Spring and riding season has started!

 

     But so far I have not gotten much riding done, I am getting a bit more confident with that vintage scooter I won last year down in St. Louis at the Missouri Loves Company rally, and the LXV has a new spark plug and a fuel problem.  I am hoping a bit of Heat has that resolved but need a bit of warmer weather to run it some and find out.
      The furnace is down, son Ben thinks we need to research and see if we can fix it ourselves and since I can make do without it for right now and there is a good chance it’s a part we can buy and install ourselves, I am good with that idea.  Those rides of mine are eating up money as fast as they can get it.  Both the LXV and the GTS get valve clearance adjustment this spring, I have the needed valve cover gaskets, GTS is still in the bike shed but the battery is in and I have started it.  I need to pop off that valve cover and get out those gauges and check that ‘valve lash’ stuff and adjust if and as needed.  Once the GTS is done, it can come out and the LXV can go in so I can have ‘shop’ area to keep things clean when I pull that valve cover off to do the same sort of adjustment stuff.
     The vintage Vespa has gotten new correct mirrors, a replacement rear bumper, a proper tail light and center stand.  I need to chase down the horn problem and see if the turn signals and I can come to an agreement.  I want to replace the smoked gray lenses with the proper orange ones, partly because I feel that they will be more noticeable and maybe make me and that little scooter a bit safer out on the roads.
     Work is still going ok, still like going to work every day, changing jobs in plant has been a good change for me, I’ve been on the ‘crown and flush’ job over a year now and am still glad to go to work, that is a big and very nice change from when I was boxing stomachs.
     And I’ve changed cars and banks, so am settling into those changes still.  Like the car much better than I did the Mitsubishi, but it was and is a good car with great MPG which is important to me.  I dropped mpg but not much and added a LOT to the credit debt with the car change but I really like the new car, same year and about the same miles, Hyundai and extended that bumper to bumper warranty so that works for me.  
     I gained a 6 speed manual tranny, and blue exterior, more leg room for me and a hatch back which I really like, and it came with some perks and ‘goodies’ so I still have fog lights but gained a back up camera, neat feature and it’s computer smart and already knows my cellphone, when I turn on the Bluetooth.  I already bought a cover and today ordered the window vents so I can put the windows down a tiny bit and not let much in but airflow.  I will be making seat covers for both the back seating and for the front seats but did move the steering wheel cover and seat covers from the Mirage.  And I have a car I can recognize so don’t need stickers/decals or other ‘things’ on it to identify it.  That is a nice change too and I like driving it.
     I am still ‘rocking’ this single in my 60’s stuff, and when I think over all the years it took me to get to where I am and who I am, I’m good with me.  No man has ever provided for me as well as I have for myself, nor have they given me the stability that I have provided for myself.  I no longer have anyone pushing me to be what they want but get to be who I am, I really like that.
     It has been a long and hard road with a lot of bad/poor/stupid choices but that is really the past and actually the Long past.  And none of it can be changed so I have, for the most part, come to terms with all of it and moved on.

Crazy things old women do!

      On Friday, March 29 I had an S. V. (single vacation) Day and took the Mitsubishi down to St.Louis for a service appointment and did some shopping and visiting and had a really good day away from home.  Of course it rained all the way down Thursday night and started raining Friday afternoon as I was leaving the city.
     Saturday started wet and gray and didn't change all day, but I texted pal Jaime to see if he wanted to run to Jacksonville to look at flooring for his kitchen project he has plans for this year.  Instead, about 1 p.m. I picked him up and we headed to Springfield to play, and started at World of Powersports, food was the next stop and the we headed, in my car, with me driving (this is part of where you start wondering just what crazy thing I am going to end up doing) to cruise the car lots, yes, in the rain, so Jaime can indulge in his favorite hobby, drooling over cars. 
     I drive very slowly through lots, stopping often, Jaime get out and looks, might even talk to salesmen and I knit when I am parked and waiting for him.
    Of course it was late afternoon when we headed towards home, but first to Thorntons for gas and for Jaime to get a drink and snack.  The last stop of the day was Green's warehouse indoor car sale, on the last day, late in the day.  It should have been a very safe place for him to drool and me to knit a bit.
    And yes, Jaime found something he thought he might want to trade his 'bought new, hasn't had long' car for and got busy with salesman and their financial guy which left me with no 'sitter' to keep me from wandering about with knitting in hand, a sock for son Ben, and yes, I do look at cars and knit as I walk around inside. 
     So, I have (had) a very good, more warranty than payments, very good MPG economy car that I bought December 2017, in fact, Jaime went with me to Columbia MO to see that car and to drive my Neon home.  I did sell the Neon a couple days later to a guy I know at the plant.
       And it is a good, solid car that I got for about $2,000 below book, so a very good buy.  I don't like the color but the gas mileage is really good and I tossed a cover over it when riding season started it and rarely drove it last summer.   But when I went to see it I thought I was going over for something with a standard transmission, my preference and what the car was listed as.
      So, I'm knitting and wandering around and find 2 blue cars tucked into a corner, Hyundai, which I had that Accent and loved it, until some jerk in a hurry leaving the plant parking lot managed to total my car!  Pretty cars so I have to look at the first 1, black interior, 2016 and automatic, and then look at the other 1, red interior, ok, so that's interesting' and fog lights, I have those on the Mitsubishi and like them.  And Wow, it is standard, 2017 and a Veloster, which struck me as what would happen if a Tiberon and an Accent had unprotected sex.   When I bought that Accent, back in 2000, I had wanted the Tiberon, but bought the practical economy car, the Accent instead. 
      I was amazed how long it took me to corner a salesman but I finally did and talked him out the door to look at what I was driving, Yes, I did tell him that, come see what I am driving and then we can go look at what I want to be driving. . . . .I had it service (and paid for that) the day before, and had not 2 miles away, filled the gas tank. .  See, I told you, crazy old woman!   
      I did take it for a test drive, and the salesman went with me and put $20 worth of gas in it, and took it back and Jaime and I started removing My stuff from that black car I was trading in on that blue ride!   And the paperwork got done, I downgraded in mpg and upgraded ( a long upgrade) in debt load and now have a car that has 6 speed transmission and a clutch (and a LOT of payments) a color I love, more driver's leg room, a very good warranty, a local (Springfield) dealership with a very good reputation, I had taken my Accent there after moving here.   And free oil changes and car washes and it's very, very sporty , like the speedometer goes to 160 mph, and is hatchback, which I really like.  It's a subcompact so a bit bigger than the Mitsubishi Mirage and far more fun to drive!
     As I told the finance guy doing all that paperwork, very late Saturday afternoon (ok, early evening) that I had never traded in a car, much less 1 that I was still making payments on, that I have never bought a car without doing a lot of research before making a decision but  loved the color, liked the gear shift and was buying that blue car.
     It will make a tight budget for a month or so, which means I quit wasting $$ on things I don't need like more dolls, more fabrics, more books and work some overtime when it's available.  But I can afford the car, I really like the car and it's mine now!  And I will drive people crazy on the road with a very sporty, fast looking car that I put on cruise control once I reach speed limit.  I can't afford tickets and the car, and I don't need to be going much over that posted speed limit, it does not matter how fast that car will go, I do not have to try and fly down the highways around here just because I have a car that can actually go way too fast to be safe.

Purple Toe Syndrome

       That sounds far more entertaining that the reality is.  What it is: a symptom of some problem, circulation to extremities slows, causing the platelets to start sticking together, forming bruising and blood clots.  It is unusual and the first questions are if you are grossly overweight, diabetic or have been on warfarin for an extended period of time, like several years and are elderly and usually male.
        Since it's easy for the crew at SIU Dermatology to see that I am not overweight, and I am not diabetic, and have never been on warfarin, we look for other causes, lupus, rare genetically linked diseases, and the blood work was done last week and they will call with results and everything goes to my primary care doctor here in town, who also got a hand carried hard copy of the lab work ordered.  I have NO clue what the tests are, but knew he would.
        If all are negative there is 1 more blood test to run, but all are for very rare, very uncommon diseases and there is NO cure for them.  Lupus is an autoimmune disease, but mine has never flared much and I've probably had it for 30+ years.  That genetic stuff is where I have NO idea of what or who or when, and my doctor says that is very normal, especially with diseases that show up so very rarely.
     For now, it's more water and aspirin every day to help reduce the chance of a blood clot causing problems.  I see him again the 14th and he expects to have the results of the lab work SIU had done.  And we hope we have answers and can start a plan of action to help keep me as healthy as possible.
      In the meantime, I have fabric coming from Farmhouse fabrics, for doll sewing and I have 4 doll dresses to do the hand smocking on, socks going for Ben, a full time job at JBS, 3 Vespa scooters wanting time, money and work before riding season and a very tight budget because I have been very careless with my spending and with credit.
     But the tax returns are filed and accepted so in time, and we have NO idea this year what that 'time' thing will be, but I will have both state and federal to help fix some of my financial 'be stupid' stuff.  And since my refunds are nice sized, I went into h.r. at the plant and filled out the form to reduce the amount extra I have held out on both federal and state so in a week or 2, or once they get it done right, I will have $17 more every week in the paycheck.
     And after finishing David Weber's newest Safehold book and griping and whining, I am starting the whole series over, he will Not have the next book in this series available for pre-order for months and I expect a January 2020 release date.  I did tell Jake, when he was trying to reason with me that I need those books to entertain me while I knit his socks, that his getting socks depends on my having some really good and entertaining reading  while I knit.
     We had some really cold weather and snow, now we have rain, in fact just a few minutes ago the skies opened up and it dumped a lot of water or so the roof sounded.  But I am tucked in my studio in my warm and dry house and  despite stupid health issues, a very tight budget, cold and wet and tired of winter gripes, life here is doing ok.   

Middle of December?

     Riding season went far too fast, fall flew by and winter is starting to feel long and cold.  But I still have the entire house to myself, at least as far as human inhabitants go.  And for the most part, I really like it.  The entire attic space is mine!  My looms and weaving are in the south end right now, and need more attention and the sewing is several works in progress in the north end.
     The job change in plant has me coming home with more energy and less pain so I’m getting a bit done on some project almost every day and I’m happier.  I will not claim the house is any cleaner but it’s quieter and that works well for me.
     We are seeing a little more overtime this fall than we had last year, and I am enjoying that.  Bills paid on time or early, extra paid on credit debt and some play money.  Right now sewing seems to get that money, and I have a wish list for this coming paycheck.
     Jake calls, he’s settling in well and he and his dad have a ‘tiny house’ now.  An old school bus that someone else started as a mobile tiny house and Jake and Sam now are living in and working on.  And enjoying being up in the high country Colorado.
     Ben is still at the truck wash, has a gal pal living with him and is working on the old truck, right now it’s a fuel pump problem.  He seems to be doing well and staying self supporting which really matters to his mother.
     I am working on some ‘head’ issues now and then, old memories, old choices, things I cannot change, and others whose choices were not my doing and I’m not willing to accept any guilt for their bad results.  There are no ‘do overs’ in life, and no parent makes all the right choices and does everything ‘right’ all the time.
     I do care about all 4 of the children I gave birth to, and want them to have lives they like and that work for them.  What they have done for years is their decisions and their choices and their roads to walk.  I accept that and have learned to live with the distance between myself and the older 2.  They have the right to have no relationship with me, and I am ok with that, it’s not my choice but I can live with it and make my life work.
     I spent last week sad, walking through memories of 40+ years ago, and my life then, my daughter then.  A blonde haired, brown eyed baby Sasha baby doll, a hard fall, a long way from family and no friends, loss of a planned pregnancy, the loss of my much loved grandpa, a very rocky marriage and sewing for a doll shop, sewing for a Christmas gift for that child who turned 4 that Thanksgiving.  My bright spot in my life was my daughter, she was my world and everything I did was to give her the best possible life I could.  I made some really not workable choices, not her fault and not really mine, too young, too far from solid good advice, too much of the wrong advice, too afraid to stand my own ground, to stand up for myself.
     I can’t change that, and I will send this EBay bought doll on to raise funds for either the Sasha conventions or for UFDC, once she has a nice wardrobe and I’ve gotten through the sad and blues days.   And my sewing and creativity is again bringing me joy and happiness, small things, small dolls and my skills and ability, and having a really great work space.

October's almost gone, time is getting away from me.

     But I did have a great summer, and an awesome time at Michigan Fiber Festival, 4 days of camping, 3 days of classes, time with people who share some of my interests and understand that knitting and yarns and all the other stuff.  And I went alone, which made the whole time even better.
     I did ride this summer, but admit most of the long rides were on the bigger GTS, but the LXV was my 'to work' and local errands transportation, even on damp days.  And that scooter is almost paid for.  I don't regret buying that Vespa for my 60'th birthday, and I sure don't have any regrets about buying the GTS either.
     The scooter rally this fall in St. Louis was really fun, once again I played hard all over St. Louis and the GTS was great to have on the faster roads.  And I won the rally raffle prize so now also own a China Blue 1978 Vespa P 125x, which runs and I love.  I was absolutely amazed, shocked and thrilled.  And she's now wintering in my living room.
  She needs some things, like the side kickstand replaced with a proper center stand, the kick start lever bent back out some, leaning to the left means kick staring pushes that lever into the scoot instead of straight down.  The tail light needs changed out, the current 1 came from a Harley and it's mounted upside down, which means there is No light on the plate, which means it's in violation of laws in this state.  I also want a back rack so I can pack something.  There is no storage space under that seat. but it does have separate gas and oil tanks, and it's a 2 cycle engine.
     I like the job change I made last March, it works well for me and I'm happier and hurt less.  A change of area supervisors has been a nice improvement in my little work world too.  So, since I need to work, it's nice to like going to work once again, after a couple years of not being happy to go to work and to deal with who I had to work with and our not very good supervisor, this is such a huge improvement in my work days.
     And I still love living alone, Shadow still annoys me but I keep taking care of him and keeping him fed and watered.  Ben's still working at the truck wash and has a gal pal who has moved in with him. . . .  I don't actually dislike her, but I don't feel she has much brains or willingness to be self responsible and despite being 42, and 2 sons, 1 adult and 1 in his last year of high school, she's not been employed for years.  But she is putting in job applications.
     I've decided I am 'rocking that single senior woman life' and it's working very well for me.  My finances are stable, my credit rating is very good, my debt load is going down and I am happy most of the time.  I like me, and I am standing up for myself, when I need to. 
     We are seeing some overtime, my budget loves that and I don't mind working Saturdays.  But we are supposed to  be off this coming Saturday and I have hopes of going up to Bloomington and attending an estate auction.
   

Counting down to Vacation

     Right now work has some issues, maintenance issues at the front end had us standing around way too much today, we had some product, and a gap and then a bit more and another gap and the day drug on until after 2:30.  We will be working Saturday, and I am not complaining, I can sure use the $$.
     I did get out and set up the little tent Jake gave me, and there is no way I can take it to Michigan Fiber Festival and camp 4 nights in that tent.  It cannot be fastened down to the ground well enough to be secure in any amount of wind and it will not be dry if there is any rain.  So, I ordered a better 1 that should be here early next week.  I will also pick up seam coating stuff and some water proof spray so I can treat all the seams and the cover here, once it comes.  I do not want to be soaked or have my stuff soaked, and there is no weather control.
     That standing around give my brain too much time to wander around, and it has been dragging out some of the trash from the past, yes, I need to sort our and 'clean out' some of that, there is no changing the past or mistakes and poor choices I made in the past, I have grown a lot and changed a lot, I am not the same woman I was at 21 or 25 or even 45.
     I might create silly day dreams but I am firmly rooted in the real world and know who I am and what I want and need in my life.  I don't need or want a romantic or intimate relationship with anyone, I don't want a companion, a live in or a man to complicate my life and my enjoying my life.
     It is my life now and my time and my chance to do things I have wanted to do most of my life, to go when I want to go and where I want to go.  The new tent will easily pack on the GTS that I recently bought and we can go camping where I want to camp, just me and the scoot, I can run the roads I want to run, see the places I want to see on my own time schedule.
     Living alone here once again is working, some adjusting and some issues, like pet care when I am going to be gone very long/overnight but I will work on that, Ben is still living close and I have a pal or 2 I can trust with a key to the house.
     Finances are snug right now but the paychecks are improving, and that will help the finances.  All my medical bills are paid off right now, Lowes is paid off, Bergners has closed their credit accounts so that 1 was paid off and is now also closed. 
     I have changed my car insurance from Progressive to Geico and that should same me some $ also.  I will also change the bike insurance but not this week, juggling money some right now, have a lot that has to be paid in the next couple weeks, and that I want paid before I head off on vacation.
     It's been 12 years since I went to Michigan Fiber Festival, and that time I took angry, unhappy, pregnant Cami with me, 14, and in the middle of a huge family conflict, she needed away before her parents could abuse her more than they had.  My daughter has not yet made peace with me for standing up for Cami's right to make the decisions about the pregnancy.  Her mother knew she was having sex with a 28 year old man that Stormy worked with and didn't care, but was going to force Cami to terminate the pregnancy because of the problems it made in Stormy's life. 
     That is not a decision that others should make for a woman, regardless of age.  She is the 1 who has to live, the rest of her life with that decision, push counseling, push thinking about what your life will be like 5 years from now, 10 years from now, but let that woman make her own choice for the reasons she believe are right for her. 
    For most of my life I had let others make my choices for me, and did what they wanted me to, tried to be the person they thought I should be. And I still have some anger issue about that but you can't reason with the dead, you can't change the dead and the only thing you can do is look at all the reasons why they might have made those choices, why they did what they did, learn from it and move on. 
     So, the first and so far, only trip to Michigan Fiber Festival had some kid issues, but I really enjoyed it and this time I am going alone- ok, so not quite alone, I'm taking a 12" doll for company, she will not take up space, won't eat anything, won't complain, and I might have some fun with photo ops.  I need to dig out some patterns her size and make her a few things, if they are not finished, 1 can finish them up at Allegan.

Work, weekends and vacation time.

     Work is ok, longer days which means a few more $ in the paycheck, which sure helps, I'm running a very tight budget, my own not being careful enough with spending and buying the GTS is a huge part of that.   But I refuse to have regrets and I did sell the Rebel and paid down credit debt with most of the $.
      Last weekend I got pal Kim to go with me to play in St. Louis, she needed a go play break, she's an only child and now dealing with aging issues for her parents, her mom requires far more care and supervision than Dad can provide and is now residing in a nursing home, doesn't know Kim or her husband when they visit.  Kim and her parents are very close, and this is so hard for her.  Watching and dealing with a much loved mother dying by inches is hell.
     And my vacation in August is coming, I am working on getting my act together as I am going to Michigan Fiber Festival, taking 3 classes there and going alone!  I had talked with pal Larry about going and he really wants to but I don't feel his health is up to the travel and possible weather conditions and I am NOT going to spend my hard earned vacation dealing with some one else's health issues, or worrying about them. 
     And I like my own company, don't want to spend that much time with him and do not want to deal with sleeping arrangements and having him wanting to maul and play with my body.  I don't have any desire to get sexually aroused and do not appreciate a damn incapable of the act man trying to stir my body.  It just makes me screaming mad, his desires and wants in that line are not acceptable for me.
     I would love to be able to pack up and take the GTS but know I can't afford the costs of a pull trailer that the scoot could haul, the hitch, the wiring work for the lights and the cost of title and plates for a blasted little go behind trailer for my scoot.  So, maybe I will work on seeing if I can accomplish that for next summer and be glad my little car gets great gas and will have enough room for everything I need/want for my little camping trip and classes up in Michigan.
    And I don't know what I am doing with this coming weekend, but running the GTS is probably very high on that list of what I will do. 

Making progress, at least with a few things

     I did get the Rebel sold, and paid down debt on buying the GTS, which is a great ride and a very good buy.  I do have a cover and the USB outlet ordered, and Ben will help me get it installed.  And since it's bigger and heavier, I am finally working with improving the grading from the street to the bike patio to get better drainage and make it easier for me to move the GTS in and out.
    And I am working on that family tree, I seem to 'hang dead bodies' on it every time I am working on it, it's expanding in some interesting directions, like the cousins and distant cousins and their spouses, which are actually not in my bloodline, but their children, would be.  So, I think that private in the Confederate Army is not a blood uncle xx times removed but the husband of that xx times aunt..  But I am slowly gaining on the tree stuff.
     Jake is now back in Colorado to live, Jaime is settling in to having his place to himself and likes it, Ben is now living on the other side of the tracks, so he's a few blocks away but it takes a round about trip to get to the house he's living in.  And I am happily adjusting to living here with just the dog and parrots for company.
    Work is going ok, shorter hours and the change of jobs in plant is helping me have less pain and hurt less, all very positive things in my small and silly little life.
     Temps are warm to hot, and the past few days have not cooled much at night.  I am still keeping the thermostat set at 78 for the air conditioning, upstairs is not very comfortable unless temps drop and I can get some cooler air coming in the windows but I'm not up there much, just not much time to sew or hang out up there.
    It's a quiet life here, I like being single, bills get paid, there's food in the house, I have peace of mind and like myself and what I am doing with my life.  I do think about what it might have been if this or that relationship had worked differently and thank God for not letting me end up with those disasters.  I count being single as a very huge blessing.

Changing Rides

     I will have to get some photos here but after 5 great years with my Rebel I now have that bike up for sale.  I didn't expect to be selling it for another year or 2 but a friend found me a really great buy on a Vespa GTS 300ie Super, dressed out and with very low miles.  I now have that bigger scooter, my LXV which I love and ride to work and all over and will not part with and have run out of bike parking space on my small bike patio.
     Work is ok, I did make a job change to a job that is less physically demanding with the same pay and better co-workers so that has improved my work attitude and lowered my stress issues.  And I don't hurt as much and am doing more at home after work, which is really great.
     Ben has moved out, he's working the local truck wash and seems to be making his life work better.  And Jake is on his way back to Colorado to live there, he helped his dad move back there earlier this month and came back here to get his Army Reserve stuff moved to Colorado, and pack up his things and say good bye.  I do hope it works for him and his good pal Darcy is  driving/riding out with him and will be flying back, a bit of vacation for her and she 'inherits' his house key and becomes my 'other kid'. 
     The new/used Vespa is a big splurge right now, I had not expected to find a scooter this summer but have started looking as I notice my right foot is doing more sneaking away from that brake pedal on the Rebel and I'm doing more looking down to see where that foot is, not the safest thing to do while cruising along the road on a motorcycle, no matter how small the bike is.  I do think I am safe to run it this summer and maybe next but thought I would start looking for used scooters 250cc up to 400cc, I don't know what all is out there or prices so thought some advance shopping would help me make a better buying decision. 
     I did not expect someone to find me a 2009 Vespa GTS with only 234 original miles for a price I could afford, but people do crazy things, including spending probably around $10,000 on a Vespa and then not riding it any amount.  The couple divorced about a year after getting this scooter, the wife got this scooter and could not ride it...years later, it's up for sale and I know a great deal when I see it, or rather when a friend calls me to check on it.
     And it's time to get to bed, work tomorrow and I actually look forward to going to work again, that's a nice change after several years of boxing stomachs, hurting, and working with 2 jerks. 

Looking at things differently

     I'm looking at my life, at my past, at how I got to where I am both physically and mentally, emotionally and looking at where I want to be this time next year.  It has been a long and not always easy road but worth the living and a lot of lessons learned, some I needed to 'take the class' more than once to learn from.
     And I'm accepting that the way I 'see' things is not always the way others do, and what works for me doesn't for others.  I can do a bit of giving here and there but I'm finding there's not much stretch or  give left in me, or much compromise.
     I work a hard, occasionally physically demanding job in a meat packing plant, that is how I earn my living, that takes up a big chunk of my day, 5 days a week, and occasionally 6.  I do have a job that I like, co-workers I like working with and that helps but it's not my 'family' and it's not my life, it's what earns the money that pays for all that matters/
     There's this old house, the payments on the current and 3rd mortgage in my 13+ years of ownership, and pays for the work, the materials I put into the improvements and repairs.  There is the bills for heat, lights, cooling, water, trash, property taxes, that job earns the money that pays for those things too, and the food I eat, the clothing I wear, the food I feed my pets.  That paycheck buys my dolls, my yarns, my internet service and the devices I use to enjoy and use that internet.
     That paycheck pays my vehicle insurance and registrations, repairs and upkeep, and it make the payments on that Mitsubishi car and that Vespa scooter I ride and love so much.  But it's not my life, it's not my best friend and it's not my family. 
     And I'm not sure always about where I will give in or what I will give up to make a relationship work with anyone.  I don't want a man in my bed, not in my bed in this house.  That stage or want is past and this new space, or recovered space, with all the time and hard work I have put in, with the new bed, new mattress, new sheets, it's just mine, and I don't want anyone 'invading' this peaceful space I have created for me.
     And that camping stuff, I'm glad he's found a place he likes and has a permanent place for his camper, he owns the lot, is a member of that little club/organization up there, and likes the location.  I don't like it, it's like being in a small camper town, it's not being out and away from the humans and their 'stuff'.  There is no waking up and looking out a window to dawn slowly lighting up nature, at just what's natural and finding peace and balance.  It's looking out into a small, crowded, campers way too close for my comfort, way too peopled for my peace and balance. 
     I'm not sure what sort of balance and compromise I will make, but he does not see the person I am, not all of me and there's so much of me and of what matters to my heart that I keep close, that I don't share, that is not anything I will share.  Especially with someone who gossips and does not realize he's crossed privacy lines, so now I don't tell him much.  He can't talk about what he doesn't know.
     And I've had several years of very single me that I have gone where I wanted, when I could, at my pace, for my reasons and I don't have it in me to give much of that up.  It's warming up here, finally, a late spring and I have the Vespa out and will soon have my Rebel out and ready for the road.  And I am not willing to give up that riding, and that for me, means hours of riding, long and sometimes hard, pushing riding.  It feeds my soul, there's just no other way I can explain what that freedom means to me, and I will have it, will not let much be more important than my needs and some of my wants.
     I'm not a calm, restful person, I'm not going to become a couch potato, a tv watching, cuddling affectionate person.  And some bridges were damaged and I'm not willing to repair them on my end, he didn't see that he was damaging the foundations, he didn't respect my ownership or my rights or put himself in my shoes with his actions...he will get back some of my time but not much and no trust, and not very much give, there's just not much left in me.
     No, I'm not mad, no I'm not depressed but I am looking at the coming summer and the weekends and what really matters with my very valuable time and how I want to spend that time.  It's not something I can go buy more of, once that day is gone, I don't get it back, so yes, what I do with that off work time does really matter to me. 
     I want and need to do old house stuff, and yard stuff, and I have other 'stuff' that matters, like time to knit or sew or read and time to ride. I am not going to spend very much time in some little camper village, wishing I was home or elsewhere, that is just not going to be happening to this old woman, not this summer and not the ones that come after.
     

The office corner

     I still need to put together the stand/base/storage cubes for the printer, but most of the work is done.  I need a new power strip, will mount that on the wall in the corner, easy to turn on and off and plug stuff in.  And I want a new coffee cup warmer, even if I don't turn it on often, it gives me a fixed place for a cup or glass to sit.
     I could have added another coat of plaster and had a nicer looking job but I am so damn tired of plaster repairs, I've gone through over 60 pounds of dry plaster and have sanded/spilled/slopped far too much of that and I am still cleaning it up.
     We are finally seeing warmer weather, but reports for the weekend have us cold again.  I have a Doll Club event Saturday and Sunday am I will be signing up for my classes at Fiber Festival in Michigan. 
     And I've been eaten by scabies once again, yes, again, Jake's dog Thumper, he gets bathed here with something to kill them, Ben and I quit having a problem with them and then Jake is back, the dog is with him, and comes back to stay here and Ben and I deal with scabies once again.  I am going to end Thumper coming to stay.  I cannot afford to have open sores on my hands and lower arms, wrists, I am now working the upper bung job, which means I am flushing pig shit, full of all sorts of bacterial contamination out all day, a good way to end up with a serious problem with all the open sores, even with gloves, plastic sleeves and all that stuff.
     I am pleased with my bedroom, do like the color of the walls and trim, and like the progress I have made on this old house this winter.  It will be cleaner, warmer in the winter, cooler in the summer with more drafts shut out, and the room is comfortable.  I still have more leaning and putting away stuff but will do a little at a time.  It's sort and clean and decide what goes in the trash, what goes out to the shed, what goes up stairs and what belongs in here and where. 
     I will use the laptop a lot more now, and admit I am looking at new ones, despite the fact that this 1 has very little time being used since I bought it.  I think I just want to buy myself something and I sure don't need to add to my debt.  But I have been known to do some very stupid things with my credit and there are worse things I could get in debt for.  But I don't need a new laptop, I am just wanting something else....and it would come with Windows 10, which is part of my 'hate' issue with this one. 
     Time to clean me up and get to bed.

Never get caught up here

,      I just found I never posted what I had written in early December 2017, so it's up now and I still like the little black car but will be glad when it's sitting under a cover and I'm running bikes again.  It's a 'warm weather' thing, and today we have had rains, cold winds and more rain.
     But I am finally back in the downstairs, only 'real' bedroom this old house has, and I like the pale pistachio color I am painting the walls and the hedgerow olive I'm doing the trim and shelves in works great for accent.  The gap from the old brick chimney is this week end's project, and it's closed up, the new power outlet for my office corner is in and wired and working, and I will be working on that plaster work in this corner for a while.  Every day, another coat to build out and fill in, and sand as needed, but I have slowed down the drafts from the huge gap I started with this morning and I've lived with that all winter.
     Larry Lung invited me over for movies and cuddling but I decided home, a shower and quiet night in my own space works better for my old and hurting body.  He's living in the home he's lived in for years, and is retired, I'm still living in a renovation project, still working and still don't have enough time to get everything done on that 'to do' list I keep trying to get done.  But the shelves are up in the bedroom, so all that stuff I packed away to redo and repair this room can start going on the shelves this weekend, the 'dirty work' is done, at least in this space.
     Work was crazy all week for me, trying to train on a new job, took weeks to even get the task/job duties paper signed and then I'm still boxing stomachs,flushing stomachs, inverting stomachs, boxing bungs, trading people out to get vacations scheduled, boxing bungs, and finished the week with being 'given' to the front end and washing pig mouths for the day.  It all pays, it's work and it pays my bills, and it will calm down, at least somewhat.
     Politics and the president seem to be a daily disaster, and it looks like a rolling disaster that is bent on doing all the damage he can, while he can, with the GOP aiding and abetting the crimes.  Oh, it will be something most of us will survive but I'm not sure how long it will take to repair the damage, to our country's reputation, to our economy, jobs, and to the planet.
     But, for this evening, the house is warm and dry, and there's plenty of food, the music playing is my choice, the peace and balance in my life is from my choices and my hard work, and tomorrow will see the laundry done, the wall corner get a bit more plaster added, the toys and treasures coming out of the plastic totes and those moved out of my way.  The sewing studio will get some attention, stuff moved back into that storage area I keep hoping to turn into the upstairs bathroom, and maybe even some sewing done.

December 3 and far deeper in debt.

     First, I’ve been running older vehicles, which have needed repair and have had me without a vehicle while work was being done, expensive work that I have then put on my credit cards and paid high interest on, Never getting it all paid off since that car accident January 14, 2010.
     I was seriously worried that I would not be able to go back to work ever or if I did, it would only be for a very short time, so I admit that I would not finance a replacement vehicle for the little red Mazda truck I lost in that wreck, and that I really did like.  And I had it less than a year, because April 1, 2009 some fool in a hurry to get to the bar before closing time had to try and crowd past me in our company parking lot, going out to the highway.  That stupidity on a young man’s part totaled out my Hyundai Accent, which I had bought new, had less than 10 years and less than 91,000 miles on it....
    The Neon was bought because the transmission went out on that old ‘94 Ford Ranger I bought after the accident and I had been putting work and money in that since I bought it...  Jake lent me his vehicle but it had problems and it didn’t take me very long to be on Craig’s List looking for a low cost car so I had my own transportation while my truck was down for a very, very expensive shop visit.
     I’ve had that Neon almost 2 years and have put close to $4,000 into it, including purchase price and I still would not be confident to take it across country or try to make a long trip with it.
     So, I went on line car shopping for a new or nearly new car I could look at owning and driving for the next 15 years or so.  And I used CarFax.com to do a lot of that looking, with a 200 mile radius from my zip code for a location range and went down manufacturers web sites to look at their economic car lines for models to look at.
     The hunt was not about or for what I ‘liked’ but for what was or would be the best long term purchase for my life and my needs.  And Saturday I got my friend Jaime to go with me to Columbia MO to look at, drive, and sign papers and bring home a 2017 Mitsubishi Mirage, under 6,000 miles, was able to extend that original 50,000 mile bumper-bumper warrenty to what will be over 94,000 miles of bumper to bumper warranty/just under 10 years.  A 5 year payment plan at 5.5% interest and yes, the car is black, inside and out.  The very last color I would choose IF what I wanted and liked was the top concern on my list.
    On the way home I was able to check my mpg, a nice technology perk on new cars, and the car was 38. something at it’s lowest and 46.something at it’s highest during the 125+ mile return trip to home, with speeds between 40 and 65 mph.  I can sure adjust to black, oven hot in the sun, shows all the dirt and every scratch for that gas economy and for that long and far less worry warranty stuff.
    I’ve named the car Mit, and refer to it as the new Boyfriend.  I’m hoping for a very long and stable relationship and I know I will be supporting ‘him’ and buying ‘him’ things, including non essential stuff, and I already have stated.  He’s under a car cover now, and that back seat has a protective cover already.  I have cutie butterflies for sun shades in the car and today while I was in Springfield I got sheepskin front seat covers I will put on this coming week, some ‘girley’ stickers/decals to put on the car (so I can recognize it easier), some tiny lights that have a power plug in for the cigarette lighter/power port.  The interior seems so very dark at night, I can’t find my coffee cup yet.  The 2 tiny lights will stick somewhere underneath so the front floorboard area has a tiny bit of lighting when I plug them in.    I’ve ordered those window ventilation strips, that will make it easier to leave a window open a tiny bit, very necessary when it’s warmer or hot and prevent rain from getting in.
   And my hands get a sheepskin steering wheel cover, I’ve found those are the most comfortable for my hands year round and so are worth the cost to me.  The car came with new, never out of the package all weather floor mats for both the front and back, Jaime and I installed them while paperwork was getting prepared for me.  I called and got the insurance work done and paid for while I was also waiting on paperwork and then called today to give them the lender information.
     I should be getting a packet in the mail from the dealership with the 2nd key, hopefully the owners manual and the needed paperwork to get it registered and pay the sales taxes here, it has a 30 day tag on it now and I will run the Neon, which is up for sale already.
      I’m now carrying more debt than I am comfortable with, but I am also paying down some of that high interest credit debt, but will keeep funds in checking until after the taxes and registration is paid for, then pay down more high interest dddebt

Winter blues and it's not even Thanksgiving yet!

     I had a really great summer, did a lot of riding, both on the Rebel and the Vespa, even went to a scooter rally and had an awesome 3 days down in St. Louis, playing and learning my way around.  So, I have no valid reason to gripe, it's not even really bad weather yet.
     I have a warm and dry house, a job that pays me enough to live on, plenty of fabrics and yarns to play with and all the needed tools for that play and then some.  So, I can sew and knit and enjoy my studio, my tech devices allow me access to the world and communications with others with similar interests and hobbies.
     There is food in the house, the parrots are being quiet, the dog is being good, at least right now and I am reasonably healthy, all my normal aches and pains are being reasonable, so I do realize just how fortunate I am.  But, I am not getting things done that I should be, a baby dress to finish up, before Alice outgrows it, tabi sock I am working on an working up the pattern and I need to get some work done on them, I am not happy with them and am already figuring out tweaks to my pattern, but I want at least part of the foot of each done before I start another pair and tweak that pattern some...toe area shaping ideas that will possibly improve the fit and the look...
     I have a doll dress cut out, still need to cut the bodice lining and then get busy sewing it, but I don't seem to get much done after work.  And I should be doing notes an research for the doll club talk I am giving this next meeting, which will be here very soon and I am not very ready.
     Finances are tight, and that's all my doing, I use credit when I should just NOT buy the non-essential 'goodie' that I am wanting, and I know that.  Some of the credit debt is from auto repairs, and that was needed at the time but very costly and not getting paid down or off very fast.  But the doll/yarn/tech debt stuff is absolutely me being very self-indulgent and I need to do far less of that and far more paying down debt and keeping a tight rein on my bad spending habits.
     It's late, I need to eat and get to sleep, 4:30 am comes very early and I actually do work hard at that job I have, that earns the money I spend on everything, from house payment to occasional candy and chips.   I need to count those blessings and appreciate more what a really good life I have and do a lot less grousing and grumping.

Damn thief at Work

.    That orange, short steel came from the prior employer, this plant has never stocked/used/had that color/size/type of sharpening steel--so whoever stole it today, after I moved from the bung table to get boxes for stomachs or to help finish packing the last of stomach production, took a very easy to identify piece of MY personal work equipment--getting caught with it could end their employment at the plant.  I was screaming mad when I was done and went to get my scissors guard and steel and found the steel, which was attached to that scissors guard, gone.  I reported and make sure 3 different 2nd shift kill/harvest supervisors were aware of what it was, how to identify it and who it belongs to, where it was stolen from and also the 2nd shift supply person, in case it gets turned in to them.
       We are short a lot of people, vacation, medical  and call in, so it was a long 11 hour day for me, my usual set up work, then to bung table to work there all day, then back to stomachs to help them finish up.  And the ex-husband's cousin had to keep telling me I was lying about taking the Rebel Saturday and going to St. Louis.  Stupid ass, there's no reason for me to lie about that, yes, I did run down there, breakfast at McDonalds, it was 47 degrees when I went to McDonalds and not up to 50 when I headed south out of town, past 'Dosh and down the old road, through Bluffs and a right turn to head west, over the drawbridge on the Missouri and through Detroit and then Pittsfield and over the Mississippi River and into Louisiana MO, head south on 79 and get gas, pout as the bridge out of town is being replaced, NO traffic allowed through, back to 54 and detoured to Bowling Green, county roads back to 79 and on south.   Gas again just before 79 blends into I70, east this time and watch for crazy cars, big trucks and the sign for 270 south, and down, Off at Page Street and hunt for the hotel I am booked at for the Missouri Loves Company scooter Rally in less than 2 weeks.  Found that and also found a sigh that read "caution, duck crossing".  And learned that a few blocks east on Page Ave I would find Waffle House. That solved my breakfast early worry, so off to find state highway 100, and Flying Tiger Motorcycle, our rally meet up/sign up location.  From there back west on 100/Manchester to Steak N Shake, which had free wi-fi, our up in this neck of the world do not.
Then to go find Knitorious and see what they have, drool, drool..came out with a beautiful skein of Ancient Arts sock yarn in a amazing brown--and generally don't buy brown yarns/fabrics/clothes.
Easy directions, just follow the same street I came down the other direction, it changes names and it would take me to I64, and gee, there is the Ikea store, I do know where I am!
On I64 east and over the river, turn off for state highway 3, the old road up along the river, and from 1 old road to another and on.  Gas again in Grafton and put the liner back in my summer jacket.  And head north on roads I know and love running.
    Gone about 11 hours, over 330 miles, about 4 gallons of gas, temps from 46 to over 80 and then coming back down to just above 70.  Hours of time alone, of feeling free, winding roads, sun and shadow, trees and old buildings, seeing part of the older St. Louis, just me, my ride and my peace and balance.   No, I don't lie about that, both bikes and my car were here at 8 am, and again were all here about 8:30 pm. But that little silver Rebel was long gone by 9 am, me and the Rebel and the road.
    I now can find that Red Roof in the night, and know where I can get breakfast at 4 or 5 am, I can find the Rally meet up location and feel that I will be safe alone at that hotel.  That was the reason for the trip, my stay is booked but I have time to change it if I was not comfortable with the hotel or the ride from there to the Rally meet up.
      And I don't lie about buying very expensive resin dolls or high priced yarns, I don't have to.  I pay my own bills, earn my own living and have been single for over 12 years now.  I don't answer to my adult children or any one else.  My life is mine to live my way, and that includes long solitary rides on the Rebel or my Vespa.  And it was a really, really great day.

August already?

     And I have no idea what happened to most of July---- but that central brick chimney is finally removed and I have a vent installed into the studio, not a lot of cool air but some and enough to make it livable up there, or at leas so I can sleep better at night.
     But our heat wave is over, for now, nights are dropping into the 60's and I put the insulated liner in the rain liner for my summer bike jacket, thought this morning that would be a good idea.  And I need to sew 2 patches onto the heavier jacket before it's cool enough to need it.  1 is from the St. Louis Zoo, the other was part of my birthday gift from Ben, he got me 2 patches from Girl Genius, an on line comic we both follow, so now I have Oggie to watch my back and Agatha will go on the other jacket.
     I don't know where my after work time went tonight, it's almost 9 already and time for bed....

Need to clean out 'junk'

    So, today I a charging up several rather worthless cell phones so I can try and wipe them and then drop them off somewhere that takes such things, small things but there is no reason for them to litter my house, as they are now 3...
     And I am doing similar sorting and cleaning out as I come across things, either use or get rid of for some stuff, way past time to do some of that sort of clean up work.  I don't need a bigger house or more storage room, I need to better use what I have and some of that means getting rid of what I need to get rid of.
     It looks like a hot and dry summer, we are not watering much here, Ben is now working and pays the city utility bill and has no reason to want to pay for grass that we then need to mow more often, and I need to pay off a medical bill that isn't in the budget so that will eat up any extra money I might have thought I had.  And I have credit debt that I absolutely need to work down as fast as I can, that interest isn't helping me get more financially stable.
     It looks like I am getting my autoimmune issues and sciatica under better management for now, any progress is positive, and I am accepting that my body demands more rest if I want to be able to stay employed any length of time, and with the debt load and with the house needing the work and money that takes, I need to work as long as I can, every week, every month, every year more is important.
     The Vespa is waiting for a part, some under warranty work, once the part is in, I will take a Saturday to run down, early to St. Louis and get the work done, and take the major, faster roads down, not the old river roads I enjoy far more that take longer to get there.  But what matters is having the work done and getting the scooter to the shop as early on that Saturday morning as I can.
     Life here is good, not perfect but very livable, I am terribly unhappy with our political situations which will not be getting better very fast and with the serious financial problems this state is in, and the fact that the problems are NOT being dealt with, which means the debt load grows by leaps and bounds....makes Illinois a place to move away from, to not come visit and to not consider moving to, not good for the state, and not good for those of us left living here.
     Well, it's time to go check on my laundry drying in the sun, saves running the dryer and heating up the house, the attic has been getting warm, way too warm to suit the dog, LOL, but it's not as bad as it could be, and we are slowly improving the energy efficiency of this old house.
   

Secrets, lies, things taken to the grave...

     My mother's sister is still living, so the fact that my grandparents lied to her and to my mother about adopting my older sister, myself and my younger brother is a lie that they took to their graves, and that I am still keeping secret.   Telling her there never was any adoption, no custody papers were filed that I could find records of, not in Michigan, where I was born, not in Colorado, where I was raised.  

     And she never knew I have curvature of the spine, it's genetic, it's a born with thing, and my grandmother was a very competent nurse, who was certainly close at hand when I was born, and raised me, had to know--but I just found out this month--and I turn 61 next month...  Another secret..one that genetically is passed on, as recessive, at least in my 2 younger sons, and I sure never noticed any abnormalities in my older 2, and hope if there were any, I would have been informed.

     But people still hide abnormalities, lie about 'defects' in themselves or their mates and children...  And back when my grandmother was growing up, those thing were hidden away, and when I was growing up, well, she sure didn't want any of us kids labeled 'crippled' or handicapped...  

     And it's never been a real problem, yes, I have known my spine is'weird' down where the crack of my bum starts, it's always been that way, and some seats in cars are miserable, as they sit me so that my weight is on those damn out of line bones, and after looking at the highway pegs and my Rebel, I know those pegs would shift my weight enough to put pressure on those blasted bones..no highway pegs...would love a longer stretch for my longish legs but it has to be a downward stretch, not forward.

     And that damage to my right leg/foot has me shorter on that side--so that tilts my pelvis, ya, right about where that blasted spine has it's kink.  And those bones are the ones that take the jarring when my feet slip and I land hard on my ass...  which all probably contributed to the arthritis from there down I now get to enjoy and that is about where that lovely sciatic nerve branches out to go down the legs, oh, you can see where this is going.....

     Learning all I can, figuring how all the parts go together, and what I might be able to do to have less problems and less pain is the long term goal.  Being annoyed at the long dead for their secrets is just something I get to deal with, work my head through and then go on with making my life work my way.

     And since I have 2 weeks of vacation, and plenty to do, and some great weather and 2 awesome bikes to ride, an old house needing work and plans, I will not spend much time with what the dead knew and took to their graves or trying to figure out why I was never told.

Already the middle of May

     I don't know how time goes by so fast and I seem to get so little done.  I keep working and keep paying bills, but everything else seems to be on a 'to do' list that I don't have the energy or time to get to.  Maybe it will get better but I am not betting any money on it.
     I am battling with some autoimmune disease issues and chronic anemic problems, joint pain and always being tired.   The old house projects are so far behind schedule, the sewing and knitting never gets done and the house needs a lot of cleaning.  But I do manage to get laundry done and usually put away.
     Jake has finally graduated college, history for his major and is working on going on to Army officer training, He has worked hard these past 4 years, both to support himself and with his classes, and a very long drive back and forth for the past 2 years for those classes.  Now, he's moving towards the next steps in his life and his future.
     Ben is living here, takes care of  things that need done and takes care of me on the days I seem to need someone to make sure I eat or get to bed.  He doesn't seem to have a direction or drive to chase much for his life and his future.
     I don't know what my life will be in the future, but I know I will make the decisions and it will be what I need and want far more than what someone else wants.  I spent way too many years of my life living to suit and please someone else and being often treated badly for the effort.  So, now it's my funny little life, in my funny old house, working my labor job in a pork processing plant and being the person that works best for me.
     Now, I will post this and at least I have managed to get that done, along with a lot of updates to Windows...and the laundry.
     Another work week to start and get through, another city utility bill to get paid tomorrow after work, the small things that are parts of my normal little life.

That old house progress

     Well, I've owned this place now for 12.5 years, lived in this house for 12 years, worked the plant for 14 years and I might be working on this place all my life.  But I am seeing progress on the attic expansion, the north/studio area only needs some painter's caulk around where the floor and walls meet, work around the windows and then trim and woodwork installed.  I am putting trim up on the south/retreat side, and have my doll nook almost done, a bit more caulk to seal up the wall/floor joint, touch up the paint and add some trim will finish that area up.  

    Today I washed up the tins that I bagged up in MO in 2004 and stored here.  I have now put some on the shelf on the quilt rack, that was a yard sale buy last summer, it needed a bit of work, and I painted it white.  I will fold a quilt over the bar on it today...

    The entire month has been gray and wet, February was nicer but  we don't get to pick the weather, we just find ways to cope with it.   I had the Rebel out in Feb., and hope to see both bikes out now that it's finally April.   

     Last year my entire tax refund and some paycheck money bought my little shop building, so the bikes have a winter home and I have moved the wood shop equipment out there.  And it's become storage too, someday I might get it cleaned up and tidy.

     This year the tax refund has gone on bills and into this old house, the new mattress and day bed for my retreat, the new lights, the trim and such.  But it's been a god investment, I know I have a long way to go, the front porch is next, and siding and eaves on the dormer, then the downstairs bedroom.  I will get as much work done as I can, but not add a lot of debt load.  What I put on credit has to be paid off before I can go on to the next project or I have to have the money.

     But I keep thinking I have a really good life and that's important