And we are getting rains but not the flooding or tornadoes that other parts of the country are getting. I moved some plants Sunday so the rain is helping them settle in. Part of the pampas grass has put up new shoots, part looks very dead. It was a hard winter here.
And tonight I am knitting and reading but soon will gather up my sewing and work on the hem of that petticoat unless I decide cutting out and doing some of the machine work on the skirt suits my mood. It will take machine work, hand work, machine work and then a lot more hand work. Sounds stupid but I need to machine sew seams, hand stitch the back opening binding, hand stitch the waist pocket openings on the sides, put in gathering stitches, fit skirt to the waist band, sew on the waist band and then it gets that turned down and hand stitched and a hem.
I did a lot of thinking about my life, the past, poor choices, the direction I need my life to be going, and that sort of stuff while I worked today. It has been a long and rough road, made longer and rougher by my own poor, stupid, foolish choices.
I am working hard to make smarter, better thought out choices than I did years ago. I am also a lot more confident of my own abilities to make good choices, to provide for myself, to earn a living and manage my own finances.
4/30 and now it is 5/2
Boy, that knowing I am capable has sure helped me a lot, and now, many years later I look back, knowing nothing in the past can be changed and know I live now, and move forward.
And the cold spring is a drag, and the patio pour is not yet framed up, part of the pampas grass has not yet sent up any new growth and my finances are a mess.
Shadow chewed the toe out of 1 of my hand knit socks, the ones I knit for wearing under my brace, and a wool/silk blend to boot. I can fix it but I will stay irritated at that blasted dog for some time. He took it out of the dirty laundry hamper, from behind my back, while it sat here in the kitchen with tea and a book.
Left ribs hurt terribly this week, from pulling toe nails from dead pigs, and no jobs up yet for me to bid to so I hurt and get tough until I come home to whine and feel sorry for myself.
But my Great Basin Wild Rye seed is here and so is my flax seed from England. The flax goes to Clayville, I hope to get it planted tomorrow.
But I am not going to the doll club meeting Sunday, will do work here at home that needs done and pay my dues instead of buying the gas for a trip to Springfield. Thought about just dropping out of the doll club for a year or so but I don't want to do that, and finances will improve here.
I am forcing myself to live on my income and to pay all I can on the debt load, and to not buy what I want but to wait until I can afford it, using credit foolishly is a big part of why I have so much of that "consumer debt" and why this house is so far from where it should be after this many years.
My priority list has not been a long term healthy one and I am working on changing that, but it will be a hard road for the next year, and I will do some whining as I go and now and then, probably back slide just a bit.
But it is my life and my future stability, and the house, and that is my roof and my space, so if it matters to me, then I can make the hard choices and keep a tight budget, pay down that blasted debt load, put more time into the landscaping and weeding so I can be proud of my place. I used to take a lot better care of my flower beds than I have in the past few years.
I am changing that, my place and being here, at my place is high on that list, this is where I like to be, and alone works well for me, I don't miss many people very much, and am not willing to become very emotionally involved with any man, there just is no space for that in my life, my heart, or my brains.
And I can sure live without the sex or the work men seem to take.