End of the year and schedules

I will be so glad when 2010 ends and the new year gets started. This has been the most painful, most stressful, most emotionally devastating year I have lived through and yes, I will be glad to see it end.
I swapped work days with the other 2nd shift clerk so he could have New Year's Eve off to play and will have Monday off, thought that would give me and that guy both Monday off, gee, normally he would be off Monday, works this weekend, but he's working as someone else needs Monday off, it's a small # of people that do that job, they, just like supply, work each others hours when needed.
So much for some quality time, rats, oh well, it's coffee at work again.
I think we need to exchange written work schedules so we can manage some Out of Plant time. And we both need to accept we cannot control or change the 'helpers' we have at work. We don't stick our noses into their personal lives but they do think they need to 'help' us, suggest, you name it. I figured it out a long time ago, I don't control other people, what they do, what they say and I sure can't stop them so I tune them out for the most part. They aren't paying my bills and are not living my life.
My accident, and it's effect on me, my body, my pain issues has really changed my world. And it has changed what I will or will not accept into my off work time. I have far too much on my shoulders to take on some 'needy' person. And, yes, I do get to decide what that defines, not the other person. It is my life, I almost lost it, I've had it changed drastically by the action of people I do not, did not know.
That's the reality, Mark Young and his wife had marriage problems, and a bitter argument on Jan. 14, 2010. So, he left for work, driving her car, in a very stressed state of mind, for a 3rd shift job. My day off and I had chosen to take Ben and Tamara to Springfield and we were returning home when Mark Young, still in an obvious upset, not paying close attention to his driving, state of mind, chose to pass 2 cars at high speed when traffic conditions made that an extremely unsafe, unwise decision. He hit my truck head on, going at high speed and he's dead.
My life is forever changed, I can't change it back and it was not my choice or my decision or my fault.
Tough luck, life goes that way, learn to live with what I have for a real life now. And after almost 3 months back at work, no, it won't get a lot better for me and my foot. I will limp, I will have pain, always, sometimes minor, sometimes moderate, sometimes pain that has me wanting to curl up some where and cry. But I am able to work and earn a living, keep my health insurance and slowly fix my financial mess and my old house.
But there's no space for fixing other people's problems or carrying their weight in life. There's not place for anyone with their own life a mess that could or would become problems or stress in mine. Not even as pals or friends. Yes, I will talk with people, yes I am still on 'good terms' with some but I don't have time for them, they want me to do something, it has to be on my time, my place, my terms.
No, don't ask me to go out of my way to do something for you, not load that bike and haul it to the buyer's house. It's a huge job for me to get the bike out of my own house and load it in my truck. Think about it, and decide you can do something different, even offering to come and load the bike in the truck would have gone over far better.
No, don't tell me your problems and battles with the place we both work and want me to take your side, keep me out of it, it's not my battle and I do not want or need involved. I don't drag anyone into my issues and problems, they are mine and I will deal with them.
And yes, I will make time for that guy I have coffee with, who is not trying to add to the weight on my shoulders, who does understand the mess I feel my life is in, that I do not have a lot left for a relationship with him but we can both work with what we both have to offer/want and ignore the 'helpers' at plant.
I will not do lunch out with DH, we are not dating, and his giving people at work, who gossip and gossip with maintenance crew, the impression that we are romantically involved has gotten him on my list of people I have little association with. It's made it into the boiler room, that damn talk and the boiler man and I talked about it, he knew I had dated DH ages past, gee, I dated that boiler man in the past..so, crew, we do know each other, quit helping~~~
But I don't need it being suggested that I have several 'playmates' or that I am playing head games with the boiler man or am just fishing for any man I can catch.
And I will get through the next month, the hopefully last appointment with my foot specialists and hopefully State Farm and I will within the first quarter of 2011 get the insurance settlement done, the medical bills off my back and I will start feeling a little less stress and pressure on me.
I have my tax software already installed and have started putting in my information so I can file very early and will hopefully be able to get rid of some of the debt load with the tax return.
I am slowly gaining but this week's mail brought more medical bills from the accident. I don't know what or how but will make sure State Farm looks into them closely as I don't see part of my settlement going to billing errors and with medical bills, there are a lot of 'billing errors' that insurance companies end up paying for services and stuff that was never done.
Long year, a lot of hard battles and hard emotional issues and it's not over yet. But I am getting there, and some things are behind me, so in ways, I am moving on and know it will work out.
At least I don't have someone else drilling holes in the boat while telling me they are going to build me a nice big shining new boat...
And that guy I have coffee with--called this morning and I definitely let him know it's on my game plan to get him pealed out of his clothes the first opportunity we both have for that, and he laughed and agreed we need to work on schedules. It's going to be a good 2011, even if he's working Monday and that sinks that pealing project we both hoped we would get to.

Hurting a lot. . . .

But I worked my 8 hours, got some 'housekeeping' done, was a quiet shift, and appreciated that. Ben's out and about, didn't show up and bring Kid in. It's cold but warmed enough the parking lot at work is mostly clear, they did plow but a lot was that solar power, black paving and sun melts snow and thin ice fast.
Julie's socks are done and I have started sleeves to a doll sweater in lace yarn on 1.5 mm needles. I can tell the sweater will grow slowly, I think it took almost 2 hours to knit the cuffs to the sleeves.
It's good to be home with Kid, tv and books, my knitting and no one to put demands on me or expect me to cook, clean or cater to them. Hart and I talked a few minutes about that dating stuff and hurting, I just don't have much time to give and when I hurt, I do not need or want to deal with anyone. The birds and dog are plenty of work and company for me most of the time. My pals on maint. have a good idea of how hard my work shifts get and how bad I hurt some times. They are glad I am back at work and many do what they can to make my work shifts easier, less walking, carry the parts for me, little things.
Tylonal helps some but some pain is just going to be a normal part of my life, every day. I am alive, I am working, I am slowly picking up the pieces of my life. A few more days and I will be into 2011 and hope to have a better year.
Finances are snug but the tax return will help, and every month I gain a bit on the medical bills. And sometime in the next couple months I should see the accident settlement done and have those medical bills off my back. I feel like I have a lot of 'monkeys' on my back at times.
A long and hard year but it's almost done. And I am going to get through the next couple months and spring will be coming soon or so I tell myself.

Snow, cold and quiet days...

It's snowed, and not only is it cold outside but I have the curent cold bug going around the plant. I did run errends with Ben Thursday and have been home and inside since. Did bake bread yesterday and made a pot of chili for meals here. Ben's been in and out, Kid's enjoyed having Ben around to play with too, Kid loves loads of people attention. I'm planning a hot bath and then into bed, will set the alarm for sometime before 4 am, it should be an easy day for me in plant, last Sunday of the month usually is. Not sure how many hours I will be putting in, but it will be ok, I like Sunday's in plant, maint, sometimes contractors and quiet so I can get cleaning done and I can get caugth up on some other 'housekeeping' type chores there.
Jake called and said it seemed strange to have warm weather for Christmas, the rain had stopped but thought it might be coming back, enjoying a couple days liberty and his feet were cosy in his newest pair of Mom made socks.

Ba Hum Bug

1 more work shift and then off for 3 days, some errands to run, some baking to do and a lot of quiet down time for me. My body needs the down time but the hours go faster often when I am working and there's no time for me to brood or be sad.
I miss Ben being around but am glad it's just the brids, Kid and me. I struggle to take care of me and my dog, my parrots, there's no way I need or want to take care of anyone else or deal with their problems.
And that hurting so much and not pushing myself hard here at home is part of that being very glad I am not involved with anyone who puts demands on me of any kind. Between the physical pain and the emotional hurting I am still having there's just not much quality 'Maggie' to share with anyone.
The trust stuff is at the lowest point I have probably ever been but I am quite fine with that for now, no one is pushing me to trust them either, at this time. It's almost 1 am and I need to be in bed and asleep, we have a storm coming in and I hope most of the world stays away and just lets me have peace and quiet. I don't enjoy all the commercial push and media brain washinig this time of year.

Some things can't be explained. . .

Or maybe I just won't explain..at least not to red hats and blue hats... It was just a cup of coffee, and trading my cup for 1 out of the boiler room...I'm not explaining any comments made by the delivery service, or why my face got so red...but needless to say, I will be a long time dealing with the entertainment the guys are having.
And I am eating my Sunday lunch in the boiler room every Sunday until the cafeteria renovations are done, as most of the work is being done after 10 pm on week days and all day Sundays. I'm not battling the constructions or the contractors that are doing the work. Some red hatted idiots want to make something about it, go ahead. I might get a bit red faced but I can live with that, they need entertainment I guess.
And that new work sweater has gone to work and it's great, comes off easily over my bump cap, is comfortable to wear and came out of the washer and dryer looking good. It's on the wooly board to finish drying and I will do photos.
Yesterday's pork tenderloin in the crock pot was today's lunch, along with the herbed potatoes and tonight some of that meat went into the rice cooker with some jasmine rice. I like sticky rice or asian rice varieties better than I do long grained rice. It's a bit more expensive but it's my budget.
And I got my cap knit, think I need to turn some more left over sweater yarn into caps. But Julie's socks get finished first. Jake's socks are on their way to him, and he's back at base, we talked and laughed last night.
He does think there was brain damage from the accident, that explains why I now have a big dog that needs a lot of exercise. And that big dog and I played tug with his rope toy while I talked to Jake. Ya, must be that accident that explains the dog, will use that excuse for him being spoilt also.
Oh, that delivered coffee, the cup belongs to 1 of the maint guys that doesn't work Sundays and it's brightly colored and reads Viagra in big print..the supervisor who was down in supply will have fun with that, he thinks well of me, and of the 'delivery boy' who brought the coffee.
My house sits on a very busy street corner, my neighbor south is in maint at the plant on 3rd shift and thinks well of me, gossips, my neighbor on my north also thinks well of me, doesn't gossip that I know of but is also now maint. supervisor in our plant. From their house you can easily see if anyone is parked in my back parking area with my truck, or if my truck is gone...no one is here visiting, I am not gone much except to work so hopefully the gossips won't create a lot of talk..oh, heck, there will be speculation no end..we are 2 single people who know each other outside of work....so, now the talk will start up again...and I will get teased. And nothing is going on..our schedules don't match, we live too far apart, it's too cold to go out much, I can't be gone overnight, I have Kid to think about. . . . .
But he's watched me start that blue sweater that was cut off me in that accident, and now he's the guy who's impressed with the work in the replacement and who understands right now my life seems to have no solid ground, no patterns, no routine and balance and I'm not able to give much or put much into more than I have going now.
And he knew bringing the coffee would create attention and talk, but he brought me a fresh cup of coffee anyway. And made me laugh, I got the joke, why that was the cup he 'borrowed' instead of any of the others sitting on the fridge in the boile rroom office. We'll see what the next couple months bring, hopefully I will soon get that last doctor's appointment done, and the insurance settlement done. It won't be long before it's tax time, and Jake's leave, get through the anniversary of that accident, and moving on with rebuilding my life. Maybe there will be time for more than coffee, outside the plant, without all the audience....

Day off work. .. .

So, I'm off work today and it's cold and gray outside. I am making good progress on the blue sweater, 1 more pattern repeat and then knit 3 inches of ribbed cuff on the last sleeve, work in the ends and it's ready for a bath and to be dried and blocked.
And I have 2 balls of lace weight yarn waiting to knit a couple doll sweaters. I need to deal with the damaged electrical outlet in the kitchen and I will get it dealt with today and then see if the microwave is dead or will work.
I need to deal with the christmas cards and have some bills to put in order, insurance paperwork to get in order and mailed. The dishes need washed, laundry need dealt with, floors need swept and hopefully I will get something done today.
Kid wants to play and the house is a bit small for his romping and being wild dog. I might bundle up and take him for a walk, but it depends on what I get done and how the weather goes today.
I'm still working on getting through this year, I know there are many people in this world who have had far worse years, Haiti has not been a good place to live this past year, I am far better off than people living there.
And my sister Lucy hasn't had the best year either, it's not the same sort of year I have had but it's been hard and challenging for her too.
I might be many years working out all the kinks and the problems this year has brought and my right foot/leg will never get it all worked out. But I will work through this challenge and I will survive. I will never be the same woman I was before the accident, I am not able to explain all the ways it's changed me but there are changes that I have to learn to live with and that I have to adapt to in some ways.
Had to deal with some dishonesty and deception in someone I had for years envisioned as being different than he really was. I did not know him well when we were young and the lives we have lead have contributed greatly into the people we have become. I am certainly not the person he thought I was, and I expect I also 'let him down' in who I have become.
All the years I have lived, the choices I have made, good and bad, are what has made me into the person I am now. And I am a WORTHWHILE person, a strong and capable person who pays their bills on time, who works their job to the best of their abilities and who has picked up the pieces of life more than once and will do it this time also.
Jake posted on my wall so now I have an address to send a box, looks like an address for a wife of someone in his platoon. I will have to finish up his socks and get a box together with his current mail and maybe some cookies or some goodie. I've missed being able to send Jake and his pals boxes.
Well, the mail jeep has come and gone so I need to go check the mail and get back to that blue work gansey. It will be great to have it done and be able to wear it to work.

cold winds and hard work shifts

That midwest storm is blowing through here, we've had some rain but so far no snow or ice. But it's cold bitter winds outside and both Kid and I are glad for a warm house and a job that give me a paycheck to pay that utility bill, buy our food and even allow us tv and goodies.
It wasn't really cold today in the storeroom and warehouse but I was really busy and pushed myself hard and fast. My damaged foot does NOT appreciate my trying to walk fast, so I came home with a lot of pain and am keeping my cane handy as I need it a lot. Hopefully tomorrow I won't push myself quite as hard, I can't work on receiving on Sundays so that should help soon.
I know there is stuff we need, parts that maint. might need tomorrow so tried to get as much of the waiting freight checked in and put away but I dont' think I made a very big dent.
The blue sweater is looking good, the 2nd sleeve is now past the purl rib that separates the upper patterns from the lower and I have worked over 2 sets of the lower pattern and once both sleeves are the same length I will try it on again and decide how much longer the sleeves need to be before I do the cuffs.
I want to start the purple sweater soon and I also have yarn coming for several doll sweaters, and have a skein of yarn I bought Thursday for doll sweaters. I think spending the winter tucked in and knitting, reading, watching movies is a great idea. I have to go to work, and do some shopping, some bill paying but think other than the 'have to' I will hibernate this winter.
Know my life is going ok, am content and like my life, do a lot of laughing, Kid is funny, he's gotten so big, I had to loosen his collar again but he still thinks he should be allowed to crawl onto my lap. He's not big enough to put a saddle on yet but it's a thought if he doesn't quit growing.
A couple of the guys in maint have me laughing too, it's a joke that we 'get' but not everyone would. They are part of my weekend crew, part of the boiler room coffee club and I'm glad to have them as part of my work world.
I need to get busy with writing my annual christmas letter, should have done it on my days off, might work on it tomorrow after work.
Kid says it's time to go out for him, think it's soon going to be bedtime, we are up early here on Sunday mornings

Gansey Progess

I know it's a ways from done but the sun was shining in the south window so I decided the light was good for photos. I am pleased with the fit of the sweater, have fretted a bit about the fit of the sleeves but it's working well. I will work the ends in today and maybe even pick up the 2nd sleeve. I have the first sleeve almost to the point of changing it to the lower body pattern.
And I am thinking 1 in a greenish color might also make a 'dirt hiding, work sweater color' but right now I don't have the funds for yarns.
I do have all 7 seasons of star trek voyager now to watch while I knit, and am enjoying seeing the progress. It's not fast but I am pleased.
It should be a real busy shift tonight and then I have 2 days off, a GYN appointment in Springfield tomorrow morning that I forgot about but Julie might go with me and I have the knitting, might come home by way of Jackonville and show off the sweater at the shop where I bought the yarn.
Now it's time to get busy with that knitting...

Monday

It's December's first Monday, it's about 18 degrees outside, blue skies, some clouds, some wind, and my Star Trek Voyager DVD set should be here today. But I have work this afternoon..rats, rats...

Sat and did the bill paying thing I did not do this past Friday because I was at Cargill working for double time. Now I still need to do the math and balance the checkbook and decide what else needs done.

Jake called yesterday, about 4 hours out of Hawaii and let me know his leave was on hold, hoped I did not already buy his plane tickets, no, had been waiting for a 2nd call to make sure about dates and times. He thinks maybe in Feb or March, it's the military, in the Marines stuff, Mom knows, wants a workable mailing address, please.

Celtic Women are going to be in Peoria 4/28 and tickets go on pre-sale this week, and I think I will buy 1 and go. Had such a great time when I went before, love their music so think I will do it again.

I bought a doll knitting pattern for a cabled, hooded sweater and then ordered some lace weight yarn to knit with, 3 skeins so that gives me enough for some fun play. I won't work with it until my work gansey is done, I know me, I would get busy with playing with doll knitting and then not have my much wanted work sweater and it's going to be time to be wearing it at work.

Greg took the hose down to the maint shop and repaired it for me, now it doesn't leak and has a new swivel and is such an improvement, and Chris cleaned the drains that run through the storeroom floors so now when I do hose and clean our floors, the water drains away much faster and so doing floors every Sunday is a much easier job.

I love our maint guys, or something like that. Most are great to deal with, treat me with patience and good attitudes and rarely make my work shift more difficult. I hope our new dept head does understand the stock needs for some of the stuff we seem to be out of so often. It makes their jobs harder when we don't have some of the parts they need, over and over. Stop buttons are hard plastic, screw on and off and break, there are these all over the plant, think about every piece of equipment has 1, so we have an empty bin most of the time, get them in 1 at a time or maybe as many as 3.

And caulk, we are out of caulk most of the time, maint should not have to send someone to the local hardware store for caulk or a simple 110 outlet, you name it..

But life's pretty good in my world here. Not perfect but there is food in the house, the bills keep being paid on time, the job is going ok, the co-workers are being as human as they can be, LOL, and Kid loves me, even if I am in the kitchen with the laptop and he can't get close enough to be happy.

The work gansey is growing well, I can now try it on and like the fit, working the first sleeve and have to knit 3+ inches before I can tell if I picked up enough stitches or if I have to rip back and start again. But so far, I think it's enough...going to love that sweater, going to brag on that sweater and the crew at work know it.

Reasons to laugh

Kid makes me laugh, playing tug of war with his rope toy, watching him slide on the wood floor, just Kid being Kid and all legs and tail, the dog makes me laugh.
Wearing my own hand knit sweaters, oh, ya, it's now cold enough to appreciate those sweaters and it's a real ego lift, my creativity, my work, part of them my own design, all of them made for just me. Walking into work or walking out, I might hurt and limp but hey, I can design and knit and proudly wear my work.
Tonight I got an offer to buy 1 of my dolls, the most recent one, who I got at a real steal on e-bay. I would not have bid if I could not afford to pay for what I was bidding on, or if I did not want what I was bidding on. Oh, I admit I only bid the opening amount, that was all the budget would allow....but wording of the e-bay ad, timing, length of time the bid was open(really short) and 1 bid got the dolls, #19/25, signed by the artist.
So, my posting a the doll group might have seemed like I did not want the doll, but it's me being me. She came from CA, to rain and cold, dressed in summery outfit, into winter. So, I don't think the new kid likes it here, but I have no doubts she will adjust, get to feel it's home and she's part of the family--probably about the time I have time to sew and she has something to wear that looks a bit more suitable to winter in central IL, in a house where the heat gets turned down when I leave for work, when I go to bed..gee, between work and sleep, that makes the temps here a bit chilly for a 'child' in a light weight, sleeveless, dressed up dress.
So, a polite thank you but No the doll is not for sale, she will adjust to her new home, she will get to know her new 'family' and settle in.
I have a great life, admit to missing the really brain working conversations and debates and talks Sam and I had, years of life with a man with sharp brains who used them, I will always miss that. And I miss the tight friendship and 'together' Mick and I had, 5 years that were almost all quality, priceless time. I have a 'yardstick' I measure men I date by, from my granddad to Sam and Mick.
Now I have that figured out, not much interest in dating men who won't measure up to the standards/yardsitck someone else put there. No reason to accept less, it just doesn't work, and until I either no longer expect more than the men I know now, or until I meet someone who doesn't need to be measured and found lacking, not dating works really well.
It feels good to come home, knowing Kid is waiting, the birds are glad to have me home, I can unwind my way, according to my mood and wants. I can talk to the dolls like they are alive, I can work on my knitting or not.
It took a long time to get the peace and balance I now have inside me, it got really shook with the car accident and the long recovery. A man from the past not being who I thought he was, and not being the man he said he was also rocked that some. But I've got that 'solid' back.
There's a lot that still needs worked on, finances, the paperwork and settlement from the accident, all the little life details, but the core me, it's back on solid ground once again and I'm finding my direction and what really matters.
And I come home from work and Kid makes me laugh with joy.

Happy Thanksgiving

The bread dough is rising slowly, it's wet, it's cold, but it's a good day, and going to stay a good day off work. I should be off tomorrow also but it looks like I might be working next Thursday and Friday.
I made a major Dumb error on my blue gansey and had to rip back close to 3 inches of progress, like a week or more of work on it because I forgot to put the underarm gusset stitches on holders for later. No wonder it looked so wide. But I will gain some progress today and tomorrow, need to figure how long I need that chest area before starting the neck shaping and I have to measure the width of the center cable as that will also be the shoulder strap.
I want this sweater to fit closer than my heavier sweaters, it's a lot lighter weight yarn so I will be wearing it a lot more inside, over a thin t-shirt or light weight turtleneck type or less. I am liking how it's working out, and hope the size is what I have worked out on paper.
Kid and I are still enjoying the house to ourselves, and less mess and noise.
My foot and I are doing better than I expected and I am working on that 'gait' stuff which is helping me have less pain in my left hip joint. The work shifts still get long and hard some nights, but I don't remember when I took something for pain. I do remember taking cold meds last week but am not sure I hurt enough with my foot, hip joint or any other parts to need something for pain.
I'm also not waking up hurting and have mornings I can get around the house without the cane at the start of my day. I judge my quality of life by how much I need to take something for pain and now, by how much I need that cane to get around. There are mornings my first walk outside around the house with Kid are with the cane but I did not need it this morning.
It looks like a wet and gray day, followed by another wet and gray day. I'm ok with that as I did not have plans for much out of the house stuff.
I'm going to let everyone else do the wild and crazy shopping and instead stay home, enjoy my knitting, dog, birds, house, projects to play with and really like my quiet life.
Having decided I really pick the worst choices in men to have relationships with I am really content with no significant other, no lover, no dating and just appreciating the fact I didn't make worse financial decisions than the ones I made with the last dating/in love.
And I am looking at income tax time and getting my software downloaded and start working on my tax return. this year I should see more of my paid in taxes back, LOL, I am low income for this year.
I am so hoping 2011 is a far better year for me than 2010 has turned out to be. It did have a good start but sure changed with that accident and all that brought into my life. I am dealing with it, I am fixing what I can, accepting what I can not change and finding my way around the rocks in my road.
Emotionally I am a stronger person, and in some ways, a harder person, physically, I will always have some challenges now that were not a part of my life a year ago.
And we still do not know who will get the purchasing manager job but did learn last night at least 1 of my co-workers applied for the opening and I can't imagine a bigger disaster than any of the supply clerks having that job, none of us have the qualities and abilities the job really needs.
And talk is day clerk will retire after our current purchasing manager retires, I will bid that opening but expect it to go to 1 of our 3rd shift clerks, she mentioned to someone she wanted to be on days and with her husband now home, he's had heart surgery this past summer and apparently will not be coming back to his job with our food service. He might be going back to teaching which is days.
Regardless, I do have a job with livable paycheck, good benefits and that I do like working. I don't expect my world to make any huge changes anytime soon and I can sure appreciate some stability for a while, a very long while.

Paying the bills, getting Monday started

I put off sitting down and writing checks until today, payments on the medical bills from the accident. It will be a while before the insurance settlement, wish I had known that and a lot more many months ago. I would have made payments on those bills and had them paid off.
But I will manage to keep everything paid, keep Kid and I fed and hopefully keep the dog in chew toys so he leaves my shoes alone.
It's way too warm for this time of year, 69 degrees right now and it's confusing my plants that should be dormant and resting now. And we have possibility of rain off and on all week.
But at least I am getting closer to this year being over. It's not been a really good year and it's been a very expensive year and an emotionally taxing one also.
Some regrets but since I can't change the past, not recent and not long ago, I will look forward and go on with my life.
Jake is in Cebu Philippines right now, I don't know if his dad made the effort to get to Cebu to see our boy but it's not because Jake has not made the effort or because I didn't let Sam know what time and where Jake and the ship would be.
That's another touchy place in my heart, Jake and Sam and Sam's move, marriage, things beyond explaining had me crying on my days off. And I know I hurt Jake some when I told him that if his dad did not come to Cebu to see him, it's because Jake was not high enough on his dad's priority list. And he and I would both have to accept that and live with what we could not change.
Sam's choices have hurt both Jake and Ben so much and have hurt me too, hurt my boys, hurt me. We will get through this, and Jake is working on building his own life. I just hope his dad does not ask him for money. Jake has given his dad enough over the years, sweat equity, money, dedication, you name it, Jake paid over and over. It's time Jake quit paying for our failed marriage, Sam's remarriage and what that did.
And it's long past time I quit letting Sam guilt trip me. I wasn't the only 1 who failed our marriage, nor was I the 1 not willing to get some help to deal with our relocation and the depression problems Sam was having.
So, now I work on getting done what I need done, on my small little life and it's details, on the dishes done, work shifts put in, house work done, time with Kid done. All the small stuff that is my life here.
And it's a good life that I do really like and appreciate. And a small step at a time, I am getting it back into working, livable order. I am pulling my finances out of the pit they fell into with this accident and with some poor choices in what I did with the lost wages pay I did receive.
Brainless choices, and now I will make smarter choices, not only with money but also with who I spend time with, who I let be a part of my life.
Need a shower and work clothes, drop off the medical bills at the post office, stop at Dollar General for AA batteries and Kid chews, home to get ready for work, Mondays are always busy at plant, lots for me to get done.

That dating game

I'm single, so are 2 of my gal pals, several of my sisters, people I know at work. Me, I'm not dating anyone, no relationship, no 'friends with bed benefits' and at this time of my life, with all that is going on and my work schedule, free time, you name it, I don't have time to play 'date' and all that stuff.
1 of my co-workers in supply plays the dating game, this guy is wonderful for a while, all men are no good for a while (very short while) and back to this guy's really great...
1 of my sisters, after 25+ years of marriage is now divorced and dating, looking for her perfect soul mate, her 'forever' love. I am not sure how many 'glass slippers' she has tried on in the past year but plenty. It seems like the shoe will fit, oh, it doesn't fit just right, and on to the next 'prince' or frog.
Maybe I am just burned out, maybe it's menopause, the accident, my old age. It's a lot more fun for me to sit on the sidelines and watch or hear about that dating stuff than it is to try and make time to do much dating or even fit time to get to know someone. I know a lot of guys, like many of them at work--ya, that's where I like them, at work. So, as long as I know them at work and don't know them outside work I like them. And I see them when they come to supply for parts or supplies. And I don't want to know them outside the plant.
It's not that I don't think there are some really great men out there that are single and of an age that I would date, it's that I don't want to be involved, I don't want to share my space or my time. I don't need some one to keep me company, I don't often get lonely. I don't need entertained or supported or taken care of.
The last man who wanted to take care of me did not take care of his own self and his responsibilities in a way that worked for my outlook and values. That learning and getting to know him better cost me some of that money stuff and some of that time stuff but at least I don't have any 'what ifs' left where he's concerned. Our ways are different, our paths in life are different.
But I am going to be entertained by the dating game, do hope my sister doesn't get too hurt or her head and life messed up with her looking for mr perfect. But I will get entertained too.

It's not the zoo but. . .

some days the place I work seems a bit crazy. Somewhere up the ladder there were budget cuts and we don't stock more than 1 of many items, so once that valve is issued out we might be 2 weeks before it's replacement shows up in our incoming freight. I'm not sure how it saves money for maintenance to run to the local hardware store for valves and plumbing fittings we should have in stock. But I am just a supply clerk, not the purchasing manager, and with our current manager retiring this December I have no idea who will have the job or what changes there will be.
And Anthony got another 3 day suspension, this is the second in less than a month. He wants fired so he can draw unemployment and work on some cars he has bought. He dreams of his own business and I wish he would go chase that dream and not make the work situation in supply harder on the rest of us.
He will be back by mid week, so I can count on tomorrow and Tuesday as good work days and Wed as interesting at the best, and rough and annoying at worst. But he's working at getting fired and when it happens and his job slot goes up to bid, I will bid for that slot and be on 2nd shift from Tuesday to Saturday. Not a big change but think it's the thing to do, if and when the opening comes up on the bidding board.
and now it's time to knit and watch a movie with Kid, we have Muppets in Space on and I've not seen it so it's way past time.

another Friday and doctors report

Today Julie went with me and we did breakfast first at Denny's and then my 8:30 doctor appointment. Foot and I are doing good, I am to get an addition applied to the soles of the right shoes/work boots to see if that helps the pain in the left hip joint I am having, especially the longer I have been on my feet. And I see him again in 2 months.
We did some errands, I shopped for heater for friend James, his old house has a wall panel heater that is no longer legal or safe. I found the electric baseboard type I have and won't sell or give up but know that won't work long term and also looked at some ventless gas heaters that are wall mounted. He probably will need to do some updating with his gas line but I think the electric heater is good for supplementing but the best choice is something gas that will provide enough heat and at an affordable price. He's new to this old house owning and repairing but got the duplex he was renting at a very great price so he and nephew are learning how to do what they can. Each has 1/2 of the house so they each have their own place but sure share all the problems of a neglected rental.
And Julie loves her socks, I finally have them started and far enough knit that you can tell how the yarn is working up for color patterns.
So, it was a good day, now the birds, dog and I have the house, Ben is out and gone and his back pack is gone so I expect he will be back several days from now, the laundry is washed and the first load is still drying, I will soon be in bed and up early for day shift tomorrow.
I need to find the sweater pattern for my gansey and start work on designing the chest patterns. It won't be long before I start that, it's almost long enough to start my underarm gussets. But that is still a long way from a finished and wearable sweater.

Patience will pay off, LOL

Had a good day playing in Springfield Friday, did pick up a 32" fat screen t.v. for my bedroom and a very tiny Ipod shuffle for work, it's tiny enough to tuck into my bra and have the earbud cords run up and clip handy. It's for work on those days it's slow and I'm in and out of the storeroom area. At $39 and 2 gb it will work great, there is 1 button on the tiny thing and a control on the earbud wire. Enough battery for a work shift, so it's going to be great, I have flash drives that are physically bigger.
And dear Apple has gen 2 Ipad scheduled to release in 6-8 weeks. I knew I didn't want to buy one now, it will wait. I don't want to put it on credit and I don't have the money for it, and I need to be more practical right now.
Work was good, I didn't get enough parts/inventory counting done but did get some other things done that needed done. I do want to bid to the slot Anthony has if/when it's available. Ad the days slot would be even better for my foot. But I do like my current schedule, get a lot of cleaning done, sometimes manage to put some stuff where it belongs and I can also pick up some overtime now and then without taxing my body too much.
It's getting cold and I have a lot of outside work to do. Ben said he would help me remove the air conditioner from my bedroom window after I got home from work but he's not here so maybe it will get done tomorrow. It lets a lot of cold air in and covering it would help but it doesn't do as much good as removing it.
Time for Kid and I to get comfortable and watch tv and knit, I keep hoping Kid learns something from those knitting lessons.

Chili and friends

Otto and Lou both came to supper and watch How To Train Your Dragon with me. It was a great supper with 2 people that I enjoy seeing and don't often have time now that I am working.
I bound off 1 of Jake's socks and am doing the black ribbing on the top of the second one. And worked on folding some of that mountian of laundry I did yesterday. The floors are cleaner and the needed filters were changed.
It's a good day off and I will be having another one tomorrow, not the same as today, maybe I will get some outside work done, maybe I will go to town and look for a replacement for my sound system that doesn't like to work. The speakers are still fine, I just need something to make them work, play music cds, play dvds..but know it's not top of the priority list...I can take the cover off this one and maybe that will make it work, did the trick last time.
It's cold and windy outside, will be glad to have that heat for the bed and the dog to help warm up my back..if he will do that. He spent most of last night on his own dogbed. Otto thinks it's a good idea to get his house a bed and was pleased to know I found a door, he will lend a hand installing it if I need the help.
I am thinking on the house changes I want so I have more space for spiral stairs.
My life is getting some things back that were a part of me and my world before the accident but I won't ever be the same. It's not just my foot/leg and the walk. There's so much I have no words to explain. I'm tighter on my values, it's not so much as they have changed, it's that they are more solid and defined. Priorities are different, now that I am back at work I am sorting that 'important' list out.
My need for self reliance is stronger, and I am working on making my home and my finances to where they meet my needs for that. Having the debt load paid down and off and accounts closed matters more to me now that it did in the past.
I drifted for most of the months while I was healing from this accident, now I am getting control of my life back and I am no longer willing to just drift. It's going to take time, but I am gaining strength every week. And I am coping better with so many things now.
And tomorrow will be a really good day, Kid and I might even get to the park so he can run and do the wild dog thing. Do the internet bill paying thing, see what the weather is like, and then decide what I am doing with the day. I know Not doing lunch with Darrell is high on that list of what I am NOT doing. We are NOT dating, and no matter what talk is going about the plant, I am not involved with him, and I am not going to encourage him or anyone to think we are involved than just friends and not close friends.

IPAD, IPAD, think it's a bad addiction thing

And I don't know if I would even play/use it enough to make it worth the $$$ that they cost..but it doesn't stop me from drooling over them.
So long as it's only drooling I am safe. I need to make long lists of what I want paid off, of what needs done here, of what really matters to me..
I have a huge amount of debt load to get paid down. I have an old house that has huge needs and all of them cost huge amounts of that money stuff. I have loads of dolls that would like me to sew for them, I have socks for Jake to finish, I have a sweater for me to knit, I have yarn to knit socks for Julie. I have 3, yes, 3 computers that all work..and 2 Ipod critters, and there is NO reason to want that IPAD so much.
I do remember the Christmas Jake and I did Des Moines, and the ITOUCH was the new, just released Apple toy to have. I looked and drooled and decided that since it was new, Apple had generation #2 already in the factories and gen #3 on the drawing boards. And prices would drop and they would improve.
And it happened, so if I had bought that Itouch then I would have within a couple months wished I had waited a few months. I think that is the way it will be with the Ipad, it is very popular, it's selling well so I have no doubt that gen #2 and #3 are being worked on, and that prices might drop some, hard drive will increase and the next generation released will be an improvement on this one, and there will be several models to choose from.
So, everyone, beat me if I start trying to budget payments for that Ipad any time soon. Tell me I can wait until after tax time, after the settlement, buy 1 as a New roof is done reward...buy 1 as 'I now have central air' reward...buy 1 when I have 2 bathrooms in this house and both work..buy..ya, ya, just so I don't buy 1 any time really soon, I am better off buying the north bathroom a window replacement, buying the windows I want for the dormer I plant to have put in with the roof job...windows, think windows, not pads, especially Ipads

Grubby, nasty, food filled keyboards

I admit to eating at the computer, that's why my laptop has a cool keyboard cover for it's keyboard. Ben is the 1 who really makes a mess, a sticky, ugly gross mess of my keyboard. So, I have a sealed, washable, flexible one ordered and then went and cleaned the old 1 this morning along with getting the dishes done. I managed to loose the K key but have the 'end' key in it's place, don't use that 'end' key enough to miss it. And will have a food and drink tolerable keyboard here soon. There's a reason I don't often use the big computer....
It's 41 now outside, and I am going to strip the bed and dig out that heated mattress pad and put clean sheets on the bed. I want it warm and cosy when I crawl in, especially when I hurt a lot and am beat tired. And I am going to see if I can live with the heat set at 71 this winter, know last winter it was between 72 and 74 but I need to keep a tighter budget this year. I will encourage Kid to be cuddly and provide heat, and dress warmer. I can no longer run around the house bare foot due to the foot problems from the accident so that will help me feel warmer, socks and shoes, padded slippers are now a part of life.
My body is managing work better than I expected/feared but I have a long way to go yet. But it feels so great to be back in plant, to be doing my job and to be working hard to do my job to the best of my abilities.
Ben is out and about again, so it's just Kid and me. we are ok with that except for the long work hours when Kid is outside. He will benefit from some of this overtime, I already got him a good house and now will get it the pad made for that model doghouse, and the door for it and the electric heat pad. then I will have to move the house so it's close enough to plug that heat pad in. It's made for exterior use and the outlet is 1 that can switch off, duu, forgot what they are called.
I am going to look into electric fencing for the entire yard so Kid will stay better in our yard and not have to be on his cable run. I would love chain link fencing around most of the place but need a survey first, and it's a lot of labor to put up the fence. Something I can't do alone now, that's for sure.
1 of my pals wants to do lunch out Thursday if I don't end up scheduled to work. I need to get everyone to understand Thursday-IF I don't work is MY home day. I don't want to go far from home, I have a list of stuff I want done that day and I want to have a lot of down with feet up time and Kid time. Fridays my paycheck is in the bank, I might have errands and maybe even can play a bit..so Friday is my out and about day--if I am not needed at work.
I will get that worked out, and will stand firm, it's what schedule works for me and for the dog and for the stuff here I need or want to do. If Julie is off that day, she's over to play and sew and that too is high on my list of important.
I am going to hope the next 2 shifts are peaceful with both Anthony and I working, his attitude is NOT improved by his most recent suspension. And now he and Tina T. are very aware that I am capable and quite willing to take overtime from them. I have the seniority over them, and that's what paying those union dues all these years is all about. They complain about the hours and about overtime, ok, no problem, I will work it and be glad to have it if it works for my schedule and for my body. I am not going to beat myself to death just to rub it in their noses that I don't mind the overtime and that I have more time in plant than either of them do.
But I was off 8.5+ months and everyone worked a lot of hours they might not have wanted because of my long recovery from the accident, now it's my turn to work and theirs to have some time off.
I can sure use the money to pay off those co-pays on the medical bills and to pay larger payments on my credit debts and get those paid off and closed. I can re-build my savings accounts and have funds for work on my old house once again.
Well, I am going to put that dragon training movie in and enjoy it while I work on digging out the warm winter bedding and get the bed ready for cold winter nights and a very spoilt and whiny old woman

Love the internet

Comfortable in bed to get a few hours rest before heading back to the plant to work 3rd shift and checked my bank account and paid a couple bills. Now, you have to admit there is a lot of really bad stuff out there in cyberspace but it's a great tool also, it all depends on how you choose to use it.
Most of my bills I can pay on line, I can be sure they are paid and I can have proof they are paid. And I can do it any time of day or night and from anywhere I have internet connection. Now, that's convenient and makes my very busy work life easier.
I put in 16 hours overtime this past week and will be putting in 7.5 or more this coming week, so the credit debt got payments early and more than the min. amount, the city utilities all get paid and next week the savings gets extra $$ and the medical bills get paid, some will be paid off, a small loan gets an early payment again and I am paying extra on it every month too. And then the check after that, the house payment for January will get paid.
And I found some stuff called Blue=Emu that seems to really help with the foot pain, it's not some warm up, hot feeling stuff, and no smell so if it helps and makes life easier, I will make sure it's on the budget. I like feeling I am getting a few pieces of my life back into some sort of working order. I am starting to have a financial plan every week once again.
And I am thinking and talking next spring's flowerbeds and garden work. That too, it's part of my normal little world. I know I have a long ways to go, I don't expect the settlement with the accident to take place before the end of the year but I can hope.
It would be nice to be starting the new year with that done and moving on with my life. And Jake and maybe Red might be home on leave in early Jan., so I will hope they both can come and I will plan and hope to take my week of vacation time then.
I'm looking at flat screens for the bedroom and drooling over the IPAD but I don't have Mac computers so at this time an Ipad would be a seriously limited and very high $$$ toy..and they don't do any USB Flash drives stuff..so that means they are really limited when it comes to storage. I'm here in bed with my small netbook and it's got a lot larger hard drive than the biggest they put in an Ipad, and has 3 usb ports, does more and was far lower. But I still really like that Ipad, it's so cool, I can imagine reading e-books anywhere with it..and I am starting to really like e-books, some books I have in the attic I now have in the Toshiba as e-books, free e-books, and I have several in here. And I love the idea of downloading them onto a flash drive so I can move them from computer to computer. I don't want an e-reader, they have too small of screens to suit my old eyes.
So, despite the accident, I feel I have a really good life and it's getting back on solid ground, I am dreaming old house projects once again and knowing some will become reality as finances get better. The flowerbeds will improve, there will be a garden once again so I can share produce again with friends and people I know.
I am so liking this not dating and no man/relationship in my life. Just friends and pals works well for me, I don't want more, don't miss or want any more, don't want slobbered on, pawed or otherwise handled.
It's just a very good time for being solitary. I'm not alone, I have some close and valuable friends and my sons, and I have to admit that dog sure is devoted to me, even with the long work hours when he's outside on his cable run and Mom is gone...
Knitting and sewing are taking a back seat to work right now, but know that will balance out in time. We never go long with this much overtime to sign up for, I didn't plan to do any but I'm the 1 working the best schedule to work for most of the others, it's the 'advantages' of the supply clerk slot I have. And day shift/weekdays has the easiest work load..and I hope someday it's mine. But it's got to be posted to bid for first, and Max is still working, and I don't wish her out of her needed paycheck...I can wait, or most days I think I can.

work schedules might get crazy

The current sign up sheet has a lot of empty spaces, Anthony's hours this week, Max's hours tomorrow day shift, Gwen's hours Sunday. I have signed to work today Anthony's hours, and Max's day shift, will do splits with Friday night and Saturday night if needed.
I do know suspension is either 3 days or indefinite, and terminated is just that. The union can help if the plant decision was unfair or against contract. So, with Anthony walked out Tuesday that would mean he would be back Friday IF it was a 3 day suspension.
Friday's 2nd shift hours are up on the board so that means he is not expected back Friday or Saturday.
My foot might not tolerate all the hours I might be asked to work but I already talked to my dept. management and told them I would do all I could to help out. I know everyone had to work more hours than they wanted to with my absence for 8.5 months with this auto accident.
I plan to bid Anthony's slot when it goes up on the board. He won a bid to the kill floor so if he gets back, he will probably be leaving the department. And in time Max's day slot will be on the board to bid and I will bid that but probably won't get it right away.
I already told Ben I will need a lot more help around here so I can survive the overtime, my foot and I will need a lot of down time when I am not at work.
The extra money will be nice but I can make it without it, I will increase what goes into savings and I will pay more on the credit debts and on any medical bills from the appendix project.
I have some outside clean up work I will get Ben's help with but it's getting to be a good time to hole up and be inside.
Before the accident I looked at overtime as 'play' money and did that with a lot of it. Now I see it as opportunity to lower my debt load and increase my savings. Going to play is a lot harder now, walking is more effort, drives to Springfield are longer and harder now.
It would be nice to start 2011 with my savings built back up, with my debt load lower than it was at the start of 2010 and with the settlement done or soon to be done and knowing I could get the old roof torn off this house and a new dry roof on.
I might buy some new undies and get rid of some of my very old ones, Victoria's Secret stuff lasts for years and years, the weight I gained gives me a good excuse to toss out some old scanties and get new. I would like a few nice button front type shirts and will shop on line for those but I have enough pants/jeans. I will replace my cargo pants with Carhart work jeans, as they wear out. But clothes wise, I am in good shape for now.
I might subscribe to Piecework magazine once again, but I doubt if I buy any e-readers, I can download e-books, many of them free into my laptop and my netbook so cannot see spending the money. I like the IPAD but it's very $$$ and not a 'toy' I need. Liking it is not enough reason to shell out huge $$$ when I have debts that need the money more.
If I manage well I can be free of most or all of my credit card debt in 2-3 years. And that would be a good place to be. The house would get more money for improvements and I could save more and worry less.
I will say that Anthony's being walked out Tuesday solved my social delema, Darrell wanted me to go to Springfield with him today, and I want my Thursdays to be home and down a lot, do stuff here. My foot likes life a lot better that way, I don't want a dating relationship with Darrell and he's on vacation and bored, his problem and not mine.
I like him as a friend but I enjoy running to Springfield with Ben more, and when it comes to going out to eat, a book or Ben are often higher on the list for company unless Kim or Julie are free.
We dated once, it did not work, I can like him as a friend and not want more involved. I just don't want or need a dating/romantic/intimate relationship at this time. My life is way too complicated, I don't have the time or energy or desire. I don't even dream of men in my life or bed and right now I really like it that way.
Ben didn't come home, he's still over with James and Luis working on their water line or played games and slept late, I want him to come home, packing my DVD of How to Train Your Dragon so I can watch it again...before I go to work today, again. I did that last Thursday, was called in and here I am, this time I won't be called in, I signed the work sheet, no sense in making it hard on management, it's not their fault. They need me to work and I will do what I can. They do treat me well and do value me.

Work Fun..or something like

I headed to work in a great mood yesterday, lunch out with D.H., picked up a new pair of jeans ON Sale, and so the day started well. T.T. had problems with the label printer so did not receive much new stock, it's really backed up. Allen. would hand write the labels when needed but guess it's not done that way now....so not much stock to put away.
A.M. was back, after his 3 days 'sick' and 2 normal 'off' days and was in the office within minutes..I have no idea what went on or why, some gossip but not really my business. He was walked out, either suspended or terminated and no idea if he is gone for good or for just a day or 2... but I did enjoy the peaceful work shift.
I don't want a lot (or any) overtime right now, my body needs time to adjust and it's still healing from the accident. But it looks like I will be working a lot of overtime as we deal with manning problems in a department with few people and some who are not willing to help carry the load.
I will do what I can but I do know my limits and will not push them very far. The others can do their part, management can deal with it, I am human and much slower than I was before the accident and will not kill myself or do myself permanent damage.
And the order from Fort Western came today, 1 pair of jeans are back ordered but the other 2 are in the washer with what was left. I did most of the laundry yesterday.
Next will be to sort out the undies and toss some out and replace them when I can. It means a trip to Springfield and time at Victoria's Secret so that will all depend on the work load and how beat tired I am after work.
The truck is down at Bruce's for oil change and check the passenger front wheel area, there's grease all over the rim from center out so I am concerned about wheel bearings or something else. I don't think it's leaking brake fluid but Bruce can check it and fix it and I can pay the bill.
And payroll not only paid me the week of vacation I wanted to sell but also paid me the 2 days I had from last year coming so with the overtime and vacation pay I will be paying bills and have some breathing space. It does not go to medical bills this week but my credit and utility bills here.
Next week I might do medical bills again, and then the check after that will again be the house payment. I am starting to get some balance and pattern again as to who I am working for each week and who gets paid. It will take a while and I will be very glad when most of the medical bills are off my shoulders.
Well, the washer is done so need to toss that stuff into the dryer. And since my bed is buried under clean clothes I need to do something with them, get a shower, get down to the shop and check on my truck, get ready for work..same old thing..and probably a lot of stock to put away and possibly working alone again...makes for less work and far more peace. I can handle that for the most part...

Too many chores yet to do here

But I did wash the dishes and I might actually work on putting away my clean clothes today before I head to work. The garden clean up will wait a bit, the shovel I need is across town where Ben is helping with water line replacement from the new city meter into the house, lots of hard digging I am so glad I am not helping with.
Work is going ok, I come home miserable with pain often and beat tired but I think slowly I am gaining strength and feel in time I will have less pain most shifts. I am so very glad to be back at work and feel I am starting to get my life back into some sort of real world, real life living once again.
It's warm here for this time of year and we've not seen much rain, the roof is glad of that as are the farmers as they get the last of the corn and soybeans out of the fields. I look forward to this time next year and know I should be living with a roof that no longer leaks and a working plan for the continuing renovations here.
The knitting is going slowly, I really need to finish up the current pair of Jake socks I have going and get the pair for Julie cast on. I am seeing very slow progress on the blue work gansey but it's not because I am not knitting on it, it's a very slow knit, easy pattern but fine yarn, small gauge needles so it doesn't grow fast, something like 10-11 rows to make an inch. I am going to like it and enjoy wearing it once I do finally get it done but it's going to take a long while. I might be wearing it by the new year but no bets on that.
Wonder how the car hauling has been going and hope it's going well, that loads are there and that the truck and trailer are holding up well.
I know that now, at this time in my life, I have a lot to deal with, this accident has made a mess of my life and also made a mess of 'me' in ways. I have to get a lot of that sorted out before I can deal with much when it comes to other people and relationships with them. And I do not have the energy to spend time, quality time with much of anyone now that I am working.
I do hope that as the months go by I find myself with less pain and more energy and wanting and able to enjoy my days off. It takes time, I am not able to bounce back easily, some is the age of my body, some is the damage to my foot and leg, some is the long recovery time.
But I am making it through each work shift, I am doing my work load each shift and that is what I need to be doing. And I am getting back on track with a budget and with knowing what needs paid which week once again. It will take some time before I have all the medical bills cleared up, the ones from the accident will or should clear up with the settlement but the ones from the appendix are not even here yet so I have no idea what of that I will owe.
Looking at the income tax stuff too, did increase my state withholding as know it was not taken out of the disability pay so want to make sure that is covered so I don't have to dig up money when I file income taxes. I should do ok with federal this year, have not paid a lot in but did not earn a lot and won't by the end of the year.
It will take me a while to get everything sorted out, but at least I have funds going every week into savings now, that feels good. It won't build up fast but at least it's building once again.
And I am cleaning out clothes I don't wear and will replace some with what I will wear, no more tight jeans for me, gained a couple pounds, might loose some of that but am not too worried as I am still under 130 and that is ok for my frame/age. Comfort is the rule now, and what suits me, what I like, out with some things and look to replace some things in time.

Saturday's work shift is Done

And it was busy, production going and maint chasing parts and new stock to receive and put away, A.M. called in again, he went home 'sick' Thursday so I worked his shift, T.T. worked his shift Friday instead of receiving, G.D. worked instead of D.D., whose MIL has passed away. G.D. is working his hours due to the emergency so she will be taking off days during the week, calling in or given the days in exchange for the ones she has worked this weekend.
I am glad I will be having the overtime on next week's check, did make my first house payment since this accident yesterday before going to Springfield, have final (we hope) appointment with my orthopedic dr. on 11/12, tried to find jeans or pants I liked enough to buy. Was a change to be trying to buy something besides work clothes.
I ended up ordering what I wanted. Part was overpriced and part was nothing that suited my taste. I am not paying huge sums for jeans that look partly worn out before I even get them on.
My foot is tolerating work better than I expected but I come home with it hurting and want to be down with my feet up once I am home.
The knitting is going slowly, I need to put time into Jake's socks and get them done, they just need 2-3 inches of black ribbing at the top and bound off. My sweater grows very slowly but it is growing, I think it takes about 10 rows to make an inch.
Fall is here, it won't be long before it's winter again. My year has gone by so strangely and with around $100,000 in medical bills, 3 surgeries, far more pain than I ever thought I would be learning to live through. I want this year to end, maybe next year will be better for me.

I have a New Favorite Movie

How to Train Your Dragon. I have waited for many months for it to come out on dvd, right now it's a huge splurge in a very tight budget...I am going to drive everyone batty watching it, it's funny, it's cute, I made a lot of knitting errors on the current sweater project that I then had to correct and I Don't Care, they can be fixed...and I have to work today, called in so is 1.5x my regular pay and when I get home, maybe I will take that disk to my bedroom and go to sleep watching dragons...
Ok, so I am very juvenile, but it's a cute movie and I needed the fun escape...now to get ready and head to work, go in 30 minutes late, not sure why but am sure I will learn more once in plant..off I go, overtime, overtime, ya, ya off I go.....

Another Monday

And today, before work I will pull on my bib overalls and go do some clean up work in the garden and also pick a bag of chilies to take to work and leave for a woman I know on sanitation, I have her locker # so can hang the bag there if I don't see her. She knows I have it planned so will know who they are from and knowing her, if the bag is large, she will share with others.
Work is going ok, I do come home tired and hurting but that is to be expected. 8.5 months off work at my age does make it very hard to go back and my job is very physical and busy most of the time.
It's great to be back and now I am expected to make coffee if the pot is empty in the boiler room when I go down there to get a cup of coffee, to me, that's a step up in being a dues paying member of that coffee club. It's nice to have that 'back home, finally' feeling I have at work, on Sundays with our Sunday work and crew.
I miss going to church, the people there, but I am going to try and make Sunday night Bible study instead. It was hard to get up haul me to Rushville, foot, right hip really hurt but I am so glad I went.
The blue sweater is making slow progress, I decided it was going to be too snug around and ripped out the 6 inches I had done and started over with more stitches so now have the 3" of ribbing done and the first 'set' of the body pattern done, that makes about an inch of actual sweater body, it will be slow going.
Fall is really here and I need to start doing some outside work on the garden and such. I had hoped to move/divide my hosta plants this past spring and it was a job I couldn't do alone and didn't have help when it really needed done. But I can probably do some of that this fall and then they will have some time to start growing new roots and getting settled in and do better in the spring.
Julie will help me if we can manage a day off the same time and Ben will work with me, pal Darrell will NOT be helping me, he's scheduled for surgery for torn roter cuff in his left shoulder, work related and done on a Friday, right now it's looking like the first Friday in November.
Several years ago he and pal Nancy helped me move the brick mess, and then dig and divide the pampas grass, now he gets to come and enjoy the change that made and take some credit for the work/improvement. Nancy has pampas grass at her place that came from sections of my plants.
Kid is still growing and does in a rawhide chew bone in about an hour now. I will have to buy him really big ones if I want them to last.
And I am thinking electric fence and a collar will help that dog know where those property lines are and which side of them he belongs on. He needs to stay here, other than chasing cats out, he can chase them across the street, they will still come back but I will let him chase them that far.
Well, need to eat and get some outside work done before going to the paycheck job. That sounds so much like the 'normal Maggie' life I had before this accident..

Mondays are such fun

It's my mid-week day with my work schedule and such fun. The rules have not changed in our dept. They do apply to everyone, not my problem if other clerks did not do it by the rules, I do and if you have a problem with the rules, please talk to my dept head or my supervisor, and as a supervisor yourself, I am sure you expect the employees in your department to obey the rules, my boss expects that of me, it is part of what I am being paid to do so please respect that.
Oh, ya, it's going to be a change for people to have me back in plant and in supply. I do it by the rules and I am quite willing to tell people that until my boss tells me otherwise, it is by the rules, sorry, it's part of my job.
Friend Otto will now feed Kid his meals while I am at work, I pack up puppy chow in sour cream containers and take them across to Otto, this way I touch base and chat with Otto and he has something to do. Kid can get by without the meal but it's good for all of us.
My body is adjusting some to work but it will be long and slow. I did work on accident paperwork today, have 2 letters to go in the mail tomorrow, also have to pay on my house insurance and pay Dish Network bill.
I added up the medical bills from the accident and they are under $60,000. And my health insurance statement for last year was in the paperwork, it came after the accident and ended up in that mess, last year my total medical costs were under $2,000. And most years it's been less than that, the first 3-4 years here I didn't see a doctor at all.
Oh, well, guess that car accident sure made up for many years of not seeing doctors.

Fulmar is done, next sweater is started

And Kid is having problems adjusting to my going back to work, especially as Ben isn't here right now so Kid is outside on his run for about 9 hours.

He's a clinging vine once I am home from work and bugs me to get more attention. He doesn't like me sitting in the kitchen with the laptop or in the living room at the desk, he wants me on the futon so he can be almost on my lap.

But the red Fulmar is done, washed and dry and it's what I have worn to work the past 2 shifts, mornings are cool enough for the sweater, but we are expecting rains to come in this coming week so I might need something more waterproof for my next 3 shifts.

Yesterday I took a nap after work, tonight I hurt but am not as beat tired. I need to wash dishes and will probably do them this evening.

Friend Allen Tippy has been finally sent to the job bid he won before my accident so Tina T. will do the receiving for now. Allen has to qualify on that job before the receiving clerk job is put up for bid. I can't do it, physically I am just not up to the challenge right now and don't want the nit-picking from everyone that job seems to bring.

It's good to be back to working, know I am tired but hope that in a couple weeks I have less pain and less feeling beat tired. I know it will be after the end of the year before things can be settled with State Farm, I will make payments on medical bills and I will keep a tight budget here and get by. At least with working I now have a few $ going into payroll savings once again.

It's getting cloudy now and the trees are moving so we must be having some wind. I really need to do some shopping at Save a lot and Dollar, Kid needs chew toys and I need some canned things from Save a lot.

Kid can go with me and be truck dog, he's needs to learn to sit and wait in the truck for me, it's good training. And he's not going to be good about being tied out on his run, having to be there while I am at work is hard enough for him to adjust to, and yes, he is spoilt and I do know it.

Woo, day off work and I earned it.

Foot and body found it to be a long and hard work week, ya, after 8 months, 17 days off, 1 car accident, 1 bout of preforated appendix, 3 surgeries, it was a very long time off and a very out of shape body.
But it was good to be back in plant, working again, lots of changes in supply, some new faces, some new blue (supervisor) bump caps on familiar faces. Now to get my password at HRdirect fixed so I can bid on jobs, check my up-coming paychecks early, change my tax with holding, change what I have pulled for savings...another battle with phone and people who aren't here in the USA and who don't always understand my language, whose accent makes it hard to understand theirs..
But I will get some work done on the red Aran, do have yarn for 3 sweaters, 1 out of a book, complex but at least I don't design as I go. 1 I am designing as I go, part is on graph paper, part is in my head and needs worked out on paper and with calculator, part will get figured out once I see the waist 'skirt' or ribbing I plan to do and the bottom textured pattern I have graphed out.
Love ganseys and this 1 will my my own design and my future work sweater in a blue that reminds me of well broken in jeans.
And I have some white Aran type wool that I want a front zip, with pockets, and a hood Aran type sweater, in my size please. And once knit, I plan to give it a bath in some periwinkle blue dye I bought years back with that very idea in mind, I just did not know what I wanted for a sweater out of the gifted yarn.
Friend Darrell has said he would try and come today and we could walk the park trail with my wild dog, it would be nice to have a human companion on the walk for a change, and Kid loves to run and romp and chase leaves and smells on that walk.
I limp terribly now, it is very noticable and no, it won't ever go way, I won't get much better than I am now, but I can get a lot worse. No, I have not gotten rich but I have racked up close to $75,000 in medical bills and 3 surgeries in less than 9 months. Yes, I do hurt, always, and some times a lot, but I am walking and I am finally back to work.
Now to deal with all the paperwork, like the appeal on my health insurance denying the emergency room in Rushville--because they put 'appendicitis' on it, not accute, no comment about it needing immediate surgery they could not preform. The phone call was easy, it should be covered, fill out an appeal, we have all the supporting documentation, that should fix it. Great, but over 1 hour to get signed up at the on line site and get the form downloaded. Son Ben and Foxfire browser finally got the form I need. I will fill it out and get it in today's mail and make sure I make a copy first for my file...
Now back to working on the red Aran..want it done so I can play guilt free with my other yarns

Booted Out, LOL

My Long absence from Cargill Supply has gotten my name booted out of the computer system we use in supply. It will take upper management to get me put back in so that means I did not mess up with my password change Saturday, we password in 2 times, and I was still in the first, plant computer system but not in the other one.
It will be fixed today, and I am also to get re-trained and re-certified on the fork truck, that is on some schedule too. And that suits me. I can't use fork truck until I am re-certified but still have the hand jacks to use and I can do a lot of what I need to with that and did in the past, no big change there.
Whole body hurts and gets tired fast but that is to be expected. I am making a tiny dent in the dis-order and dust and such each shift, not a big improvement but as it's continual, it will slowly make a difference, day by day.
The red sweater doesn't gain much each day, but I am knitting on it, and I will be wearing it before the end of this month and be working on the next sweater or should I say sweaters. I want the blue 1 for work to replace the 1 that was cut off me at the hospital so want to start it, and I am designing that 1 from scratch. The purple 1 is going to be my light casual "look nice" sweater so I want it started and I am adapting another Alice Starmore pattern to suit/fit me. Again out of Fishermen's Sweaters, this time I will be using Eriskay for my base and just doing some size adjusting to fit me better, need to do a swatch and see what I get for measurements first though so I can make sure it's not too snug around but not way too loose.
It's getting cool nights now but so far no frost. I have a lot of canna roots to dig, dry and store when it frosts hard, and need to work on the grass and weeds in the garden too, will do some of that Thursday if the weather allows.
I want to play with designing a heavy Aran and do have yarn to knit it but know it will be a harder or more coarse feeling sweater, the yarn is, so not sure what size I want to make it, as not sure I will want to wear it. I am thinking if I adapted a zipped front pattern I would wear it more than if I had it pull over, and again, if I did a hood that fit me comfortably, that too might get it worn some, as would pockets. I have a man's pattern in 1 of Mom's books that would work for a base to start with. But I have other knitting that needs done first and is more important so it's on the 'later' list for now
Need to get myself fed soon, heard the front door so imagine Kid bugged Ben enough to get let out for a bathroom break. Kid is very good at getting Ben to give him bathroom breaks but not always as good about getting Ben to remember it's dog supper time.

Lazy Monday mornings

The nice thing about working my split shift stuff is that I get lazy Monday mornings. And I slept pretty good for a change.
Kid had me up early so he could go out for call of nature but I crawled back into bed and asleep for another hour or so.
The sun is out and I plan to take Kid and the knitting to the park so he can run wild and I can knit and watch him, will be good exercize for him and good for me.
Sunday wasn't too bad, still working with Tina T. and we got some cleaning done, some things put away that needed put away and had a good work shift. Sundays were always my day to clean and deal with things that didn't get done during production shifts, less run to the window with production supplies and such and more time to do something in the warehouse or upper storeroom area.
I did finally get the first ball of yarn knit into the 2nd sleeve of the red sweater, will have 3 balls/skeins of yarn per sleeve so the first sleeve is 2/3 of the way done and the 2nd sleeve is just over 1/3 of the way done. All the yarn ends are worked in to this point so that 's another small 'job' I won't spend much time on once I finally get this sweater knit. I have yarn for a lighter wt sweater waiting and yarn at Sticks and Stones waiting to pick up, another lighter weight sweater so want this red Aran done, washed and drying so I can be guilt free when I start casting on the next sweater or both of them. The only problem is they are both lighter weight yarns and will knit on the same size needles and I am not sure I have enough circular needles in the right size to have them both cast on and going at the same time.
Well, Kid needs a walk, I need out of my jamies to do that so I better get moving...

And I am heading to bed...

The window got shut, the sweatshirt got zipped and I will deal with fixing it so it just zips part way down, I can live with that...and supper was eaten, house is quiet and I know I need to get to bed. I did take something for pain and hope to sleep better than I did last night.
I will say it really did feel good to be walking into the plant, to be heading into work once again, finally. I know the shifts are going to be long and hard and painful for me, maybe for the rest of my work life. But I hope the pain lessens and I get into better shape soon.
So many faces glad to see me back at work, it really does life my spirits. I've missed those faces, people I see at work, and people I enjoy seeing at work. I don't want everyone coming to visit, I don't need or want a very social life, I like the job for that. And then come home to Kid, Ben and the birds, and I don't mind if I come home to just Kid and the birds, know that day will come too.
I did get a few rows knit on the 2nd sweater sleeve but not much, it's going slower than the 1st sleeve, which still is not done and it seems to have not gained as much length for the same amount of yarn but that's probably just me. I do know I do have enough yarn to finish it.
I still need to get my yarn picked up in Jacksonville, it's in and I do have a start on designing the next gansey. The purple yarn I have will be ERISKAY or my tweaked version of Alice Starmore's Eriskay from her Fisherman's Sweaters book. It's a pattern I really like and that yarn will make a lovely lighter weight dressey sweater that I can enjoy wearing to places besides work.
I am determined to NOT dread going into fall and winter this year. I will pull the air conditioner from the kitchen window this year, I didn't even get it covered or insulated last year. And I am thinking about pulling the 1 out of my bedroom window also.
I will be selling back 1 week of my vacation time, with the year so far gone I don't have need of 2 weeks of vacation between now and March 30, 2011. And I am already thinking about income taxes and needing to increase my pay in for the state taxes so I don't have to pay in when I file.
I have a long way to go before my life even starts to feel like it's going back together but at least I feel that I am starting to find the pieces and that is an improvement.
Time to walk Kid and get to bed, know the alarm will have my up and running fast in the mornings, my work Sunday are always started at a run and no time. But it worked well for me before the accident and it will work for me again.

Zipper eating Kid..

The black sweatshirt only cost $5 at the gun show Jake and I went to last spring, his last leave. The replacement zipper cost almost $6, Kid, the dog damaged the original one. Now, home from work, sweatshirt was damp from today's rain, hung it over the back of the kitchen chair and Kid got this zipper, while Ben and I were both sitting here in the kitchen...I will turn it into a pull over sweatshirt.. and Give up on keeping it safe from that dog.
Work was ok, Saturdays and Sundays are the easy days of my work week. Have the foot up and will take something for pain before going to bed tonight, am in plant by 6 am tomorrow.
It's cooling here and I need to get the attic window shut before it's dark, will be down in the 30's tonight.
Really felt great to be back at work, to see people I know and miss, and to be working once again. Know I have a long way to go with getting my life back in order but at least now I feel like I am finally starting to find those pieces of my life to rebuild with.
Now to get the window shut and ladder put away and go sit and enjoy my sweater knitting for a while...and hope Kid doesn't decide Mom's knitting is a good chew toy...silly pup, he has plenty of chew things, he just likes that sweatshirt because it's Mine.

Heading back to Work

Tomorrow, Saturday I will be back in plant and at work. After 8.5 months off with this accident I will have a ton of policy changes to catch up on, need my password in the our computer system re-set so I can do my paperwork/computerwork. It will be hard and challenging to go back after this long off but I am looking forward to finally starting to see my life getting back into some sort of order and pattern.
Speaking of patterns, I am working on designing 1 for the new blue gansey, have a start and the yarn is finally in, I should pick it up today. I also have to decide what pattern to use with the purple yarn I got earlier this week, have a pattern in Fisherman Knits I think I will tweak to suit me, it's a lovely light wt knit that would look good in the yarn I have.
My red aran is gaining sleeves, 1 is close to done and the 2nd is finally started. I will have enough yarn to finish it with no problems, a worry when I started it, more than 2 years ago.
Got a long list of things needing done, including a lot of clean laundry to fold and put away, other 'before work' stuff I need done, including some phone calls..not sure if I have a run to Springfield to make today or not..know I need to get to Jacksonville and get my yarn...

The Black days I don't write about

This is when I admit to black days I don't write about, to days I want to curl up in bed and cry all day. To the times I want to throw things and watch them break and shatter. I don't want to see those things in me but it's there, the anger and rage I don't know what to do with and know being distructive will not turn back the clock, will not change this accident and it sure won't help me deal with all the paperwork, push myself to walk when I hurt, get the dishes done.

I battle nightmares that make me dread going to bed, have me digging wildly through the quilts for the stuffed bears that share my bed, the 1 my mom made me when I was 16, the 1 sons Ben and Jake bought mom a few years back.

I won't have any rum or Jack Daniels in the house--because it would be too easy to have 'just a bit' to help me sleep' and get to were I was drinking more, and to where it was Every night, maybe during the day when I had a lot of stress.

I knit like I am possessed at times, trying to deal with the stress, trying as I work complex patterns in red wool, to work on untangling the thoughts and fears and worries rattling about in my brains. I knit socks for Jake so that I am not chewing my nails down to the nail beds and so that I am able to control just something in my life and so that I can make something work right.

I see so many people battling so much more, having to face a far harder life than mine and think I am a whiney whimpy crybaby brat. God has blessed me over and over, I know that, I live with that every day, even this big footed, acts like 'mom velcro' dog is a part of those blessings. I have my health, I had no serious head injuries or spinal injuries and that man at fault was insured with State Farm and they are being great to deal with.

So, I can't dance, I can still enjoy the music, so I can't ride my bike for hours, I can walk my wild dog to the park and watch him run, knowing he won't run too far. So, the feet don't match, gee, neither do my breasts and I'm sure not crying about that one. My friends are few and rock solid, my 2 youngest sons are amazing guys and light up my life, they also think they have a special and talented mom..and accept she is just a bit different.

The roof leaks, but it's my house and all over the world there are women who don't have a roof or who don't have the right to make their own decisions, live their own lives.

I might not have sheep and spin my own wool into yarn any more. But I've been able to do that, and I can design and knit what suits me, I can change and adjust a pattern to make a sweater that fits me better and is 1 of a kind.

Even when I am walking on the edge of that huge black pit, my friends are standing solid to pull me back onto safe ground. They call, they come over, they take me places. And they accept my bad days but won't let me wallow in that pit of self pity. They celebrate the little things that make a high spot in my days. And most of all, they believe I will pull through this and be 'ok' in time. Their belief in me gives me strength and courage when it's needed most.

I put this in a file and didn't post it right away, it and I needed some time to think and reflect and decide if I would post it. Today is a better day than when I started this post. The sun is out, Julie spent the day, the cinnamon bread turned out good--despite the forgotten cinnamon, despite the filling running like syrup. Julie took part home with her, and chilies from my garden for her husband.

The red Aran is growing, the neck is done, the shoulder straps knit up nicely, the first sleeve is over 8 inches long. All the remaining yarn is hand wound into balls and there will be enough to finish it. Ben tried it on and I took some photos, he's now making comments about it being his sweater but he's not serious-- I am hiding it from him once it's done.

Kid is growing, he's doing well, I am very glad that stray, unwanted pup, lost pup came into my life several months ago and really glad no owner called to claim him. He's not always good, he's getting taller and bigger and I do spoil him some but he loves me and makes sure I know I am important, very important to him.

Doctor appointment, appointment at State Farm, dental appointment here in town tomorrow, it will be a run hard day and start early. I hope to get that release to return to work, know it's time, and know it will be a rough few weeks to start out, and no knowing if my foot and ankle will tolerate the work load. So, I will do the best I can to do my job and to take care of my foot and ankle and see what happens.

I know I can make my life work and cope if I cannot do the job at Cargill, I know financially there will be State Farm to compensate me, and my whole existance, my whole idenity is NOT my employment and job..but my fears about that, are part of what is causing the nightmares about being lost.

1 day at a time, that is all God gives me to really deal with, to live, so that is how I will get through the next couple weeks, 1 day at a time, hard and painful days as I adjust to being back at work after so long off. But I will take care of me, of foot and of my job duties. And if my foot and ankle cannot tolerate the job, I won't be an idiot and try to force my body to do what it just can no longer do. I want to keep my job, want my life back to as close to what it was before this accident but I know some things I cannot change and I will find a way to adjust and accept and build my world again, just different.

Made it to the middle of the week

And the red Aran is getting neck shaping but I am doing it very slow. But it's making progress. The laundry is caugh up, the mowing still needs done. the dishes never stay done but that is normal.
I've been looking at house up for sale in this area on line but know it will be a while befoe I am buying or renovating here. Not much I can do except bounce some ideas around, look at places, look at furnature, bathroom stuff, kitchen stuff and think about what I want and what I really need long term.
It's time to get to bed, I'm tired and I'm discouraged. Accident recovery really stinks, especially when you know the man at fault didn't care about what he did that night, or who got hurt. It's a really good thing he's a dead man instead of alive where I could let him know how I feel about his decision to throw away his life and really mess up mine.
Think Kid and I need to go to bed, Julie is supposed to be over tomorrow, the new fabric is washed and in the dryer and it's time to get into bed and hope tomorrow I feel more cheerful about life...

Arans

I remember watching my mother knit Aran sweaters, natural, cream colored wool, complex patterns, always for pay, except 1 jumper she knit for my sister Roberta. From her face you could tell she enjoyed the knitting, talking with her, she talked about the patterns, and she taught me to cable, to read the patterns and translate that code into knitting.
She never knit herself an Aran, although she loved them. I never understood that, she knit herself other sweaters, she sewed herself clothes she liked but she didn't knit Arans for her children or grand children and she didn't knit them for herself, other than that 1 Jumper when Roberta was 5 or6.
Now I am knitting a red Aran from a pattern designed by Alice Starmore, I've done some changing to it so that it should fit my smaller frame. I'm knitting it from a red blend that is soft and won't have the same stitch defination that Arans are normally knit in but it will be a sweater I can wear over bare skin or with a turtle neck under it for a bit more warmth.
I designed and knit an Aran from hand spun wool for Ben when he was small, and I've knit several others over the years. Now I am knitting me sweaters and tweaking other designers patterns to make them fit me better or to please my own eye.
And while I knit I work on sorting out the tangled mess my life seems to have become because of this accident.
This red sweater won't be done before I am back at Cargill and working but I hope it will be done before I have my settlement from this accident. And that I am still working at Cargill, that my foot and ankle will tolerate the job duties.
Complex patterns, twists and braids and traveling stitches, textures and repeats, some of this makes up my life, the simple, dull routine I had, the well laid out road map for my life that I thought was solid and going to be my future has now become a complex and complicated mess of paperwork, doctor appointments, visits to an insurance office, waiting to heal, trying to get though long and pain filled days.
The detailed accident report is another part of that complex paperwork and mess that my life now contains. But it also gave me some answers to why the accident happened. A man who was cheating on his wife, a 'discussion' about that affair with his wife before leaving for work, a 911 call about suicide concerns by that wife when her husband didn't call her to let her know he was at work. It's in that detailed report, and also that report clearly shows he made no attempt to slow down or avoid the accident, not even apply his brakes.
He didn't care what happened, call it killing himself and not caring who he might have taken with him, call it not caring 1 way or another, but it adds up to the same. His cheating, her finding out, their 'talk' all put me in the hospital and my life changed, and my foot and ankle permanently damaged.
Gee, Mrs. Young doesn't end up with a messy divorce or have to wonder who her husband is sleeping with and I give up running and walking smootly, high heel shoes and roller skates. I don't wish her any ill but wish she had decided to talk about that affair with her husband some other day.
Now I will work on finishing my Aran sweater, getting back to work and finding out if my foot will tolerate the work load and then move on to the insurance settlement. And with the detailed crash report I can be sure I will get a large settlement that can be invested to help pay for future surgeries and help support me and compensate me for all that I have lost and all the pain I have to endure.