My new ride, Fraelsi

My new ride, Fraelsi
Fraelsi means Freedom in Farose

Thursday, May 09, 2019

Mother’s Day!

     Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers in my world, those I know, those I’m related to, those that do all that stuff that needs done and rarely get a pat on the back or given credit for what they do.
     Happy Mother’s Day to my only daughter, who gave birth to 4 children but didn’t parent them through their growing years.  I know I didn’t always set a good example, I know I wasn’t mature enough when you were born, and didn’t have very good guidance to help me learn better parenting skills.
     I didn’t provide the stability or standard of living that would have provided you with a better foundation but I did the best I could and the best I knew how to.  I made a lot of foolish decisions and chose relationships that were not good for either of us far too often.  But I did all I could to try and set good values, ethics and protect you from harm.
      And you made choices and picked your own direction in life, I helped you pick up the pieces a couple times, which is also part of being a parent, and when you told me to get out of your life and stay out, I did that too.  But I never quit caring or loving you or praying that your life is good, that you are healthy, happy and doing well.
     I can’t build a bridge that I didn’t burn or tear down, it takes 2 for that to happen and it’s not something you want, so I wish you well and hope life is good for you.
     Happy Mother’s Day to my oldest granddaughter, who is now a mother of 4, and has had some very hard and rough times throughout her young life.  Not all of those were of your choosing or your doing, but some were, and you have for years now been the person in charge of your life and your directions.  I wish you health and happiness, and that your life is good.
     I do a lot of thinking at work about my life and past decisions and choices and about both of you and our relationships, and have regrets but I know I cannot change the past, I cannot ‘fix’ anything that has happened and I also know I’m not to blame for a lot of things that have happened in your lives, I’m not at fault and I didn’t cause it.  I packed around that guilt for a long time, and I admit that I let myself be manipulated by that guilt feeling and by my own feelings of failure.
     I wish you both health, peace and good lives.  

Thursday, May 02, 2019

Thinking back

     And that has never changed anything, but then, I can see growth and I have come to terms with what I cannot change.   So many miles, so many different places I have lived but this town and this old house has been my longest home.  I’m now 62, almost 63, and yes, these past 14 years in this house, the past 16 years in this town, with this plant for work has been the longest ever.
     I have worked hard to have the stability I didn’t have as a child, as I was growing up, as I became an adult, a parent and as I raised my own children.  So, it’s an old house, and a small town, a labor job in a meat packing plant but all of it works for me.  I now have good credit and a really awesome car, and the payments to go with it.  I have a couple scooters and I do the work on them, and when it quits raining I can do some of that maintenance stuff and be riding again this season.
     There’s yarns and fabrics, dolls and books, there’s music going most of the time I am awake and here, occasionally it’s the tv or laptop or iPad and YouTube or Netflix or a DVD, but most often, it’s music that I have chosen.
      And I am again living alone, no sons, no pals, no housemate or man.  And this really works well, I quit even considering dating or being involved with anyone.  I don’t have to, I don’t want to and it is OK for me to be single and be happy that way.
     Today’s email had a notification from Credit Karma, it seems that Victoria’s Secret has cancelled my account, it has been idle for long enough now.  Nothing there that I need or want, and when I need or want something, I can buy it without needing or wanting their credit card.  It’s not the only account that will be closing due to non-use.  And I am liking that.  It is a negative impact if I close them, but not if they are ‘aged out’ and closed by the company due to lack of use.  That might seem crazy but it’s how credit looks at things.
     Peace, that’s something I’ve found and the ability to accept and like the person I am, and not let anyone make waves in my self confidence or balance.  I no longer need to please someone or let their petty comments bother me.  I’m not measured by their rulers, and it’s not their job to decide what I should do, wear, say or be.  And I’m not bothered by someone else’s issues, if they are bored, it’s not my job to entertain them, if they are lonely, that is Not my problem, it is theirs and it is not my job or responsibility to ‘fix it’.

Wednesday, April 24, 2019

Spring and riding season has started!

     But so far I have not gotten much riding done, I am getting a bit more confident with that vintage scooter I won last year down in St. Louis at the Missouri Loves Company rally, and the LXV has a new spark plug and a fuel problem.  I am hoping a bit of Heat has that resolved but need a bit of warmer weather to run it some and find out.
      The furnace is down, son Ben thinks we need to research and see if we can fix it ourselves and since I can make do without it for right now and there is a good chance it’s a part we can buy and install ourselves, I am good with that idea.  Those rides of mine are eating up money as fast as they can get it.  Both the LXV and the GTS get valve clearance adjustment this spring, I have the needed valve cover gaskets, GTS is still in the bike shed but the battery is in and I have started it.  I need to pop off that valve cover and get out those gauges and check that ‘valve lash’ stuff and adjust if and as needed.  Once the GTS is done, it can come out and the LXV can go in so I can have ‘shop’ area to keep things clean when I pull that valve cover off to do the same sort of adjustment stuff.
     The vintage Vespa has gotten new correct mirrors, a replacement rear bumper, a proper tail light and center stand.  I need to chase down the horn problem and see if the turn signals and I can come to an agreement.  I want to replace the smoked gray lenses with the proper orange ones, partly because I feel that they will be more noticeable and maybe make me and that little scooter a bit safer out on the roads.
     Work is still going ok, still like going to work every day, changing jobs in plant has been a good change for me, I’ve been on the ‘crown and flush’ job over a year now and am still glad to go to work, that is a big and very nice change from when I was boxing stomachs.
     And I’ve changed cars and banks, so am settling into those changes still.  Like the car much better than I did the Mitsubishi, but it was and is a good car with great MPG which is important to me.  I dropped mpg but not much and added a LOT to the credit debt with the car change but I really like the new car, same year and about the same miles, Hyundai and extended that bumper to bumper warranty so that works for me.  
     I gained a 6 speed manual tranny, and blue exterior, more leg room for me and a hatch back which I really like, and it came with some perks and ‘goodies’ so I still have fog lights but gained a back up camera, neat feature and it’s computer smart and already knows my cellphone, when I turn on the Bluetooth.  I already bought a cover and today ordered the window vents so I can put the windows down a tiny bit and not let much in but airflow.  I will be making seat covers for both the back seating and for the front seats but did move the steering wheel cover and seat covers from the Mirage.  And I have a car I can recognize so don’t need stickers/decals or other ‘things’ on it to identify it.  That is a nice change too and I like driving it.
     I am still ‘rocking’ this single in my 60’s stuff, and when I think over all the years it took me to get to where I am and who I am, I’m good with me.  No man has ever provided for me as well as I have for myself, nor have they given me the stability that I have provided for myself.  I no longer have anyone pushing me to be what they want but get to be who I am, I really like that.
     It has been a long and hard road with a lot of bad/poor/stupid choices but that is really the past and actually the Long past.  And none of it can be changed so I have, for the most part, come to terms with all of it and moved on.

Tuesday, April 02, 2019

Crazy things old women do!

      On Friday, March 29 I had an S. V. (single vacation) Day and took the Mitsubishi down to St.Louis for a service appointment and did some shopping and visiting and had a really good day away from home.  Of course it rained all the way down Thursday night and started raining Friday afternoon as I was leaving the city.
     Saturday started wet and gray and didn't change all day, but I texted pal Jaime to see if he wanted to run to Jacksonville to look at flooring for his kitchen project he has plans for this year.  Instead, about 1 p.m. I picked him up and we headed to Springfield to play, and started at World of Powersports, food was the next stop and the we headed, in my car, with me driving (this is part of where you start wondering just what crazy thing I am going to end up doing) to cruise the car lots, yes, in the rain, so Jaime can indulge in his favorite hobby, drooling over cars. 
     I drive very slowly through lots, stopping often, Jaime get out and looks, might even talk to salesmen and I knit when I am parked and waiting for him.
    Of course it was late afternoon when we headed towards home, but first to Thorntons for gas and for Jaime to get a drink and snack.  The last stop of the day was Green's warehouse indoor car sale, on the last day, late in the day.  It should have been a very safe place for him to drool and me to knit a bit.
    And yes, Jaime found something he thought he might want to trade his 'bought new, hasn't had long' car for and got busy with salesman and their financial guy which left me with no 'sitter' to keep me from wandering about with knitting in hand, a sock for son Ben, and yes, I do look at cars and knit as I walk around inside. 
     So, I have (had) a very good, more warranty than payments, very good MPG economy car that I bought December 2017, in fact, Jaime went with me to Columbia MO to see that car and to drive my Neon home.  I did sell the Neon a couple days later to a guy I know at the plant.
       And it is a good, solid car that I got for about $2,000 below book, so a very good buy.  I don't like the color but the gas mileage is really good and I tossed a cover over it when riding season started it and rarely drove it last summer.   But when I went to see it I thought I was going over for something with a standard transmission, my preference and what the car was listed as.
      So, I'm knitting and wandering around and find 2 blue cars tucked into a corner, Hyundai, which I had that Accent and loved it, until some jerk in a hurry leaving the plant parking lot managed to total my car!  Pretty cars so I have to look at the first 1, black interior, 2016 and automatic, and then look at the other 1, red interior, ok, so that's interesting' and fog lights, I have those on the Mitsubishi and like them.  And Wow, it is standard, 2017 and a Veloster, which struck me as what would happen if a Tiberon and an Accent had unprotected sex.   When I bought that Accent, back in 2000, I had wanted the Tiberon, but bought the practical economy car, the Accent instead. 
      I was amazed how long it took me to corner a salesman but I finally did and talked him out the door to look at what I was driving, Yes, I did tell him that, come see what I am driving and then we can go look at what I want to be driving. . . . .I had it service (and paid for that) the day before, and had not 2 miles away, filled the gas tank. .  See, I told you, crazy old woman!   
      I did take it for a test drive, and the salesman went with me and put $20 worth of gas in it, and took it back and Jaime and I started removing My stuff from that black car I was trading in on that blue ride!   And the paperwork got done, I downgraded in mpg and upgraded ( a long upgrade) in debt load and now have a car that has 6 speed transmission and a clutch (and a LOT of payments) a color I love, more driver's leg room, a very good warranty, a local (Springfield) dealership with a very good reputation, I had taken my Accent there after moving here.   And free oil changes and car washes and it's very, very sporty , like the speedometer goes to 160 mph, and is hatchback, which I really like.  It's a subcompact so a bit bigger than the Mitsubishi Mirage and far more fun to drive!
     As I told the finance guy doing all that paperwork, very late Saturday afternoon (ok, early evening) that I had never traded in a car, much less 1 that I was still making payments on, that I have never bought a car without doing a lot of research before making a decision but  loved the color, liked the gear shift and was buying that blue car.
     It will make a tight budget for a month or so, which means I quit wasting $$ on things I don't need like more dolls, more fabrics, more books and work some overtime when it's available.  But I can afford the car, I really like the car and it's mine now!  And I will drive people crazy on the road with a very sporty, fast looking car that I put on cruise control once I reach speed limit.  I can't afford tickets and the car, and I don't need to be going much over that posted speed limit, it does not matter how fast that car will go, I do not have to try and fly down the highways around here just because I have a car that can actually go way too fast to be safe.

Tuesday, February 05, 2019

Purple Toe Syndrome

       That sounds far more entertaining that the reality is.  What it is: a symptom of some problem, circulation to extremities slows, causing the platelets to start sticking together, forming bruising and blood clots.  It is unusual and the first questions are if you are grossly overweight, diabetic or have been on warfarin for an extended period of time, like several years and are elderly and usually male.
        Since it's easy for the crew at SIU Dermatology to see that I am not overweight, and I am not diabetic, and have never been on warfarin, we look for other causes, lupus, rare genetically linked diseases, and the blood work was done last week and they will call with results and everything goes to my primary care doctor here in town, who also got a hand carried hard copy of the lab work ordered.  I have NO clue what the tests are, but knew he would.
        If all are negative there is 1 more blood test to run, but all are for very rare, very uncommon diseases and there is NO cure for them.  Lupus is an autoimmune disease, but mine has never flared much and I've probably had it for 30+ years.  That genetic stuff is where I have NO idea of what or who or when, and my doctor says that is very normal, especially with diseases that show up so very rarely.
     For now, it's more water and aspirin every day to help reduce the chance of a blood clot causing problems.  I see him again the 14th and he expects to have the results of the lab work SIU had done.  And we hope we have answers and can start a plan of action to help keep me as healthy as possible.
      In the meantime, I have fabric coming from Farmhouse fabrics, for doll sewing and I have 4 doll dresses to do the hand smocking on, socks going for Ben, a full time job at JBS, 3 Vespa scooters wanting time, money and work before riding season and a very tight budget because I have been very careless with my spending and with credit.
     But the tax returns are filed and accepted so in time, and we have NO idea this year what that 'time' thing will be, but I will have both state and federal to help fix some of my financial 'be stupid' stuff.  And since my refunds are nice sized, I went into h.r. at the plant and filled out the form to reduce the amount extra I have held out on both federal and state so in a week or 2, or once they get it done right, I will have $17 more every week in the paycheck.
     And after finishing David Weber's newest Safehold book and griping and whining, I am starting the whole series over, he will Not have the next book in this series available for pre-order for months and I expect a January 2020 release date.  I did tell Jake, when he was trying to reason with me that I need those books to entertain me while I knit his socks, that his getting socks depends on my having some really good and entertaining reading  while I knit.
     We had some really cold weather and snow, now we have rain, in fact just a few minutes ago the skies opened up and it dumped a lot of water or so the roof sounded.  But I am tucked in my studio in my warm and dry house and  despite stupid health issues, a very tight budget, cold and wet and tired of winter gripes, life here is doing ok.   

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Middle of December?

     Riding season went far too fast, fall flew by and winter is starting to feel long and cold.  But I still have the entire house to myself, at least as far as human inhabitants go.  And for the most part, I really like it.  The entire attic space is mine!  My looms and weaving are in the south end right now, and need more attention and the sewing is several works in progress in the north end.
     The job change in plant has me coming home with more energy and less pain so I’m getting a bit done on some project almost every day and I’m happier.  I will not claim the house is any cleaner but it’s quieter and that works well for me.
     We are seeing a little more overtime this fall than we had last year, and I am enjoying that.  Bills paid on time or early, extra paid on credit debt and some play money.  Right now sewing seems to get that money, and I have a wish list for this coming paycheck.
     Jake calls, he’s settling in well and he and his dad have a ‘tiny house’ now.  An old school bus that someone else started as a mobile tiny house and Jake and Sam now are living in and working on.  And enjoying being up in the high country Colorado.
     Ben is still at the truck wash, has a gal pal living with him and is working on the old truck, right now it’s a fuel pump problem.  He seems to be doing well and staying self supporting which really matters to his mother.
     I am working on some ‘head’ issues now and then, old memories, old choices, things I cannot change, and others whose choices were not my doing and I’m not willing to accept any guilt for their bad results.  There are no ‘do overs’ in life, and no parent makes all the right choices and does everything ‘right’ all the time.
     I do care about all 4 of the children I gave birth to, and want them to have lives they like and that work for them.  What they have done for years is their decisions and their choices and their roads to walk.  I accept that and have learned to live with the distance between myself and the older 2.  They have the right to have no relationship with me, and I am ok with that, it’s not my choice but I can live with it and make my life work.
     I spent last week sad, walking through memories of 40+ years ago, and my life then, my daughter then.  A blonde haired, brown eyed baby Sasha baby doll, a hard fall, a long way from family and no friends, loss of a planned pregnancy, the loss of my much loved grandpa, a very rocky marriage and sewing for a doll shop, sewing for a Christmas gift for that child who turned 4 that Thanksgiving.  My bright spot in my life was my daughter, she was my world and everything I did was to give her the best possible life I could.  I made some really not workable choices, not her fault and not really mine, too young, too far from solid good advice, too much of the wrong advice, too afraid to stand my own ground, to stand up for myself.
     I can’t change that, and I will send this EBay bought doll on to raise funds for either the Sasha conventions or for UFDC, once she has a nice wardrobe and I’ve gotten through the sad and blues days.   And my sewing and creativity is again bringing me joy and happiness, small things, small dolls and my skills and ability, and having a really great work space.

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

October's almost gone, time is getting away from me.

     But I did have a great summer, and an awesome time at Michigan Fiber Festival, 4 days of camping, 3 days of classes, time with people who share some of my interests and understand that knitting and yarns and all the other stuff.  And I went alone, which made the whole time even better.
     I did ride this summer, but admit most of the long rides were on the bigger GTS, but the LXV was my 'to work' and local errands transportation, even on damp days.  And that scooter is almost paid for.  I don't regret buying that Vespa for my 60'th birthday, and I sure don't have any regrets about buying the GTS either.
     The scooter rally this fall in St. Louis was really fun, once again I played hard all over St. Louis and the GTS was great to have on the faster roads.  And I won the rally raffle prize so now also own a China Blue 1978 Vespa P 125x, which runs and I love.  I was absolutely amazed, shocked and thrilled.  And she's now wintering in my living room.
  She needs some things, like the side kickstand replaced with a proper center stand, the kick start lever bent back out some, leaning to the left means kick staring pushes that lever into the scoot instead of straight down.  The tail light needs changed out, the current 1 came from a Harley and it's mounted upside down, which means there is No light on the plate, which means it's in violation of laws in this state.  I also want a back rack so I can pack something.  There is no storage space under that seat. but it does have separate gas and oil tanks, and it's a 2 cycle engine.
     I like the job change I made last March, it works well for me and I'm happier and hurt less.  A change of area supervisors has been a nice improvement in my little work world too.  So, since I need to work, it's nice to like going to work once again, after a couple years of not being happy to go to work and to deal with who I had to work with and our not very good supervisor, this is such a huge improvement in my work days.
     And I still love living alone, Shadow still annoys me but I keep taking care of him and keeping him fed and watered.  Ben's still working at the truck wash and has a gal pal who has moved in with him. . . .  I don't actually dislike her, but I don't feel she has much brains or willingness to be self responsible and despite being 42, and 2 sons, 1 adult and 1 in his last year of high school, she's not been employed for years.  But she is putting in job applications.
     I've decided I am 'rocking that single senior woman life' and it's working very well for me.  My finances are stable, my credit rating is very good, my debt load is going down and I am happy most of the time.  I like me, and I am standing up for myself, when I need to. 
     We are seeing some overtime, my budget loves that and I don't mind working Saturdays.  But we are supposed to  be off this coming Saturday and I have hopes of going up to Bloomington and attending an estate auction.