There are very few people around now that knew me when I was a child, a young woman, growing up. Oh, there are plenty of people still living but not that I have any contact with. I have moved too much, gone so far away, not come back 'home' often enough to keep that contact going.
So, the few that do exist and are, in some way, a part of my life now really do matter, even if there has become issues that have pushed us farther apart.
I wish I had tucked my pride and ego into my back pocket and said those words I had ready, for years, I forgive, I even do understand some of why and how and all that stuff, you matter, ya, the truth mattered a lot then, but you still mattered more then and do now.
Michael, I have known you since I was 16, and cared, built you and your life into some magical 'he got it right, did it right' think in my head. Thought of you when I was at low points and remembered you saw something special in me, when no one else did, that you cared and thought me worth caring about when it seemed that no one else did, and that mattered, that made a huge difference in my getting through those bad, hard, rough times.
Six years ago, a bit more, we got back in touch, much older, far from where we were when we were young, and a long way from the very young people we were back then. And a choice I made to go to town, on my day off, a choice someone else made, and my world, my life, my future changed when that Buick crossed the center line and smashed hard into the front of my little red, much loved truck.
My life changed, my world became a pain filled nightmare that seemed to have no end, but you were there, you were light and comfort and solid ground. When I needed dreams of a good future on the other side of a long and pain filled healing, you helped me build those dreams, helped me get through that long hard first months.
But, you also deceived me, lied to me about financial issues, stupid, ya, easy for me to find out, ya, damn, the little things you didn't know about the woman I had grown into. Like, I do my own taxes, like, I think and run financial things in my head.
I thought a lot about you, about the time I spent with you during my accident recovery and what a big and valuable part of my recovery that time, and you were. About the reasons we 'fell out' and that I missed you, but know our lives, for many reasons, both big and small were heading in different directions. I can't cry and grieve over that, it would not change any of the past, nor would it build a road to the future.
As I go through the minutes and hours of my quiet little life, my work shift, my home time, my thoughts and prayers often are for you, with you and knowing that I am, again, finding ways to let you go, to accept that I will never make it back west to see you and talk with you, laugh with you, get a big hug from you, say so many things that matter.
Know that you matter, know that I am working hard to keep my life on a workable track, my finances out of the red, my old house making progress. Know that I am a better person for our friendship, for the time I have known you and spent with you. I pray for your healing, and I pray for all of us to cope, and accept what God and life hand to us, and know that the prognosis for your future is not bright and rosy.
I miss you, my friend, and I pray for you.