A rainy day in a quiet life

      It's stopped for now but we've had rain for hours, I woke in the night to hard rains making music on my metal roof.  And thought how wonderful I now have a solid roof to protect this old house and me.  And a comfortable bed to snuggle back into and sleep.

     I worked on some knitting yesterday and I cut 1/4" grosgrain ribbon into lengths for face masks, and now have enough ready for 20 masks, it's time to start making child-sized masks again and I do have the fabric for that, and more ribbon ordered. 

     And I did work on plotting out as much of my Ameren billing as I could, I seem to be short on records that are before 2010 but know I have owned this house and lived here since 2006, so those records are gone.  The house has had a lot of work over all the years it's been mine, and yes, that's given me that under house utility area and that over 600 sq. foot expansion up under that steep roof, my studio, retreat, and even space that someday might actually become that 2nd bathroom.

     I need to get boots on and make a store run and should do that while it's not raining, and I will get to that, right now I am tucked in my studio with an archeological program playing on YouTube and have been knitting on the next pair of socks for son Ben.

     Finances are stable and going through 10 years of checkbooks sure showed me a lot of discretionary spending over the years, I am slowing that way down now as I work to pay off my debt load and do more to get ready for retirement, I want the house to be ready for that fixed income, and my finances so that I don't have to sell stuff to keep the utility bills paid in the winter or not have adequate food in the house.

     And, yes I do want a nice supply of stuff like yarns to knit with, fabrics to sew with, and a comfortable place to enjoy those hobbies.  Planning will help me gain that and I like making plans,  Sticking with them is a bit of a problem for me but I am working on more discipline on that issue.

     I know this life of mine is not what I dreamed I would have when I was 18 or 32, but it's what I have now and it's my choices and hard work that has given me the stability and security that I now have and that I do treasure.

Loosing the battle…

    Ok, so maybe I am not quite loosing, but it’s getting to be a very costly war here… trying to update my electrical service and not only is it expensive it it’s a lot of hard labor, not enough help when I really need it and not getting done very darn fast.

     But, after 16+ years of living here a granddaughter of the owners who bought it from the lumber company,  stopped by yesterday.  It was built in 1900 for employees housing and is 1 of the few left with little structure changes.  Most have been turned down or burned down years ago.

     That young family bought the house sometime after 1921, but before 1925, I had a history done years ago and that paperwork is here somewhere. And they raised their family and their grandkids grew up in and out of this house.  The rundown small house north sold to a local couple, just married who raised their kids.  

    That original ‘first private owners’ passed away in time and someone across the street bought the place for a rental.  That income helped put their kids through college and then it was sold to the tenants living in the place…who I bought it from in 2004.  And in all these years it had Never had proper maintenance or repair work done.  A lot of quick and cheap fixes, a lot of neglect and it was a mess when I got it.

     Crawling with cockroaches and stinking filthy, east foundation wall coming apart and sliding into hole that first family dug under it… but I have put in 16+ years of work and $$$ and it’s improving.  A solid foundation and a solid metal roof, safe wiring and a handicapped friendly kitchen. An expansion up into the space under that steep roof. 

     My landscaping is not what they had, and there are No big trees on my property, those were down before I bought it, old and dead or dying trees and I took out the dying maple several years back. I do have some small trees, they will get bigger and all are far enough from the house to not cause damage to the foundation or the structure.

     That now older woman talked about what the house was like when she was a child and on what her grandparents did for ‘improvements’ here.  And I bit my tongue and didn’t tell her all the costs to deal with the damage from her grandpa’s really crappy repair and poorly done work.  

    Yes, it’s an old and still shabby, still neglected looking place, but those are all new, double paned windows, and that’s a metal roof that will last years and years.  It’s still got a ways to go but the internal wiring is good, I just want more, like a tankless water heater and wiring to my shop building and yes, this sun soaking house has solar coming once I have the darn electrical service upgrade done.

    I am tired and hurting, but the trenching is done, the wiring is run and the shop has its electrical breaker box installed.  And I have better hooks up to hang my folding chairs for guests when I invite others over and use my little grill.  

     It’s a 3am alarm and this week we are 8+ hour days, last week was 10’s for my day shift.  The rains really have helped the grasses I moved but sure helped the lawn grasses and weeds grow also.  Maybe I can get some mowing done tomorrow after work.

    And yes, despite the problems, no jobs on this old house have Ever gone smoothly or easily, it’s still worth it to own this little old house. And it’s been making me a good home for the longest I have ever lived in 1 place in my entire 65 years of living.  Hopefully this old house and I have a lot more years to keep working on those repairs and improvements.  

Rantings from an old woman in an old house in an old town

    I know this is a small, old town and that this small house was built in 1900, and that electrical wiring and plumbing were not installed when it was built, it also didn’t have living space above the ground floor or any sort of basement area. 

But it’s my house and has been for over 16 years now and it’s my life and my money and what I want that rules here, within the laws of city, state and nation.  And I get to set a lot of the priorities for whatever reason suits me when it comes to repairs and improvements.  After all, I do pay for them and live with or without them, depending on the case. 

And I actually use my brains and do that stuff called research to help me make decisions I am happy with long term, I don’t have a penis, don’t need a penis and believe having 1 doesn’t make a person smarter or more able to make the decisions here about those upgrades.

Yes, I absolutely did already buy that tankless water heater and that size and yes, I do know how much More hot water it will produce than I need, on a very hot day in the middle of summer.  I also know how much hot water per minute I can expect during a bitter cold winter night in this same house and that’s probably when I will be so glad I chose this water heater and not a lesser one. It’s for those comfortable and as long as I want them showers or baths in the middle of a bitter winter night that I planned for.  Because research tells me that’s where you want to do your decisions on for those tankless heaters. Not a hot summer day.

And yes, I do know those solar panels will not provide enough electrical power for that water heater- at the time and moment I am bloody using it the most... ya, night, sun, I got that.. but during the day, even winter days, those panels will produce power, probably more power than the house is using some days... oh, ya, I do work days and live alone and set the air conditioning at 78 and have been constantly working to make this old house more energy efficient...

Yes, it will cost me $$$ to upgrade what I have to upgrade for power, got a new list and have already started buying the parts, and yes, had a talk with the solar company last night, about that meter and the not adequate power line coming to my house, which IS the property of the utility company and yes, I do believe it’s their job and their Cost to replace that line to meet the needs (and wants) of the owner/resident of this house.  Suck it up, guys, the panels will be installed after Fathers Day and I will be having that tankless water heater too, it’s going in this week while I am on vacation, even IF I cannot use it yet.  Yes, I am just fine with upgrading to 320 service here, gee, it’s actually 2021 even in small town Illinois.

And I also upgraded my internet router recently, no, the 1 I had was just fine, but it’s over 6.5 years old and cable routers have had a lot of improvements since I bought that 1, and my son can inherit it, it’s in the box the new 1 came in and can wait here for him to have a need for it. It’s not fruit, it won’t spoil.  And yes it is my $$ and I am the person who earns it.  

But I am not unhappy with everyone male, just the ones who yesterday made bumps in my little road of life, including Kevin, employed at Lowe’s who didn’t respond to customer needs help in your area for 45 minutes....seems he did look and notice that old woman in long skirt but he didn’t THINK he saw a customer...  who had him measure out and cut 38 feet of 1/0 copper electrical wire that will be needed for the upcoming job, 4/0 is code, 2/0 is what the annoyed utility technician who has to do the line replacing job is demanding and since it was out of stock I bought a grade higher and better...now as the price for it will be higher in 2 months when it’s actually needed.

And my Liberty scooter tire is off, in the car and MotoEuropa is expecting me with tire and a box of Diana’s Bakery goodies today... and yes, overnight stay in the city to play and yes, this is my vacation time.  But a bank errand first, they don’t open until 9, and a stop to drop off some paperwork before leaving town.  

And yes, I do still own 3 Piaggio scooters and no, even after that accident this past September I am Not selling any of them and yes, I will still be riding...but not down to the city this week. It’s still too cool and the weather too UN dependable this time of year, it’s still early April.

And my orthopedic team are Very Pleased with how well leg and I are doing, and after x-rays and carefully examined screw in those X-rays, my concerns about screw working out and migration issues has been laid to rest. Yes, that screw has to be removed but not right now, we all can safely leave it alone until it’s pushing up against the skin, it’s got at least 30mm/3cm of shaft to work out before it can migrate and it will be pushing against the skin before it’s crawled out even 1/2 that distance.  I had not actually looked at the total length of that trying to escape screw and though it was far shorter.  

About that rally week and vacation

  Weather was great, and I love the Airbnb where I stay... but the first ride of the rally, on a borrowed scooter with way too much air pressure in the front tire for my weight and the downhill steep curves ended abruptly with me in an ambulance to the nearest hospital and the scooter with minor scratches. I ended up with major splintering of my fibula and a long, painful recovery. 

 I am on vacation this coming week but spent over 4 months off work healing up.  And I will never walk the same again.  But, yes, I will still be riding, and yes, I will check tire pressure far more often. I tend to ride with my front tire just slightly below recommended tire pressure as it’s about weights of riders/load also and I just am not up to ‘average’ weight of riders on those models of scooters I own. 

And the Huge vacation project is all the electrical work and then plumbing work for a tankless water heater, and I am well started with the job, and yes, son Ben is helping as he has time. I absolutely would NOT have gotten that 6 gauge wire pulled from under house through the conduit and into the new shut off box without him and his help and strength.  This upgrade on my hot water system will save me a lot of $$ as my current hot water tank costs me a lot to keep reheating the same water and is a huge lime factory. I will need to set up my plumbing so that new tankless water heater can be flushed with vinegar easily but that is in the planning and well worth the cost of the parts.

I need to also work on my scooters, and yes I will still be riding. It was not my skill that was the problem, it was science and that includes gravity.  Far more carefully and a lot longer rides time wise to go the same distance, but I also now have a budget friendly recumbent exercise bike that I am putting time on every day to help with my legs and knees, especially that damaged knee/leg.

Rally Week, ya, we still have Covid-19 to deal with but-

      And day shift Kill worked so I spent my Saturday reminding myself that I could cope with whatever and whoever.  But I am home, up in my studio, and have a lot that I want to get done before heading down to St. Louis for the rally.

     I'm staying at an Airbnb that I stayed at earlier this summer when I took the Liberty down for service, it's an easy walk to Diana's Bakery, in a very nice vintage/historic house and that's already paid for, my gas funds and play funds are out of savings and what Ben owes me.  He will be doing a prepaid Visa card for me to use.  That will be a very new experience for me but safer for me financially.

     And yes, we are still wearing masks, yes, we will have them at the rally, in fact, that's the theme this year and I have some fabric that is very MartiGraw masks looking and have cut masks from that but still need to do the sewing.  And I need a new tool roll as I don't yet have 1 in the LXV which is what I will be riding this year.

     It's starting to get cooler now, down to 42 this morning, but I haven't yet brought the potted plants inside and that will be done before I head down to St. Louis. I have a list that is growing for what all I need to do before heading down to the rally, including some repair work on the LXV.

     Politics is either interesting or just downright scary, Trump is still lying most or all the time, Bill Barr is looking more like the general at the New Dictatorship and Biden is doing his best to show all of us that we still do have some adults left in the government that do know and like our constitution.  I never had any desire to be living in such an absolute 'this has to be fiction' reality but that's what we have here in the USA.  

     My life has had a lot of ups and downs, I wasn't raised to be independent, I wasn't taught good life skills, I was terribly stupid about a lot of things, like Job Service, factories have jobs that make a good living.  I made a lot of mistakes and poor choices but learned from them.  I didn't have the best parenting skills but I didn't grow up with really great parentings examples to learn from or to help build that foundation.  But I was raised with good work skills, with a lot of other 'stuff' that has helped me fix my mistakes, learn to research first, but most of all, I learned to Not trust, and that I was more capable than I was taught to believe.  

     So, at 64, I do like myself and how I am living my life.  I know my flaws and I know which ones I am willing to work to change and which I think will just be how I am, at least for now.

Life in a Pandemic

     I never expected to be living in a pandemic, it was not on my list of realities but that's what the world has now.  Covid-19, originated in Horseshoe bats in China, been making life hard, challenging, and deadly around the world now.  It's been over 6 months to get to where we are now.
     But so far I am safe and still working, still living my funny little single life.  Still riding scooters and still needing to put more effort into house and yard work.
      But today was a fun ride over to West Quincy for cigarettes for Ben, check if motorcycle shop had filters for my rides, they didn't, buy food for Blue quaker, and enjoy some road time.  I miss runs down the river to St. Louis, way too much closed, way too much health risks for the fun I have enjoyed past summers.
      My long-planned vacation to Colorado was postponed and I spent my week off here and didn't get much done.  I did brood and pout some, did work on a few things but think I just felt sorry for myself and the situation.  Our current administration and president is a disaster that just keeps getting worse.  I keep thinking he has hit the bottom of that and then something else is done or said or happens,
     Ben is doing ok, he's talking needing a low budget and economical car and also looking for a place to buy, he is not wanting to keep renting and there are issues with the current situation, renting the upstairs in a house,  I won't discourage buying, it works for me and I do like my old house, even when I spend $$$ on non-essentials instead of old house repairs.
     Jake called this week, on a tear about what his paternal grandmom wrote in her little more fiction than fact history of Lily Park and her family.  He's upset about her lies and bad mouthing me and how she treated his dad.  I told him I am fine, she is years dead and hasn't been able to hurt me or do me any damage for a very long time.  That my life here is good and it works well for me.  She and what she wrote are just not important, really, and that he just needs to let it go. 
     I have worked to make this life good for me, and it gave all my sons a place to come live when they needed that.  And it keeps giving me that, a job that pays more than my living, a town I am ok with living in, and more importantly, a life that is mine and lived my way.
      I started reading Mary Trump's book and find it interesting, but it's also already having me look at my past, at my family and what influences and patterns and so forth have been a part of my life, including all the poor decisions and poor sense of self-worth.   I was raised with, some of which still makes some waves in my emotional pond.  I cannot change the past, and I certainly cannot change who my grandparents and parents were but I have quit letting some of that continue to damage my life and quit measuring myself by their yardsticks.
     I sometimes am lonely, but I have chosen wisely for my life and future, and now, at 64, there is NO way I want to make any amount of changes to how I live or how my earnings are spent or share my space, my home.
     I am working on trying to eat better-balanced meals, that's a huge challenge for me, I don't dislike veggies, I just forget about them far too often.  Like I can go weeks without eating any, forget to put them on the grocery list, forget to buy them.  Before the pandemic and everywhere shut down I think my trips to Hibachi Grill and their great foods, especially veggies was my easy fix, not often enough bur far more often than I have since early March.   So, now I am making more effort, have decided I can afford baby carrots, they make a good and healthy snack, far better for me than lots of jelly beans and M&'s are. 
     And I am trying to put some order in my attic area, both the studio and the south retreat.  I tossed some stuff out, I boxed up some of the dolls, I sorted through a plastic tote bin, still need to decide what to do with some of the stuff out of it, but the fabric mountain is now in the tote and the desk chair that needs to be thrown away is downstairs.  There is still a LOT more that I need to do but I did get started and have made a dent in the mess.  I really do like my old house and my life here, and I have put so much work and $$ into this place and into creating this attic space.  But when it's a mess I am NOT able to enjoy my studio or my retreat, and the mess was mine, no one did it to me.  I worked on the storage area, that someday might become a bathroom, during the week some, and now have started tackling the other areas. 
     I am a little blue today, or this evening, sorting head things out, and that's always going to have some blue spots, not deep dark depression, just a bit sad.  The past is done, it cannot be changed, I can 'walk through my memories' and put them into perspective, and understand better and grow some, balance some and accept what cannot be changed, especially when it's other people and I can't get answers, asking the questions of the dead just doesn't get answers.  I've done plenty of that and it doesn't change. 
     But I'm going to shut down up here in the studio for tonight and get myself fed and try to put me into bed and asleep at a more reasonable time, for a change.

Covid-19

  It seems like a tiny thing, a little virus, apparently from a bat common in China but it's now spread worldwide, killing thousands and changing life for almost everyone on this planet. It will be many months before there is a vaccine and in the meantime, here in the USA with our for Profit health care system and our narcissist, greedy, tiny minded and egocentric president, we are heading into a huge recession or depression and the death toll grows rapidly every day.
    Food production plants are still working but a lot of the USA is shut down with no idea when things will be back to some sort of normal.  I am part of that working group of people with the rest of our plant.  But it's got some crazy spots, like all the people running about with spray bottles of sanitizer and cloths to wipe down stair railings, locker doors, bathroom stall doors, our cafeteria tables, and benches.  The newest change is an earlier start time to Kill floor, the idea is to try and give some time separation between A shift and B shift. 
    We have more than 2500 people every day in and out of our plant and from a huge area of this state, some travel over 60 miles each way, every day for work.  So the possibilities of someone bringing this virus into the plant and sharing it are huge.  Especially as this virus might not even be severe enough for a person to realize they have it, and it's contagious for a long period of time.  This means that most of the employees, the contractor's employees could all be exposed before anyone knew we had a case in the plant. 
    Add in the fact that the USA has not enough testing kits, and are only testing Sick people unless you are rich or rich and famous.  This is that 'interesting times' in that Chinese curse.  May you live in interesting times was not about a lot of fun and holidays, it's stuff like this that we very spoilt Americans have NO idea of how to cope or what to do.
     So, I really need to update that will, I am in that 'high risk' group, high risk of death stuff and the current will was done when Jake was still in high school.  He's now turning 31 next month, and my life has gone through some changes so that's on my list of stuff to do this coming week, I have both Sunday and Monday off and with the internet and a computer, and we know I have more than 1 of those things and a printer, and yes, that lives here too.
     I want it warm enough to get a scooter out and take a ride, and I want my old 'normal' life back and NOW would work fine.  But that scooter ride depends on the weather and March has decided to go out like a lion so I don't expect to have the scooters out very soon.  And that virus will set our schedules for some time to come.  It would be nice to think it would clear up soon but the darn virus seems to have a long life span, at least 17 days on a solid surface and a person can have a 14 day time period from exposure to showing symptoms, with most of that they are contagious.  It is going to be a long and hard spring.
     But my life here is really good, I have a life I do like and I know I have worked hard to make this life work, to have the financial stability that I now have, and the stuff that I own, from the scooters to my dolls to the fabrics, yarns and such that I enjoy.  The road has had some rough spots but those have made me a much stronger and more confident person and smarter, harder and tougher.
     I miss eating out in a restaurant, take out is NOT the same, and I miss the doll club meetings, they are canceled for now.  I miss trips down to St. Louis and the shops I go to down there and the places I like to see, and the people down there that I enjoy seeing.  I know it's all still there, and I will be going again, just not on my next paid day off.  It has become 1 of my favorite ways to spend a paid day off, early morning run down to the city and Diana's Bakery and then off to MotoEuropa to visit and drop off a box of bakery goodies, look at the rides and talk bike talk, eat at Triumph Grill and then off to do a bit of shopping before heading back home.  Scooter runs when the weather is good, and a car trip when it's not.
     But for now, I have 6 day work weeks, plenty of sewing projects and some knitting ones to work on and picked up tacos from my convenient taco truck so that took care of supper.  My house is warm and I have food, the car has plenty of gas and the price of that is very low.  My credit rating is solid, and my finances keep working, bills get paid on time, debt is going down and savings are growing.  My health is stable, which means my arthritis is livable, my allergies are not too bad and there is no one making a mess of my finances, my house or my emotional stability.  I still want the dog gone but I still feed him and walk him and clean up dog hair everywhere.
   

Winter is here

     And no, I am not really ready and no I don't like it but will manage to survive.  The plant is working long and hard hours and 6 day weeks, good paychecks but very tired old body.
     I am actually done with the doll club gift for our annual party and gift exchange, finished the smocked dress for Tonner's Ann Estelle type doll today, tied up the shoes with a red ribbon and fastened to the hanger.  It will get packaged later, for now I am just very glad to have it finished.
     And I still need to put that darn van up for sale, and just entered a lottery for a chance to Buy a very pricy Volks doll, very limited edition Rapunzel, which I do not need.  But I might not win the chance to buy her either, there will be a lot of people entering and a very limited # of dolls offered by lottery.
     But I do have a new doll to make patterns for and sew for, now that the doll club project is done and I have a similar sized doll, the new doll is taller but Wellie Wisher and Glitter Girls clothing will fit, a bit too short but that will help me alter patterns and I have a lot of Wellie Wisher patterns to play with so printed some out.  I also did some math and had some patterns for the 12" Ruby Red dolls enlarged some and will see how that fits also. 
    My knitting projects are not making good progress, partly the hands hurting and partly dealing with the doll club project first.  Now that is done I need to get my sweater bound off and the sleeves knit.  And I have committed to 2 pair of socks for Jake to gift, 1 pair is started, the yarn for the 2nd pair is upstairs waiting for me to wind the skein into 2 balls so it's ready to start. 
    But I need to shut this laptop down and want to read a bit before I head to bed and sleep.

Mother’s Day!

     Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers in my world, those I know, those I’m related to, those that do all that stuff that needs done and rarely get a pat on the back or given credit for what they do.
     Happy Mother’s Day to my only daughter, who gave birth to 4 children but didn’t parent them through their growing years.  I know I didn’t always set a good example, I know I wasn’t mature enough when you were born, and didn’t have very good guidance to help me learn better parenting skills.
     I didn’t provide the stability or standard of living that would have provided you with a better foundation but I did the best I could and the best I knew how to.  I made a lot of foolish decisions and chose relationships that were not good for either of us far too often.  But I did all I could to try and set good values, ethics and protect you from harm.
      And you made choices and picked your own direction in life, I helped you pick up the pieces a couple times, which is also part of being a parent, and when you told me to get out of your life and stay out, I did that too.  But I never quit caring or loving you or praying that your life is good, that you are healthy, happy and doing well.
     I can’t build a bridge that I didn’t burn or tear down, it takes 2 for that to happen and it’s not something you want, so I wish you well and hope life is good for you.
     Happy Mother’s Day to my oldest granddaughter, who is now a mother of 4, and has had some very hard and rough times throughout her young life.  Not all of those were of your choosing or your doing, but some were, and you have for years now been the person in charge of your life and your directions.  I wish you health and happiness, and that your life is good.
     I do a lot of thinking at work about my life and past decisions and choices and about both of you and our relationships, and have regrets but I know I cannot change the past, I cannot ‘fix’ anything that has happened and I also know I’m not to blame for a lot of things that have happened in your lives, I’m not at fault and I didn’t cause it.  I packed around that guilt for a long time, and I admit that I let myself be manipulated by that guilt feeling and by my own feelings of failure.
     I wish you both health, peace and good lives.  
   

Thinking back

     And that has never changed anything, but then, I can see growth and I have come to terms with what I cannot change.   So many miles, so many different places I have lived but this town and this old house has been my longest home.  I’m now 62, almost 63, and yes, these past 14 years in this house, the past 16 years in this town, with this plant for work has been the longest ever.
     I have worked hard to have the stability I didn’t have as a child, as I was growing up, as I became an adult, a parent and as I raised my own children.  So, it’s an old house, and a small town, a labor job in a meat packing plant but all of it works for me.  I now have good credit and a really awesome car, and the payments to go with it.  I have a couple scooters and I do the work on them, and when it quits raining I can do some of that maintenance stuff and be riding again this season.
     There’s yarns and fabrics, dolls and books, there’s music going most of the time I am awake and here, occasionally it’s the tv or laptop or iPad and YouTube or Netflix or a DVD, but most often, it’s music that I have chosen.
      And I am again living alone, no sons, no pals, no housemate or man.  And this really works well, I quit even considering dating or being involved with anyone.  I don’t have to, I don’t want to and it is OK for me to be single and be happy that way.
     Today’s email had a notification from Credit Karma, it seems that Victoria’s Secret has cancelled my account, it has been idle for long enough now.  Nothing there that I need or want, and when I need or want something, I can buy it without needing or wanting their credit card.  It’s not the only account that will be closing due to non-use.  And I am liking that.  It is a negative impact if I close them, but not if they are ‘aged out’ and closed by the company due to lack of use.  That might seem crazy but it’s how credit looks at things.
     Peace, that’s something I’ve found and the ability to accept and like the person I am, and not let anyone make waves in my self confidence or balance.  I no longer need to please someone or let their petty comments bother me.  I’m not measured by their rulers, and it’s not their job to decide what I should do, wear, say or be.  And I’m not bothered by someone else’s issues, if they are bored, it’s not my job to entertain them, if they are lonely, that is Not my problem, it is theirs and it is not my job or responsibility to ‘fix it’.

Spring and riding season has started!

 

     But so far I have not gotten much riding done, I am getting a bit more confident with that vintage scooter I won last year down in St. Louis at the Missouri Loves Company rally, and the LXV has a new spark plug and a fuel problem.  I am hoping a bit of Heat has that resolved but need a bit of warmer weather to run it some and find out.
      The furnace is down, son Ben thinks we need to research and see if we can fix it ourselves and since I can make do without it for right now and there is a good chance it’s a part we can buy and install ourselves, I am good with that idea.  Those rides of mine are eating up money as fast as they can get it.  Both the LXV and the GTS get valve clearance adjustment this spring, I have the needed valve cover gaskets, GTS is still in the bike shed but the battery is in and I have started it.  I need to pop off that valve cover and get out those gauges and check that ‘valve lash’ stuff and adjust if and as needed.  Once the GTS is done, it can come out and the LXV can go in so I can have ‘shop’ area to keep things clean when I pull that valve cover off to do the same sort of adjustment stuff.
     The vintage Vespa has gotten new correct mirrors, a replacement rear bumper, a proper tail light and center stand.  I need to chase down the horn problem and see if the turn signals and I can come to an agreement.  I want to replace the smoked gray lenses with the proper orange ones, partly because I feel that they will be more noticeable and maybe make me and that little scooter a bit safer out on the roads.
     Work is still going ok, still like going to work every day, changing jobs in plant has been a good change for me, I’ve been on the ‘crown and flush’ job over a year now and am still glad to go to work, that is a big and very nice change from when I was boxing stomachs.
     And I’ve changed cars and banks, so am settling into those changes still.  Like the car much better than I did the Mitsubishi, but it was and is a good car with great MPG which is important to me.  I dropped mpg but not much and added a LOT to the credit debt with the car change but I really like the new car, same year and about the same miles, Hyundai and extended that bumper to bumper warranty so that works for me.  
     I gained a 6 speed manual tranny, and blue exterior, more leg room for me and a hatch back which I really like, and it came with some perks and ‘goodies’ so I still have fog lights but gained a back up camera, neat feature and it’s computer smart and already knows my cellphone, when I turn on the Bluetooth.  I already bought a cover and today ordered the window vents so I can put the windows down a tiny bit and not let much in but airflow.  I will be making seat covers for both the back seating and for the front seats but did move the steering wheel cover and seat covers from the Mirage.  And I have a car I can recognize so don’t need stickers/decals or other ‘things’ on it to identify it.  That is a nice change too and I like driving it.
     I am still ‘rocking’ this single in my 60’s stuff, and when I think over all the years it took me to get to where I am and who I am, I’m good with me.  No man has ever provided for me as well as I have for myself, nor have they given me the stability that I have provided for myself.  I no longer have anyone pushing me to be what they want but get to be who I am, I really like that.
     It has been a long and hard road with a lot of bad/poor/stupid choices but that is really the past and actually the Long past.  And none of it can be changed so I have, for the most part, come to terms with all of it and moved on.

Crazy things old women do!

      On Friday, March 29 I had an S. V. (single vacation) Day and took the Mitsubishi down to St.Louis for a service appointment and did some shopping and visiting and had a really good day away from home.  Of course it rained all the way down Thursday night and started raining Friday afternoon as I was leaving the city.
     Saturday started wet and gray and didn't change all day, but I texted pal Jaime to see if he wanted to run to Jacksonville to look at flooring for his kitchen project he has plans for this year.  Instead, about 1 p.m. I picked him up and we headed to Springfield to play, and started at World of Powersports, food was the next stop and the we headed, in my car, with me driving (this is part of where you start wondering just what crazy thing I am going to end up doing) to cruise the car lots, yes, in the rain, so Jaime can indulge in his favorite hobby, drooling over cars. 
     I drive very slowly through lots, stopping often, Jaime get out and looks, might even talk to salesmen and I knit when I am parked and waiting for him.
    Of course it was late afternoon when we headed towards home, but first to Thorntons for gas and for Jaime to get a drink and snack.  The last stop of the day was Green's warehouse indoor car sale, on the last day, late in the day.  It should have been a very safe place for him to drool and me to knit a bit.
    And yes, Jaime found something he thought he might want to trade his 'bought new, hasn't had long' car for and got busy with salesman and their financial guy which left me with no 'sitter' to keep me from wandering about with knitting in hand, a sock for son Ben, and yes, I do look at cars and knit as I walk around inside. 
     So, I have (had) a very good, more warranty than payments, very good MPG economy car that I bought December 2017, in fact, Jaime went with me to Columbia MO to see that car and to drive my Neon home.  I did sell the Neon a couple days later to a guy I know at the plant.
       And it is a good, solid car that I got for about $2,000 below book, so a very good buy.  I don't like the color but the gas mileage is really good and I tossed a cover over it when riding season started it and rarely drove it last summer.   But when I went to see it I thought I was going over for something with a standard transmission, my preference and what the car was listed as.
      So, I'm knitting and wandering around and find 2 blue cars tucked into a corner, Hyundai, which I had that Accent and loved it, until some jerk in a hurry leaving the plant parking lot managed to total my car!  Pretty cars so I have to look at the first 1, black interior, 2016 and automatic, and then look at the other 1, red interior, ok, so that's interesting' and fog lights, I have those on the Mitsubishi and like them.  And Wow, it is standard, 2017 and a Veloster, which struck me as what would happen if a Tiberon and an Accent had unprotected sex.   When I bought that Accent, back in 2000, I had wanted the Tiberon, but bought the practical economy car, the Accent instead. 
      I was amazed how long it took me to corner a salesman but I finally did and talked him out the door to look at what I was driving, Yes, I did tell him that, come see what I am driving and then we can go look at what I want to be driving. . . . .I had it service (and paid for that) the day before, and had not 2 miles away, filled the gas tank. .  See, I told you, crazy old woman!   
      I did take it for a test drive, and the salesman went with me and put $20 worth of gas in it, and took it back and Jaime and I started removing My stuff from that black car I was trading in on that blue ride!   And the paperwork got done, I downgraded in mpg and upgraded ( a long upgrade) in debt load and now have a car that has 6 speed transmission and a clutch (and a LOT of payments) a color I love, more driver's leg room, a very good warranty, a local (Springfield) dealership with a very good reputation, I had taken my Accent there after moving here.   And free oil changes and car washes and it's very, very sporty , like the speedometer goes to 160 mph, and is hatchback, which I really like.  It's a subcompact so a bit bigger than the Mitsubishi Mirage and far more fun to drive!
     As I told the finance guy doing all that paperwork, very late Saturday afternoon (ok, early evening) that I had never traded in a car, much less 1 that I was still making payments on, that I have never bought a car without doing a lot of research before making a decision but  loved the color, liked the gear shift and was buying that blue car.
     It will make a tight budget for a month or so, which means I quit wasting $$ on things I don't need like more dolls, more fabrics, more books and work some overtime when it's available.  But I can afford the car, I really like the car and it's mine now!  And I will drive people crazy on the road with a very sporty, fast looking car that I put on cruise control once I reach speed limit.  I can't afford tickets and the car, and I don't need to be going much over that posted speed limit, it does not matter how fast that car will go, I do not have to try and fly down the highways around here just because I have a car that can actually go way too fast to be safe.

Purple Toe Syndrome

       That sounds far more entertaining that the reality is.  What it is: a symptom of some problem, circulation to extremities slows, causing the platelets to start sticking together, forming bruising and blood clots.  It is unusual and the first questions are if you are grossly overweight, diabetic or have been on warfarin for an extended period of time, like several years and are elderly and usually male.
        Since it's easy for the crew at SIU Dermatology to see that I am not overweight, and I am not diabetic, and have never been on warfarin, we look for other causes, lupus, rare genetically linked diseases, and the blood work was done last week and they will call with results and everything goes to my primary care doctor here in town, who also got a hand carried hard copy of the lab work ordered.  I have NO clue what the tests are, but knew he would.
        If all are negative there is 1 more blood test to run, but all are for very rare, very uncommon diseases and there is NO cure for them.  Lupus is an autoimmune disease, but mine has never flared much and I've probably had it for 30+ years.  That genetic stuff is where I have NO idea of what or who or when, and my doctor says that is very normal, especially with diseases that show up so very rarely.
     For now, it's more water and aspirin every day to help reduce the chance of a blood clot causing problems.  I see him again the 14th and he expects to have the results of the lab work SIU had done.  And we hope we have answers and can start a plan of action to help keep me as healthy as possible.
      In the meantime, I have fabric coming from Farmhouse fabrics, for doll sewing and I have 4 doll dresses to do the hand smocking on, socks going for Ben, a full time job at JBS, 3 Vespa scooters wanting time, money and work before riding season and a very tight budget because I have been very careless with my spending and with credit.
     But the tax returns are filed and accepted so in time, and we have NO idea this year what that 'time' thing will be, but I will have both state and federal to help fix some of my financial 'be stupid' stuff.  And since my refunds are nice sized, I went into h.r. at the plant and filled out the form to reduce the amount extra I have held out on both federal and state so in a week or 2, or once they get it done right, I will have $17 more every week in the paycheck.
     And after finishing David Weber's newest Safehold book and griping and whining, I am starting the whole series over, he will Not have the next book in this series available for pre-order for months and I expect a January 2020 release date.  I did tell Jake, when he was trying to reason with me that I need those books to entertain me while I knit his socks, that his getting socks depends on my having some really good and entertaining reading  while I knit.
     We had some really cold weather and snow, now we have rain, in fact just a few minutes ago the skies opened up and it dumped a lot of water or so the roof sounded.  But I am tucked in my studio in my warm and dry house and  despite stupid health issues, a very tight budget, cold and wet and tired of winter gripes, life here is doing ok.   

Middle of December?

     Riding season went far too fast, fall flew by and winter is starting to feel long and cold.  But I still have the entire house to myself, at least as far as human inhabitants go.  And for the most part, I really like it.  The entire attic space is mine!  My looms and weaving are in the south end right now, and need more attention and the sewing is several works in progress in the north end.
     The job change in plant has me coming home with more energy and less pain so I’m getting a bit done on some project almost every day and I’m happier.  I will not claim the house is any cleaner but it’s quieter and that works well for me.
     We are seeing a little more overtime this fall than we had last year, and I am enjoying that.  Bills paid on time or early, extra paid on credit debt and some play money.  Right now sewing seems to get that money, and I have a wish list for this coming paycheck.
     Jake calls, he’s settling in well and he and his dad have a ‘tiny house’ now.  An old school bus that someone else started as a mobile tiny house and Jake and Sam now are living in and working on.  And enjoying being up in the high country Colorado.
     Ben is still at the truck wash, has a gal pal living with him and is working on the old truck, right now it’s a fuel pump problem.  He seems to be doing well and staying self supporting which really matters to his mother.
     I am working on some ‘head’ issues now and then, old memories, old choices, things I cannot change, and others whose choices were not my doing and I’m not willing to accept any guilt for their bad results.  There are no ‘do overs’ in life, and no parent makes all the right choices and does everything ‘right’ all the time.
     I do care about all 4 of the children I gave birth to, and want them to have lives they like and that work for them.  What they have done for years is their decisions and their choices and their roads to walk.  I accept that and have learned to live with the distance between myself and the older 2.  They have the right to have no relationship with me, and I am ok with that, it’s not my choice but I can live with it and make my life work.
     I spent last week sad, walking through memories of 40+ years ago, and my life then, my daughter then.  A blonde haired, brown eyed baby Sasha baby doll, a hard fall, a long way from family and no friends, loss of a planned pregnancy, the loss of my much loved grandpa, a very rocky marriage and sewing for a doll shop, sewing for a Christmas gift for that child who turned 4 that Thanksgiving.  My bright spot in my life was my daughter, she was my world and everything I did was to give her the best possible life I could.  I made some really not workable choices, not her fault and not really mine, too young, too far from solid good advice, too much of the wrong advice, too afraid to stand my own ground, to stand up for myself.
     I can’t change that, and I will send this EBay bought doll on to raise funds for either the Sasha conventions or for UFDC, once she has a nice wardrobe and I’ve gotten through the sad and blues days.   And my sewing and creativity is again bringing me joy and happiness, small things, small dolls and my skills and ability, and having a really great work space.

October's almost gone, time is getting away from me.

     But I did have a great summer, and an awesome time at Michigan Fiber Festival, 4 days of camping, 3 days of classes, time with people who share some of my interests and understand that knitting and yarns and all the other stuff.  And I went alone, which made the whole time even better.
     I did ride this summer, but admit most of the long rides were on the bigger GTS, but the LXV was my 'to work' and local errands transportation, even on damp days.  And that scooter is almost paid for.  I don't regret buying that Vespa for my 60'th birthday, and I sure don't have any regrets about buying the GTS either.
     The scooter rally this fall in St. Louis was really fun, once again I played hard all over St. Louis and the GTS was great to have on the faster roads.  And I won the rally raffle prize so now also own a China Blue 1978 Vespa P 125x, which runs and I love.  I was absolutely amazed, shocked and thrilled.  And she's now wintering in my living room.
  She needs some things, like the side kickstand replaced with a proper center stand, the kick start lever bent back out some, leaning to the left means kick staring pushes that lever into the scoot instead of straight down.  The tail light needs changed out, the current 1 came from a Harley and it's mounted upside down, which means there is No light on the plate, which means it's in violation of laws in this state.  I also want a back rack so I can pack something.  There is no storage space under that seat. but it does have separate gas and oil tanks, and it's a 2 cycle engine.
     I like the job change I made last March, it works well for me and I'm happier and hurt less.  A change of area supervisors has been a nice improvement in my little work world too.  So, since I need to work, it's nice to like going to work once again, after a couple years of not being happy to go to work and to deal with who I had to work with and our not very good supervisor, this is such a huge improvement in my work days.
     And I still love living alone, Shadow still annoys me but I keep taking care of him and keeping him fed and watered.  Ben's still working at the truck wash and has a gal pal who has moved in with him. . . .  I don't actually dislike her, but I don't feel she has much brains or willingness to be self responsible and despite being 42, and 2 sons, 1 adult and 1 in his last year of high school, she's not been employed for years.  But she is putting in job applications.
     I've decided I am 'rocking that single senior woman life' and it's working very well for me.  My finances are stable, my credit rating is very good, my debt load is going down and I am happy most of the time.  I like me, and I am standing up for myself, when I need to. 
     We are seeing some overtime, my budget loves that and I don't mind working Saturdays.  But we are supposed to  be off this coming Saturday and I have hopes of going up to Bloomington and attending an estate auction.
   

Counting down to Vacation

     Right now work has some issues, maintenance issues at the front end had us standing around way too much today, we had some product, and a gap and then a bit more and another gap and the day drug on until after 2:30.  We will be working Saturday, and I am not complaining, I can sure use the $$.
     I did get out and set up the little tent Jake gave me, and there is no way I can take it to Michigan Fiber Festival and camp 4 nights in that tent.  It cannot be fastened down to the ground well enough to be secure in any amount of wind and it will not be dry if there is any rain.  So, I ordered a better 1 that should be here early next week.  I will also pick up seam coating stuff and some water proof spray so I can treat all the seams and the cover here, once it comes.  I do not want to be soaked or have my stuff soaked, and there is no weather control.
     That standing around give my brain too much time to wander around, and it has been dragging out some of the trash from the past, yes, I need to sort our and 'clean out' some of that, there is no changing the past or mistakes and poor choices I made in the past, I have grown a lot and changed a lot, I am not the same woman I was at 21 or 25 or even 45.
     I might create silly day dreams but I am firmly rooted in the real world and know who I am and what I want and need in my life.  I don't need or want a romantic or intimate relationship with anyone, I don't want a companion, a live in or a man to complicate my life and my enjoying my life.
     It is my life now and my time and my chance to do things I have wanted to do most of my life, to go when I want to go and where I want to go.  The new tent will easily pack on the GTS that I recently bought and we can go camping where I want to camp, just me and the scoot, I can run the roads I want to run, see the places I want to see on my own time schedule.
     Living alone here once again is working, some adjusting and some issues, like pet care when I am going to be gone very long/overnight but I will work on that, Ben is still living close and I have a pal or 2 I can trust with a key to the house.
     Finances are snug right now but the paychecks are improving, and that will help the finances.  All my medical bills are paid off right now, Lowes is paid off, Bergners has closed their credit accounts so that 1 was paid off and is now also closed. 
     I have changed my car insurance from Progressive to Geico and that should same me some $ also.  I will also change the bike insurance but not this week, juggling money some right now, have a lot that has to be paid in the next couple weeks, and that I want paid before I head off on vacation.
     It's been 12 years since I went to Michigan Fiber Festival, and that time I took angry, unhappy, pregnant Cami with me, 14, and in the middle of a huge family conflict, she needed away before her parents could abuse her more than they had.  My daughter has not yet made peace with me for standing up for Cami's right to make the decisions about the pregnancy.  Her mother knew she was having sex with a 28 year old man that Stormy worked with and didn't care, but was going to force Cami to terminate the pregnancy because of the problems it made in Stormy's life. 
     That is not a decision that others should make for a woman, regardless of age.  She is the 1 who has to live, the rest of her life with that decision, push counseling, push thinking about what your life will be like 5 years from now, 10 years from now, but let that woman make her own choice for the reasons she believe are right for her. 
    For most of my life I had let others make my choices for me, and did what they wanted me to, tried to be the person they thought I should be. And I still have some anger issue about that but you can't reason with the dead, you can't change the dead and the only thing you can do is look at all the reasons why they might have made those choices, why they did what they did, learn from it and move on. 
     So, the first and so far, only trip to Michigan Fiber Festival had some kid issues, but I really enjoyed it and this time I am going alone- ok, so not quite alone, I'm taking a 12" doll for company, she will not take up space, won't eat anything, won't complain, and I might have some fun with photo ops.  I need to dig out some patterns her size and make her a few things, if they are not finished, 1 can finish them up at Allegan.

Work, weekends and vacation time.

     Work is ok, longer days which means a few more $ in the paycheck, which sure helps, I'm running a very tight budget, my own not being careful enough with spending and buying the GTS is a huge part of that.   But I refuse to have regrets and I did sell the Rebel and paid down credit debt with most of the $.
      Last weekend I got pal Kim to go with me to play in St. Louis, she needed a go play break, she's an only child and now dealing with aging issues for her parents, her mom requires far more care and supervision than Dad can provide and is now residing in a nursing home, doesn't know Kim or her husband when they visit.  Kim and her parents are very close, and this is so hard for her.  Watching and dealing with a much loved mother dying by inches is hell.
     And my vacation in August is coming, I am working on getting my act together as I am going to Michigan Fiber Festival, taking 3 classes there and going alone!  I had talked with pal Larry about going and he really wants to but I don't feel his health is up to the travel and possible weather conditions and I am NOT going to spend my hard earned vacation dealing with some one else's health issues, or worrying about them. 
     And I like my own company, don't want to spend that much time with him and do not want to deal with sleeping arrangements and having him wanting to maul and play with my body.  I don't have any desire to get sexually aroused and do not appreciate a damn incapable of the act man trying to stir my body.  It just makes me screaming mad, his desires and wants in that line are not acceptable for me.
     I would love to be able to pack up and take the GTS but know I can't afford the costs of a pull trailer that the scoot could haul, the hitch, the wiring work for the lights and the cost of title and plates for a blasted little go behind trailer for my scoot.  So, maybe I will work on seeing if I can accomplish that for next summer and be glad my little car gets great gas and will have enough room for everything I need/want for my little camping trip and classes up in Michigan.
    And I don't know what I am doing with this coming weekend, but running the GTS is probably very high on that list of what I will do. 

Making progress, at least with a few things

     I did get the Rebel sold, and paid down debt on buying the GTS, which is a great ride and a very good buy.  I do have a cover and the USB outlet ordered, and Ben will help me get it installed.  And since it's bigger and heavier, I am finally working with improving the grading from the street to the bike patio to get better drainage and make it easier for me to move the GTS in and out.
    And I am working on that family tree, I seem to 'hang dead bodies' on it every time I am working on it, it's expanding in some interesting directions, like the cousins and distant cousins and their spouses, which are actually not in my bloodline, but their children, would be.  So, I think that private in the Confederate Army is not a blood uncle xx times removed but the husband of that xx times aunt..  But I am slowly gaining on the tree stuff.
     Jake is now back in Colorado to live, Jaime is settling in to having his place to himself and likes it, Ben is now living on the other side of the tracks, so he's a few blocks away but it takes a round about trip to get to the house he's living in.  And I am happily adjusting to living here with just the dog and parrots for company.
    Work is going ok, shorter hours and the change of jobs in plant is helping me have less pain and hurt less, all very positive things in my small and silly little life.
     Temps are warm to hot, and the past few days have not cooled much at night.  I am still keeping the thermostat set at 78 for the air conditioning, upstairs is not very comfortable unless temps drop and I can get some cooler air coming in the windows but I'm not up there much, just not much time to sew or hang out up there.
    It's a quiet life here, I like being single, bills get paid, there's food in the house, I have peace of mind and like myself and what I am doing with my life.  I do think about what it might have been if this or that relationship had worked differently and thank God for not letting me end up with those disasters.  I count being single as a very huge blessing.

Changing Rides

     I will have to get some photos here but after 5 great years with my Rebel I now have that bike up for sale.  I didn't expect to be selling it for another year or 2 but a friend found me a really great buy on a Vespa GTS 300ie Super, dressed out and with very low miles.  I now have that bigger scooter, my LXV which I love and ride to work and all over and will not part with and have run out of bike parking space on my small bike patio.
     Work is ok, I did make a job change to a job that is less physically demanding with the same pay and better co-workers so that has improved my work attitude and lowered my stress issues.  And I don't hurt as much and am doing more at home after work, which is really great.
     Ben has moved out, he's working the local truck wash and seems to be making his life work better.  And Jake is on his way back to Colorado to live there, he helped his dad move back there earlier this month and came back here to get his Army Reserve stuff moved to Colorado, and pack up his things and say good bye.  I do hope it works for him and his good pal Darcy is  driving/riding out with him and will be flying back, a bit of vacation for her and she 'inherits' his house key and becomes my 'other kid'. 
     The new/used Vespa is a big splurge right now, I had not expected to find a scooter this summer but have started looking as I notice my right foot is doing more sneaking away from that brake pedal on the Rebel and I'm doing more looking down to see where that foot is, not the safest thing to do while cruising along the road on a motorcycle, no matter how small the bike is.  I do think I am safe to run it this summer and maybe next but thought I would start looking for used scooters 250cc up to 400cc, I don't know what all is out there or prices so thought some advance shopping would help me make a better buying decision. 
     I did not expect someone to find me a 2009 Vespa GTS with only 234 original miles for a price I could afford, but people do crazy things, including spending probably around $10,000 on a Vespa and then not riding it any amount.  The couple divorced about a year after getting this scooter, the wife got this scooter and could not ride it...years later, it's up for sale and I know a great deal when I see it, or rather when a friend calls me to check on it.
     And it's time to get to bed, work tomorrow and I actually look forward to going to work again, that's a nice change after several years of boxing stomachs, hurting, and working with 2 jerks. 

Looking at things differently

     I'm looking at my life, at my past, at how I got to where I am both physically and mentally, emotionally and looking at where I want to be this time next year.  It has been a long and not always easy road but worth the living and a lot of lessons learned, some I needed to 'take the class' more than once to learn from.
     And I'm accepting that the way I 'see' things is not always the way others do, and what works for me doesn't for others.  I can do a bit of giving here and there but I'm finding there's not much stretch or  give left in me, or much compromise.
     I work a hard, occasionally physically demanding job in a meat packing plant, that is how I earn my living, that takes up a big chunk of my day, 5 days a week, and occasionally 6.  I do have a job that I like, co-workers I like working with and that helps but it's not my 'family' and it's not my life, it's what earns the money that pays for all that matters/
     There's this old house, the payments on the current and 3rd mortgage in my 13+ years of ownership, and pays for the work, the materials I put into the improvements and repairs.  There is the bills for heat, lights, cooling, water, trash, property taxes, that job earns the money that pays for those things too, and the food I eat, the clothing I wear, the food I feed my pets.  That paycheck buys my dolls, my yarns, my internet service and the devices I use to enjoy and use that internet.
     That paycheck pays my vehicle insurance and registrations, repairs and upkeep, and it make the payments on that Mitsubishi car and that Vespa scooter I ride and love so much.  But it's not my life, it's not my best friend and it's not my family. 
     And I'm not sure always about where I will give in or what I will give up to make a relationship work with anyone.  I don't want a man in my bed, not in my bed in this house.  That stage or want is past and this new space, or recovered space, with all the time and hard work I have put in, with the new bed, new mattress, new sheets, it's just mine, and I don't want anyone 'invading' this peaceful space I have created for me.
     And that camping stuff, I'm glad he's found a place he likes and has a permanent place for his camper, he owns the lot, is a member of that little club/organization up there, and likes the location.  I don't like it, it's like being in a small camper town, it's not being out and away from the humans and their 'stuff'.  There is no waking up and looking out a window to dawn slowly lighting up nature, at just what's natural and finding peace and balance.  It's looking out into a small, crowded, campers way too close for my comfort, way too peopled for my peace and balance. 
     I'm not sure what sort of balance and compromise I will make, but he does not see the person I am, not all of me and there's so much of me and of what matters to my heart that I keep close, that I don't share, that is not anything I will share.  Especially with someone who gossips and does not realize he's crossed privacy lines, so now I don't tell him much.  He can't talk about what he doesn't know.
     And I've had several years of very single me that I have gone where I wanted, when I could, at my pace, for my reasons and I don't have it in me to give much of that up.  It's warming up here, finally, a late spring and I have the Vespa out and will soon have my Rebel out and ready for the road.  And I am not willing to give up that riding, and that for me, means hours of riding, long and sometimes hard, pushing riding.  It feeds my soul, there's just no other way I can explain what that freedom means to me, and I will have it, will not let much be more important than my needs and some of my wants.
     I'm not a calm, restful person, I'm not going to become a couch potato, a tv watching, cuddling affectionate person.  And some bridges were damaged and I'm not willing to repair them on my end, he didn't see that he was damaging the foundations, he didn't respect my ownership or my rights or put himself in my shoes with his actions...he will get back some of my time but not much and no trust, and not very much give, there's just not much left in me.
     No, I'm not mad, no I'm not depressed but I am looking at the coming summer and the weekends and what really matters with my very valuable time and how I want to spend that time.  It's not something I can go buy more of, once that day is gone, I don't get it back, so yes, what I do with that off work time does really matter to me. 
     I want and need to do old house stuff, and yard stuff, and I have other 'stuff' that matters, like time to knit or sew or read and time to ride. I am not going to spend very much time in some little camper village, wishing I was home or elsewhere, that is just not going to be happening to this old woman, not this summer and not the ones that come after.