My new ride, Fraelsi

My new ride, Fraelsi
Fraelsi means Freedom in Farose

Sunday, January 31, 2010

This not sleeping well stuff is the pits...

I did go to sleep around 9:30, watched Star Trek dvd's until I was nodding off and had hoped I would sleep at least 4 hours. I took Tylonal and was comfortable--or as comfortable as I seem to get but was awake well before midnight.. foot itches and burns more than hurts, nerves tingle and 'crawl' and that isn't something like Tylonal 'fixes'. I think Bayer Back and Body helps some, know it's part of the healing, know I have to get through it and will.
My body hurts some from being in bed laying on my back or propped up that way, can't be on my side long, this stupid damaged foot won't tolerate that..great, my life seems to be under the control of my right foot...
Mike didn't call as he didn't want to wake me, I wasn't on line so he hoped I was asleep and just e-mailed me, he will load out of Albequerque some time tomorrow, not sure what direction he will be going, he will let me know. So far his brother Steve is winning the 'loose 20 pounds' contest they have going..we all do a lot of posting on Facebook, fun way to keep in touch for those of us that like the net.
Sister Lucy is having ups and downs, in the process of divorce, health issues and the man is elsewhere for work..not exactly sure which man this is...not the one she was so in love with a month ago..
But I have sure done my share of changing men in my life...and am not living her life...would not trade ever...
I will get through this accident and it's complications, will be sewing doll fashions and taking care of my garden, will be working my supply clerk job and paying my bills. In time Mike will relocate his trucking here and be based out of central IL instead of the southwest corner of Utah, and we will still talk a lot...I might not be able to go run jump into his arms, but his arms will still be there for me..this accident will slow me down in some ways but it will not stop me from living and enjoying my life.
I did take some Bayer Back and Body, am snacking on some crackers so hope to soon be back asleep for a couple more hours, eye appointment to replace my lost and probably badly broken glasses, will be nice to quit wearing safety glasses but at least I have them.
Maybe I can go to Albequerque for a few days after my first surgery, Nora and Mike's mom would love to have me, he might come get me for a few days, I sent a list of the yarn shops there..a change from my walls here. I can take the train from Galesburg right to Albequerque and the train is handicapped friendly. The cost isn't too bad either, about $200 round trip..we will split the costs probably.
Right now he can't afford to take off a week and fly out here, and with the accident I would not be skipping work. It will all depend on my medical team, I have not asked yet but Nancy thinks they won't allow it. My thinking is that is is very possible if I am ok after surgery and I set up dr. appointments so I don't miss any. I am not talking about a couple weeks, just a week or so, and I will be well cared for.
Well, ate my crackers, have my tea almost gone, guess I look this over and post it and hope the foot lets me get a bit more of that sleep stuff..

Broken bones, life on hold, nothing will ever be the same..

My little red truck is a mangled mess, my right foot has broken bones that might not ever be correctable, I am spending my hours down in bed with my right foot up, dealing with pain I have never had, not even with 2 kids born at home.
Today I decided to make cornbread, something I fix so often I don't need to look up directions, takes about 5 minutes to mix it up from scratch and then about 25 to out of the oven, split with knife, butter and honey and eat while hot. It took me 2 hours to end up with cornbread to eat and then I had help getting it out of the oven. I also ended up back in that bed, with that rigth foot back elevated, more, it's not my normal life any more and it won't be.
The face brusing is healing, I will replace the broken glasses and quit wearing my work safety glasses.
I will put money and work into this gold truck and have transportation I can depend on, but I loved my little red truck and have lost that forever, and I have no extended cab so I lost that space also. I need to pay Fischer Auto for the last of the bill on the brake work on the red truck..not sorry I had the needed brake work done..this accident was nothing I did wrong or didn't do that I should have.
From what I have learned, it was nothing more than a poor decision to pass another car, made by a man on his way to work on a 3rd shift job. He did not intend to die in an auto accident, he certainly did not intend to hurt others
or cause them problems.
But, his action of pulling into on-coming traffic when there was no chance to pass safely, and to not get back into his original lane was the cause of this accident. My actions of trying to slow down, of trying to get as close to off the paved road bed as I could might have reduced the damages we recieved, but the cold and hard facts are I was in a very severe accident. It has changed my life, my plans and schedule and will continue to impact my life, probably for the rest of my life.
This is Sunday, it's normally 1 of my most favorite days at work, maint will be busy, I have the floors to clean and office deliveries to make, make sure there is enough paper in the copy/post office room. Contractors through the plant doing what they do, sometimes equipment in and out through our back warehouse dock.
I'm in the boiler room coffee club, we all chip in to buy the coffee and filters, Sundays are often the only day I can get down to fill my cup, every other Sunday Carl McDaniels is the boilerman on watch and he always has the coffee going. He's a good man and I miss seeing him along with all the others that make up my routine.
I have been blessed with a job I love and go bouncing into work almost every day. I work with people I absolutely like being around and have management that I admire and really care about. I think I have the best bosses in the whole world..
And right now, every day, I am here at home, in bed, with my right foot up, 1 bone so badly shattered I don't know what if anything can be done medically to repair it.
I miss my job, the work, the management, the faces that make up my work world..I miss it from the time I wake up well before day light, I miss it as I am falling asleep at night.
I love my old house, this little bit of land it sits on, but the job and Cargill, that's what gives me balance, what pays for all I have and I take great pride in that I EARN my living and my way in life.
And now, today, I have no idea what I will have for income as I heal, how I will keep bills paid and food in the house. A disability check is not the same, it's money that will pay the bill but it does not feed my heart the way that earned paycheck has done. My emotional balance, my self sense of worth, all of that is tied up with that earn a paycheck and pay in my share of taxes.
This accident has taken that from me, maybe not for ever, but for now, I do not have the emotional security and sense of self worth that paycheck from Cargill has given me every day since I started work there.
I have not cried over this accident, I will not let myself cry over it, I am afraid if I start crying I won't stop. There is so much I hurt emotionally over, so much I have lost already with this addident. If I start cryiny I will fall into a dark hole I am not sure how I will climb back out.
I am afraid of how this will financially impact my keeping my bills paid, growing my savings, fixing my old house, paying down debt load. I'm afraid of how it will physically change my life. To never dance for joy, or hop and skip, to not run, roller skate, wear silly high heels I love. I might never run jump into someone's open arms--that was on my up coming schedule. Now I hope I don't trip over my walker stumbling to meet slim, dancing woman...and I am afriad I will stay mad and angry about the last minute choices of a man now dead...
I am afraid of the up-coming surgery, not the surgery but it's that being put under with no one here to be my anchor to hold onto. My friend Nancy will take me but she doesn't have or understand my fears, She doesn't know how that dark terrifies me, a dark I am afraid of going into and not being able to find my way out to the light.
I should be looking for dormant oil to spray the plum trees with in the next couple weeks, it needs done while they are dormant but I now can't do that job. I need to be planning the garden and what goes where, what I am goint to start from seed so I can have those special plants. But I cannot do that this year, I plan a garden, I will have some sort of garden, for me, for friends and neighbors, but it won't be the garden I had planned last fall.
How do I measure the changes in my life? The cost of not getting stuff done that was on my list, the saddles not oiled and put away, the doll outfits not made and sold, the house chores I can't do, the friends old I can't visit, the cookie boxes to the Marine and his platoon I am not making?? What price can you put on this stuff?? HOw can you know what each of these and all the other things means to me??
How do I explain my happiness and joy at going to work every day??
And how do I keep facing another day in this bedroom with my right foot up, not knowing how many more days and weeks I will be laid up, waiting on healing?
I know I am strong and determined and will get through this battle and survive. But it's not a battle of my chosing or of my doing and being mad at a dead man I never met doesn't gain me much peace at this moment

So, I keep on updating

It seems that boy has grown into an amazing man--and single and did know the rest of tht poem he had written many years in the past. He's runnng his own business in the southwest, he makes me laugh, I don't have a clue why this is our time, 37 years ago was not our time, nor was 33 years ago but now is..and we are working on building something that bridges years and a lot of miles, a huge amount of miles some days..
Life here was looking really good, the tax return was filed, Ben was still here at the house and he and I, along with his gal pal were off to play in Springfield, on my day off.
I have to admit I love that having Thursdays and Fridays off, and taking Tamera with us to Springfield for a few errends, a meal out and time to get to know this girl my #2 son is fond of, oh, ya, great Thursday for me, Jan 14..a few $ so I could afford to feed all of us, custom coffee cups to pick up at a shop in the mall, a couple things on my silly list including a bag of bread flour at GFS...and home by a reasonable time...nothing wrong with the plans, solid little truck I keep putting work into, fixing, taking care of.
The son I am closest to, the first gal pal he's ever found important enough to bring into Mom's life..ok weather for this time of year, laid back time schedule because I have Thursdays and Fridays off...did let Mike know we were off to play, had the TracFone with us, but not my Net tablet...Ben had the current David Weber book in hand, and it was a great afternoon.
OK, so the shop didn't have the cups done--cups that were ordered several weeks before and now were 2 weeks late in being ready--but they got done while we mall crawled--ok, so the coloring was a bit pink but the lettering was good..2 matching cups with photo of the Jake, Ben and I on them, 1 for me, 1 for that boy from the past..and then off to the east side of town for Asian buffet, cuz it's really good and I was feeding a guest..then to Wal-Mart, bluetooth for the laptop, wow, Star Trek Voyager season 1 for $20, and season 2, ok, a bit more but I am collecting and a Trekkie....then head home, first to my house to go through the sock yarn stash for yarn for socks for Tamera, then take yer on up to Rushville...
We were west bound, a fair amount of traffic, close to 9:30 at night, I wasn't thinking about 3rd shift people heading into work, just wasn't thinking about why there would be such heavy traffic at that time of night, knew we were running around 55, not much more, cars behind us but none close in front at that time..dry or slightly wet in spots roads..good traveling....
The traffic east bound was steady, not much gaps, when the 2nd car coming east pulled into the west bound lane, to pass the car ahead of him?? I don't know, I just knew we were in a shit load of trouble, traffic moving too fast, car right behind me, too much slope and soft, if I take the truck off the side I will turn it over and hurt the kids.....just seconds and then I was in the hospital, cold, bright lights, voices, hurting all over--Nude!!!now, that paniced me a second, warm blankets tucked around me..where were the kids??? Were my kids alright...I need on line, need facebook to let Mike know we are ok,,no phone # with me, no cell phone and NO, I do not remember or know phone ###...and no idea what happened after I saw the car pull into the west bound lane and thought I had a shit load of trouble heading my way...
Tamera has broken bones in her face, it could have been far worse, she is also afraid in a car at night, gets panic attacks..not a bit of fun and is afraid of surgery to repair the broken bones. But she lived, she is alive and will heal, will deal with the emotional trauma and fears.

Ben, that boy got his friend out of our mangled truck, got his mom's legs freed and her to the passenger side, worked on trying to calm that mom as help arrived and the pros came to do their job. His sternium got cracked, he got some brusing, he is not staying at Mom's taking care of 24, he is not doing much living his own life but taking care of mom...

too long without posting and too much has happened

I should have posted here when Jake was here for Chirstmas, and I had a house full of tall and loud sons was a great week, had some time off with that tall Marine, Ben came to stay and be able to spend time with Jake, Bryon came over to bug Mom and spend time with Jake, he visited Kim..did the bar crawl 1 night..his saddles are still on mom's bedroom floor, still needing oiled and stored.
I baked and made fudge and Jake took back about 16 pounds of goodies to share with 'our' platoon...and a pair if hand knit socks he won't be sharing.
It was great having my tall baby home, that boy is now just over 6'3" and stands tall, at just over 150 he needs a few pounds to cover all those long and lanky bones, is maddly in love with his SAW which I understand is a very big and heavy Gun that can cut down trees...
Jake's dad and step mom are selling out the farm and moving to the Phillipines this June so Jake has to move everything here he wants to keep, including his not running right 1961 Studibaker Lark....

Then there was the maintenence guys gabbing at the storeroom window, like they will do if there is more than 1 of them there-about Facebook and looking up old pals and school mates..and me running the name of that boy from the past through Facebook.
Jake is why I had a Facebook account, and that boy from the past, I hadn't found him through Google or the Mormon church stuff I could place to look for a Mormon boy--or so I thought....
Facebook is fun, and there were 4 guys with that name but only 1 that had a daughter also named Stormy, only 1 that went to school at Roaring Fork, only 1 who had JD for another facebook friend--so 4 lines of an old poem and a question asking if he knew the rest..
I didn't want to make any waves in his life, just wanted to know if he was alive and doing life here in IL is so good, I am finally able to say I am 'home' and belong. I really like my old house and my funky life here, the crazy hours I keep with work, the job as supply clerk in the 3 rd slot..the garden and flower beds which bloom and grow maddly for me..didn't want to make any waves with that very special boy from the past, just wanted to know he was alive and ok...