of--I don't expect to be able to buy it, am sure it will be sold before I have my settlement but I will take photos and go see the interior of the house Friday. It's 4.6 acres and out of town but close enough for a easy drive to Cargil and work..and I could have so much fun with it. Plenty of room for small orchard, bigger garden and lots of landscaping..some cedars along the highway frontage and it would rapidly become secluded and very private..dream on...
God has done a great job taking care of me, and I am not complaining, menopause is finally here-I think, that has been a life stage I have wanted to get through and be done with..so now I am getting there and in time my body chemistry will get back in balance and that will help my moods and outlook.

May is almost gone

And I am working on the weeds and grass in my garden, and trying to walk at the Y in the work boots, as my foot will tolerate it..and trying to just cope with pain that doesn't ever go away, just goes from not a lot to makes me sick to my stomach and almost has me in tears.
I am spending some time looking at new cars at manufactures sites, and thinking about investments, trying to control my impulsive spending.
It's warmed up, I run both air conditioners off and on, I don't want to keep the house very cool, just so we can cook and eat and not be miserable.
My flower beds are looking better this year so far. The new city strip is settling in and starting to grow and bloom, the south berm is where I am dumping all the weeds and grass I am pulling, on the street side. I will toss some sand over it now and then and in time have a place to plant some hardy low maint. plants.
My little doll house is up and makes handy storage, and will make it easier to use my sewing space. I could be sewing but instead seem to do more down with my foot up this week.
I think some of that is due to my mowing the back part around the garden and plum trees. The ground there is rough, it's not easy mowing and it's very hard walking for my foot.
Between pain and being moody I am having a rough week but will be in MO this weekend for my oldest grand daughter's high school graduation. She's gone through a lot and pushed hard to get this far, and to learn to raise her son.
Maybe if I go bug the weeds and grass in the garden area I will cheer up some...it's good for the garden at least.

The sun came out!!

We've had so much rain this spring, it's meant that my new plants have gotten off to a good start and the weeds and grass in the garden have flurished.. I am working them out by hand..it's slow progress but the hoe just stirs them about, and with our moisture, they just live and grow, just in a bit different spot.
I am glad I am able to be out and working in my garden, I was not sure I would be able to do some of the things I have enjoyed and are a part of my quality of life.
I will never wear heels and have feet that match, every time I dress nice I will look down and see that huge and deformed right foot and feel ugly..that might be stupid to someone else--but all I have to do is look down and feel ugly..it's right there--that ugly damaged foot.
and walk, I will feel awkard and clumsy and out of balance for a long time, maybe for the rest of my life..but I am walking with no cane most of the time..and the pain is usually there but tolerable..not enjoyable but it's been worse..
I don't have words to explain how this has messed with how I feel about Me, and about my life..but I will not let it beat me..and I will make my life good, and have quality of life. . .just different than what it was and what I had dreamed and planned and worked toward..
Going up stairs will be slow and careful, I haven't gotten that going down stairs to be very workable..but I am walking at the Y now and riding the stationary bike there and it was a red letter day today, I did not have to stop and re-position my foot, I did not hit my leg, foot, ankle on the peddle crank once!! Man, that is huge for me but such a small thing in the real world...
Time to head to bed before that self pity stuff comes out and gets me...

Blogs and arguements

Was reading a blog I read often, and then all the comments on the latest post--which was more arguement and stupid idiot stuff than anything else. It's a good thing I have a lot of time to waste some days, as that's what it was...
I hope I don't waste time and cyber space with all the trash I was reading--and I won't be doing it again...but now I know what was posted and the comments and direction. I will try and not put my thoughts and opinions out in cyber space in such a way that it generates such stuff as I was reading...
Here we are having more rain, the roof leaks a lot with as much rain as we've been having and I forgot about the plastic storage boxes up in the attic to catch rain..so they were over flowing..blame it on the accident. I dealt with it today and I was up in the attic and handed the filled bucket down to Ben. So, that translates in my foot would support and allow me to do that job, a job that is part of my 'life in a renovation project'. And 1 more small thing back to feeling normal in my life..each small detail I can get back to 'normal. helps me feel like my life is getting back to something that works for me.
Kerr's called so my boots are in, hopefully they fit and will be work-wearable and my foot will tolerate the right boot, and we can make the left boot fit my normal left foot snug enough to be comfortable and safe for work. I will run up tomorrow and try them on, then go on to Peoria and collect Jake's new treasure, it's waiting there and will stay here until he can come home and get it. I also plan to do some vehicle looking. I am NOT bying at this time but looking at what I will want after the settlement--which might be a year or more away.
The 1994 Ranger truck will for for me for now, but long term I am looking at something newer, with more safety features and more room. Plenty of time to look, collect brochures and so forth, and I do enjoy doing some of that. Kia has a cute one coming but it won't meet my needs or wants--cute is not what I need, it's too small, not enough space---and I do not want several vehicles, just 1 that will meet all my needs and a few of my wants.
The dolls will get attention/sewing later, the garden and flowerbeds will get attention when it gets dryer...wet and cool day today and I will admit I have done little today

Saturday

The dishes did not get washed, the kitchen floor did not get mopped but I did get groceries bought and put away, did get some work done on the garden project, some grass removed, some plants in..will keep working at it and will be fighting grass and weeds for a while. That Cargill compost from last year is still 'blessing' me with lots of grasses that I really do not need in my garden..weeds for lawn and grass for garden..something just seems wrong with that.
I do have some progress on the right foot sock..figure I have about 60 left foot socks, 2 of each color/pattern and none for the right foot..so am doing 1 to fit and then I will know what I need to do to knit several more.
Jake called twice today, he and his 'brothers' in the platoon are deployed Monday and they are glad "Mom' was healed enough to bake lots of cookies for Jake to bring back..all send their love and appreciation.
I am looking at newer and probably safer vehicles to replace the 1994 Ranger I picked up to replace my Mazda that was totalled in the accident. Another accident close to were mine was Tuesday. Man of 28 killed, 3 vehicles involved, roads blocked and a detour when I was coming home from my Dr. appointment really had me rattled and shook..and I drove the rest of the way home feeling I wasn't very safe in the truck I was in.
I have months to go before I will have a settlement check, if not far longer. Plenty of time to do some looking and comparing and thinking long term..not going to jump into anything, not going to finance anything and I know repairs to the house and $$$ tied up in some long term investments is first..but I should be able to swing a far newer vehicle with more safety features, including air bags and better build 'roll/crash cage built in...
Not a car, I need to haul cargo, like pavers, and plants and lumber and so forth, and toss camping gear in..I need something that will do that and be easy for me to get in and out, not too bad on gas, don't think I will get a little pickup..thinking Hyundai Tuson or Santa Fe but not buying so can keep looking and comparing when it suits me and I have time..can do a lot of checking now days on line...things I do want are automatic transmission, air cond...and cruse control. I do not want sun roof, power windows..carpet in the back cargo area, sat radio..too many frills...I do want rubber mud mats, and to buy seat covers Before it ever leaves lot and a steering wheel cover..and a color I like....will NOT agree to buy anything until I have my settlement, can wait for car to come from factory if that is what it takes to suit my list....dream, dream, LOL, old house repairs, landscaping and wheels.
I can dream doll dresses too but then I find myself trying to find more sewing time..have several ideas to work up there but have not made the time the past few days but do have the material and it won't take much to tweak a pattern to work for what I want....bed time as I have early church, dishes and then head to doll club meeting and pick up pal Julie on the way...

AJ Great to hear from you...

I walked about 8-10 blocks and back today--no cane and with shoes on--and didn't cry or whine--much. So, I am making progress, saw my orthapedic dr. Tuesday, 5/11 and he is still very pleased with the foot's progress, says to get the work boots in and fitted and softened, walk a lot, keep with the therapy, and come back 6/8 and he will see how things look. The heel bone looks more solid this x-ray, still some small gaps and rough looking areas..but all things considered, a very good vist and I came out feeling far more like celebrating than last visit..so went to Hancock Fabrics. I now own a mini craft iron, great for doll things, I have been using it, some fabrics, buttons..and came home to wash fabrics so I could play in my sewing space.
I still do not have my garden planted, will not put in corn this year but put melons in their space..and will buy plants with this coming State Farm lost wages check..and pay on bills. But the flowers are looking good, the stuff I put in where the city tore up the strip between sidewalk and street looks good, the day lily roots are starting to show tops, the stuff I dug from my beds is growing, the purple salvia I dug out of everywhere it sowed it's self is doing well..so that is progress.
And I am adding to the doll clothes collection--and will soon have enough things that I will start a 'for sale' photo album at the Kish group I am in, then will have to do fashions for other dolls that I am in groups with and set up a for sale photo album.
I have at least 3+ weeks before there is any chance I can go back to work so will work on getting Bernadette's Closet into more than just a dream and a label sewn into the doll clothes my dolls keep gettng...
It's been rainy, Jake's leave was far too short, I got 3 days of his around 10 days, ok, 5 if you count the 2 days that were mostly road time..he's being deployed and all I know is he will be riding around on a troop ship and is going to take some college classes that are available with some of that confined time he will be having.
Cami is graduating the end of this month, her son is 3 and is now 'taking care' of Jake's horse Gallop, who has a frame and springs and was Jake's first horse. Jake thinks that's a good place to store his much loved childhood treasure, I will go bring it here to store if they move to someplace with no room or when Colby is too old for such toys...
Well, have to start Friday early, with phone call to State Farm to see if my lost wages check is mailed or will be at their office waiting for me to pick it up and take it to the bank--we both use the same bank, that is handy...they own me back wages and are not paying me all 80 hours per 2 week period but will owe me the rest with the settlement..along with what I spend on new glasses, on replacing work boots, on orthapedic and $$$ sneakers so I had something I could tolerate and that would help correct my foot's twisting and rolling..along with all the rest..such fun, loads of paperwork..more medical paperwork to drop off when I pick up my check..

I am walking!!!

Have graduated to a cane and parked the walker..so that is progress. And in therapy, and have worked my head around the fact that my right foot will always be far wider than the left one. The heel bone pieces were seperated by a lot of fluid and since the bone pieces did not die, but lived and grew---they grew as the fluid and brusing left--and it was not possible to put all those little pieces back where they belonged. It works great with jig saw puzzles but not always possible with badly fractured bones. . . so the heel bone is far bigger now and odd shaped.
So, got a lot of shoes I will never be able to wear, or at least the right shoe will never fit again. But I am walking, and I am gaining on that ability to walk, balance myself, do normal living things.
I will probably never see a pain free day again, but I did order a pair of very wide steel toed work boots and when they come in, the shop will help me try to fit them to both feet, the normal one and the damaged one. If they can't fit, they ship them back and we see if we can come up with another style/size/brand that will work.
And the water meter is in, the landscaping is done, except for some mulch on the city strip I am working, and some sedum on the flowerbed where I had to lift plants and then re-set them.
It was a rough week or two as I emotionally dealt with the fact that I would never be able to fit into my shoes I already owned, that buying 'normal' shoes would never happen again, that I would be dealing with this accident and what it's done to me every time I needed new shoes, every time I wear something that shows my ankles and feet..like dresses and sandels..I don't know if I will ever feel 'ok' about it. But I cannot change it and I will not let it mess up my head very long.
I will plant my garden, and I will work my flower beds and I will get work boots that I can tolerate wearing and I will get back to work and do my job once again.
Popeye came and did the mowing for me Thursday/yesterday and this morning I raked stuff out of the pampas grass along the alley before I went to my therapy appointment.
Then when I got home I put on my orthapedically fitted very expensive sneakers and lifted another 4+ feet of turf and weeds from the city strip and planted it with those plants I got yesterday. Seems that Home Depot has perennials on sale and ad on the radio so I ran to Jacksonville and got $40 worth of plants to add to the ones I already had put in where the crew tore up installing the water meter and valve.
There's a lot of feet between the south end I did when the city replaced the fire hydrant and what I just put in but I have gained a few feet. It will take a few weeks for it to start looking good and some is annuals to help fill in for now but in a year or so I will start seeing what I want, a border strip that does not require mowning and won't need much watering by the time we are paying for that water by the gallon.

Blogger Buzz: Blogger integrates with Amazon Associates

Blogger Buzz: Blogger integrates with Amazon Associates

13 weeks and still counting...

Saw my dr. on the 13th, no surgery at this time. I learn to walk again, get into therapy, start using cane instead of walker, and find some sort of shoes I can wear.
Ok, got the cane, am rarely using the walker, have 15 pair of shoes I can never again wear..and 1 pair of roller skates. The right foot is several centimeters wider at the heel than the left foot. Very small amount of that is swelling. The heel bone was spread out and now I adjust to what I have for a right foot.
Walking is creating a huge amount of pain, the heel is not even level so that means foot twists and puts strain on leg bone, knee, hip and even my back.
I will never have the old 'normal' back. No buying a pair of normal shoes, no expecting normal walking..not even sure what will be done about work boots but have cried over the shoe issue today.
I feel like the nightmare just won't end, like Mark Young hops out of his grave to slap me into a ditch over and over..and my foot now hurts alot, all the time.. I do know things will improve some with time. But Tuesday was hard and the days seem to just get harder.
The weather has cooled off today too. I should have worked on getting my garden raked and start planting but instead cried, dug out my shoes I know I can't wear and took a photo, cried some more..I want my old, normal life back, my normal walk and normal foot. And that will never happen..other people have had to deal with far worse things than I have..I can get through this but sure have a lot of problems with it today.
Will take something for pain before I go to bed, have the walker handy as I have found I just can't be sure of walking, with the cane or without to get to the bathroom in he night..that too sucks...

12 Weeks and still a long way to go. . .

I am making progress, no cast, the black support boot and walker, pressure sore is healing up, I am gaining some. There is bone that will have to be removed on the outside edge of my foot, just below the ankle joint, it's slowly growing, piece or pieces of the heel bone that got shoved up at an angle or so it appears to me. Pain is managable most of the time.
It's getting warmer and green, the plum trees are leafing out, they bloomed and the weather was great for that, Mike was here for a week, he left out of Fort Madison 4/10, heading back to Albuquerque and work..Ben is gone too so it's just the birds and me for a few days.
I should be asleep but am having problems with that..think it's snack time or some such thing...missing Mike, thinking about the old house project, we did some rough drafts for renovation project. The settlement on this accident should allow me to have funds for that, some funds for long term old age...pay off part of my credit debts...so we are playing with graph paper and rulers and ideas for the house.
It's great to have someone else to bounce ideas off, I did find some of my original graph paper plans, but Mike and I never had time to look them over.
I know at times I don't get the words right, but I have been working on this attic studio dream since I bought this old house..had drawings of what I wanted for some of it that have not changed...that west wall being done with shelving built in..built in the way I want it..and that spiral stair case, the bump out for it and dormer.
We are talking now about bumping out the whole back 4 feet..it's got merit, I like most of the changes Mike is working on drawing up..but need to think about them. It changes what I was 'seeing' in my head for the east side of the house, for my bathroom, and kitchen and that too I need time to think about and to also work on my own drawings and ideas.
We both agree that metal roof is the way to go, to have that open porch as close to what original look was, on demand hot water and a few other things. He wants to replace the entire water lines with something I don't know about, new and more flexable, not as available here yet.but it will be awhile before that 'job' needs done so plenty of time to see if it becomes more available here.
We do agree that stucco is the way to go for outside, not plastic siding that in 15 years would look bad...
But some of what he is talking about I am not big on, stripping out all the exixting drywall and plaster and replacing it, refinishing the maple floor----he has never lived in a renovation project, I have and know the down sides of that. This house will be a longer project, more money and living in it during the renovation will get very challenging---with him out on the road most of the time and me dealing with the dirt, the dust, the mess and all the other problems such a huge overhaul would become.
And I am not sure I see the reason or logic in stripping out all the walls and replacing them---things do not have to be perfect..I do want ceilings pulled except for the kitchen beadboard that Miguel and I worked so hard to get up..but I do not see pulling down the living room walls or the bedroom walls or all of the bathroom walls--ok, so maybe the bathroom ones will go..but I will be drawing some lines on some of that 'tear it out and put in new' as I will be the one paying the costs and living with the mess for the most part..
It is and will stay MY house, and we agree that the settlement will also stay MY settlement, anything I invest in Ferrin Square will be done with paperwork and business agreement.
The house, my credit debts and some $$ put away to grow and for my future is first.
But I have to heal and be released before there will be any settlement and at this time I don't even see that coming any time I can put a month on, much less a back to work date..and I miss work, and I don't like the physical limits I have now..and I don't like the uncomfortable or down right pain I 'get' to go through...