Sleepless nights

I'm too hot, my bed is uncomfortable, my 'ouches' hurt but not enough to take something for and my brain is restless and moody.
As I am slowly improving from the appendix problem and resulting surgery I get to go back to that 'accident post' body/foot feel. And that's a let down. I want this accident over and done with. Ben should have his settlement done soon, and I will be glad that is taken care of for his part but for me, even once the final papers are signed, the final medical release is done, I won't be done with dealing with the effect of this accident on my life and my body.
I tried to ride a bike once so far, that was not really successful but I didn't wreck the bike so there is hope, right? But climbing into the attic for my caning stuff was a struggle and until I no longer climb a ladder to get into the attic, it will be a struggle.
What used to be easy, what I used to take for granted, now will be up hill battles the rest of my life. Most of the time I am able to accept that and know I will get to the top of that hill. But there are times when I feel so defeated by my own body.
I haven't always taken the best care of this body, but sure have not abused it. I don't always eat a balanced meal, but I am not overweight and don't have weight related health problems.
I don't have any drinking, drug or smoking issues and really do not live on M&M's, despite the rumors otherwise.
I admit I am not good at long term romantic relationships but some of that is because I am very independent and self-sufficient. At my age, it's far better to be alone than to deal with the mess that comes with a lot of the men that are single and in the age group I am willing to date.
I don't have a lot of 'mess' to drag into a relationship and will not be helping them clean up their mess. And being lied to about stuff that could become huge problems, especially ones that financially could really damage my ability to keep my little world going so nice and stable, those I really back away fast from.
At 54 I am able to put a roof over my own head and pay my own bills, now I know that roof needs repaired but I have been consistantly working on this house since I bought it, and I knew it would be a long and slow haul to turn it into the place I know it can become.
I do, as I should, ask myself, ask that man, what he is bringing to the relationship, what better quality of life does our being together gain both of us? And yes, I do ask myself what that man can do for me as well or better than I can do for myself, and improved sex life does not count on that list.
Neither does companionship as I do not lack companionship and friendship in my life. So, what good qualities and what abilities and what problems are all taken into my consideration and yes, I do weigh things, and judge things. It is my business to keep my life in order, not the business of my children to end up having to clean up my mess or help feed me in the future because I did not think and plan for myself for that future.
I realize that my writing how I feel, and being honest with what is going on in my life here at my blog has offended someone, maybe more than 1 someone, but I have this blog so I can write my feelings, my real life stuff and I do know the 'world' can see it, and can criticize, nit pick, run me down or pat me on the back. I do think about what I write, and I almost always preview and re-read, or save to draft and think over, re-read before posting. Some of that is to correct typos and spelling errors, some is so I can be sure I am not just 'letting out all the mad'.
I'm not going to post a laundry list of my issues with someone, and at this minute, a certain someone, but I will say I did have a great time out west the second trip, and am glad I made that trip. I learned a lot about that man from the past, both positive and negative, I filed a lot of those conversations away to re-think, re-evaluate and to weigh.
I don't think I would have realized some things as soon without that trip out west, and learning later could have been very costly for me. So, that accident and ability to spend almost 2 weeks in the southwest has brought me sooner to see some major problems that I will not allow to become a mess in my life.
I did learn just recently that legal notices are now available on line and not at all hard to pull up. I went through a foreclosure on the house in Missouri, when after 2 years I could not get it sold and I could not live and work here and also make those housepayments in Missouri, and I am still paying off the difference from what the house sold for and what I owed. And it's around $1500 now so I am seeing progress and will have that debt gone as soon as I can.
Finding out I had been lied to about a name on a mortgage that was in default, realizing I had been lied to, decieved about that from the very beginnning of our 'back in touch' stage, he's right, it's not about the settlement, it's all about huge lies about huge financial obligations that he would be dragging into my life and that could turn my stable finances into a disaster for the rest of my life, accident or no accident, settlement or no settlement.
I will say I am very glad my dog was still at the vet, they kept him overnight when he was nutered. It would have confused and upset him greatly to have been here with me, at about 6 am last Saturday, raging though my own house, ranting about lies and low life creeps and ya, those that know me well, you know the upset and angry me.
Breakfast for me and a trip to Virginia to get that dog from the vet, time at home with that pup and then a walk with that pup, and time to calm down before sending an e-mail, to be told once again he was not on that mortgage...he could have googled his name and pulled up that same legal notice I pulled up and raged and ranted and foamed at the mouth about.
You know, it's not that he is also on that mortgage that was defaulted on, it's that he lied over and over about being on that same mortgage that had me raging. And there is no way, with a mortgage that huge and what all you go through now to get a mortgage that he did not clearly know what paperwork he was signing his name to when that mortgage was taken out.
I have to wonder, anyone would wonder, if he so clearly lied about this, what all else has he lied about and just why did he choose to lie??? And I had to wonder if he thought I was totally stupid, that he thought something like a huge mortgage that was defaulted on would not ever come back to haunt life down the road? Let me say here, clearly, those things do come find you and they grow while they are hunting for you...
And none of that changes the facts that I do have to make my life work, that I do have the right to protect myself, and that I do have the right to be open and honest on my own blog, knowing that anyone and everyone with internet in the world can read what I post.
And some of those people are again saying, foolish Maggie, by now you should know to run a background check on a man before even going to coffee with him. And most really are not concerned about it, they also have very real lives that they are busy living and what I post about some man they don't know, won't ever know, isn't important to them.
So, my advice is that if my posts offend you, please just quit reading them. Don't let what I feel, what I write be important enough to make waves in your little pond. Shut me out, close that door and walk away, it's not worth the stress. And that 'make your life miserable' comment, well, I try and not make threats that later I might be held accountable for. Getting revenge for my post strikes me as very immature, very huge waste of time and certainly makes somone one a lesser person..along with possibly putting them in legal trouble. Loads of things now days are against the law, many of them are so traceable now. Also, you have to matter to me to have much effect on my life, and you have to have influence with those that do matter to me to be able to use them to make waves in my little pond....so, I am staying in my own little pond and want that man to go play in his pond and realize, accept that he and he alone is accountable for what he said, did and the results it had in our relationship..that never really got started before it was done in by his financial issues and his lies about financial issues.