My new ride, Fraelsi

My new ride, Fraelsi
Fraelsi means Freedom in Farose

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Broken bones, life on hold, nothing will ever be the same..

My little red truck is a mangled mess, my right foot has broken bones that might not ever be correctable, I am spending my hours down in bed with my right foot up, dealing with pain I have never had, not even with 2 kids born at home.
Today I decided to make cornbread, something I fix so often I don't need to look up directions, takes about 5 minutes to mix it up from scratch and then about 25 to out of the oven, split with knife, butter and honey and eat while hot. It took me 2 hours to end up with cornbread to eat and then I had help getting it out of the oven. I also ended up back in that bed, with that rigth foot back elevated, more, it's not my normal life any more and it won't be.
The face brusing is healing, I will replace the broken glasses and quit wearing my work safety glasses.
I will put money and work into this gold truck and have transportation I can depend on, but I loved my little red truck and have lost that forever, and I have no extended cab so I lost that space also. I need to pay Fischer Auto for the last of the bill on the brake work on the red truck..not sorry I had the needed brake work done..this accident was nothing I did wrong or didn't do that I should have.
From what I have learned, it was nothing more than a poor decision to pass another car, made by a man on his way to work on a 3rd shift job. He did not intend to die in an auto accident, he certainly did not intend to hurt others
or cause them problems.
But, his action of pulling into on-coming traffic when there was no chance to pass safely, and to not get back into his original lane was the cause of this accident. My actions of trying to slow down, of trying to get as close to off the paved road bed as I could might have reduced the damages we recieved, but the cold and hard facts are I was in a very severe accident. It has changed my life, my plans and schedule and will continue to impact my life, probably for the rest of my life.
This is Sunday, it's normally 1 of my most favorite days at work, maint will be busy, I have the floors to clean and office deliveries to make, make sure there is enough paper in the copy/post office room. Contractors through the plant doing what they do, sometimes equipment in and out through our back warehouse dock.
I'm in the boiler room coffee club, we all chip in to buy the coffee and filters, Sundays are often the only day I can get down to fill my cup, every other Sunday Carl McDaniels is the boilerman on watch and he always has the coffee going. He's a good man and I miss seeing him along with all the others that make up my routine.
I have been blessed with a job I love and go bouncing into work almost every day. I work with people I absolutely like being around and have management that I admire and really care about. I think I have the best bosses in the whole world..
And right now, every day, I am here at home, in bed, with my right foot up, 1 bone so badly shattered I don't know what if anything can be done medically to repair it.
I miss my job, the work, the management, the faces that make up my work world..I miss it from the time I wake up well before day light, I miss it as I am falling asleep at night.
I love my old house, this little bit of land it sits on, but the job and Cargill, that's what gives me balance, what pays for all I have and I take great pride in that I EARN my living and my way in life.
And now, today, I have no idea what I will have for income as I heal, how I will keep bills paid and food in the house. A disability check is not the same, it's money that will pay the bill but it does not feed my heart the way that earned paycheck has done. My emotional balance, my self sense of worth, all of that is tied up with that earn a paycheck and pay in my share of taxes.
This accident has taken that from me, maybe not for ever, but for now, I do not have the emotional security and sense of self worth that paycheck from Cargill has given me every day since I started work there.
I have not cried over this accident, I will not let myself cry over it, I am afraid if I start crying I won't stop. There is so much I hurt emotionally over, so much I have lost already with this addident. If I start cryiny I will fall into a dark hole I am not sure how I will climb back out.
I am afraid of how this will financially impact my keeping my bills paid, growing my savings, fixing my old house, paying down debt load. I'm afraid of how it will physically change my life. To never dance for joy, or hop and skip, to not run, roller skate, wear silly high heels I love. I might never run jump into someone's open arms--that was on my up coming schedule. Now I hope I don't trip over my walker stumbling to meet slim, dancing woman...and I am afriad I will stay mad and angry about the last minute choices of a man now dead...
I am afraid of the up-coming surgery, not the surgery but it's that being put under with no one here to be my anchor to hold onto. My friend Nancy will take me but she doesn't have or understand my fears, She doesn't know how that dark terrifies me, a dark I am afraid of going into and not being able to find my way out to the light.
I should be looking for dormant oil to spray the plum trees with in the next couple weeks, it needs done while they are dormant but I now can't do that job. I need to be planning the garden and what goes where, what I am goint to start from seed so I can have those special plants. But I cannot do that this year, I plan a garden, I will have some sort of garden, for me, for friends and neighbors, but it won't be the garden I had planned last fall.
How do I measure the changes in my life? The cost of not getting stuff done that was on my list, the saddles not oiled and put away, the doll outfits not made and sold, the house chores I can't do, the friends old I can't visit, the cookie boxes to the Marine and his platoon I am not making?? What price can you put on this stuff?? HOw can you know what each of these and all the other things means to me??
How do I explain my happiness and joy at going to work every day??
And how do I keep facing another day in this bedroom with my right foot up, not knowing how many more days and weeks I will be laid up, waiting on healing?
I know I am strong and determined and will get through this battle and survive. But it's not a battle of my chosing or of my doing and being mad at a dead man I never met doesn't gain me much peace at this moment

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