My new ride, Fraelsi

My new ride, Fraelsi
Fraelsi means Freedom in Farose

Thursday, December 30, 2010

End of the year and schedules

I will be so glad when 2010 ends and the new year gets started. This has been the most painful, most stressful, most emotionally devastating year I have lived through and yes, I will be glad to see it end.
I swapped work days with the other 2nd shift clerk so he could have New Year's Eve off to play and will have Monday off, thought that would give me and that guy both Monday off, gee, normally he would be off Monday, works this weekend, but he's working as someone else needs Monday off, it's a small # of people that do that job, they, just like supply, work each others hours when needed.
So much for some quality time, rats, oh well, it's coffee at work again.
I think we need to exchange written work schedules so we can manage some Out of Plant time. And we both need to accept we cannot control or change the 'helpers' we have at work. We don't stick our noses into their personal lives but they do think they need to 'help' us, suggest, you name it. I figured it out a long time ago, I don't control other people, what they do, what they say and I sure can't stop them so I tune them out for the most part. They aren't paying my bills and are not living my life.
My accident, and it's effect on me, my body, my pain issues has really changed my world. And it has changed what I will or will not accept into my off work time. I have far too much on my shoulders to take on some 'needy' person. And, yes, I do get to decide what that defines, not the other person. It is my life, I almost lost it, I've had it changed drastically by the action of people I do not, did not know.
That's the reality, Mark Young and his wife had marriage problems, and a bitter argument on Jan. 14, 2010. So, he left for work, driving her car, in a very stressed state of mind, for a 3rd shift job. My day off and I had chosen to take Ben and Tamara to Springfield and we were returning home when Mark Young, still in an obvious upset, not paying close attention to his driving, state of mind, chose to pass 2 cars at high speed when traffic conditions made that an extremely unsafe, unwise decision. He hit my truck head on, going at high speed and he's dead.
My life is forever changed, I can't change it back and it was not my choice or my decision or my fault.
Tough luck, life goes that way, learn to live with what I have for a real life now. And after almost 3 months back at work, no, it won't get a lot better for me and my foot. I will limp, I will have pain, always, sometimes minor, sometimes moderate, sometimes pain that has me wanting to curl up some where and cry. But I am able to work and earn a living, keep my health insurance and slowly fix my financial mess and my old house.
But there's no space for fixing other people's problems or carrying their weight in life. There's not place for anyone with their own life a mess that could or would become problems or stress in mine. Not even as pals or friends. Yes, I will talk with people, yes I am still on 'good terms' with some but I don't have time for them, they want me to do something, it has to be on my time, my place, my terms.
No, don't ask me to go out of my way to do something for you, not load that bike and haul it to the buyer's house. It's a huge job for me to get the bike out of my own house and load it in my truck. Think about it, and decide you can do something different, even offering to come and load the bike in the truck would have gone over far better.
No, don't tell me your problems and battles with the place we both work and want me to take your side, keep me out of it, it's not my battle and I do not want or need involved. I don't drag anyone into my issues and problems, they are mine and I will deal with them.
And yes, I will make time for that guy I have coffee with, who is not trying to add to the weight on my shoulders, who does understand the mess I feel my life is in, that I do not have a lot left for a relationship with him but we can both work with what we both have to offer/want and ignore the 'helpers' at plant.
I will not do lunch out with DH, we are not dating, and his giving people at work, who gossip and gossip with maintenance crew, the impression that we are romantically involved has gotten him on my list of people I have little association with. It's made it into the boiler room, that damn talk and the boiler man and I talked about it, he knew I had dated DH ages past, gee, I dated that boiler man in the, crew, we do know each other, quit helping~~~
But I don't need it being suggested that I have several 'playmates' or that I am playing head games with the boiler man or am just fishing for any man I can catch.
And I will get through the next month, the hopefully last appointment with my foot specialists and hopefully State Farm and I will within the first quarter of 2011 get the insurance settlement done, the medical bills off my back and I will start feeling a little less stress and pressure on me.
I have my tax software already installed and have started putting in my information so I can file very early and will hopefully be able to get rid of some of the debt load with the tax return.
I am slowly gaining but this week's mail brought more medical bills from the accident. I don't know what or how but will make sure State Farm looks into them closely as I don't see part of my settlement going to billing errors and with medical bills, there are a lot of 'billing errors' that insurance companies end up paying for services and stuff that was never done.
Long year, a lot of hard battles and hard emotional issues and it's not over yet. But I am getting there, and some things are behind me, so in ways, I am moving on and know it will work out.
At least I don't have someone else drilling holes in the boat while telling me they are going to build me a nice big shining new boat...
And that guy I have coffee with--called this morning and I definitely let him know it's on my game plan to get him pealed out of his clothes the first opportunity we both have for that, and he laughed and agreed we need to work on schedules. It's going to be a good 2011, even if he's working Monday and that sinks that pealing project we both hoped we would get to.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Hurting a lot. . . .

But I worked my 8 hours, got some 'housekeeping' done, was a quiet shift, and appreciated that. Ben's out and about, didn't show up and bring Kid in. It's cold but warmed enough the parking lot at work is mostly clear, they did plow but a lot was that solar power, black paving and sun melts snow and thin ice fast.
Julie's socks are done and I have started sleeves to a doll sweater in lace yarn on 1.5 mm needles. I can tell the sweater will grow slowly, I think it took almost 2 hours to knit the cuffs to the sleeves.
It's good to be home with Kid, tv and books, my knitting and no one to put demands on me or expect me to cook, clean or cater to them. Hart and I talked a few minutes about that dating stuff and hurting, I just don't have much time to give and when I hurt, I do not need or want to deal with anyone. The birds and dog are plenty of work and company for me most of the time. My pals on maint. have a good idea of how hard my work shifts get and how bad I hurt some times. They are glad I am back at work and many do what they can to make my work shifts easier, less walking, carry the parts for me, little things.
Tylonal helps some but some pain is just going to be a normal part of my life, every day. I am alive, I am working, I am slowly picking up the pieces of my life. A few more days and I will be into 2011 and hope to have a better year.
Finances are snug but the tax return will help, and every month I gain a bit on the medical bills. And sometime in the next couple months I should see the accident settlement done and have those medical bills off my back. I feel like I have a lot of 'monkeys' on my back at times.
A long and hard year but it's almost done. And I am going to get through the next couple months and spring will be coming soon or so I tell myself.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Snow, cold and quiet days...

It's snowed, and not only is it cold outside but I have the curent cold bug going around the plant. I did run errends with Ben Thursday and have been home and inside since. Did bake bread yesterday and made a pot of chili for meals here. Ben's been in and out, Kid's enjoyed having Ben around to play with too, Kid loves loads of people attention. I'm planning a hot bath and then into bed, will set the alarm for sometime before 4 am, it should be an easy day for me in plant, last Sunday of the month usually is. Not sure how many hours I will be putting in, but it will be ok, I like Sunday's in plant, maint, sometimes contractors and quiet so I can get cleaning done and I can get caugth up on some other 'housekeeping' type chores there.
Jake called and said it seemed strange to have warm weather for Christmas, the rain had stopped but thought it might be coming back, enjoying a couple days liberty and his feet were cosy in his newest pair of Mom made socks.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Ba Hum Bug

1 more work shift and then off for 3 days, some errands to run, some baking to do and a lot of quiet down time for me. My body needs the down time but the hours go faster often when I am working and there's no time for me to brood or be sad.
I miss Ben being around but am glad it's just the brids, Kid and me. I struggle to take care of me and my dog, my parrots, there's no way I need or want to take care of anyone else or deal with their problems.
And that hurting so much and not pushing myself hard here at home is part of that being very glad I am not involved with anyone who puts demands on me of any kind. Between the physical pain and the emotional hurting I am still having there's just not much quality 'Maggie' to share with anyone.
The trust stuff is at the lowest point I have probably ever been but I am quite fine with that for now, no one is pushing me to trust them either, at this time. It's almost 1 am and I need to be in bed and asleep, we have a storm coming in and I hope most of the world stays away and just lets me have peace and quiet. I don't enjoy all the commercial push and media brain washinig this time of year.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Some things can't be explained. . .

Or maybe I just won't least not to red hats and blue hats... It was just a cup of coffee, and trading my cup for 1 out of the boiler room...I'm not explaining any comments made by the delivery service, or why my face got so red...but needless to say, I will be a long time dealing with the entertainment the guys are having.
And I am eating my Sunday lunch in the boiler room every Sunday until the cafeteria renovations are done, as most of the work is being done after 10 pm on week days and all day Sundays. I'm not battling the constructions or the contractors that are doing the work. Some red hatted idiots want to make something about it, go ahead. I might get a bit red faced but I can live with that, they need entertainment I guess.
And that new work sweater has gone to work and it's great, comes off easily over my bump cap, is comfortable to wear and came out of the washer and dryer looking good. It's on the wooly board to finish drying and I will do photos.
Yesterday's pork tenderloin in the crock pot was today's lunch, along with the herbed potatoes and tonight some of that meat went into the rice cooker with some jasmine rice. I like sticky rice or asian rice varieties better than I do long grained rice. It's a bit more expensive but it's my budget.
And I got my cap knit, think I need to turn some more left over sweater yarn into caps. But Julie's socks get finished first. Jake's socks are on their way to him, and he's back at base, we talked and laughed last night.
He does think there was brain damage from the accident, that explains why I now have a big dog that needs a lot of exercise. And that big dog and I played tug with his rope toy while I talked to Jake. Ya, must be that accident that explains the dog, will use that excuse for him being spoilt also.
Oh, that delivered coffee, the cup belongs to 1 of the maint guys that doesn't work Sundays and it's brightly colored and reads Viagra in big print..the supervisor who was down in supply will have fun with that, he thinks well of me, and of the 'delivery boy' who brought the coffee.
My house sits on a very busy street corner, my neighbor south is in maint at the plant on 3rd shift and thinks well of me, gossips, my neighbor on my north also thinks well of me, doesn't gossip that I know of but is also now maint. supervisor in our plant. From their house you can easily see if anyone is parked in my back parking area with my truck, or if my truck is one is here visiting, I am not gone much except to work so hopefully the gossips won't create a lot of talk..oh, heck, there will be speculation no end..we are 2 single people who know each other outside of, now the talk will start up again...and I will get teased. And nothing is going on..our schedules don't match, we live too far apart, it's too cold to go out much, I can't be gone overnight, I have Kid to think about. . . . .
But he's watched me start that blue sweater that was cut off me in that accident, and now he's the guy who's impressed with the work in the replacement and who understands right now my life seems to have no solid ground, no patterns, no routine and balance and I'm not able to give much or put much into more than I have going now.
And he knew bringing the coffee would create attention and talk, but he brought me a fresh cup of coffee anyway. And made me laugh, I got the joke, why that was the cup he 'borrowed' instead of any of the others sitting on the fridge in the boile rroom office. We'll see what the next couple months bring, hopefully I will soon get that last doctor's appointment done, and the insurance settlement done. It won't be long before it's tax time, and Jake's leave, get through the anniversary of that accident, and moving on with rebuilding my life. Maybe there will be time for more than coffee, outside the plant, without all the audience....

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Day off work. .. .

So, I'm off work today and it's cold and gray outside. I am making good progress on the blue sweater, 1 more pattern repeat and then knit 3 inches of ribbed cuff on the last sleeve, work in the ends and it's ready for a bath and to be dried and blocked.
And I have 2 balls of lace weight yarn waiting to knit a couple doll sweaters. I need to deal with the damaged electrical outlet in the kitchen and I will get it dealt with today and then see if the microwave is dead or will work.
I need to deal with the christmas cards and have some bills to put in order, insurance paperwork to get in order and mailed. The dishes need washed, laundry need dealt with, floors need swept and hopefully I will get something done today.
Kid wants to play and the house is a bit small for his romping and being wild dog. I might bundle up and take him for a walk, but it depends on what I get done and how the weather goes today.
I'm still working on getting through this year, I know there are many people in this world who have had far worse years, Haiti has not been a good place to live this past year, I am far better off than people living there.
And my sister Lucy hasn't had the best year either, it's not the same sort of year I have had but it's been hard and challenging for her too.
I might be many years working out all the kinks and the problems this year has brought and my right foot/leg will never get it all worked out. But I will work through this challenge and I will survive. I will never be the same woman I was before the accident, I am not able to explain all the ways it's changed me but there are changes that I have to learn to live with and that I have to adapt to in some ways.
Had to deal with some dishonesty and deception in someone I had for years envisioned as being different than he really was. I did not know him well when we were young and the lives we have lead have contributed greatly into the people we have become. I am certainly not the person he thought I was, and I expect I also 'let him down' in who I have become.
All the years I have lived, the choices I have made, good and bad, are what has made me into the person I am now. And I am a WORTHWHILE person, a strong and capable person who pays their bills on time, who works their job to the best of their abilities and who has picked up the pieces of life more than once and will do it this time also.
Jake posted on my wall so now I have an address to send a box, looks like an address for a wife of someone in his platoon. I will have to finish up his socks and get a box together with his current mail and maybe some cookies or some goodie. I've missed being able to send Jake and his pals boxes.
Well, the mail jeep has come and gone so I need to go check the mail and get back to that blue work gansey. It will be great to have it done and be able to wear it to work.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

cold winds and hard work shifts

That midwest storm is blowing through here, we've had some rain but so far no snow or ice. But it's cold bitter winds outside and both Kid and I are glad for a warm house and a job that give me a paycheck to pay that utility bill, buy our food and even allow us tv and goodies.
It wasn't really cold today in the storeroom and warehouse but I was really busy and pushed myself hard and fast. My damaged foot does NOT appreciate my trying to walk fast, so I came home with a lot of pain and am keeping my cane handy as I need it a lot. Hopefully tomorrow I won't push myself quite as hard, I can't work on receiving on Sundays so that should help soon.
I know there is stuff we need, parts that maint. might need tomorrow so tried to get as much of the waiting freight checked in and put away but I dont' think I made a very big dent.
The blue sweater is looking good, the 2nd sleeve is now past the purl rib that separates the upper patterns from the lower and I have worked over 2 sets of the lower pattern and once both sleeves are the same length I will try it on again and decide how much longer the sleeves need to be before I do the cuffs.
I want to start the purple sweater soon and I also have yarn coming for several doll sweaters, and have a skein of yarn I bought Thursday for doll sweaters. I think spending the winter tucked in and knitting, reading, watching movies is a great idea. I have to go to work, and do some shopping, some bill paying but think other than the 'have to' I will hibernate this winter.
Know my life is going ok, am content and like my life, do a lot of laughing, Kid is funny, he's gotten so big, I had to loosen his collar again but he still thinks he should be allowed to crawl onto my lap. He's not big enough to put a saddle on yet but it's a thought if he doesn't quit growing.
A couple of the guys in maint have me laughing too, it's a joke that we 'get' but not everyone would. They are part of my weekend crew, part of the boiler room coffee club and I'm glad to have them as part of my work world.
I need to get busy with writing my annual christmas letter, should have done it on my days off, might work on it tomorrow after work.
Kid says it's time to go out for him, think it's soon going to be bedtime, we are up early here on Sunday mornings

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Gansey Progess

I know it's a ways from done but the sun was shining in the south window so I decided the light was good for photos. I am pleased with the fit of the sweater, have fretted a bit about the fit of the sleeves but it's working well. I will work the ends in today and maybe even pick up the 2nd sleeve. I have the first sleeve almost to the point of changing it to the lower body pattern.
And I am thinking 1 in a greenish color might also make a 'dirt hiding, work sweater color' but right now I don't have the funds for yarns.
I do have all 7 seasons of star trek voyager now to watch while I knit, and am enjoying seeing the progress. It's not fast but I am pleased.
It should be a real busy shift tonight and then I have 2 days off, a GYN appointment in Springfield tomorrow morning that I forgot about but Julie might go with me and I have the knitting, might come home by way of Jackonville and show off the sweater at the shop where I bought the yarn.
Now it's time to get busy with that knitting...

Monday, December 06, 2010


It's December's first Monday, it's about 18 degrees outside, blue skies, some clouds, some wind, and my Star Trek Voyager DVD set should be here today. But I have work this afternoon..rats, rats...

Sat and did the bill paying thing I did not do this past Friday because I was at Cargill working for double time. Now I still need to do the math and balance the checkbook and decide what else needs done.

Jake called yesterday, about 4 hours out of Hawaii and let me know his leave was on hold, hoped I did not already buy his plane tickets, no, had been waiting for a 2nd call to make sure about dates and times. He thinks maybe in Feb or March, it's the military, in the Marines stuff, Mom knows, wants a workable mailing address, please.

Celtic Women are going to be in Peoria 4/28 and tickets go on pre-sale this week, and I think I will buy 1 and go. Had such a great time when I went before, love their music so think I will do it again.

I bought a doll knitting pattern for a cabled, hooded sweater and then ordered some lace weight yarn to knit with, 3 skeins so that gives me enough for some fun play. I won't work with it until my work gansey is done, I know me, I would get busy with playing with doll knitting and then not have my much wanted work sweater and it's going to be time to be wearing it at work.

Greg took the hose down to the maint shop and repaired it for me, now it doesn't leak and has a new swivel and is such an improvement, and Chris cleaned the drains that run through the storeroom floors so now when I do hose and clean our floors, the water drains away much faster and so doing floors every Sunday is a much easier job.

I love our maint guys, or something like that. Most are great to deal with, treat me with patience and good attitudes and rarely make my work shift more difficult. I hope our new dept head does understand the stock needs for some of the stuff we seem to be out of so often. It makes their jobs harder when we don't have some of the parts they need, over and over. Stop buttons are hard plastic, screw on and off and break, there are these all over the plant, think about every piece of equipment has 1, so we have an empty bin most of the time, get them in 1 at a time or maybe as many as 3.

And caulk, we are out of caulk most of the time, maint should not have to send someone to the local hardware store for caulk or a simple 110 outlet, you name it..

But life's pretty good in my world here. Not perfect but there is food in the house, the bills keep being paid on time, the job is going ok, the co-workers are being as human as they can be, LOL, and Kid loves me, even if I am in the kitchen with the laptop and he can't get close enough to be happy.

The work gansey is growing well, I can now try it on and like the fit, working the first sleeve and have to knit 3+ inches before I can tell if I picked up enough stitches or if I have to rip back and start again. But so far, I think it's enough...going to love that sweater, going to brag on that sweater and the crew at work know it.