Being sad

    I am feeling sad and lonely today, a bit lost and without direction. . . But I know it not going to last long, my plants outside are growing and I took my first cutting from the kiwi vines to put in a pot so they can root.   And I did some much needed cleaning and putting stuff away.  

     I have 2 quilt tops made, 2 quilt top kits to them into quilts and plenty of fabric and even batting. . And yes, plans for tomorrow are to set up backing and lay out and layer and pin at least 1 quilt together.  I will machine quilt them here.  I have neglected the upstairs and studio area for about a year now, it’s time to take that space back under control and be creative, I need to do more than knit socks.

  I wish there was a way to rebuild a relationship with my only daughter but I know that reaching out to her might be similar to sticking my hand into a basket with an angry cobra. . . I know she told me to get out of her life and to stay out of her life, and for what, 18 years, I have done that, kept out of her life, kept her in my thoughts, my prayers and have stayed out of her world/life. . . Always wishing het health, to be happy. to be financially ok, and to have a happy life. .. 

  I am working with the plants here, this area is centuries of river deposited fine sand and silt, so growing much that nature didn’t design for this area has been a bit of challenge at times but my winter hardy kiwi vines are doing well. . Ok, the $$ plant bought At an area nursery did not survive our winter well, but all the other kiwi plants/vines have, so I took some cutting and am hoping they will root, 1 will go at the south end of that front bed, along the ‘new’ front porch and I am not sure yet where I will be putting the others IF they survive and grow roots.  .

   Thinking back and time. . It’s been years since anyone has lived here with me, or even spent the night, no one has slept over until recently when #2 son and his partner stayed. . And I learned that I. Don’t cope well at all with other people here 24 hours a day. . .my failure more than theirs. . . At times I feel” like I have failed life, parenting and a long list of . . . .

   But there’s that idiot dog who loves me, the cats that are comfortable here and that I do keep their litter boxes cleaned, and food in the bowls and all the 4 footed housemates manage to share the same water bowls. . And the house plants have survived the winter, some will go back outside once it’s warm enough, I am not winning the battle with the weeds outside it I do keep fighting that war.  

     I have been retired for over 6 months now. . And am still adjusting, I miss the $$, the routine and balance that working has given me, the patterns and now I have all that time to figure out what I need to do, what I should be doing and how to make sure I live with far less $$$ to do that living with.

But it’s past my bedtime and that rescue insane dog already has most of the bed. . . .I will be ok, and I am making slow progress on upstairs cleaning, the weed pulling, the debt reduction and life.