Cousin Envy

     I don't have a lot of family or relatives and the ones I do have and stay in contact are very important to me.  And I watched my aunt's children grow up and marry, and really like them.  They have had far more stable lives and made better choices than my siblings and I have, at least, what I have seen.

     1 of my cousins is just very awesome, she had to overcome hip problems when she was a baby and spinal problems that had her in a huge, ugly brace through most of her high school years.  And she married a local guy, 1 I went to school with, from a solid ranching family.  And that has been a good marriage, 3 adult kids that turned out pretty well, and a happy life.

     My aunt made some crappy choices when she was young but she got her head sorted out and her life on track, met and married an awesome man who wanted to be the Dad to the 3 children she brought with her to that marriage.  They have grown old together, and made their life work well, and showed their kids how to make marriage work.

    So, now here is my cousin, the ranch wife, with the long term husband, making plans for a vacation to Yellowstone.  I have been there, both to their ranch and Yellowstone.  And I have envy issues this week, oh, not so much that great house or ranch, or that awesome way of life.  Not even really that vacation to Yellowstone.  I envy that marriage, that still together, still really like each other, not just love, but like and accept each other, see each other's faults and have been living with the faults and the pluses and want to keep doing that growing old together stuff.

      I didn't make the right choices, made a mess of my life several times, didn't give my kids the good foundation my aunt gave her kids, my cousin and husband have given their kids, and I know I can't change that.  No going back and doing a 'rewrite' on life, but I have come to terms with me, my choices, worked through some head problems and make better choices now.

     But my life is solitary, no one to grow old with, no one who really knows me, all the years of my life, or most of them.  Not even my adult kids know me well, so ya, I am really private and solitary, far more than people realize.

     And my cousin has solid, church attending religious beliefs, I have solid beliefs, but they follow no church and they have me walking a solitary life.  Most of the time I am very ok with that, and I really do like my life, now, and the person I have grown into.

     No, I don't want to trade lives, no, I don't want to be my cousin, it's just a twinge of cousin envy, and it's ok that I look at her and her life and am so very glad she has that husband, and life, her family and friends and I really hope they have a great vacation as I know they have worked hard and earned a holiday.

     I have a week of paid vacation time coming up this month, old house chores that need done, and taking the Vespa to St. Louis for the first oil change.  I work at that meat packing plant so have stuff my cousin doesn't, like affordable health insurance, paid vacation time, money to spend on yarns, fabrics, dolls and motorcycles.  My cousin doesn't want the motorcycles, really doesn't collect dolls and isn't into yarns but she sews and quilts and does awesome work with fabrics.

     My cousin has had high colesteral for years and has some weight issues, her doctor would like to see her drop at least 25 pounds, so that's something I don't have and sure don't envy.  And I have been known to do awesome things with both fabrics and yarns and I like those bikes and dolls, so that works really well for me.

     And I have financial stability that does not depend on someone else, so that has to matter, if her husband died, I don't know if her life would stay as good and stable, it's always been a family ranch and I don't know what that situation is and it's not my business.  But I do know she's not been employed much and so has not paid into that Social Security system any amount, so she could see draw on her husband's but I don't know if she has much built up on her own account.  I also have a pension locked that I can start drawing in just under 5 years, from a prior meat packing plant, and a 401K growing, good credit in my own name, and the house is in my name, it's my mortgage.  

     Those vehicles and the Rebel are mine, no liens against them and I have 35 more payments on the new Vespa, unless I pay it off early and I probably will.  So, ya, I have that stuff, credit cards and the worldly goods that my wages have bought me.  So, I am doing ok and no one makes the decisions in my life or how my paycheck gets spent.  Bills first here and then groceries, then if anything is left, those extra things, which includes meals out.

       And I really like being single, and don't even want to date, don't have a lot of time, seems I am busy or I have things I want to do with my time and my life and I don't want to share, not the time, not the house, not the rides, and not the paychecks.  So, really good reasons to stay single, to not date and so, despite a twinge of cousin envy, my life is working pretty good.  And I don't want her vacation or house or husband, think I have sorted out that envy and am ok with the fact that I have/had a bit of cousin envy.