The Black days I don't write about

This is when I admit to black days I don't write about, to days I want to curl up in bed and cry all day. To the times I want to throw things and watch them break and shatter. I don't want to see those things in me but it's there, the anger and rage I don't know what to do with and know being distructive will not turn back the clock, will not change this accident and it sure won't help me deal with all the paperwork, push myself to walk when I hurt, get the dishes done.

I battle nightmares that make me dread going to bed, have me digging wildly through the quilts for the stuffed bears that share my bed, the 1 my mom made me when I was 16, the 1 sons Ben and Jake bought mom a few years back.

I won't have any rum or Jack Daniels in the house--because it would be too easy to have 'just a bit' to help me sleep' and get to were I was drinking more, and to where it was Every night, maybe during the day when I had a lot of stress.

I knit like I am possessed at times, trying to deal with the stress, trying as I work complex patterns in red wool, to work on untangling the thoughts and fears and worries rattling about in my brains. I knit socks for Jake so that I am not chewing my nails down to the nail beds and so that I am able to control just something in my life and so that I can make something work right.

I see so many people battling so much more, having to face a far harder life than mine and think I am a whiney whimpy crybaby brat. God has blessed me over and over, I know that, I live with that every day, even this big footed, acts like 'mom velcro' dog is a part of those blessings. I have my health, I had no serious head injuries or spinal injuries and that man at fault was insured with State Farm and they are being great to deal with.

So, I can't dance, I can still enjoy the music, so I can't ride my bike for hours, I can walk my wild dog to the park and watch him run, knowing he won't run too far. So, the feet don't match, gee, neither do my breasts and I'm sure not crying about that one. My friends are few and rock solid, my 2 youngest sons are amazing guys and light up my life, they also think they have a special and talented mom..and accept she is just a bit different.

The roof leaks, but it's my house and all over the world there are women who don't have a roof or who don't have the right to make their own decisions, live their own lives.

I might not have sheep and spin my own wool into yarn any more. But I've been able to do that, and I can design and knit what suits me, I can change and adjust a pattern to make a sweater that fits me better and is 1 of a kind.

Even when I am walking on the edge of that huge black pit, my friends are standing solid to pull me back onto safe ground. They call, they come over, they take me places. And they accept my bad days but won't let me wallow in that pit of self pity. They celebrate the little things that make a high spot in my days. And most of all, they believe I will pull through this and be 'ok' in time. Their belief in me gives me strength and courage when it's needed most.

I put this in a file and didn't post it right away, it and I needed some time to think and reflect and decide if I would post it. Today is a better day than when I started this post. The sun is out, Julie spent the day, the cinnamon bread turned out good--despite the forgotten cinnamon, despite the filling running like syrup. Julie took part home with her, and chilies from my garden for her husband.

The red Aran is growing, the neck is done, the shoulder straps knit up nicely, the first sleeve is over 8 inches long. All the remaining yarn is hand wound into balls and there will be enough to finish it. Ben tried it on and I took some photos, he's now making comments about it being his sweater but he's not serious-- I am hiding it from him once it's done.

Kid is growing, he's doing well, I am very glad that stray, unwanted pup, lost pup came into my life several months ago and really glad no owner called to claim him. He's not always good, he's getting taller and bigger and I do spoil him some but he loves me and makes sure I know I am important, very important to him.

Doctor appointment, appointment at State Farm, dental appointment here in town tomorrow, it will be a run hard day and start early. I hope to get that release to return to work, know it's time, and know it will be a rough few weeks to start out, and no knowing if my foot and ankle will tolerate the work load. So, I will do the best I can to do my job and to take care of my foot and ankle and see what happens.

I know I can make my life work and cope if I cannot do the job at Cargill, I know financially there will be State Farm to compensate me, and my whole existance, my whole idenity is NOT my employment and job..but my fears about that, are part of what is causing the nightmares about being lost.

1 day at a time, that is all God gives me to really deal with, to live, so that is how I will get through the next couple weeks, 1 day at a time, hard and painful days as I adjust to being back at work after so long off. But I will take care of me, of foot and of my job duties. And if my foot and ankle cannot tolerate the job, I won't be an idiot and try to force my body to do what it just can no longer do. I want to keep my job, want my life back to as close to what it was before this accident but I know some things I cannot change and I will find a way to adjust and accept and build my world again, just different.

Made it to the middle of the week

And the red Aran is getting neck shaping but I am doing it very slow. But it's making progress. The laundry is caugh up, the mowing still needs done. the dishes never stay done but that is normal.
I've been looking at house up for sale in this area on line but know it will be a while befoe I am buying or renovating here. Not much I can do except bounce some ideas around, look at places, look at furnature, bathroom stuff, kitchen stuff and think about what I want and what I really need long term.
It's time to get to bed, I'm tired and I'm discouraged. Accident recovery really stinks, especially when you know the man at fault didn't care about what he did that night, or who got hurt. It's a really good thing he's a dead man instead of alive where I could let him know how I feel about his decision to throw away his life and really mess up mine.
Think Kid and I need to go to bed, Julie is supposed to be over tomorrow, the new fabric is washed and in the dryer and it's time to get into bed and hope tomorrow I feel more cheerful about life...

Arans

I remember watching my mother knit Aran sweaters, natural, cream colored wool, complex patterns, always for pay, except 1 jumper she knit for my sister Roberta. From her face you could tell she enjoyed the knitting, talking with her, she talked about the patterns, and she taught me to cable, to read the patterns and translate that code into knitting.
She never knit herself an Aran, although she loved them. I never understood that, she knit herself other sweaters, she sewed herself clothes she liked but she didn't knit Arans for her children or grand children and she didn't knit them for herself, other than that 1 Jumper when Roberta was 5 or6.
Now I am knitting a red Aran from a pattern designed by Alice Starmore, I've done some changing to it so that it should fit my smaller frame. I'm knitting it from a red blend that is soft and won't have the same stitch defination that Arans are normally knit in but it will be a sweater I can wear over bare skin or with a turtle neck under it for a bit more warmth.
I designed and knit an Aran from hand spun wool for Ben when he was small, and I've knit several others over the years. Now I am knitting me sweaters and tweaking other designers patterns to make them fit me better or to please my own eye.
And while I knit I work on sorting out the tangled mess my life seems to have become because of this accident.
This red sweater won't be done before I am back at Cargill and working but I hope it will be done before I have my settlement from this accident. And that I am still working at Cargill, that my foot and ankle will tolerate the job duties.
Complex patterns, twists and braids and traveling stitches, textures and repeats, some of this makes up my life, the simple, dull routine I had, the well laid out road map for my life that I thought was solid and going to be my future has now become a complex and complicated mess of paperwork, doctor appointments, visits to an insurance office, waiting to heal, trying to get though long and pain filled days.
The detailed accident report is another part of that complex paperwork and mess that my life now contains. But it also gave me some answers to why the accident happened. A man who was cheating on his wife, a 'discussion' about that affair with his wife before leaving for work, a 911 call about suicide concerns by that wife when her husband didn't call her to let her know he was at work. It's in that detailed report, and also that report clearly shows he made no attempt to slow down or avoid the accident, not even apply his brakes.
He didn't care what happened, call it killing himself and not caring who he might have taken with him, call it not caring 1 way or another, but it adds up to the same. His cheating, her finding out, their 'talk' all put me in the hospital and my life changed, and my foot and ankle permanently damaged.
Gee, Mrs. Young doesn't end up with a messy divorce or have to wonder who her husband is sleeping with and I give up running and walking smootly, high heel shoes and roller skates. I don't wish her any ill but wish she had decided to talk about that affair with her husband some other day.
Now I will work on finishing my Aran sweater, getting back to work and finding out if my foot will tolerate the work load and then move on to the insurance settlement. And with the detailed crash report I can be sure I will get a large settlement that can be invested to help pay for future surgeries and help support me and compensate me for all that I have lost and all the pain I have to endure.

Vexing and stressing..

Between the dog's help and the cord to my earbuds tangling up, I was vexed and stressed and sweaty before I got the new wooly board together and the striped sweater on it. But I will be glad I now own a wooly board, it will sure make it easier to block/dry my hand knit sweaters, and because it stands upright, I no longer have a wet sweater lying on my bed for several days and no where to put it to dry.
Kid and I walked to the park and he ran and romped and I walked over 2 miles today, I know it's good for me, I need to drop a couple pounds, need to get in better shape, need the fresh air. I don't know if I will ever get to where I walk with ease and grace again, but I am able to walk and I walk better than I did 4 months ago, so that is progress.
Now I need to work on that red Aran, it really doesn't need much before I am doing the neck shaping and shoulders. And I know I will love wearing it, have yarn for another sweater tucked away that friend AJ sent me ages ago, have sock/fingering wt yarn ordered for another gansey styled sweater for work so I need this red one done.
It's a nice day outside, I know it will be winter and cold all too soon so I am going to enjoy the nice weather while it's here and deal with the ragweed allergy as part of enjoying fall.
So, now off to sit on the front porch or the back glider and do some Aran knitting while that dog does what ever he wants, as long as he's outside with me, he's not to be trusted in the house alone, he's not old enough to be that good.

Counting blessings instead of feeling sorry for me

Today my 21 speed $$ bike left for yard sale friends are having. I can't ride it, I might not ever ride any bike again, with toe clips I might ride the lighter old bike some, but I can never bike for hours and I want to cry and then I read Sherri Jo's blog http://bearytinytreasures.com/blog/ and know nothing in my life is as hard as what Carole, Jimmy, their kids, her mom, Sherri Jo, her entire family are facing.

No one deserves the medical problems this mother is facing, neither of them. And looking at how bravely they deal with each day makes me feel like a whining brat. I'm crying over high heels and bicycles and they are battling 4th stage cancer..

I will never do much dancing again or run again but Kid and I walked over 2 miles today. And State Farm will pay all the medical bills from this accident, and I have my medical coverage from work that will pay most of the appendix bills. I get lost wages checks until I am back to work, and if I cannot do my job duties, I will get a larger settlement to help provide for me.

No leaking roof problems are as huge as Carole's cancer battle. No garden overgrown with grass compares to Jimmy's job problems. No place for my rocking chairs in my living room compares with 4 kids fighting to keep their mom just a little longer...

I am going to work on putting some things in the utility area, moving some stuff around and then will have room for at least 1 of the rocking chairs. And I will have that wooly board tomorrow or Saturday, and I can afford such non-essencial stuff as knitting yarns and wooly boards to dry my sweaters on.

I'm on plan #3 for that monolithic dome I might actually be able to have built, on that land that I might acutally be able to buy some day. I'm knitting my Marine son another pair of socks, and I have no idea now how many pair I have knit him, but 10 or more would probably be a good guess. And I can afford yarns to knit helmet liners for him and for some of his pals. And the cost to ship boxes to that boy.

Talking with Julie made me realize how far I have come, how much I have overcome in my life, and not just with this accident. And I will continue to overcome the challenges in life, and deal with the fears and doubts. And it's ok for strong people to cry, it's not a sign of weakness.

The finished rocking chair

Well, after better than 12 hours of work, outside on the fornt porch, too much of it in the hot sun, the rocker has a new caned seat. Kid is not impressed and I don't know where I will put it but know I am going to enjoy it for years to come

Tired today

I'm tired today, it's almost 9:30 and I haven't gotten anything done except wash the new sweater and lay it out to dry. I did order a wooly board, which is an adjustable sweater drying frame, and it will help me dry my hand knit sweaters faster and have them looking nicer but it will take a week or more to get here.
I didn't get any chilies sold so they are again drying, might donate them to food basket here, at least they will keep longer and maybe I can gift them somewhere.
Julie was coming over but didn't so I expect she had migrane headache, she worked until midnight so getting up so early to take Artie to work is hard on her and she is prone to migranes when she is stressed and tired.
I will drag the chair out and work on it again today, might even get it done, will take Kid for a walk too, that is good for both of us. The dishes need done so that's on my list and the new Aran Knitting book should be here today in the mail.
I need to get out my helmet liner pattern and get busy with helmet liners and have some knit so I can ship them to Jake soon, they will be needing them sooner than I can knit and ship them.
The days drag right now, I do have things I need to be getting done but time drags. I know once I am back at work I will really fall behind and will come home beat tired for at least the first 2 weeks and probably with a lot of pain too.
But getting back to work puts me back on track with my life and getting this accident settled and moving on with my life. Knowing if the foot will tolerate the work load or not is part of getting ready for that settlement. I need to know also and I need to get back to living, not sitting around with my life on hold while I heal up from this accident.
Dolls and knitting and reading seems to have taken up a lot of the hours since that accident, and chasing an old dream.
I own't be doing any more chasing any old dreams, not going to regret that I did it, or the time and money spent, no sense in beating myself up over what I can't change. Wiser and more careful about men, spent a few $ and run that public records search will be the way of the future. I am done with trust and accept someone to be honest, and if they are honest, they should have no problems with my making sure the public records pulls up nothing serious.
Maybe I will take that dog for a walk first, then work on the chair while it's shady on the front porch, I want to look at my house plans again, maybe get Ben to help me with some square foot figures, I absolutely do not want to go over 2000 square foot but I am not sure that is including the sunroom or not, LOL, I sure want that sunspace if I can build new, but I also do not want a huge house to maintain and clean.
There are 2 modulars that give me really good ideas, not sure how to blend the 2 of them and then turn that into a monolithic home but that is my current top of the list dream. And I know that Monolithic will help me turn my needs and wants and dreams into a working home, but I have to figure out what I really want and need first. Then I have to see if I can financially afford to buy that land and build that dream home.
So, get things done here that I can do, get back to work and see what foot and ankle socket will tolerate, get things settled with State Farm, lock up as much of the settlement as I can and still have house construction funds and most of my bills paid off or all of them IF I cannot continue working.
And now, it's get dressed in something besides jamies and take Kid for that needed walk before he romps the house, the birds, me, Ben.

Pat me on the Head!!

My amethist and charcoal striped sweater is done!! And fits nicely, and looks good!!! Finished it up this evening and wore it to Pizza Hut!! I still have the red Aran to finish and helmet liners to knit for my Marine and his pals, a pair of socks for him started, yarn to knit Julie socks, yarn ordered for another Gansey sweater to replace the 1 cut off me after the accident on 1/14.
This one is from some yarn I got on clearance at Sticks and Stones in Jacksonville, not enough of the amethist to make a sweater but they had the charcoal too and there was more of it...so some thinking and planning made a really nice sweater. It will be hand wash and lay flat to dry until I break down and order a sweater board.
Last night I went to a concert with a friend, good music and I avoided eating foods there that would have made me miserable. My system will not tolerate much grease in foods..so I did the kettle corn and shared that. T.G. Shepard was the concert, older stuff but good and the evening was cool but not bad and the misquetos stayed away. Saw and talked with a couple people from Cargill I have not seen since before my accident.
Church was good, Ben slept most of the day, he's having sinus headaches, I'm taking allergy stuff as it's ragweed season and that stuff really makes me miserable and then sick if I don't deal with it early on.
Lots of chilies and I need to sell or give them away, we have a lot dried already and I am out of storage space.
Need to work on my house plans again and tweak them for a library area and might do that tomorrow if I find time. It's not high on the list of important at this time, getting other things done that need done before I am back at work is top of the list.
It's really coming into fall here and I am not looking forward to fall and winter, don't enjoy the cold and expect that right foot to have issues with the cold, especially that metal plate and 5 screws. I will be able to wear my insulated hiking boots thought but not at work.
I worry about work too, about my foot tolerating the job load and about the personality conflict issues that seem to run rampant through supply department. I will do a lot of praying and trust in God to help me stay calm, balanced and to shield me from any anger or jealousy or other things. It's sad that we cannot find a way to work together as a team but Allen and I cannot force the others to have better attitudes or want to work together and get along. He's a very good man but that is not catching, too bad being nice and considerate was not as easy to share as bad attitudes seem to be.
I need to work on that rocker too and get the caning done so it's usable and not in the way in my bedroom. If I give Julie the futon I will have room for the rocker and maybe room to bring Jake's rocker out of the attic.
Some day I will have a real living room and no radial arm saws or table saws or tools in the living room but I know that is probably 1-2 years away or longer. I can manage here but will plan and work for that cleaner, dryer and nicer home. It will happen, and faster than I expected this time last year.
The accident settlement will change some things for the better for me, but the accident has not changed my life for the better. I will find ways to make my life work well for me, God has given me the tools and the ability and the determination to rebuild my life and to like what I build it into. It won't always be easy, the past almost 8 months has not been easy either but I have gotten through them, and I will continue to get through the rough days, and the painful nights and the really painful work shifts I have coming up.
And I can come home to a dog that adores me, needs me, loves me unconditionally, to a house I have put a lot of work, money, sweat and dreams into, the dolls and books and knitting and fabrics that I enjoy. The loud and silly parrots that have been part of my 'kids' for almost 10 years now, over 10 for Blue now I think.
God has blessed me abundently, has protected and sheltered me, has guided and guarded me. And will continue to do so as I work my way through the coming days and weeks and months ahead.

Voices in the early morning hours

It's a voice that has, over the years, often woke me up, sad, happy, just wanting to gab with Mom, and again today, around 4 am my time, that voice on the phone, not long to talk, a long line behind him waiting to call home also. Loves me, glad to know a box with gun cleaning supplies and baby wipes is on the way. No power cord to his laptop that did arrive here, it had been stolen before laptop was shipped to mom, I can replace but didn't want to until I was sure that missing cord was not in another box and coming home.
Mom, Marines take care of their guns, not paperwork, oh, that explains the condition of the letter I got and the FOID APP he also mailed back to mom Instead of putting in the envelope it was mailed to him with...the correctly addressed and stamped enveloped..only needed his signature...
So much I wanted to say, so much to talk with him about and no time, but he's ok, he sounded good. He didn't say where he was but we know he's in the middle east and was in Kuwait the last time he told me where he was. I know it takes 8 days for something he ships to get here to my house and 4-5 weeks for him to get anything I send to him.
I have not told him about the appendix emergency but it's in the letter that went out a couple weeks ago, and my healing progress was in the letter that went in the box this week.
Now it's a gray and wet day, but not pouring rain so that is a blessing with this old and leaking roof. And I won't always live under a leaking roof, and I do have a home and a life I really like.
A friend and I might do something Sunday after I get back from church, he's talking lunch out and go play tourist, he'd like to make time to see that sand patch I want to buy, he's investing in a used trailer in Springfield in same place 1 of his sisters lives and would like me to see it, it needs some work and wants my input..
I asked Ben to help me with a spreadsheet, I need to be able to turn in the hours/days he's been tied up taking care of me as State Farm will pay him for that and at the current min. wage per hour. It's what the state pays for non-medical home health care people that come in to assist. I will have to drag down the calendar and figure it for each day because there were days Nancy took me to dr. appontments, and the long, long days that were my first surgery and the days after that, the 2nd surgery and the day or 2 after that..but I am glad I can or he can turn in paperwork for that and he be compensated for caring for him and for all the house work he did here when I could not. And the mowing he has done when I could not mow.
Now I need to get that sweater back out and finish the neck ribbing and try it on, then I can start picking up the stitches for those sleeves. And I need to clear the table enough to start playing with house plans again for that library I want to add to my 'needs' list. Jake won't mind 'bunking' with Mom's doll collection as long as a lot of the books are there too, we read the same books often, he's become a fan of Clive Cussler and David Weber and a few others from his Mom's reading.
Well, ya, Jake called, man, I miss long, wandering phone conversations, long drives and talks with that youngest son of mine.

Changing those house plans again..

I drug Julie looking at modulars today and to the yarn shop in J-ville, the modular trip was to look at kitchen lay outs, bathrooms and talk handicapped issues, both of us have been very handicapped due to accidents and talk about sleeping space for a guest..that would not be in the studio or livingroom...now I will be playing with my house plans again. Ben suggests a den/library with built ins for display of some of my dolls along with book shelves. And something that would easily become that guest bed when needed. Julie and I both agreed that the commode in a seperate room or space with a door makes it challenging when you are on crutches or a walker or wheel chair.
But we girls had a great day and I did look at yarns, talk sweater/gansey yarns and got yarn ordered for my next gansey, blue again but not the royal I had cut off me. I will be working on deciding what graphs to use and working up a rough pattern on the next week or so. In the meantime I am making great progress on the striped sweater, the shoulders are joined and I am doing the neck ribbing and hope to be picking up the sleeves and knitting them down in the next couple days.
I will have to get my red Aran out and work on it, know I can sure use it this winter but it won't make a work sweater. But I want it done and to be wearing it. Jake has socks going and I need to get out the pattern for the helmet liner and get started as have yarn for 4 of those to knit for Jake and pals. I will buy more yarn and knit more later. I did get the yarn ready for Julie's socks, she saw the yarn and loves it, so those will be cast on before long too and the yarn from Elann will be here tomorrow, it's just the yarn to re-inforce the heels and toes on Jake's socks but I will need it to do the heels on the socks I have going for Jake now.
Nights are really staring to cool off now, it's getting to be fall and I am so not ready for fall. I feel like I have lost or misplaced so much of my life these past months, know I will never get it back, the accident took that time and more. But I will get my life back together, my finances back to something I am comfortable with, and will either be doing the renovations here or having something out of town to work on, garden, landscape, watch my plants grow.
The dream house is still monolithic but looking at modulars with different people helps me get better plans for that dream home, everyone sees each place different and points out what they see as positives and negatives. Then I can draw up a new floor plan and write notes and go from there. I really like having a pantry, want a small upright freezer but it can be in the utility area. I do want both shower and tub, know there will be times I cannot easily get into that tub so a tub with shower might become hard or impossible for me to use. And a shower large enough for a seat or with a built in one will also be on that list, toilet accessable and where I can put a rail or assist bar.
And after thinking it over, I do not want a 2nd bedroom but do want something more private than the livingroom/great room for guest to sleep in and don't want them in my studio. So, figuring in a library that's not big but would allow a small hide a bed or futon would work nicely. A retreat area I would use and a guest place that would allow Jake or someone else some privacy but not be a space that collected junk or was un-used unless I had a guest.
I absolutely want a coat closet handy to the main door, and if I can have it handy to my kitchen door, that is great too. I like the idea of a utility space with utility sink, want on demand hot water and might do 2 tanks so there is quick hot water in my bath.
Well, it's late for me so I will get Kid walked and head to bed. The knitting will wait for tomorrow.

Counting down days

I expect to finally be released to return to work after 90/30, 8.5 months after the accident occured. It's become a long and stressing healing process, and I will never completely heal, my right foot and ankle will never get back to what it was. And my life won't either.
But I am trying to get some things here done that need done, and trying to get all the insurance paperwork done I can so it's done and turned in. Trying to get chores done, projects done and so forth. I'm tired a lot this week, think part of that is my body healing from the appendix project.
I have another box ready to ship to Jake, just need to finish his red socks and write a letter. I cry now every time I write him, every box I pack, know he's over in the middle east and I worry more. It's that Mom stuff.
Finances will be snug here for a while once I return to work, have at least 1 house payment to catch up but the bank will work with me, and I am deeper in credit debt and have medical bills to pay on, State Farm will re-imburse me for what I pay on all the bills connected with the accident but I will have bills with the appendix emergency that will be my responsibility.
But I will get through it and I will manage, won't see much going into savings but have not seen any going into savings for the past 8 months either.
Life seems so off track still and I know it will stay that way until I am working, until we know if the foot will tolerate work, until State Farm and I have a settlement on this accident. It all takes time and more patience than I seem to have left.
Tamara and Ben are on line shopping for parts/lights for her car and Ben shops on line or drools on line for cars, I know what I want for a newer car and will, if I can afford it, buy new from the dealer in Springfield and even know what salesman I want to work with.
And I have several house plans, depending on the size of the settlement, I want at least 1/2 of it tied up in long term investments, so depending on the total amount, I will make decisions. I like the idea of tying up 2/3 to 3/4 of the total amount for growth and to help support me once I am no longer able to work at Cargill.
But in the meantime I have to live each day and work though what each day gives me to deal with. The garden and I need to spend more time together, think I need to start selling chilies on the streetcorner. And I sure need to work on knitting projects and the yarn is wound into balls for the helmet liners that the guys will be wanting and needing this winter so I need to get them knit and shipped to Jake and his friends. I have yarn for 4 of them now.
I might go to Springfield tomorrow evening to the Barnes and Nobles knitting group, it would be good outing for me and I am thinking about it...
And I think about someone I choose to walk away from, I wasn't the person he thought I was, he wasn't the man I thought he had become, and financial management issues became a huge issue.
If that salvage business was sold at a profit, did anyone think about capital gains taxes and tax laws? 3 years to re-invest, sell a home, you have to re-invest in a home, sell a business, you have to re-invest in a business or pay capital gains taxes on the capital gain. So, there's huge tax issues that I had a right to know were paid up correctly, and a huge mortgage that was in foreclosure that was lied about, and lies that date back to before my accident.
Financial obligations that could have had me living in poverty trying to help that man meet his financial obligations, possible tax debt that the IRS could and would have attached my property, investments, income to help pay that debt.
So, that dream of having a life together, that twice in the past we walked away from, this time became a reality that we could not build a bridge across. I will not believe someone loves me when they hide financial issues that could impoverish and destroy the small amount of financial stability I have built for myself.
So, tougher, stronger, and smarter, wiser about financial matters than he expected me to be, or he lives in denial about his financial matters and does not even look at them and accept them as something he has to deal with. IRS will get their money, even from the dead, they can be relentless, they have the legal ability to take everything, from the roof over your head to the business that makes your living...they can take it all and they can take it out of your social security or disability.
I won't get messed up with IRS problems, I will keep my taxes paid and I will not put myself in a position where the IRS can take my bank account, my home, my vehicle. It's far easier to pay them their due, to keep the books in order and stay on their good side.
No hate or anger, some regret, some questions about why, and that 'how stupid did you think I was' thought. At 54 I can be single and very comfortable, and I do like who I am, and I am making my life work, even with the challenges I have had this year.

Saturday and toxic dogs

Kid had me up early so he could go out, and I had hoped after out for call of nature and his breakfast I could get some more sleep. Not on the dog's list of things Mom should do. But we had a good walk, and he's napping under my feet and passing terribly toxic gas. Ben is in the other room and even complained about it getting in there. Maybe a change of dog food might help. Poor Kid, toxic gas and offensive oders, good thing I love him and am tolerant, it's not deliberate, it's a natural process thing....gasp, gag, gasp.
I need to finish off Jake's red socks and write a letter so they can ship, he did send me a list of things he would like in care packages so I will have to go on a Marine shopping trip again.
The new jeans I bought fit ok, am glad I was able to afford them and know I will be wearing them a lot, my cargo pants are getting worn out and I don't want to patch and re-patch very much.
The caning is here so I need to start the work on that chair and get it done and usable. And I need to work on the weeds in the garden again. I get so discouraged with that, I don't seem to ever get the whole garden cleaned up this year. But the chilies are doing well.
Might go join the knitting group that meets at Sticks and Stones in J-ville this afternoon, be a good outting for me and I could take 1 of my sweater projects and work on that, would make some progress that way. I have set them aside for far too long, will be sweater time soon and I won't have either of them ready to wear.

Middle of the night conversations

Kid and Ben woke my about 3 am, somehow paws on my bed, on me wake me up fast. Ended up getting up to talk with Ben. About what he plans to do with his life, about my foot and what that can do to my life, my fears about not being able to work very long.
And the conversation wandered into income taxes, capital gain taxes, all the paperwork now into the 'system' that makes it's way to IRS in time. Living 'below the radar' and working for cash only, and then needing SSI and discovering if you had not paid in, you had no benefits to draw.
The way it is now, you can't dodge the IRS long, and they can take everything on a tax debt, they can set the amount you owe them and you have to prove different. We're in agreement, we want to stay on the good side of the IRS and avoid complications in our lives. It's gotten to where there's not much way to hide any amount of earned income from those tax guys. Easier to keep that paid up, the paperwork filed and have them leave you alone.
The word 'delusional' came up in conversation, as in Ben thinks anyone would be delusional to think I would not bounce numbers around in my head and expect them to add up, that anyone who does't keep his taxes squared away was delusional to think that would not catch up with them. I'm glad my son thinks his mom has some brains when it comes to finances and money issues. He does agree that she is too willing to trust people to be honest with her but smart enough to catch on real quick when what they say won't add up right.
He's going to work on getting a job, and on saving so he can chase that schooling dream, too late this fall to enrole, hopes for in the spring and knows only he can make that happen. I'm going to get toe clips on the yellow bike and see if I can safely ride that some, be good for me if I can gain that back.
And I am going to work on finishing a few things here that need done, get that chair caned, get back to work on knitting those 2 sweaters I have well started. Get a quilt top quilted so it's a usable quilt and all the parts are out of my way. Small things while I work on the foot healing and the appendix surgery healing, getting stuff done here so I can look at going back to my Cargill job.
I'm going to get Ben's help in clearing out the weeds and grass in the garden again, and on some stuff like that I want done, he's going to work on some things he needs and wants done. Maybe by the end of this month we will both feel our lives are moving in a positive direction.
And I am going to work on forgiving, on letting go, and on helping Otto with some of the 'moving on' stuff he's needing to get done, cleaning out Barb's clothes, getting the non-working tv's out and gone, that sort of stuff he needs to do, not always easy to do it alone.
And I am debating on marking off days, until the 30th and the next doctor appointment. Going back to work is so important to me, being able to at least feel I am starting to put my life back together, it's been a long haul with this accident and I'm not to the top of that hill yet. But at least, right now, I think I am heading up, instead of just sitting on the roadside looking.

Rains and old houses

I knew when I bought this old house I could not afford anything else, and that with time and lots of work and money, I would eventually have a great home. So, the plumbing is all done, most of the windows are replaced, the furnace was moved to the utility area the new foundation work created. I am making progress and keeping costs to where I am not buried in debt.
But the roof leaks, and it leaks more every time it rains hard. Today it woke me at 4 am, move the bed and go back to sleep, not much more I can do for now. I know it won't always be this way. I know I am making good progress with the house and again making progress with debt load.
But there is a house just south of me getting a new roof, stripped down the the original decking and rafters and going up new, and I have envy when I see it, and maybe even real jealousy when it's raining and I'm being dripped on, or hearing it come dripping in, after moving my bed and wanting to be back asleep.
Someday I will live in a home where the roof doesn't leak, it might be this house, or another place here in town, or that dream home I want to build out of town. Someday I will live in a home where the roof doesn't leak.
The accident and the settlement is more likely to speed that up than delay it, the settlement money will enable me to change a lot in my life faster than I can/could do with my paychecks.
But it doesn't change me, or how I look at life, what principals are most important to me.
The leaking roof is a small reason to be released and back to work, being screaming bored is another one, and being just fed up and tired of hurting has a lot to do with that. I don't know what the foot will tolerate until I try.
For now, the belly is feeling better, the digestative system is getting closer to normal, the house is reasonably clean for this old house, the finances are stable, the dog is happy, the birds are content and the concrete guys that did my foundation are working here in town on a basement entry way for friends of mine, so it will be easy to go catch them and have a chat about future work I have planned and want them to be a part of.
The caning for that rocker is in shipping and today I will cut out/remove the old seat so it can go in tomorrow's trash, and Otto and I plan a run to Good Will in Jacksonville with some donataions, and maybe I will pick me up some easy and healthy quick meals to use when I don't feel like cooking a real meal.
I did get the new net-10 prepaid phone # registered with No Call, and re-did my home phone number too, I will have to have this cell phone for years before all the 'not for me' calls end but I don't turn it on often, it's my 'emergency' phone away from home. I had that with the Tracfone for years, and now that the phones are small enough to live in pants pocket, I will not have a cell phone left in a vehicle when I am hauled off by ambulance again. Or so the thought goes.
I'm still feeling like my life is stuck in a bowl of jello, soft and bouncy and a bit sticky but impossible to make any progress to the other side of the bowl and climb out. I know that will continue until I am released and going back to work. And that will be several weeks away. Dr. Mulshine has felt I was pushing my foot too hard, too fast so I doubt if he will be bothered by this appendix problem, and the appendix is healing well, so I should be a total of 4 weeks, plus or minus a few days. from the date of that surgery to a medical release there.
And I will deal with the rain problems, in time I will have that dry roof, in time I will have that 'normal' life feeling, in time the insurance settlement will be done and I will be taking care of that, plans for investments are already laid out somewhat.
And I looked at some more land that's up for sale in this area, and went through the on line listings and looked at everything Buffy has on her books, great way to do some down time. About every house would need work before I could move in, remove carpet and lino, do hard surface floors, many were 2 story and I would rather be 1 level now, many were not enough square feet, too many square feet, too many out buildings, not enough land/lot size. But it made for entertainment while I rested.
It's going to be a good day, I will make it a good day and I will not abuse the foot or the tender belly. Nor will I abuse the dog, he worships me, he's good for me.

Gray clouds and gray days

Today is 1 of those gray days, but the funneral is done and Otto and I are ok. As expected I am resented by some of the relatives for stepping up, but they had years to do that and were too busy. Now, they are resentful that it's me Otto talks with, asks advice from and depends on when he needs something. They weren't there to sit with Don so Otto could go get groceries or to help clean up bowel movements or clean the filthy house so the hospice people had a better work environment.
But they want things and are sure Don would like Otto to fill their want list. Don asked for a few things to be given to a few people and it's been done, Don's sister asked for just a photo and went home with a framed one. But those other relatives can go buy their own collection of Elivis DVD's, Otto helped Don order and pay for the ones Otto now has, he's not just handing that stuff over, they can go buy their own or offer Otto $$ IF he wants to sell.
I didn't make enough time for my 'old guys' and I can't change that, I should have done more sooner. But I was afraid to offend them by asking/offering a lot more help. I get told I am too bossy, too willing to take over, and I do not want to walk all over the pride of those who I care so much about. We're past that now and I do tell Otto to talk with his brother and wife about things, and I tell him to make his decision, not what Maggie would do, but what works for Otto..
Foot and Belly are not happy today either, know I am healing, know belly had surgery just over a week ago and I am NOT living in 2400 with all the cool Star Trek healing tools, I have so little patience with my own body. Healing is doing well, it's not going at my speed, I just need to accept that I cannot force my body to be all fixed just becasue I want it that way.
I sent a letter to Jake today, let him know I have a long legged dog for him to run with, that I am looking at buying some land if I can afford it and to build on it, that I ended things with that guy over financial issues, that I had surgery for appendix but am healing and am fine...I left out the stuff about frusteration and aggrivation and just plain trying to keep from climbing the walls.
Back to resting on my bed because that is what my body needs, and I am so fed up with months and months of that. It would have been easier if that blasted appendix had decided to go punk a couple months ago, when my foot had me far more laid up, it would be nice if the accident never happened..ya, ya, so whine and accept and adjust.
I did get the chilies picked, need to set up the dryer, think I will dry cayannes and see if I can sell the Habeneros at the Farmer's Market tomorrow, sure know I have dryed alot already and so if I can sell a few, that would work for me. They are a pretty mountain on a cookie sheet in the kitchen now, orange and red and bright.
I need to either start putting doll outfits up on e-bay or decide I have dolls that like huge wardrobes, and get back to sewing more, that tends to cheer me up, and I do have the Doll Club Christmas exchange to sew for and have not even looked to see what doll my exchange person wants something special for. Hopefully a doll I have a body to fit things to, that makes sewing far easier here. And a doll big enough to be easy to sew for would be nicer than 1 of those tiny ones, I can and will sew tiny for gift but I sure won't for sale..
Ben and Tamara took my truck to go to J-ville and get part for her car, will be glad to see them back and know my truck is back safely. I worry far more now about stuff like that than I did 8 months ago, gee I wonder why.

Sleepless nights

I'm too hot, my bed is uncomfortable, my 'ouches' hurt but not enough to take something for and my brain is restless and moody.
As I am slowly improving from the appendix problem and resulting surgery I get to go back to that 'accident post' body/foot feel. And that's a let down. I want this accident over and done with. Ben should have his settlement done soon, and I will be glad that is taken care of for his part but for me, even once the final papers are signed, the final medical release is done, I won't be done with dealing with the effect of this accident on my life and my body.
I tried to ride a bike once so far, that was not really successful but I didn't wreck the bike so there is hope, right? But climbing into the attic for my caning stuff was a struggle and until I no longer climb a ladder to get into the attic, it will be a struggle.
What used to be easy, what I used to take for granted, now will be up hill battles the rest of my life. Most of the time I am able to accept that and know I will get to the top of that hill. But there are times when I feel so defeated by my own body.
I haven't always taken the best care of this body, but sure have not abused it. I don't always eat a balanced meal, but I am not overweight and don't have weight related health problems.
I don't have any drinking, drug or smoking issues and really do not live on M&M's, despite the rumors otherwise.
I admit I am not good at long term romantic relationships but some of that is because I am very independent and self-sufficient. At my age, it's far better to be alone than to deal with the mess that comes with a lot of the men that are single and in the age group I am willing to date.
I don't have a lot of 'mess' to drag into a relationship and will not be helping them clean up their mess. And being lied to about stuff that could become huge problems, especially ones that financially could really damage my ability to keep my little world going so nice and stable, those I really back away fast from.
At 54 I am able to put a roof over my own head and pay my own bills, now I know that roof needs repaired but I have been consistantly working on this house since I bought it, and I knew it would be a long and slow haul to turn it into the place I know it can become.
I do, as I should, ask myself, ask that man, what he is bringing to the relationship, what better quality of life does our being together gain both of us? And yes, I do ask myself what that man can do for me as well or better than I can do for myself, and improved sex life does not count on that list.
Neither does companionship as I do not lack companionship and friendship in my life. So, what good qualities and what abilities and what problems are all taken into my consideration and yes, I do weigh things, and judge things. It is my business to keep my life in order, not the business of my children to end up having to clean up my mess or help feed me in the future because I did not think and plan for myself for that future.
I realize that my writing how I feel, and being honest with what is going on in my life here at my blog has offended someone, maybe more than 1 someone, but I have this blog so I can write my feelings, my real life stuff and I do know the 'world' can see it, and can criticize, nit pick, run me down or pat me on the back. I do think about what I write, and I almost always preview and re-read, or save to draft and think over, re-read before posting. Some of that is to correct typos and spelling errors, some is so I can be sure I am not just 'letting out all the mad'.
I'm not going to post a laundry list of my issues with someone, and at this minute, a certain someone, but I will say I did have a great time out west the second trip, and am glad I made that trip. I learned a lot about that man from the past, both positive and negative, I filed a lot of those conversations away to re-think, re-evaluate and to weigh.
I don't think I would have realized some things as soon without that trip out west, and learning later could have been very costly for me. So, that accident and ability to spend almost 2 weeks in the southwest has brought me sooner to see some major problems that I will not allow to become a mess in my life.
I did learn just recently that legal notices are now available on line and not at all hard to pull up. I went through a foreclosure on the house in Missouri, when after 2 years I could not get it sold and I could not live and work here and also make those housepayments in Missouri, and I am still paying off the difference from what the house sold for and what I owed. And it's around $1500 now so I am seeing progress and will have that debt gone as soon as I can.
Finding out I had been lied to about a name on a mortgage that was in default, realizing I had been lied to, decieved about that from the very beginnning of our 'back in touch' stage, he's right, it's not about the settlement, it's all about huge lies about huge financial obligations that he would be dragging into my life and that could turn my stable finances into a disaster for the rest of my life, accident or no accident, settlement or no settlement.
I will say I am very glad my dog was still at the vet, they kept him overnight when he was nutered. It would have confused and upset him greatly to have been here with me, at about 6 am last Saturday, raging though my own house, ranting about lies and low life creeps and ya, those that know me well, you know the upset and angry me.
Breakfast for me and a trip to Virginia to get that dog from the vet, time at home with that pup and then a walk with that pup, and time to calm down before sending an e-mail, to be told once again he was not on that mortgage...he could have googled his name and pulled up that same legal notice I pulled up and raged and ranted and foamed at the mouth about.
You know, it's not that he is also on that mortgage that was defaulted on, it's that he lied over and over about being on that same mortgage that had me raging. And there is no way, with a mortgage that huge and what all you go through now to get a mortgage that he did not clearly know what paperwork he was signing his name to when that mortgage was taken out.
I have to wonder, anyone would wonder, if he so clearly lied about this, what all else has he lied about and just why did he choose to lie??? And I had to wonder if he thought I was totally stupid, that he thought something like a huge mortgage that was defaulted on would not ever come back to haunt life down the road? Let me say here, clearly, those things do come find you and they grow while they are hunting for you...
And none of that changes the facts that I do have to make my life work, that I do have the right to protect myself, and that I do have the right to be open and honest on my own blog, knowing that anyone and everyone with internet in the world can read what I post.
And some of those people are again saying, foolish Maggie, by now you should know to run a background check on a man before even going to coffee with him. And most really are not concerned about it, they also have very real lives that they are busy living and what I post about some man they don't know, won't ever know, isn't important to them.
So, my advice is that if my posts offend you, please just quit reading them. Don't let what I feel, what I write be important enough to make waves in your little pond. Shut me out, close that door and walk away, it's not worth the stress. And that 'make your life miserable' comment, well, I try and not make threats that later I might be held accountable for. Getting revenge for my post strikes me as very immature, very huge waste of time and certainly makes somone one a lesser person..along with possibly putting them in legal trouble. Loads of things now days are against the law, many of them are so traceable now. Also, you have to matter to me to have much effect on my life, and you have to have influence with those that do matter to me to be able to use them to make waves in my little pond....so, I am staying in my own little pond and want that man to go play in his pond and realize, accept that he and he alone is accountable for what he said, did and the results it had in our relationship..that never really got started before it was done in by his financial issues and his lies about financial issues.

Auction find

So, I drug Otto over the other side of town to an estate auction, to cook him in the sun, starve him and help load an antique rocker that needs the seat re-caned. For $35 I think I have a treasure, and a trip to the attic will get my book and caning tools, a few minutes on line will get me the needed cane supplies and a few hours of work, ok, quite a few hours, will get me a great chair.
Of course, yes, I know I don't have any room for this chair now. But I will have in the future and if I didn't buy it now, I would not have it for that future. And I will enjoy the caning work, and I think Otto enjoyed the auction and being out among people. I know I did, saw my supervisor, saw Janna from the office, saw some of the plant bosses, had a good time and even stayed within reasonable on my bidding. I knew to stop at $135 on the cedar chest that I also did not have room for, didn't even bid on the smaller blanket box that went really high and didn't bid on stuff I didn't have need or reason to want. And as soon as I won the chair, I left Otto to chair sit while I went for the truck and billfold so I could pay for my silly chair and get it home before Ben cam looking to skin me.
Kid was thrilled to have Mommy home, could care less about the chair.

Friday's update

Julie was here today and I was already out of the shower. She's studying some food safety stuff for up-coming test, she is working her way up the McDonalds ladder and I am so proud of all she has done with her life. She's not letting her alcholic husband drag her down, she's got her place paid for now, a job that has a future and she is doing the work to make it a better one. Go, girl, Go.
Today part of Don's oxygen equipment was picked up, Tuesday at 9 the other company is to be at the house to take care of their part. We got all the meds bagged and off to the local pharmacy for disposal, to see about terminating the Don's cell service.
And we started looking at cleaning and inventory and what needs gotten rid of. It will be months of slow work, we are not getting in a rush but a bit at a time. I will post all the non-working tv's on freecycle and see if we can get someone to come for all of them, 4+ that don't work or have problems.
Don and Barb's clothes and the 'depends' and such will be donated where they will do someone else some good. Otto does not need them and does need room to live. We will have stuff to go to auction that can go, stuff for the metal recyclers here to collect and so forth. But little by little I will see that Otto has a home to live in he can afford and keep cleaner and that is safer and more comfortable for him to live in.
It will take time for him to adjust to being there alone. He will never stop missing Don and Barb but we know they want him to live and go on with his life and to enjoy it. Some is easy, but there will be hard and rough days for both of us, easier for me, I wasn't their care giver, they weren't the center of my life. And I am younger and looking at going back to a job 1 of these days.
The foot worked hard the past few days, is glad to be in a shoe with support today, the belly is not yelling ouch as loud but is still bloated and that will take time to leave.
I see my foot dr. early in the morning and then later the same morning I see my belly dr. LOL, now I have 2 doctors to get approvals from before I can be released back to work.
Mike Ferrin called yesterday, sympathy about Don's passing, concern about my appendix and hospital stay and not a word about his deception/lies about his and Annette's mortgage. And not a word of 'sorry' about his lies or so forth. He can't 'fix' the problem with Facepage to put me back on his friends list and wants me to take care of that. It won't happen, I deliberately shut every cyber door I could for him to peak into my life via Facebook and I want it that way.
I don't know what tomorrow's plans are, I am bugging Ben about the mowing and I will pitch a fit if he does not get it done for me.
I asked Otto if he would like to go to church with me this Sunday, he thinks he will and that it would be good for him, I agree, he needs to get out some and he needs to NOT be the free driver/help for all the mouches that have been waiting for Don to pass to use Otto. Don and Barb will be disappointed in me if I let everyone or anyone walk on Otto. He is a kind and gentle older man who does not need people taking advantage of his lonely hours now while he adjusts to being alone over at that house that just days ago had 2. Don and Otto never adjusted to Barb's passing so now Otto has a huge adjustment and will be very easily hurt or used. He's not stupid but he has little experience with many things, a quiet country man.
I hear the mower going so hope Ben moves things like the hose and Kid's toys out of the way. Ben is a good kid but sure can be lazy and hard to get moving or motivated.

I'm Home, I'm home, I'm home

so that 'velcro' dog can now hang on my feet and legs. And Otto has his support system back, Don passed on last night and I have already talked to the paster who will do the service, he and the dr feel Monday at the soonest for me.
But the laundry Ben didn't get dry and taken over to Otto is now over there, the clean stuff that was in the basket here is folded, and what I needed is washed and folded. I had a good supper and made the phone calls I needed to, made sure I took my 2 antibiotics and mpain meds and am working on my gaterade that will help replace some of the minerals I lost.
It feels so good to be back in my little old house, despite it's problems. 3 nights at the hospital was a long time for me. I will say I was well cared for and actually slept well. And the hospital tv had HGTV which I don't have a home. I had a nice room mate who had emergency gall bladder surgery and was ouching too. She also is diabetic and can go home tomorrow if all her counts are right.
Now I will help Otto with setting up Don's funneral, and making all those calls we make once the day and time are set. And with desposing of Don and Barb's meds, yes, almost 3 years later, her perscription meds are still in the house. Otto didn't know what should be done with them.
We will work a bit with some cleaning, we will do small things that won't be over my weight lifting limits, or tire me out.
The chilies here need picked again, and the new doll outfit needs photoed so I can put it up for sale, I still need to do the 'on line' bill paying I do, kitchen floor needs mopped and the dishes need done.
All the pieces of my 'normal' life that really matter to me, the people, the things, the routine chores that make my small world here. I am so blessed, I am so fortunate, it is not a perfect life but it works so very well for me.

Improving, slowly

This ruptured appendix stuff has really kicked my butt. Yesterday was miserable all day, nausia, diareha, pain...but slept good, woke up feeling some better, more like 'me' and lab came and drew blood so that is a positive sign. Know the surgion will want to see white cell count has gone down. Not sure what else they will look for but the cherry and young resident -again- told me she thought I could go home, gee she said that Monday and Tuesday and there was NO WAY the surgion was ready to release me.
I do get real food and can have a shower-once all the paperwork has gotten processed for those orders.
Know I have a lot waiting for me at home, Otto and Kid and my life. And time to put up Mike's photos, time to write 1 of those 'notes' I do on Facebook that Mike hates. Too Public, too open for him. But I am not hiding much in my life, and certainly not his 'dirty linen'.
I don't know if he is just that 'stupid' to think I would not figure out his lies and his financial problems, or that I would not care, or that I would figure I was too deep into the relationship to bail. I would not have bailed, not out of My boat, he would have been out with life vest or less and I would not have been concerned about sharks, after all, his sharks, not mine.
I will never know what all was going through his brain, but that comment about 'our relationship ruining a good thing' sure has me puzzled. Maybe another woman foolish enough to rescue him from his own financial mess, maybe it was the end of a long held dream of life with the woman he thought I was.
My questioning mind has to wonder but the man has not enough significance to me for it to be really important. He proved his lack of necessary qualities to be a partner with me, and he proved he is not and probably has not for years, been worthy of trust.
Me, I am going to make this life of mine work, get over this appendix problem, get back to work, get the settlement done with State Farm and go on with my life.
And now I am going to shut this down and see if I can get a real breakfast...