Interesting possibilities on the horizon

      I’m very comfortable with my solo life, and it’s been years since I have dated or even wanted to, but there’s that guy who’s now in maintenance, he was in our quality control department ages ago, and left.  But he’s back, has been for a while and I’m no longer just a familiar face, there’s that smile we both seem to have when we notice each other, it’s a fun flirty thing, we are well past teenagers in school but ya, there’s some of that vibe going on.

     No, neither of us know where we are going with this attraction, and with our crazy working hours, our shifts overlap, I start before he does, maintenance works 12 hour shifts now and often 7 days a week, my life has 10 hour working days but rarely a Saturday or Sunday.   We do both live in the same small town and even on the same side of the railroad tracks, he has a dog, I have too many cats.  I don’t know if we have any common ground, interests, or anything at all besides that little spark…

     But we will just have to see what happens, I think we have both been through some rough, hard times, both of us are not moving very fast, but ya, I think there’s a possibility of romance and maybe even some intimacy, but not just yet…

Darn contagious respiratory crap!

     Being sick was NOT on my schedule, or budget but I've come down with some respiratory crap and yes, have been to the doctor, and yes, I did pick up the prescription, and yes I will be wearing face masks at work the rest of this week to reduce sharing it.

     So, I am working on Ben's socks, did start setting up the yarn for the next pair of socks, but still have to wind it into 2 balls.  And I am hiding up in my studio because the kitchen feels cold and I am already miserable.  And chilling easily, while running a temp.  But I did see the doctor, and I did forget to pay my co-pay so will go back tomorrow before going to work and get that paid.

     And watching YouTube and some of the people I follow, touring chatou in France.  Way too grand for me to live in but fun to watch.  And will be going to bed early.

Neighbors and life choices

      I do like my neighbors, I don’t know most of them very well, and I only visit with the retired couple across my south street side.  And today I baked bread, I do that almost every weekend as I don’t buy bread.  And so I called and asked if they would like a loaf, and took it over and chatted a bit.

     But i don’t know if I can do much more of that, she’s so bitter, angry and looking to blame so many ‘others’ who don’t ‘belong’ here.  And she’s also lost a grandson, adult due to drug overdose.  And of course she’s blaming all the ‘illegals’ who come across our southern border, dressed in the most expensive clothes and bringing all those drugs.  And the crime and high prices are partly due to all those Africans who should go back where they belong. . . .

      But it’s actually US legal citizens who are bringing those drugs in, and it’s a damn shame so many people Choose to use those drugs, and who choose to drink.  And those people who she’s complaining about what they buy at our local stores, they are MY coworkers and we have been running anywhere from 44-60 hour weeks for about 2 years now. The overtime pay is nice but we all could get by without so much of it and have more quality family time.  

     Yes, they are, or many are driving good vehicles, and they are paying for them too, many have been here and legal for many years, people who had babies now have college graduates, honor roll seniors, kids looking at buying their first homes.  My little kids are also adults too, time has flown by.  

     I get it that their fixed income doesn’t go as far as they would like, and I do understand that his stroke, soon after retirement has not been easy for either of them, but it’s not any of our immigrant families here that are at fault, they worked darn hard for the $ that is buying those groceries and that meat in those shopping carts at our local Walmart. 

     And the border is Not open, those Africans worked hard and paid filing fees and more fees and worked for years to come here, and most work darn hard in that same meat packing plant where I work.  And the Hispanic people have worked hard for what they have, from cars to homes to clothing to kids going on to College. And the Burmese are here now and are great workers, clean, tidy and polite. 

    I also have a good car, and a couple Vespa bikes, but I don’t have any $ television subscription service, no reason to pay for something I don’t want or need. I also make a good living at that plant, and because I overpaid my taxes, and I deliberately do that, I had a very healthy refund from both the federal and the state revenue services. 

     I wish she wasn’t so angry, so bitter and I also wish she didn’t listen to so much trash from Fox News and similar sources, but I can’t change her mind and I can’t make her life happy, rich or bring back that dead grandson, an adult who did work at our plant years ago, I actually was training him on a job when he quit, I don’t think he worked a full month at or plant, or at many of the jobs he’s has had over the past 15+ years, so, thinking and adding, he was not a young kid but a man in his mid 30’s to early 40’s. A man who had a long history of making what I saw as poor choices.  

     I don’t want to ever get that bitter, that jealous of  others, that angry at life and at people I don’t know.  My life isn’t perfect but I will say I am happier now that I am back on 2nd shift. My life just has better balance, and I have quality time playing with yarns and fabric and making things. I like being a maker of things like quilts and socks and doll clothes.

Vacation time 2nd shif7.5

  

    I have finally gotten back to working 2nd shift, and slowly the balance and rhythm of my life, my way is coming back and I am getting things done, house cleaner, eating more healthy and am happier.

    And I still have 3 single vacation days left to schedule/use in the next 2 months.  Which can be a good thing and as I have a road trip I want to make, to a huge fabric warehouse north of Minneapolis, over 7.5 hour drive, and am already looking at Airbnb accommodations and thinking about how big that place is, and wanting to not battle the weekend crowds it probably has, yes, I have already put thought into this trip I hope to make.

     Now the problem seems that a friend thinks it’s just the ‘girl’ trip ‘we’ should make.  Of course neither of us have a car she thinks she could comfortably make that trip in, we should ‘rent’ a vehicle for the trip. In an area it’s almost impossible to find a rental car!  And she doesn’t sew!  And it’s my bloody vacation time and will be my bloody funds paying for this trip.

   Yes, I did make a winter vacation trip down to KY, last February and yes I did take someone with me and yes, her child too.  And that’s not going to happen again.  Weather problems, whiny adult and child problems, phone and mapping with phone plugged into car problems.  

     I do care about my few close friends but I also know that this is MY vacation time, MY $$ and my project and I am absolutely not going to take anyone along that’s not a doll out of my doll collection.  Not even a doll club member who also sews.  It’s a fabric hunting/buying trip, it’s my luxury fun and I don’t plan to waste my $ on a rental car when I know I can make the trip there and back with my own car and I am not wanting company.  And when would work for her is NOT when I hope to make this trip, I want to play in that huge fabric warehouse on a Monday, or a Tuesday, and absolutely not on a Saturday or Sunday.  And I want 2 nights at the Airbnb and to go to that warehouse more than once.  I’ve seen videos and know I need 2-3 visits as the first will be a huge overload of all the fabrics, from wools to linen to silks to awesome quilting cottons to trims.  Yes, I plan to have some lists, yes I know what I want to hunt out first, wools and especially the clearance/remnants bin for wools.  I have a wool quilt project in mind and that’s part of why I want this trip.  Linens are awesome and good quilting cottons, 100% cottons that are lightweight and would work for doll sewing, fine scaled trims that would work for doll sewing.

     Being back on 2nd shift means I have studio time before work and I am actually sewing and creating again.  That feeds my soul, and makes me smile.  Yes, I do have a lot of fabrics but not any wools that wold work for the quilt I want to make.  Yes, I have cottons for quilts but I want some things that are or look like they would be very suitable for quilts from the 1920-early 1940’s and play with my Kansas City Star newspaper quilt patterns that I’ve had for so many years.  

    And I want some very much needed away from home, the house, the cats and without any problems or people to just breath and to regenerate and to enjoy the time, the place on my schedule and without having to take consideration of another person.  It’s not selfish, and as she’s married and has vacations with her husband, something I don’t have, it’s not like she doesn’t ever get trips or a vacation away from home. 

    I will work it out, sort it out but right now I just want to whine a little.  I know it’s not even scheduled time off from work, I need to talk with my supervisor about the time to see how much conflict/problem it will be to get the Monday/Tuesday that I want before I even book with Airbnb, and that’s something I want to do before too long.  And yes, I know the weather could cancel my trip, it’s winter, it will be winter all February and probably all of March and it’s going farther north, and yes, the winter has been harder there than here but I’m going to hope I can go, and get started with plans.  And it will be a ME only trip, dolls don’t count.    

Sorting fabrics, yarns and life

    I seem to be needing to do a lot of sorting lately, donated fabrics that need sorted out as to what I can use them for, what needs gifted/donated and what’s just trash.  And my yarns need some sorting and put into more tidy order.

     But mostly I need to work on sorting out my life and my head, my priorities, my finances and my future direction and what I want/need as my life moves on.  And life does that, it moves on, even when we don’t want it to or just aren’t ready for changes or decisions.

     I did have my list for vacation scheduling so that went fast and easy at the plant this week, it’s a March thing every year and our vacation cycles are set by our hire date, not by the actual calendar or plant vacation scheduling deadlines.  So, my first eligible day for the new ‘year’ is April 1, and all my vacation time must be taken by the last day of March.  And as I will have 19 years in this plant at the end of this month I do understand that rhythm and make it work for my life, or make my life work with that schedule stuff.

    My attic studio space is not working well for me, I have a lot of floor space but those slanted areas mean I don’t actually have a lot of cubic space, my actual walls are the north wall with 2 windows and that’s also where my pegboards and thread racks live, and I need them and don’t have a better place to locate them, I sure can’t hang them on that slanted ceiling/wall stuff.  The south wall backs  that currant storage space that might someday become an upstairs bathroom,  and it’s my books, almost all sewing/knitting and such and I don’t have a better place for them and want them easily accessed and yes, where I can glance and see what I actually have so I don’t buy duplicates.

    That long built in ‘desk’ area worked great but I need more/different. The fabric storage underneath is not easy to see what I have or to get fabrics out.  There is not enough space on the desk area for sewing on big projects, or machine quilting. The cutting table is often a piled up mess and that’s totally my doing and a problem I need to work on, organizing is NOT my strength and it might be just something I rebel against.

     Raising the east ceiling is an awesome thought but it’s not going to happen.  If I had that sort of $$ to play with I would be tearing off the old front porch and it’s roof and adding a Four Seasons addition that I could keep warm enough to winter the plants and where I could now and then get some sun on a winter’s day.  But if that roof was the same elevation as the dormer I would have a lot more usable space… it’s not going to happen so I need to work on what I do have and how I can design/use it better and without adding a lot of cost.

      I do now have a 6 foot folding table so I can set it up to work bigger projects and it will fold and store in that future bathroom space and I have sure put it to good use recently, it was well worth the $55 I paid for it.  But I really don’t have a good space/location to set it up and use it, I made it work but as I look at long term, I want/need something more workable. And where I am not rapping my head on that darn slanted ceiling stuff.  

     The thought  of winters retired and not having a really usable studio to work/play in has me wanting to not retire anytime in the next century, I can see me going insane fast and beating my old head against walls/ceiling in frustration while trying to set up the layers of a full sized or larger quilt and get it ready to be quilted.  So, while I am working and making good $$ is the time to look to the future and what I can change, how it can be changed and no, moving my bedroom upstairs and turning the living room and my downstairs bedroom into my studio area is NOT workable, it seems to become a Vespa/Piaggio garage during the winter or at least it has been this past winter.  The Liberty moved out and even took me to work last Saturday and then winter came back, the new Primavera is still backed up against the front door. And yes, there’s still 2 scooters in the shop building so yes, I do have my share of scooters and yes, I also have your share too.  

     And I also have a new Baby Lock embroidery/sewing machine coming the end of this week, and NO, I am not getting rid of the 2 Bernina machines or the Viking.  Or the rarely used surger or a loom or spinning wheel…yes, I have managed to collect a lot of ‘toys’ and yes I earned the $ that paid for all of them too.

     But that doesn’t solve my organization and space issues, I will end up with graph paper, tape measures, rulers and looking for ideas and seeing what would really work, if there’s anything I would part with or that could be kept somewhere different.  And yes, I do realize my life is rich and blessed and has stability and comfort and safety that far too many women never have.  But I still want a more usable studio space so I can create and make and craft and enjoy what I have worked so hard to provide for myself.

Winter Blues!

 Winter Blues have hit, this is the worst roads/streets we have had in several years, a heavy snowstorm, production was called off for yesterday, that’s the first time in over 10 years that this plant has called off production due to weather.  But there was NO way trucks could have gotten into farms to load pigs and then got them to the plant safely.

Today’s production on day shift was slow, and a lot of people called in, but highways are streets here in town were not much better when I came home than when I went to work, and it’s a huge part of the USA that this storm has impacted.  Mail, FedEX and UPS have also been impacted…

I spent my Wednesday shoveling and sweeping snow, open kitchen door, sweep snow away, sweep snow from the landing, enough to get out safely and then start work with the snow shovel.  I didn’t count how many times I went out to remove snow, but for me it’s easier to deal with a small amount and go back later and remove what has come down while I was inside my warm house.

And so far the mail has not brought anything from Banquet Pension, that’s now just over 7 months behind, but I did call in early January and yes, they did have all the paperwork and everything is in order and I would be receiving a letter ‘soon’.   The last time they gave me that ‘soon’ stuff was in early August and it was mid-November when the remaining paperwork to be signed and notarized showed up, so, 3+ months that time. Guess I better work on my patience.

But on the plus side, the solar panels warmed up enough, despite all the snow coming down, we got over 12 inches, to slide that stuff off and produce power. It’s putting a small amount back into the grid almost very day, I think there have been 2-3 days that it’s not done that.  Not too bad considering it’s winter and we have had plenty of overcast and cloudy days.

I do have the hitch that will be installed on the car paid for, and the parts are in, so it’s just arranging to have the car there when they can do that job.  I did text Ben to see if he could take the car for me, just in case his schedule would make it easier, he’s now working in Mt. Sterling at Dot Foods and nights, think it’s 12 hour shifts and 3 days, some off time, then 4 days but I am not sure.  This Friday should be his 2nd full paycheck and he’s going to be able to start catching up on his finances soon.

Today’s drive to work, before daylight was more stressful than I anticipated, this is the first really bad road conditions I have driven that car in, 3+ years of ownership and we have just not had much for bad roads.  I am very glad I was able to put better all season tires on this past fall, the city street tires were in good shape, just not safe if there was any ice or snow on the roads.  

I do count my many, many blessing and know my life is good, finances are not where I want them but I know I can change that in the coming year, stable paychecks and some keeping a tight rein on my unnecessary spending will have those numbers improving every month.  My credit rating is still very good, but I am not comfortable with my current debt load.  I know it’s shrinking every month and I plan to work hard on making that happen faster.  I can go through my check book and see how much I spend that is discretionary spending.

And we will work Saturday, both shifts, in fact the entire plant will be working Saturday with many of us making overtime which will balance out not working Wednesday.  I didn’t have any plans and the roads will probably still be melting off snow and ice.  I can work and appreciate the fact that I have a good paycheck next Friday to pay bills with, every week has bills and I now make lists so I can keep all that debt and payments working in a tidy order.  

 

 

A rainy day in a quiet life

      It's stopped for now but we've had rain for hours, I woke in the night to hard rains making music on my metal roof.  And thought how wonderful I now have a solid roof to protect this old house and me.  And a comfortable bed to snuggle back into and sleep.

     I worked on some knitting yesterday and I cut 1/4" grosgrain ribbon into lengths for face masks, and now have enough ready for 20 masks, it's time to start making child-sized masks again and I do have the fabric for that, and more ribbon ordered. 

     And I did work on plotting out as much of my Ameren billing as I could, I seem to be short on records that are before 2010 but know I have owned this house and lived here since 2006, so those records are gone.  The house has had a lot of work over all the years it's been mine, and yes, that's given me that under house utility area and that over 600 sq. foot expansion up under that steep roof, my studio, retreat, and even space that someday might actually become that 2nd bathroom.

     I need to get boots on and make a store run and should do that while it's not raining, and I will get to that, right now I am tucked in my studio with an archeological program playing on YouTube and have been knitting on the next pair of socks for son Ben.

     Finances are stable and going through 10 years of checkbooks sure showed me a lot of discretionary spending over the years, I am slowing that way down now as I work to pay off my debt load and do more to get ready for retirement, I want the house to be ready for that fixed income, and my finances so that I don't have to sell stuff to keep the utility bills paid in the winter or not have adequate food in the house.

     And, yes I do want a nice supply of stuff like yarns to knit with, fabrics to sew with, and a comfortable place to enjoy those hobbies.  Planning will help me gain that and I like making plans,  Sticking with them is a bit of a problem for me but I am working on more discipline on that issue.

     I know this life of mine is not what I dreamed I would have when I was 18 or 32, but it's what I have now and it's my choices and hard work that has given me the stability and security that I now have and that I do treasure.

Loosing the battle…

    Ok, so maybe I am not quite loosing, but it’s getting to be a very costly war here… trying to update my electrical service and not only is it expensive it it’s a lot of hard labor, not enough help when I really need it and not getting done very darn fast.

     But, after 16+ years of living here a granddaughter of the owners who bought it from the lumber company,  stopped by yesterday.  It was built in 1900 for employees housing and is 1 of the few left with little structure changes.  Most have been turned down or burned down years ago.

     That young family bought the house sometime after 1921, but before 1925, I had a history done years ago and that paperwork is here somewhere. And they raised their family and their grandkids grew up in and out of this house.  The rundown small house north sold to a local couple, just married who raised their kids.  

    That original ‘first private owners’ passed away in time and someone across the street bought the place for a rental.  That income helped put their kids through college and then it was sold to the tenants living in the place…who I bought it from in 2004.  And in all these years it had Never had proper maintenance or repair work done.  A lot of quick and cheap fixes, a lot of neglect and it was a mess when I got it.

     Crawling with cockroaches and stinking filthy, east foundation wall coming apart and sliding into hole that first family dug under it… but I have put in 16+ years of work and $$$ and it’s improving.  A solid foundation and a solid metal roof, safe wiring and a handicapped friendly kitchen. An expansion up into the space under that steep roof. 

     My landscaping is not what they had, and there are No big trees on my property, those were down before I bought it, old and dead or dying trees and I took out the dying maple several years back. I do have some small trees, they will get bigger and all are far enough from the house to not cause damage to the foundation or the structure.

     That now older woman talked about what the house was like when she was a child and on what her grandparents did for ‘improvements’ here.  And I bit my tongue and didn’t tell her all the costs to deal with the damage from her grandpa’s really crappy repair and poorly done work.  

    Yes, it’s an old and still shabby, still neglected looking place, but those are all new, double paned windows, and that’s a metal roof that will last years and years.  It’s still got a ways to go but the internal wiring is good, I just want more, like a tankless water heater and wiring to my shop building and yes, this sun soaking house has solar coming once I have the darn electrical service upgrade done.

    I am tired and hurting, but the trenching is done, the wiring is run and the shop has its electrical breaker box installed.  And I have better hooks up to hang my folding chairs for guests when I invite others over and use my little grill.  

     It’s a 3am alarm and this week we are 8+ hour days, last week was 10’s for my day shift.  The rains really have helped the grasses I moved but sure helped the lawn grasses and weeds grow also.  Maybe I can get some mowing done tomorrow after work.

    And yes, despite the problems, no jobs on this old house have Ever gone smoothly or easily, it’s still worth it to own this little old house. And it’s been making me a good home for the longest I have ever lived in 1 place in my entire 65 years of living.  Hopefully this old house and I have a lot more years to keep working on those repairs and improvements.  

Rantings from an old woman in an old house in an old town

    I know this is a small, old town and that this small house was built in 1900, and that electrical wiring and plumbing were not installed when it was built, it also didn’t have living space above the ground floor or any sort of basement area. 

But it’s my house and has been for over 16 years now and it’s my life and my money and what I want that rules here, within the laws of city, state and nation.  And I get to set a lot of the priorities for whatever reason suits me when it comes to repairs and improvements.  After all, I do pay for them and live with or without them, depending on the case. 

And I actually use my brains and do that stuff called research to help me make decisions I am happy with long term, I don’t have a penis, don’t need a penis and believe having 1 doesn’t make a person smarter or more able to make the decisions here about those upgrades.

Yes, I absolutely did already buy that tankless water heater and that size and yes, I do know how much More hot water it will produce than I need, on a very hot day in the middle of summer.  I also know how much hot water per minute I can expect during a bitter cold winter night in this same house and that’s probably when I will be so glad I chose this water heater and not a lesser one. It’s for those comfortable and as long as I want them showers or baths in the middle of a bitter winter night that I planned for.  Because research tells me that’s where you want to do your decisions on for those tankless heaters. Not a hot summer day.

And yes, I do know those solar panels will not provide enough electrical power for that water heater- at the time and moment I am bloody using it the most... ya, night, sun, I got that.. but during the day, even winter days, those panels will produce power, probably more power than the house is using some days... oh, ya, I do work days and live alone and set the air conditioning at 78 and have been constantly working to make this old house more energy efficient...

Yes, it will cost me $$$ to upgrade what I have to upgrade for power, got a new list and have already started buying the parts, and yes, had a talk with the solar company last night, about that meter and the not adequate power line coming to my house, which IS the property of the utility company and yes, I do believe it’s their job and their Cost to replace that line to meet the needs (and wants) of the owner/resident of this house.  Suck it up, guys, the panels will be installed after Fathers Day and I will be having that tankless water heater too, it’s going in this week while I am on vacation, even IF I cannot use it yet.  Yes, I am just fine with upgrading to 320 service here, gee, it’s actually 2021 even in small town Illinois.

And I also upgraded my internet router recently, no, the 1 I had was just fine, but it’s over 6.5 years old and cable routers have had a lot of improvements since I bought that 1, and my son can inherit it, it’s in the box the new 1 came in and can wait here for him to have a need for it. It’s not fruit, it won’t spoil.  And yes it is my $$ and I am the person who earns it.  

But I am not unhappy with everyone male, just the ones who yesterday made bumps in my little road of life, including Kevin, employed at Lowe’s who didn’t respond to customer needs help in your area for 45 minutes....seems he did look and notice that old woman in long skirt but he didn’t THINK he saw a customer...  who had him measure out and cut 38 feet of 1/0 copper electrical wire that will be needed for the upcoming job, 4/0 is code, 2/0 is what the annoyed utility technician who has to do the line replacing job is demanding and since it was out of stock I bought a grade higher and better...now as the price for it will be higher in 2 months when it’s actually needed.

And my Liberty scooter tire is off, in the car and MotoEuropa is expecting me with tire and a box of Diana’s Bakery goodies today... and yes, overnight stay in the city to play and yes, this is my vacation time.  But a bank errand first, they don’t open until 9, and a stop to drop off some paperwork before leaving town.  

And yes, I do still own 3 Piaggio scooters and no, even after that accident this past September I am Not selling any of them and yes, I will still be riding...but not down to the city this week. It’s still too cool and the weather too UN dependable this time of year, it’s still early April.

And my orthopedic team are Very Pleased with how well leg and I are doing, and after x-rays and carefully examined screw in those X-rays, my concerns about screw working out and migration issues has been laid to rest. Yes, that screw has to be removed but not right now, we all can safely leave it alone until it’s pushing up against the skin, it’s got at least 30mm/3cm of shaft to work out before it can migrate and it will be pushing against the skin before it’s crawled out even 1/2 that distance.  I had not actually looked at the total length of that trying to escape screw and though it was far shorter.  

About that rally week and vacation

  Weather was great, and I love the Airbnb where I stay... but the first ride of the rally, on a borrowed scooter with way too much air pressure in the front tire for my weight and the downhill steep curves ended abruptly with me in an ambulance to the nearest hospital and the scooter with minor scratches. I ended up with major splintering of my fibula and a long, painful recovery. 

 I am on vacation this coming week but spent over 4 months off work healing up.  And I will never walk the same again.  But, yes, I will still be riding, and yes, I will check tire pressure far more often. I tend to ride with my front tire just slightly below recommended tire pressure as it’s about weights of riders/load also and I just am not up to ‘average’ weight of riders on those models of scooters I own. 

And the Huge vacation project is all the electrical work and then plumbing work for a tankless water heater, and I am well started with the job, and yes, son Ben is helping as he has time. I absolutely would NOT have gotten that 6 gauge wire pulled from under house through the conduit and into the new shut off box without him and his help and strength.  This upgrade on my hot water system will save me a lot of $$ as my current hot water tank costs me a lot to keep reheating the same water and is a huge lime factory. I will need to set up my plumbing so that new tankless water heater can be flushed with vinegar easily but that is in the planning and well worth the cost of the parts.

I need to also work on my scooters, and yes I will still be riding. It was not my skill that was the problem, it was science and that includes gravity.  Far more carefully and a lot longer rides time wise to go the same distance, but I also now have a budget friendly recumbent exercise bike that I am putting time on every day to help with my legs and knees, especially that damaged knee/leg.

Rally Week, ya, we still have Covid-19 to deal with but-

      And day shift Kill worked so I spent my Saturday reminding myself that I could cope with whatever and whoever.  But I am home, up in my studio, and have a lot that I want to get done before heading down to St. Louis for the rally.

     I'm staying at an Airbnb that I stayed at earlier this summer when I took the Liberty down for service, it's an easy walk to Diana's Bakery, in a very nice vintage/historic house and that's already paid for, my gas funds and play funds are out of savings and what Ben owes me.  He will be doing a prepaid Visa card for me to use.  That will be a very new experience for me but safer for me financially.

     And yes, we are still wearing masks, yes, we will have them at the rally, in fact, that's the theme this year and I have some fabric that is very MartiGraw masks looking and have cut masks from that but still need to do the sewing.  And I need a new tool roll as I don't yet have 1 in the LXV which is what I will be riding this year.

     It's starting to get cooler now, down to 42 this morning, but I haven't yet brought the potted plants inside and that will be done before I head down to St. Louis. I have a list that is growing for what all I need to do before heading down to the rally, including some repair work on the LXV.

     Politics is either interesting or just downright scary, Trump is still lying most or all the time, Bill Barr is looking more like the general at the New Dictatorship and Biden is doing his best to show all of us that we still do have some adults left in the government that do know and like our constitution.  I never had any desire to be living in such an absolute 'this has to be fiction' reality but that's what we have here in the USA.  

     My life has had a lot of ups and downs, I wasn't raised to be independent, I wasn't taught good life skills, I was terribly stupid about a lot of things, like Job Service, factories have jobs that make a good living.  I made a lot of mistakes and poor choices but learned from them.  I didn't have the best parenting skills but I didn't grow up with really great parentings examples to learn from or to help build that foundation.  But I was raised with good work skills, with a lot of other 'stuff' that has helped me fix my mistakes, learn to research first, but most of all, I learned to Not trust, and that I was more capable than I was taught to believe.  

     So, at 64, I do like myself and how I am living my life.  I know my flaws and I know which ones I am willing to work to change and which I think will just be how I am, at least for now.

Life in a Pandemic

     I never expected to be living in a pandemic, it was not on my list of realities but that's what the world has now.  Covid-19, originated in Horseshoe bats in China, been making life hard, challenging, and deadly around the world now.  It's been over 6 months to get to where we are now.
     But so far I am safe and still working, still living my funny little single life.  Still riding scooters and still needing to put more effort into house and yard work.
      But today was a fun ride over to West Quincy for cigarettes for Ben, check if motorcycle shop had filters for my rides, they didn't, buy food for Blue quaker, and enjoy some road time.  I miss runs down the river to St. Louis, way too much closed, way too much health risks for the fun I have enjoyed past summers.
      My long-planned vacation to Colorado was postponed and I spent my week off here and didn't get much done.  I did brood and pout some, did work on a few things but think I just felt sorry for myself and the situation.  Our current administration and president is a disaster that just keeps getting worse.  I keep thinking he has hit the bottom of that and then something else is done or said or happens,
     Ben is doing ok, he's talking needing a low budget and economical car and also looking for a place to buy, he is not wanting to keep renting and there are issues with the current situation, renting the upstairs in a house,  I won't discourage buying, it works for me and I do like my old house, even when I spend $$$ on non-essentials instead of old house repairs.
     Jake called this week, on a tear about what his paternal grandmom wrote in her little more fiction than fact history of Lily Park and her family.  He's upset about her lies and bad mouthing me and how she treated his dad.  I told him I am fine, she is years dead and hasn't been able to hurt me or do me any damage for a very long time.  That my life here is good and it works well for me.  She and what she wrote are just not important, really, and that he just needs to let it go. 
     I have worked to make this life good for me, and it gave all my sons a place to come live when they needed that.  And it keeps giving me that, a job that pays more than my living, a town I am ok with living in, and more importantly, a life that is mine and lived my way.
      I started reading Mary Trump's book and find it interesting, but it's also already having me look at my past, at my family and what influences and patterns and so forth have been a part of my life, including all the poor decisions and poor sense of self-worth.   I was raised with, some of which still makes some waves in my emotional pond.  I cannot change the past, and I certainly cannot change who my grandparents and parents were but I have quit letting some of that continue to damage my life and quit measuring myself by their yardsticks.
     I sometimes am lonely, but I have chosen wisely for my life and future, and now, at 64, there is NO way I want to make any amount of changes to how I live or how my earnings are spent or share my space, my home.
     I am working on trying to eat better-balanced meals, that's a huge challenge for me, I don't dislike veggies, I just forget about them far too often.  Like I can go weeks without eating any, forget to put them on the grocery list, forget to buy them.  Before the pandemic and everywhere shut down I think my trips to Hibachi Grill and their great foods, especially veggies was my easy fix, not often enough bur far more often than I have since early March.   So, now I am making more effort, have decided I can afford baby carrots, they make a good and healthy snack, far better for me than lots of jelly beans and M&'s are. 
     And I am trying to put some order in my attic area, both the studio and the south retreat.  I tossed some stuff out, I boxed up some of the dolls, I sorted through a plastic tote bin, still need to decide what to do with some of the stuff out of it, but the fabric mountain is now in the tote and the desk chair that needs to be thrown away is downstairs.  There is still a LOT more that I need to do but I did get started and have made a dent in the mess.  I really do like my old house and my life here, and I have put so much work and $$ into this place and into creating this attic space.  But when it's a mess I am NOT able to enjoy my studio or my retreat, and the mess was mine, no one did it to me.  I worked on the storage area, that someday might become a bathroom, during the week some, and now have started tackling the other areas. 
     I am a little blue today, or this evening, sorting head things out, and that's always going to have some blue spots, not deep dark depression, just a bit sad.  The past is done, it cannot be changed, I can 'walk through my memories' and put them into perspective, and understand better and grow some, balance some and accept what cannot be changed, especially when it's other people and I can't get answers, asking the questions of the dead just doesn't get answers.  I've done plenty of that and it doesn't change. 
     But I'm going to shut down up here in the studio for tonight and get myself fed and try to put me into bed and asleep at a more reasonable time, for a change.

Covid-19

  It seems like a tiny thing, a little virus, apparently from a bat common in China but it's now spread worldwide, killing thousands and changing life for almost everyone on this planet. It will be many months before there is a vaccine and in the meantime, here in the USA with our for Profit health care system and our narcissist, greedy, tiny minded and egocentric president, we are heading into a huge recession or depression and the death toll grows rapidly every day.
    Food production plants are still working but a lot of the USA is shut down with no idea when things will be back to some sort of normal.  I am part of that working group of people with the rest of our plant.  But it's got some crazy spots, like all the people running about with spray bottles of sanitizer and cloths to wipe down stair railings, locker doors, bathroom stall doors, our cafeteria tables, and benches.  The newest change is an earlier start time to Kill floor, the idea is to try and give some time separation between A shift and B shift. 
    We have more than 2500 people every day in and out of our plant and from a huge area of this state, some travel over 60 miles each way, every day for work.  So the possibilities of someone bringing this virus into the plant and sharing it are huge.  Especially as this virus might not even be severe enough for a person to realize they have it, and it's contagious for a long period of time.  This means that most of the employees, the contractor's employees could all be exposed before anyone knew we had a case in the plant. 
    Add in the fact that the USA has not enough testing kits, and are only testing Sick people unless you are rich or rich and famous.  This is that 'interesting times' in that Chinese curse.  May you live in interesting times was not about a lot of fun and holidays, it's stuff like this that we very spoilt Americans have NO idea of how to cope or what to do.
     So, I really need to update that will, I am in that 'high risk' group, high risk of death stuff and the current will was done when Jake was still in high school.  He's now turning 31 next month, and my life has gone through some changes so that's on my list of stuff to do this coming week, I have both Sunday and Monday off and with the internet and a computer, and we know I have more than 1 of those things and a printer, and yes, that lives here too.
     I want it warm enough to get a scooter out and take a ride, and I want my old 'normal' life back and NOW would work fine.  But that scooter ride depends on the weather and March has decided to go out like a lion so I don't expect to have the scooters out very soon.  And that virus will set our schedules for some time to come.  It would be nice to think it would clear up soon but the darn virus seems to have a long life span, at least 17 days on a solid surface and a person can have a 14 day time period from exposure to showing symptoms, with most of that they are contagious.  It is going to be a long and hard spring.
     But my life here is really good, I have a life I do like and I know I have worked hard to make this life work, to have the financial stability that I now have, and the stuff that I own, from the scooters to my dolls to the fabrics, yarns and such that I enjoy.  The road has had some rough spots but those have made me a much stronger and more confident person and smarter, harder and tougher.
     I miss eating out in a restaurant, take out is NOT the same, and I miss the doll club meetings, they are canceled for now.  I miss trips down to St. Louis and the shops I go to down there and the places I like to see, and the people down there that I enjoy seeing.  I know it's all still there, and I will be going again, just not on my next paid day off.  It has become 1 of my favorite ways to spend a paid day off, early morning run down to the city and Diana's Bakery and then off to MotoEuropa to visit and drop off a box of bakery goodies, look at the rides and talk bike talk, eat at Triumph Grill and then off to do a bit of shopping before heading back home.  Scooter runs when the weather is good, and a car trip when it's not.
     But for now, I have 6 day work weeks, plenty of sewing projects and some knitting ones to work on and picked up tacos from my convenient taco truck so that took care of supper.  My house is warm and I have food, the car has plenty of gas and the price of that is very low.  My credit rating is solid, and my finances keep working, bills get paid on time, debt is going down and savings are growing.  My health is stable, which means my arthritis is livable, my allergies are not too bad and there is no one making a mess of my finances, my house or my emotional stability.  I still want the dog gone but I still feed him and walk him and clean up dog hair everywhere.
   

Winter is here

     And no, I am not really ready and no I don't like it but will manage to survive.  The plant is working long and hard hours and 6 day weeks, good paychecks but very tired old body.
     I am actually done with the doll club gift for our annual party and gift exchange, finished the smocked dress for Tonner's Ann Estelle type doll today, tied up the shoes with a red ribbon and fastened to the hanger.  It will get packaged later, for now I am just very glad to have it finished.
     And I still need to put that darn van up for sale, and just entered a lottery for a chance to Buy a very pricy Volks doll, very limited edition Rapunzel, which I do not need.  But I might not win the chance to buy her either, there will be a lot of people entering and a very limited # of dolls offered by lottery.
     But I do have a new doll to make patterns for and sew for, now that the doll club project is done and I have a similar sized doll, the new doll is taller but Wellie Wisher and Glitter Girls clothing will fit, a bit too short but that will help me alter patterns and I have a lot of Wellie Wisher patterns to play with so printed some out.  I also did some math and had some patterns for the 12" Ruby Red dolls enlarged some and will see how that fits also. 
    My knitting projects are not making good progress, partly the hands hurting and partly dealing with the doll club project first.  Now that is done I need to get my sweater bound off and the sleeves knit.  And I have committed to 2 pair of socks for Jake to gift, 1 pair is started, the yarn for the 2nd pair is upstairs waiting for me to wind the skein into 2 balls so it's ready to start. 
    But I need to shut this laptop down and want to read a bit before I head to bed and sleep.

Mother’s Day!

     Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers in my world, those I know, those I’m related to, those that do all that stuff that needs done and rarely get a pat on the back or given credit for what they do.
     Happy Mother’s Day to my only daughter, who gave birth to 4 children but didn’t parent them through their growing years.  I know I didn’t always set a good example, I know I wasn’t mature enough when you were born, and didn’t have very good guidance to help me learn better parenting skills.
     I didn’t provide the stability or standard of living that would have provided you with a better foundation but I did the best I could and the best I knew how to.  I made a lot of foolish decisions and chose relationships that were not good for either of us far too often.  But I did all I could to try and set good values, ethics and protect you from harm.
      And you made choices and picked your own direction in life, I helped you pick up the pieces a couple times, which is also part of being a parent, and when you told me to get out of your life and stay out, I did that too.  But I never quit caring or loving you or praying that your life is good, that you are healthy, happy and doing well.
     I can’t build a bridge that I didn’t burn or tear down, it takes 2 for that to happen and it’s not something you want, so I wish you well and hope life is good for you.
     Happy Mother’s Day to my oldest granddaughter, who is now a mother of 4, and has had some very hard and rough times throughout her young life.  Not all of those were of your choosing or your doing, but some were, and you have for years now been the person in charge of your life and your directions.  I wish you health and happiness, and that your life is good.
     I do a lot of thinking at work about my life and past decisions and choices and about both of you and our relationships, and have regrets but I know I cannot change the past, I cannot ‘fix’ anything that has happened and I also know I’m not to blame for a lot of things that have happened in your lives, I’m not at fault and I didn’t cause it.  I packed around that guilt for a long time, and I admit that I let myself be manipulated by that guilt feeling and by my own feelings of failure.
     I wish you both health, peace and good lives.  
   

Thinking back

     And that has never changed anything, but then, I can see growth and I have come to terms with what I cannot change.   So many miles, so many different places I have lived but this town and this old house has been my longest home.  I’m now 62, almost 63, and yes, these past 14 years in this house, the past 16 years in this town, with this plant for work has been the longest ever.
     I have worked hard to have the stability I didn’t have as a child, as I was growing up, as I became an adult, a parent and as I raised my own children.  So, it’s an old house, and a small town, a labor job in a meat packing plant but all of it works for me.  I now have good credit and a really awesome car, and the payments to go with it.  I have a couple scooters and I do the work on them, and when it quits raining I can do some of that maintenance stuff and be riding again this season.
     There’s yarns and fabrics, dolls and books, there’s music going most of the time I am awake and here, occasionally it’s the tv or laptop or iPad and YouTube or Netflix or a DVD, but most often, it’s music that I have chosen.
      And I am again living alone, no sons, no pals, no housemate or man.  And this really works well, I quit even considering dating or being involved with anyone.  I don’t have to, I don’t want to and it is OK for me to be single and be happy that way.
     Today’s email had a notification from Credit Karma, it seems that Victoria’s Secret has cancelled my account, it has been idle for long enough now.  Nothing there that I need or want, and when I need or want something, I can buy it without needing or wanting their credit card.  It’s not the only account that will be closing due to non-use.  And I am liking that.  It is a negative impact if I close them, but not if they are ‘aged out’ and closed by the company due to lack of use.  That might seem crazy but it’s how credit looks at things.
     Peace, that’s something I’ve found and the ability to accept and like the person I am, and not let anyone make waves in my self confidence or balance.  I no longer need to please someone or let their petty comments bother me.  I’m not measured by their rulers, and it’s not their job to decide what I should do, wear, say or be.  And I’m not bothered by someone else’s issues, if they are bored, it’s not my job to entertain them, if they are lonely, that is Not my problem, it is theirs and it is not my job or responsibility to ‘fix it’.

Spring and riding season has started!

 

     But so far I have not gotten much riding done, I am getting a bit more confident with that vintage scooter I won last year down in St. Louis at the Missouri Loves Company rally, and the LXV has a new spark plug and a fuel problem.  I am hoping a bit of Heat has that resolved but need a bit of warmer weather to run it some and find out.
      The furnace is down, son Ben thinks we need to research and see if we can fix it ourselves and since I can make do without it for right now and there is a good chance it’s a part we can buy and install ourselves, I am good with that idea.  Those rides of mine are eating up money as fast as they can get it.  Both the LXV and the GTS get valve clearance adjustment this spring, I have the needed valve cover gaskets, GTS is still in the bike shed but the battery is in and I have started it.  I need to pop off that valve cover and get out those gauges and check that ‘valve lash’ stuff and adjust if and as needed.  Once the GTS is done, it can come out and the LXV can go in so I can have ‘shop’ area to keep things clean when I pull that valve cover off to do the same sort of adjustment stuff.
     The vintage Vespa has gotten new correct mirrors, a replacement rear bumper, a proper tail light and center stand.  I need to chase down the horn problem and see if the turn signals and I can come to an agreement.  I want to replace the smoked gray lenses with the proper orange ones, partly because I feel that they will be more noticeable and maybe make me and that little scooter a bit safer out on the roads.
     Work is still going ok, still like going to work every day, changing jobs in plant has been a good change for me, I’ve been on the ‘crown and flush’ job over a year now and am still glad to go to work, that is a big and very nice change from when I was boxing stomachs.
     And I’ve changed cars and banks, so am settling into those changes still.  Like the car much better than I did the Mitsubishi, but it was and is a good car with great MPG which is important to me.  I dropped mpg but not much and added a LOT to the credit debt with the car change but I really like the new car, same year and about the same miles, Hyundai and extended that bumper to bumper warranty so that works for me.  
     I gained a 6 speed manual tranny, and blue exterior, more leg room for me and a hatch back which I really like, and it came with some perks and ‘goodies’ so I still have fog lights but gained a back up camera, neat feature and it’s computer smart and already knows my cellphone, when I turn on the Bluetooth.  I already bought a cover and today ordered the window vents so I can put the windows down a tiny bit and not let much in but airflow.  I will be making seat covers for both the back seating and for the front seats but did move the steering wheel cover and seat covers from the Mirage.  And I have a car I can recognize so don’t need stickers/decals or other ‘things’ on it to identify it.  That is a nice change too and I like driving it.
     I am still ‘rocking’ this single in my 60’s stuff, and when I think over all the years it took me to get to where I am and who I am, I’m good with me.  No man has ever provided for me as well as I have for myself, nor have they given me the stability that I have provided for myself.  I no longer have anyone pushing me to be what they want but get to be who I am, I really like that.
     It has been a long and hard road with a lot of bad/poor/stupid choices but that is really the past and actually the Long past.  And none of it can be changed so I have, for the most part, come to terms with all of it and moved on.

Crazy things old women do!

      On Friday, March 29 I had an S. V. (single vacation) Day and took the Mitsubishi down to St.Louis for a service appointment and did some shopping and visiting and had a really good day away from home.  Of course it rained all the way down Thursday night and started raining Friday afternoon as I was leaving the city.
     Saturday started wet and gray and didn't change all day, but I texted pal Jaime to see if he wanted to run to Jacksonville to look at flooring for his kitchen project he has plans for this year.  Instead, about 1 p.m. I picked him up and we headed to Springfield to play, and started at World of Powersports, food was the next stop and the we headed, in my car, with me driving (this is part of where you start wondering just what crazy thing I am going to end up doing) to cruise the car lots, yes, in the rain, so Jaime can indulge in his favorite hobby, drooling over cars. 
     I drive very slowly through lots, stopping often, Jaime get out and looks, might even talk to salesmen and I knit when I am parked and waiting for him.
    Of course it was late afternoon when we headed towards home, but first to Thorntons for gas and for Jaime to get a drink and snack.  The last stop of the day was Green's warehouse indoor car sale, on the last day, late in the day.  It should have been a very safe place for him to drool and me to knit a bit.
    And yes, Jaime found something he thought he might want to trade his 'bought new, hasn't had long' car for and got busy with salesman and their financial guy which left me with no 'sitter' to keep me from wandering about with knitting in hand, a sock for son Ben, and yes, I do look at cars and knit as I walk around inside. 
     So, I have (had) a very good, more warranty than payments, very good MPG economy car that I bought December 2017, in fact, Jaime went with me to Columbia MO to see that car and to drive my Neon home.  I did sell the Neon a couple days later to a guy I know at the plant.
       And it is a good, solid car that I got for about $2,000 below book, so a very good buy.  I don't like the color but the gas mileage is really good and I tossed a cover over it when riding season started it and rarely drove it last summer.   But when I went to see it I thought I was going over for something with a standard transmission, my preference and what the car was listed as.
      So, I'm knitting and wandering around and find 2 blue cars tucked into a corner, Hyundai, which I had that Accent and loved it, until some jerk in a hurry leaving the plant parking lot managed to total my car!  Pretty cars so I have to look at the first 1, black interior, 2016 and automatic, and then look at the other 1, red interior, ok, so that's interesting' and fog lights, I have those on the Mitsubishi and like them.  And Wow, it is standard, 2017 and a Veloster, which struck me as what would happen if a Tiberon and an Accent had unprotected sex.   When I bought that Accent, back in 2000, I had wanted the Tiberon, but bought the practical economy car, the Accent instead. 
      I was amazed how long it took me to corner a salesman but I finally did and talked him out the door to look at what I was driving, Yes, I did tell him that, come see what I am driving and then we can go look at what I want to be driving. . . . .I had it service (and paid for that) the day before, and had not 2 miles away, filled the gas tank. .  See, I told you, crazy old woman!   
      I did take it for a test drive, and the salesman went with me and put $20 worth of gas in it, and took it back and Jaime and I started removing My stuff from that black car I was trading in on that blue ride!   And the paperwork got done, I downgraded in mpg and upgraded ( a long upgrade) in debt load and now have a car that has 6 speed transmission and a clutch (and a LOT of payments) a color I love, more driver's leg room, a very good warranty, a local (Springfield) dealership with a very good reputation, I had taken my Accent there after moving here.   And free oil changes and car washes and it's very, very sporty , like the speedometer goes to 160 mph, and is hatchback, which I really like.  It's a subcompact so a bit bigger than the Mitsubishi Mirage and far more fun to drive!
     As I told the finance guy doing all that paperwork, very late Saturday afternoon (ok, early evening) that I had never traded in a car, much less 1 that I was still making payments on, that I have never bought a car without doing a lot of research before making a decision but  loved the color, liked the gear shift and was buying that blue car.
     It will make a tight budget for a month or so, which means I quit wasting $$ on things I don't need like more dolls, more fabrics, more books and work some overtime when it's available.  But I can afford the car, I really like the car and it's mine now!  And I will drive people crazy on the road with a very sporty, fast looking car that I put on cruise control once I reach speed limit.  I can't afford tickets and the car, and I don't need to be going much over that posted speed limit, it does not matter how fast that car will go, I do not have to try and fly down the highways around here just because I have a car that can actually go way too fast to be safe.

Purple Toe Syndrome

       That sounds far more entertaining that the reality is.  What it is: a symptom of some problem, circulation to extremities slows, causing the platelets to start sticking together, forming bruising and blood clots.  It is unusual and the first questions are if you are grossly overweight, diabetic or have been on warfarin for an extended period of time, like several years and are elderly and usually male.
        Since it's easy for the crew at SIU Dermatology to see that I am not overweight, and I am not diabetic, and have never been on warfarin, we look for other causes, lupus, rare genetically linked diseases, and the blood work was done last week and they will call with results and everything goes to my primary care doctor here in town, who also got a hand carried hard copy of the lab work ordered.  I have NO clue what the tests are, but knew he would.
        If all are negative there is 1 more blood test to run, but all are for very rare, very uncommon diseases and there is NO cure for them.  Lupus is an autoimmune disease, but mine has never flared much and I've probably had it for 30+ years.  That genetic stuff is where I have NO idea of what or who or when, and my doctor says that is very normal, especially with diseases that show up so very rarely.
     For now, it's more water and aspirin every day to help reduce the chance of a blood clot causing problems.  I see him again the 14th and he expects to have the results of the lab work SIU had done.  And we hope we have answers and can start a plan of action to help keep me as healthy as possible.
      In the meantime, I have fabric coming from Farmhouse fabrics, for doll sewing and I have 4 doll dresses to do the hand smocking on, socks going for Ben, a full time job at JBS, 3 Vespa scooters wanting time, money and work before riding season and a very tight budget because I have been very careless with my spending and with credit.
     But the tax returns are filed and accepted so in time, and we have NO idea this year what that 'time' thing will be, but I will have both state and federal to help fix some of my financial 'be stupid' stuff.  And since my refunds are nice sized, I went into h.r. at the plant and filled out the form to reduce the amount extra I have held out on both federal and state so in a week or 2, or once they get it done right, I will have $17 more every week in the paycheck.
     And after finishing David Weber's newest Safehold book and griping and whining, I am starting the whole series over, he will Not have the next book in this series available for pre-order for months and I expect a January 2020 release date.  I did tell Jake, when he was trying to reason with me that I need those books to entertain me while I knit his socks, that his getting socks depends on my having some really good and entertaining reading  while I knit.
     We had some really cold weather and snow, now we have rain, in fact just a few minutes ago the skies opened up and it dumped a lot of water or so the roof sounded.  But I am tucked in my studio in my warm and dry house and  despite stupid health issues, a very tight budget, cold and wet and tired of winter gripes, life here is doing ok.   

Middle of December?

     Riding season went far too fast, fall flew by and winter is starting to feel long and cold.  But I still have the entire house to myself, at least as far as human inhabitants go.  And for the most part, I really like it.  The entire attic space is mine!  My looms and weaving are in the south end right now, and need more attention and the sewing is several works in progress in the north end.
     The job change in plant has me coming home with more energy and less pain so I’m getting a bit done on some project almost every day and I’m happier.  I will not claim the house is any cleaner but it’s quieter and that works well for me.
     We are seeing a little more overtime this fall than we had last year, and I am enjoying that.  Bills paid on time or early, extra paid on credit debt and some play money.  Right now sewing seems to get that money, and I have a wish list for this coming paycheck.
     Jake calls, he’s settling in well and he and his dad have a ‘tiny house’ now.  An old school bus that someone else started as a mobile tiny house and Jake and Sam now are living in and working on.  And enjoying being up in the high country Colorado.
     Ben is still at the truck wash, has a gal pal living with him and is working on the old truck, right now it’s a fuel pump problem.  He seems to be doing well and staying self supporting which really matters to his mother.
     I am working on some ‘head’ issues now and then, old memories, old choices, things I cannot change, and others whose choices were not my doing and I’m not willing to accept any guilt for their bad results.  There are no ‘do overs’ in life, and no parent makes all the right choices and does everything ‘right’ all the time.
     I do care about all 4 of the children I gave birth to, and want them to have lives they like and that work for them.  What they have done for years is their decisions and their choices and their roads to walk.  I accept that and have learned to live with the distance between myself and the older 2.  They have the right to have no relationship with me, and I am ok with that, it’s not my choice but I can live with it and make my life work.
     I spent last week sad, walking through memories of 40+ years ago, and my life then, my daughter then.  A blonde haired, brown eyed baby Sasha baby doll, a hard fall, a long way from family and no friends, loss of a planned pregnancy, the loss of my much loved grandpa, a very rocky marriage and sewing for a doll shop, sewing for a Christmas gift for that child who turned 4 that Thanksgiving.  My bright spot in my life was my daughter, she was my world and everything I did was to give her the best possible life I could.  I made some really not workable choices, not her fault and not really mine, too young, too far from solid good advice, too much of the wrong advice, too afraid to stand my own ground, to stand up for myself.
     I can’t change that, and I will send this EBay bought doll on to raise funds for either the Sasha conventions or for UFDC, once she has a nice wardrobe and I’ve gotten through the sad and blues days.   And my sewing and creativity is again bringing me joy and happiness, small things, small dolls and my skills and ability, and having a really great work space.