Mother’s Day!

     Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers in my world, those I know, those I’m related to, those that do all that stuff that needs done and rarely get a pat on the back or given credit for what they do.
     Happy Mother’s Day to my only daughter, who gave birth to 4 children but didn’t parent them through their growing years.  I know I didn’t always set a good example, I know I wasn’t mature enough when you were born, and didn’t have very good guidance to help me learn better parenting skills.
     I didn’t provide the stability or standard of living that would have provided you with a better foundation but I did the best I could and the best I knew how to.  I made a lot of foolish decisions and chose relationships that were not good for either of us far too often.  But I did all I could to try and set good values, ethics and protect you from harm.
      And you made choices and picked your own direction in life, I helped you pick up the pieces a couple times, which is also part of being a parent, and when you told me to get out of your life and stay out, I did that too.  But I never quit caring or loving you or praying that your life is good, that you are healthy, happy and doing well.
     I can’t build a bridge that I didn’t burn or tear down, it takes 2 for that to happen and it’s not something you want, so I wish you well and hope life is good for you.
     Happy Mother’s Day to my oldest granddaughter, who is now a mother of 4, and has had some very hard and rough times throughout her young life.  Not all of those were of your choosing or your doing, but some were, and you have for years now been the person in charge of your life and your directions.  I wish you health and happiness, and that your life is good.
     I do a lot of thinking at work about my life and past decisions and choices and about both of you and our relationships, and have regrets but I know I cannot change the past, I cannot ‘fix’ anything that has happened and I also know I’m not to blame for a lot of things that have happened in your lives, I’m not at fault and I didn’t cause it.  I packed around that guilt for a long time, and I admit that I let myself be manipulated by that guilt feeling and by my own feelings of failure.
     I wish you both health, peace and good lives.  
   

Thinking back

     And that has never changed anything, but then, I can see growth and I have come to terms with what I cannot change.   So many miles, so many different places I have lived but this town and this old house has been my longest home.  I’m now 62, almost 63, and yes, these past 14 years in this house, the past 16 years in this town, with this plant for work has been the longest ever.
     I have worked hard to have the stability I didn’t have as a child, as I was growing up, as I became an adult, a parent and as I raised my own children.  So, it’s an old house, and a small town, a labor job in a meat packing plant but all of it works for me.  I now have good credit and a really awesome car, and the payments to go with it.  I have a couple scooters and I do the work on them, and when it quits raining I can do some of that maintenance stuff and be riding again this season.
     There’s yarns and fabrics, dolls and books, there’s music going most of the time I am awake and here, occasionally it’s the tv or laptop or iPad and YouTube or Netflix or a DVD, but most often, it’s music that I have chosen.
      And I am again living alone, no sons, no pals, no housemate or man.  And this really works well, I quit even considering dating or being involved with anyone.  I don’t have to, I don’t want to and it is OK for me to be single and be happy that way.
     Today’s email had a notification from Credit Karma, it seems that Victoria’s Secret has cancelled my account, it has been idle for long enough now.  Nothing there that I need or want, and when I need or want something, I can buy it without needing or wanting their credit card.  It’s not the only account that will be closing due to non-use.  And I am liking that.  It is a negative impact if I close them, but not if they are ‘aged out’ and closed by the company due to lack of use.  That might seem crazy but it’s how credit looks at things.
     Peace, that’s something I’ve found and the ability to accept and like the person I am, and not let anyone make waves in my self confidence or balance.  I no longer need to please someone or let their petty comments bother me.  I’m not measured by their rulers, and it’s not their job to decide what I should do, wear, say or be.  And I’m not bothered by someone else’s issues, if they are bored, it’s not my job to entertain them, if they are lonely, that is Not my problem, it is theirs and it is not my job or responsibility to ‘fix it’.