Failed the WebMD depression test...

but I passed the gas company inspection..1 of the men had been here before I owned the house and was pleased with the new furnace location..it would have been red tagged IF it had not been relocated. The new set-up was inspected and approved as was my stove connection..so now I have a new gas meter.
and I don't know why I decided to do the WebMD depression test...but I was not suprised at the fact that I have 'depression problems' some of it's seasonal, some of it's my poor life choices..and so forth...but my life is livable..I do get things done, I am trying to eat better..I get the laundry done, dishes washed..the house is not filthy..I make it to work and do my job duties..admit there are times I would prefer to NOT have time off as work is my escape from facing my life and issues...I admit I hide at work...have done that for a long time...
But I keep the bills paid, I am not drinking..I am not escaping into fantasy worlds or books..at least not often.
The doll dresses I need for gift exchanges are getting made..I am walking the dog outside and know that is good for both of us...I will be glad to get the holidays done and behind me. I am looking forward to Jake's leave..but don't have any big thrill with holidays and am glad to be working this Friday and next as receiving clerk..the extra $ will be nice and I will be glad to have something to do besides figure out how to fill my hours here at home.
I do know my life isn't that bad..don't feel it is..but I still miss what Miguel and I had--or maybe, more honestly, I miss what I thought we had..miss the meals we fixed together..think those almost 5 years were the healthiest I have eaten since I quit living with my grandparents...and we shared the garden..oh, man, I sure miss his joy in the garden..and ya, miss the sex, the warm and caring man who made sure I had my splints on when my carpal tunnel was acting up..and who fixed me tea and sinus meds when I had sinus headaches..
I know that is part of my problems..still grieve over that lost..don't have any guilt issues there, accept that I made the right choices, know he did the right thing to return to Mexico and his marriage there..know I have a really good life here and the old house is slowly improving and that I am better off here in Beardstown IL than I would be if I was in Green City MO..
Life here really does work good for me..but, God, I miss that occasionally foolish, not honest about some very important issues man I sent back to Mexico over 4 years ago.
And I cry because missing him in my life still hurts a lot..and it's ok to miss him..I did the right thing, I made the right choices..hard ones, ones that still hurt at times--but the right choices...
So, I will work at paying down my debt load, and fixing up this old house, and sewing for my dolls and piecing quilt tops and watching my little bit of sand and silt improve and grow and flurish...and I will have ups and downs..but I will keep on working at doing what I need to do..and it will be ok...
I don't need some pills to help me get through this..I don't need it fixed...I can function and enjoy my life..I'm just not happy very often..I don't have wonderful dreams of what the future could be...but I am ok with life...
A cup of hot chocolate and tuck myself into bed..the alarm is set and I have to be in plant and at work by 8:30 and receiving clerk is a lot of brain work and busy...it's good for me...and I will come home to my dolls and silly dog and life that really is a very good life..despite the leaking roof problems

Rains and more Rains...

As soon as I find Noah and we find where he parked that Ark, it's time to caulk the seams, muck out the mess, and get ready for floods....the roof will probably leak on the ark too....
The garden is tilled, worked in a lot of leaves from Chuck and Alberta's yard, very handy and Chuck said he appreciated me taking the leaves and returning the bags for re-use.
I am off tomorrow and Ameren-Cips is coming to change the gas meter so I am very glad the furnace is moved. It would have been red tagged if it had not been moved..not a nice time of year for that, it's cold and wet and I want my heat.
Casey did finally talk to me, seems he's of the opinion I am the one who made the choice to --oh, whatever---I talked to him more than once about my feeling about him messing with my stuff and it continued...snooped through all my dresser drawers, changed setting in the cell phone and computer, 'sorted and organized' my jewlry and all the while made sure I could NOT shake down his things..so I have NO doubt he considered it wrong and a violation if I was to snoop/shake down his things..
I told him I changed the locks because he would not leave my stuff alone..I would not have my stuff 'investigated' or be spied on...I did not do such things to him and it was not acceptable for him to do that to me...he was sitting in his car and parked in the parking lot across the street...
No, it is not my fault he would not keep his blasted hands out of my things, no it is not my doing that he cannot be trusted to not mess with things that do not belong to him..that is his doing, and I do not have to tolerate it. And saying 'I'm sorry' does little when he continues to repeat the offensive actions...
I did call Dish and have service started and am enjoying that...and I am working on the doll outfits I need for Christmas exchanges, 1 dress is ready for hand work, 2 are ready for me to put the skirt to the bodice..once they are done or at least on the desk for hand work I can play with what I want.
I do a lot of looking at dolls I don't need and don't have room for...know it doesn't help the finances, know the bills/debt load need paid down so I can get roof work done...get so discouraged at times but know my life is really very good and God does take great care of me..just feel so alone at times..and walk a close line between ok and depression more often than I am comfortable with

November starts with sunshine...

And it's about time, I have gotten some of the much needed work done outside, finally..don't have the garden area tilled up but at least the sidewalk is cleaned up and ready for shoveling the snow off. The front south flowerbed has been cleaned up and I also worked on the one along the south side of the garden.
I have worked on setting some quilt blocks I was given together and just need to make 2 more to go with what I have and then that can be put away until I am ready to border it out and do something with it...
I did finally find the mis-placed Patchwork Pansy doll pattern and now have that in a notebook with other same sized doll patterns. Bread got baked today, the dog got a bath..not bad for my day off work..and I am doing ok, for the most part.
MY pap smear came back 'abnormal' and I have an appointment with specialist next month..I am not at all pleased with that, would like the pap smear done again first just to rule out lab errors, know at my stage of life/menopausal age that could be the issue..but the appointment is made, I will deal with that and whatever comes after. I am not worried about what might show up..whatever is there is There, worry won't change that. I an annoyed that I have to deal with people I don't know touching me, that I have to undergo the sort of stuff that female exams are..hate that stuff and know the exam room will probably be very chilly for me and stress and nerves will have me chilled anyway as will December. I have a dental appointment for cleaning that morning so the whole day will be ugly..great use of a day off work..ok, so I don't miss time at work and miss pay...and I will do what needs done..and survive it...but it still stinks..
I am done with 1 more sock for the Marine and the mate is close to done..just a inch or 2 of ribbing and bind it off, work the ends in and ship them off...and start another pair...
Don't see Casey, he hasn't called, I don't see him drive by now..it's for the best, I know but I miss him and am feeling like I failed once again...and I hate that part of it. I do KNOW that I didn't fail at anything--but knowing and feeling some days are a long ways apart.
I am getting stuff more settled and in place in my sewing space. It's very workable for me and I do enjoy it, need it to survive life...if I have to make a choice between a man and sewing space, I will have the sewing space and cry about the man..

Rain and sewing space...

The house now has new front door locks, and a curtain on the front door..something I didn't feel the need for until very recently...
The weather is wet and cool, gray skies and leaves falling fast. I am off the next 2 days and plan to spend a lot of that time in my sewing space and get some doll things done and also work on a partially done quilt top that is giving me guilt feelings every time I see it--several times a day...
Work continues to be an on-going soap opera..warehouse trucker was dis-qualified and goes back to kill floor, he's not the only one who has done damage back there...but I do think we will have less damage with him gone and less unsafe situations...
Casey has done a lot of driving around this corner of town on his time off. . .he's seen me come home from work Sunday, pal Nancy and I out with the dogs later Sunday, son Ben on my front porch Sunday evening..the house is secure from him, I still need to put a lock on the utility space doors, they are outside but have a lock and will do that today...
I cannot control or change other people or their actions, but I can do what needs done to feel secure in my own space and to have peace in my own home He can play spy, he can snoop all he wants to. But he no longer has access to my computers, my drawers, or my house and I do know he cares for me, but what he does and has done to my rights of privacy and security is in conflict with my way of living and treating others...and with my beliefs of right and wrong..and since he very carefully secures his own things so no one can snoop through them..tells me he absolutely knows it's wrong..
Life will work out..I am a bit blue but won't stay that way..will sew and knit and play with my silly dolls...

Sewing Space. . .

I actually have a real working space again. It's tiny compared to what I had in MO but it is a dedicated work space for my sewing..and it will improve with time and use..today it gained the small white book shelf I built over 24 years ago from scrap lumber. That got cleaned up and gained small casters and I am starting to sort and fold fabrics to stack on the shelves.
CADD has a Halloween 'party' in the making and this time I am involved. Jane did a simple dress pattern, and a cape pattern also and sent it to all of us who wanted to sew dresses for 'our cyber Halloween party". I have 2 done and am on the 3rd. I am tweaking the pattern to end up with 4 very different looks, not just different fabrics..so my 4 Tonner girls will all have new dresses that I have made and they won't look alike.
It's raining again and the bedroom ceiling is leaking over in the north east area. With smaller paychecks I will have to tighten spending a lot as the sooner I am able to afford replacing at least the west half of the roof the better off the house and I will be.
I am also feeling the need to change the locks on the front door and I got a magnetic curtain rod and made a simple white muslin curtain and have that up so no one can peer in the house...
I have solid reasons to believe that Casey is coming in the house when I am asleep or gone..and he's not supposed to have a key anymore. He likes to spy..and snoop..I don't enjoy his snooping or spy games..or feeling that someone is sneaking in un-invited...so a change in locks will fix that..and tonight I have something setting in front of the door to fall over if the door is opened...and a curtain to keep peering eyes out...if the little plastic table hits the floor and wakes me up--that will be the end of any relationship with that man...

cold October

October had come and brought cold weather with it. I am already whining, I now have a small puppy to house train and he is not impressed with cold either but is doing well with the trips outside to do his potty business.
Work hours have changed for our department so I will be seeing 36 hours for the for-seeable future and have cut my payroll savings and will keep a tighter budget and will work on turning some of that fabric stash into doll clothes and quilt tops.
Casey is getting settled in his now clean and NO room mates apartment, between my hour changes and his getting moved back into his apartment we have not had much time together but I know this house is far too small at this time for us to share and our different hours make stress issues too.
I do have a better sewing area, the lighting went in yesterday evening, the furnace being in the utility area under the house means the bedroom is far quieter, in fact the whole house is far more quiet and I hope that the heat is far better balanced in the house and the floors less cold. I won't know if it will cut my heating costs and won't for a year or so, but even if it does not reduce the costs, the quiet and more space in my bedroom is worth the cost and work.
Jake hasn't called for over a week, but I did get a pair of socks done and cookies to go with them and posted yesterday also. I will be soon starting another pair of socks for that boy, another pair with colored feet and long black legs, makes more fun knitting for me, easier to see and uses up less black and boring yarns. . .and I need to find time to work on my 2 sweaters I have in progress..and want to wear this winter.
It's bed time, I am days Saturday and Sunday so that makes for early mornings for this old woman. the split schedule works well for me but not for Casey, but changing my job or hours for him would be a poor choice at this time.

Love Hot Water

After dealing with water heater problems for 4+ months the house now has a new water heater and I no longer have un planned, unwanted cool or cold showers! It didn't take long to disconnect the old one, took longer waiting at True Value for the new one to get off the freight truck that was late.
It took a long time to get it home with Casey, first it's McDonalds for food, then it's go see cars, just 5 minutes, ya, right. Then stop and talk with landlord about condition of Casey's apartment--my making sure responsibilities are taken care of and then the water heater to the house, move the old out out of the way, get the new one out of pickup, and into utility area. Get it out of the box and then in the place it belongs, connect the water lines, connect the electrical wiring, get Casey to go turn on the breaker...listen to make sure it's working and go wait for hot water and a shower. . .
Now I have the old one almost out of my under the house utility area, and with luck the local metal recuclers will take it away for me. . . I can hope and have it easy to pick up and see what happens for a few days.
I will be finishing Jake's most recent pair of socks, with long black legs but these have blue feet, from left over yarn...he will like them.
Work has some interesting issues, including a cart that was damaged by either the other 2nd shift store room clerk or the warehouse trucker working at that time...I feel certain it was the other storeroom clerk who is working hard to shift the blame onto the trucker. . .
Casey should have his apartment clean and able to move his stuff back in and get settled in, the other living there didn't have everything out when we checked yesterday and the place was filthy..we hope it's ready to start the cleaning today and will go check once Casey is awake and ready to do that..coffee is ready so suppose it's time to see if he is ready to join the world of the living...