Looking at things differently

     I'm looking at my life, at my past, at how I got to where I am both physically and mentally, emotionally and looking at where I want to be this time next year.  It has been a long and not always easy road but worth the living and a lot of lessons learned, some I needed to 'take the class' more than once to learn from.
     And I'm accepting that the way I 'see' things is not always the way others do, and what works for me doesn't for others.  I can do a bit of giving here and there but I'm finding there's not much stretch or  give left in me, or much compromise.
     I work a hard, occasionally physically demanding job in a meat packing plant, that is how I earn my living, that takes up a big chunk of my day, 5 days a week, and occasionally 6.  I do have a job that I like, co-workers I like working with and that helps but it's not my 'family' and it's not my life, it's what earns the money that pays for all that matters/
     There's this old house, the payments on the current and 3rd mortgage in my 13+ years of ownership, and pays for the work, the materials I put into the improvements and repairs.  There is the bills for heat, lights, cooling, water, trash, property taxes, that job earns the money that pays for those things too, and the food I eat, the clothing I wear, the food I feed my pets.  That paycheck buys my dolls, my yarns, my internet service and the devices I use to enjoy and use that internet.
     That paycheck pays my vehicle insurance and registrations, repairs and upkeep, and it make the payments on that Mitsubishi car and that Vespa scooter I ride and love so much.  But it's not my life, it's not my best friend and it's not my family. 
     And I'm not sure always about where I will give in or what I will give up to make a relationship work with anyone.  I don't want a man in my bed, not in my bed in this house.  That stage or want is past and this new space, or recovered space, with all the time and hard work I have put in, with the new bed, new mattress, new sheets, it's just mine, and I don't want anyone 'invading' this peaceful space I have created for me.
     And that camping stuff, I'm glad he's found a place he likes and has a permanent place for his camper, he owns the lot, is a member of that little club/organization up there, and likes the location.  I don't like it, it's like being in a small camper town, it's not being out and away from the humans and their 'stuff'.  There is no waking up and looking out a window to dawn slowly lighting up nature, at just what's natural and finding peace and balance.  It's looking out into a small, crowded, campers way too close for my comfort, way too peopled for my peace and balance. 
     I'm not sure what sort of balance and compromise I will make, but he does not see the person I am, not all of me and there's so much of me and of what matters to my heart that I keep close, that I don't share, that is not anything I will share.  Especially with someone who gossips and does not realize he's crossed privacy lines, so now I don't tell him much.  He can't talk about what he doesn't know.
     And I've had several years of very single me that I have gone where I wanted, when I could, at my pace, for my reasons and I don't have it in me to give much of that up.  It's warming up here, finally, a late spring and I have the Vespa out and will soon have my Rebel out and ready for the road.  And I am not willing to give up that riding, and that for me, means hours of riding, long and sometimes hard, pushing riding.  It feeds my soul, there's just no other way I can explain what that freedom means to me, and I will have it, will not let much be more important than my needs and some of my wants.
     I'm not a calm, restful person, I'm not going to become a couch potato, a tv watching, cuddling affectionate person.  And some bridges were damaged and I'm not willing to repair them on my end, he didn't see that he was damaging the foundations, he didn't respect my ownership or my rights or put himself in my shoes with his actions...he will get back some of my time but not much and no trust, and not very much give, there's just not much left in me.
     No, I'm not mad, no I'm not depressed but I am looking at the coming summer and the weekends and what really matters with my very valuable time and how I want to spend that time.  It's not something I can go buy more of, once that day is gone, I don't get it back, so yes, what I do with that off work time does really matter to me. 
     I want and need to do old house stuff, and yard stuff, and I have other 'stuff' that matters, like time to knit or sew or read and time to ride. I am not going to spend very much time in some little camper village, wishing I was home or elsewhere, that is just not going to be happening to this old woman, not this summer and not the ones that come after.
     

The office corner

     I still need to put together the stand/base/storage cubes for the printer, but most of the work is done.  I need a new power strip, will mount that on the wall in the corner, easy to turn on and off and plug stuff in.  And I want a new coffee cup warmer, even if I don't turn it on often, it gives me a fixed place for a cup or glass to sit.
     I could have added another coat of plaster and had a nicer looking job but I am so damn tired of plaster repairs, I've gone through over 60 pounds of dry plaster and have sanded/spilled/slopped far too much of that and I am still cleaning it up.
     We are finally seeing warmer weather, but reports for the weekend have us cold again.  I have a Doll Club event Saturday and Sunday am I will be signing up for my classes at Fiber Festival in Michigan. 
     And I've been eaten by scabies once again, yes, again, Jake's dog Thumper, he gets bathed here with something to kill them, Ben and I quit having a problem with them and then Jake is back, the dog is with him, and comes back to stay here and Ben and I deal with scabies once again.  I am going to end Thumper coming to stay.  I cannot afford to have open sores on my hands and lower arms, wrists, I am now working the upper bung job, which means I am flushing pig shit, full of all sorts of bacterial contamination out all day, a good way to end up with a serious problem with all the open sores, even with gloves, plastic sleeves and all that stuff.
     I am pleased with my bedroom, do like the color of the walls and trim, and like the progress I have made on this old house this winter.  It will be cleaner, warmer in the winter, cooler in the summer with more drafts shut out, and the room is comfortable.  I still have more leaning and putting away stuff but will do a little at a time.  It's sort and clean and decide what goes in the trash, what goes out to the shed, what goes up stairs and what belongs in here and where. 
     I will use the laptop a lot more now, and admit I am looking at new ones, despite the fact that this 1 has very little time being used since I bought it.  I think I just want to buy myself something and I sure don't need to add to my debt.  But I have been known to do some very stupid things with my credit and there are worse things I could get in debt for.  But I don't need a new laptop, I am just wanting something else....and it would come with Windows 10, which is part of my 'hate' issue with this one. 
     Time to clean me up and get to bed.