Life in a Pandemic

     I never expected to be living in a pandemic, it was not on my list of realities but that's what the world has now.  Covid-19, originated in Horseshoe bats in China, been making life hard, challenging, and deadly around the world now.  It's been over 6 months to get to where we are now.
     But so far I am safe and still working, still living my funny little single life.  Still riding scooters and still needing to put more effort into house and yard work.
      But today was a fun ride over to West Quincy for cigarettes for Ben, check if motorcycle shop had filters for my rides, they didn't, buy food for Blue quaker, and enjoy some road time.  I miss runs down the river to St. Louis, way too much closed, way too much health risks for the fun I have enjoyed past summers.
      My long-planned vacation to Colorado was postponed and I spent my week off here and didn't get much done.  I did brood and pout some, did work on a few things but think I just felt sorry for myself and the situation.  Our current administration and president is a disaster that just keeps getting worse.  I keep thinking he has hit the bottom of that and then something else is done or said or happens,
     Ben is doing ok, he's talking needing a low budget and economical car and also looking for a place to buy, he is not wanting to keep renting and there are issues with the current situation, renting the upstairs in a house,  I won't discourage buying, it works for me and I do like my old house, even when I spend $$$ on non-essentials instead of old house repairs.
     Jake called this week, on a tear about what his paternal grandmom wrote in her little more fiction than fact history of Lily Park and her family.  He's upset about her lies and bad mouthing me and how she treated his dad.  I told him I am fine, she is years dead and hasn't been able to hurt me or do me any damage for a very long time.  That my life here is good and it works well for me.  She and what she wrote are just not important, really, and that he just needs to let it go. 
     I have worked to make this life good for me, and it gave all my sons a place to come live when they needed that.  And it keeps giving me that, a job that pays more than my living, a town I am ok with living in, and more importantly, a life that is mine and lived my way.
      I started reading Mary Trump's book and find it interesting, but it's also already having me look at my past, at my family and what influences and patterns and so forth have been a part of my life, including all the poor decisions and poor sense of self-worth.   I was raised with, some of which still makes some waves in my emotional pond.  I cannot change the past, and I certainly cannot change who my grandparents and parents were but I have quit letting some of that continue to damage my life and quit measuring myself by their yardsticks.
     I sometimes am lonely, but I have chosen wisely for my life and future, and now, at 64, there is NO way I want to make any amount of changes to how I live or how my earnings are spent or share my space, my home.
     I am working on trying to eat better-balanced meals, that's a huge challenge for me, I don't dislike veggies, I just forget about them far too often.  Like I can go weeks without eating any, forget to put them on the grocery list, forget to buy them.  Before the pandemic and everywhere shut down I think my trips to Hibachi Grill and their great foods, especially veggies was my easy fix, not often enough bur far more often than I have since early March.   So, now I am making more effort, have decided I can afford baby carrots, they make a good and healthy snack, far better for me than lots of jelly beans and M&'s are. 
     And I am trying to put some order in my attic area, both the studio and the south retreat.  I tossed some stuff out, I boxed up some of the dolls, I sorted through a plastic tote bin, still need to decide what to do with some of the stuff out of it, but the fabric mountain is now in the tote and the desk chair that needs to be thrown away is downstairs.  There is still a LOT more that I need to do but I did get started and have made a dent in the mess.  I really do like my old house and my life here, and I have put so much work and $$ into this place and into creating this attic space.  But when it's a mess I am NOT able to enjoy my studio or my retreat, and the mess was mine, no one did it to me.  I worked on the storage area, that someday might become a bathroom, during the week some, and now have started tackling the other areas. 
     I am a little blue today, or this evening, sorting head things out, and that's always going to have some blue spots, not deep dark depression, just a bit sad.  The past is done, it cannot be changed, I can 'walk through my memories' and put them into perspective, and understand better and grow some, balance some and accept what cannot be changed, especially when it's other people and I can't get answers, asking the questions of the dead just doesn't get answers.  I've done plenty of that and it doesn't change. 
     But I'm going to shut down up here in the studio for tonight and get myself fed and try to put me into bed and asleep at a more reasonable time, for a change.